Going crazy...can't seem to internalize my self-confidence...lack of trust in myself

[squirrels]

Recently, for the first time in a long time, I thought I had it. I felt like I had become confident in myself and I was finally breaking out of a long pattern of not trusting myself and relying on others to validate my feelings and my actions.

But last night it all fell apart...

I feel like there are these two sides at war...on one hand is the AFC part of me. It keeps screaming to me that I can't make it alone. That I'm a fool to believe I can define myself as I please, that I NEED my family, my friends, and especially this one girl I've been going crazy over, to validate me. That if I lose them, I lose myself and have failed.

On the other hand is the DJ side trying to break out...it's telling me that I DON'T need other people to validate me and that I CAN'T define myself in terms of what other people think/feel about me. That the me I had always defined and validated in terms of other people isn't the REAL me, the me I want to be. That I DO have it in me to own myself and to find respect and validation and confidence from within, and that people will never REALLY accept me unless I can accept myself.

And the two sides appear to be at a stalemate.

Part of me wants to run to her, to throw myself at her feet and beg for acceptance, and the other part says, "For what? What can she give you? It's obviously not love/sex, because this isn't going to get it for you. Why do you insist on her accepting you? Why should she take on the burden of validating your existence? This is YOUR responsibility. Only YOU can define who you are and accept or reject that definition." Then I want to run out and test myself against new women, but I can't tell whether it's the DJ in me going after what it wants, or if it's the AFC in me looking to validate me by showing that others still like me even if I can't get this girl.

I don't know if my problem is confidence...I think it's TRUST. I think the confidence, the self-definition I want to create is there. I just don't trust it yet. Thanks to this site, I no longer trust the AFC part of me, but I can't bring myself to trust the DJ part of me, because I don't trust MYSELF to make the right decision between the two.

And the dissonance is becoming so strong that I can't think of anything else.

Has ANYONE else been here before? You probably can't help me get away from where I am now...that's something I have to do for myself and it can only come when I finally decide to trust myself. It's just that some people treat the transition from AFC to DJ like a slow and casual change, whereas it's coming as a big emotional cataclysm for me.

I guess what I'm really looking for is to know that I'm not alone and that I'm not crazy.

 

[InLawsHateMe]

I think we all go through this at different points in our lives. Confidence in yourself is a big key, as well as, common sense. If you question your motives and moves, try to picture yourself outside looking in. How would you feel about yourself running to her, on hands and feet? Not pretty is it? Cuz ultimately, you will have to look at yourself in the mirror in the mornings and determine how much respect you have for yourself. F*ck everybody else and what they think, do you respect yourself? Sometimes ya got to say 'F*ck it!' and just go with what is obvioulsy, not the easiest road to travel. In the end, you will be stronger and feel more confident in yourself knowing that, you have b*lls to do what others fear to do. You know what I'm saying?

 

[squirrels]

I know what you're saying. I can see clearly that baring my feelings or throwing myself at her wouldn't be an act of love, lust, or even attraction, but one of sickness. This must be how heroin addicts feel.

I mean, if I keep hanging out with the people I hang out with, I'm going to see her again. If she could just vanish out of my life forever, that'd be great, but being around her now is just awkward, because she knows me for the AFC me. I worry what her friends think of me now, too. I guess I SHOULD be thinking, "If they're real friends, they'll understand who I am. If not, f*** 'em."

The thing that hurts the most is that from the get-go, I told myself, "I'm not going to get hung up on her...I'm not going to end up like those other guys who always hang around her." Guess what happened? And I think she actually liked me before I started falling for her...then I blew it. She saw "Neo" and was intrigued, but I introduced her to "Mr. Anderson."

I'm sorry to keep spilling this crap on the forums...I just need to talk to someone and most people out there wouldn't understand the kind of change I'm trying to make here.

 

[InLawsHateMe]

Change it now.. today dude... you know? Drop the needy, clingy sh*t, it's embarrassing. Your life doesn not revolve around her or anyone. this is your show, your movie, everyone else are just a supporting cast. Now, are you going to give up your lead, for someone else? HELL NO! ....I'm going to tell you what my Dad told me ok..... 'Grow some f*ckin balls, stand up and walk like a man for Christ sake, you're a (insert last name here)!! ...don't you know we know how to F*CK?!'

 

[Lost]

Originally posted by InLawsHateMe
I'm going to tell you what my Dad told me ok..... 'Grow some f*ckin balls, stand up and walk like a man for Christ sake, you're a (insert last name here)!! ...don't you know we know how to F*CK?!'

I wish i had a dad like that , lol

 

[Jimi Page]

squirells nuts, just post your stuff, and quit trying to mask the obvious, the fact you replied to all your own posts, and then trying to hide it by having the culprit, which we all know is you, reply to this one.

thx\\\--Jimi Pages

 

[rbd]

Originally posted by squirrels
I mean, if I keep hanging out with the people I hang out with, I'm going to see her again. If she could just vanish out of my life forever, that'd be great, but being around her now is just awkward, because she knows me for the AFC me. I worry what her friends think of me now, too. I guess I SHOULD be thinking, "If they're real friends, they'll understand who I am. If not, f*** 'em."

I hear you with this aspect. I'm not sure if you dated her or not.

Last weekend I ended up sleeping with my ex. We didn't do anything. But that kind of stuff (hanging around an "old woman") like that will only bring you back down. Having my buddies over there calling her my girlfriend and saying we look great together doesn't help. There's a certain cycle I've noticed with ex girlfriends/ex crushes in many situations:

1. Get all excited, she seems to be liking you (again)
2. Make your moves, you find out it's "not like that"
3. You get angry, lonely, sad and start being aloof, removed from her, or a jerk
4. Whatever you're doing gets her to either be SOMEWHAT attracted to you again (or start toying with you again), and you're back to #1.

This cycle will destroy you. The two ways I see out of this is to either get as far away from her as possible and never see her much again, and get a new girl.

At some level I am going through what you're going through. What we both need to do is get more women in our lives. During the school year, I had plenty more girls to work on, and my ex (even though I still came into frequent contact with her) was in the background.

Think about it: when you feel these feelings about that girl, what are you REALLY feeling. With my ex, even now I'm still feeling shyt for her, but I realized it could be reduced to generialized LONLINESS. I just want a companion, and if a girl that's a better match for me than her came along, I'd take that up in a second and not look back. I just haven't found this better girl yet. Thus, it's nothing SPECIAL about her, she's just the girl that's around and that I get along with the best. This helped me objectify it and remove some of the emotion out of the situation, about why in the world I was still feeling like this about her. Maybe that's your situation.

You'll find a lot of girls that don't like you for the right reasons before you find the one you just plain old mesh with. You just have to have the trust in yourself and your abilities to move on.

Corrupadelic in another thread said to "risk on the future, not on the past". That's the damn truth. Here's to moving on...

Robby