Go from somewhat AFC to Alpha with same girl?

[pbsurf]

OK, specifics can be found on my other posts, in general, dated 10 months, all the right moves early, slid into AFC along the way. We have been lukewarm over the last month, still getting together once a week, she's been reaching out consistently (55% IL?) I've cut back my enthusiasm 90%

Internally i've sort of weaned myself off of her. As i realize my AFC ways are all my fault, but her neediness and actually really liking/missing me has created a strange dating cycle where she is "with" me but probably kicking tires (or more) and i'm resigning myself to moving on.

The sex was/is fantastic. i probably need to study up on the golden vagina. my inner frame is pretty f-d up, but there is that voice in my head that is saying, "stop caring", f her once a week, work on your alpha game in the relationship by slowly being distant and aloof

quick story on this - last week was at her place, went for a run, came back and showered with her. The whole time I was quiet and distant. She asked me what was wrong, i said nothing. (and i'm a talker). She said, ok, "its kind of sexy".

I know you guys all say spin plates, just not in my dna right now. i like her a lot, but much less than i did a couple of months back.

Going to a concert tonight, she wants to hang out this weekend, and go to a wedding in 2 wknds. So. She still thinks were good. (but again, she's got an AW streak and lots of free time...)

Advice? My goals are to maintain sanity, learn and regain some of my dignity/manhood.

 

[jurry]

Whats AW?

Sounds like you're doing really well though.. Stay strong!

 

[pbsurf]

aw - Attention w****

i'm learning, or relearning, that all attractive women are AW's to a degree. this one is older though, 44 looks 34, and very concerned about her looks and ability to attract guys. Its a bit annoying.

but thanks

 

[pbsurf]

Well, responding to my own question, i realize that it is probably impossible to be "alpha" in the eyes of a girl that sees you as nice at your core. But... it is never too late to display strength, push back, tease and detach, which i do find myself doing

it is healthy, much better than if i just bailed a few weeks back or worse, if i pursued to get a reaction. (I would add that i've always been alpha/dominant in the bedroom with her)


i still think this is a good subject for a thread, no need give advice to me necessarily, but curious if there are situations where someone flipped the script effectively (w/out going full on nc btw, more about detaching but still keeping her as a piece) after being AFC beta

 

[Peacefulconvo]

nice job on the progress man

 

[pbsurf]

Well, update. I think the answer to my question is no, at least in my current situation.

The dynamic is too set in stone. My beta instincts kick in when i'm around her, she responds with her feminine charms and i'm done.

We had a great night together, but i know she is lying to me. She also told me that she likes to chase, that she doesn't like to be pressured etc. And i've been pretty laid back (little or no chasing). Not outwardly clingy. etc.

But anyway, its too late. i have to pull the plug. I almost did last night. So hard. Esp when she still is talking long term and telling me how great she feels when she is with me. And the s*x is still very good.

i'm far too attached. I have many other issues i need to deal with and just can't seem to break out of this addiction to her...

So much of what i'm reading on this site is helpful, depressing but helpful. And so goddamn accurate. Sad really.

 

[Uncharted]

I don't see the problem here. She's still interested in you, right? Do you want to break it off with her just to gain some upper hand or do you actually not want to be with her?

 

[pbsurf]

she's "confused" but my guess is that she wants me to break it off so she can move on

She is texting and possibly starting to hook up with another guy, and lying to me about it. I snooped on her phone. not good but i have trust issues i guess. at least i know that there is a reason she's been distant.

This is tearing me up inside. I"m not emotionally capable of handling this right now, drinking too much and neglecting my life

i am a wreck

 

[jurry]

Ah well you didnt mention any of that above. Not going to turn alpha with this chick in your current state and she knows it. Spin or die my friend.. If you arent willing to spin then you need to do some SERIOUS life/attitude improvement to adjust your emotions so you can handle this kind of thing. I dont see that being possible while you are being strung along by this girl.

 

[pbsurf]

Good advice Jurry. Just need to move on

Struggling with next step. Go ghost? Talk to her? I know she will keep reaching out. I guess some closure would be nice. Salvaging some self respect too.

And I so have to deal with other issues. Just so focused on her. Every time I tried to fade away she reached out and I responded... Weak.

 

[jurry]

I dont see that you need to "do" anything or get closure, you'll just look like a pvssy. If she is always the one to initiate contact then just keep banging her. The larger issue is you stopping drinking and neglecting the other things in life. If you are unable to do this and also see her, i guess you gota drop her. But i would just try and accept that its out of your control and you can only control yourself. Perhaps in moving on and trying new things you'll find someone completely new and lose interest in her.

 

[pbsurf]

No contact starts today. Can't handle casual banging w her Too connected

Also getting off this site. Scrambling my password. It's been great but I obsess too much. Thanks for your advice guys ESP Jurry.

Wish me luck

 

[chath]

sounds like me two years ago. i have never emotionally invested myself in a woman since, and i don't plan on doing it anytime soon. sorry that you're so torn up. I was too.