give it time?

[32swf]

I've been dating a great guy for almost 6 months now. The conversation is good, sex is good, common interests are there, intellectual equals. overall, very good beginning.
last night I asked if he thought we should take a break (My mother is very ill and I've been out of town a lot).

me: I thought maybe we should take a break, since I've been so distracted lately.
him: ok
me: well you don't have to agree so quickly (laugh)
him: oh ok (laughs)
me: I was just throwing it out there. what do you think?
him: if it's something you need to do in order to get through this, then I understand. but I'd like to be there for you.

me: I'd rather have you around than not have you around.
him: I'd rather you keep me around too.

him: I'm in the "like" stage right now, not in the "love" stage, but I'm weird like that, and it took me a year and a half to get there with my last girl friend. but I'm enjoying what we have. I think we should give it a reasonable amount of time and see what happens. I feel very comfortable with you which I haven't had before. most of my girlfriends have been drama and high maintenance and couldn't entertain themselves. that's one thing I like about you. you don't need constant entertaining.
I'm not scared of settling down, but I'm terrified of having kids. I don't think I'd be ready for that for a couple years. there's too much I'd like to do first, like travel.


so, I don't know how to take this. I wasn't thinking he'd say he was madly in love with me, because I'm not either, but I definitely see potential (which I've told him) and I do have strong feelings for him. Am I wasting my time??

 

[2xp]

i hate when women do this kind of tests to see if their bf are into them or not

 

[Jay Fiedler]

Damn how I hate women that do this!! Such drama when there is no drama to be had. But some women cant help themselves and have to create it..just to get off on it. Makes me sick.

This thread is a great illustration of what women do to relationships, and also the fact that people want what they cant have, but as soon as they get it, they want what they had before.

You just got done writing how everything is really good in the relationship, from sex to having a converstaion, and since this being what most people in a relationship want, you then go and say you want to take a break???? Makes no sense to me other than you were either testing him to see how much he really was into you, or it was a way for you to try and put some pressure on him to take the relationship further.

Either way..you lost.

To me this guy sounds like a straight up cool boyfriend. And if you insist in playing these childish womanly games, you may just lose him. Is that what you want? Because you're doing a good job of it by playing this crap.

 

[32swf]

yes I was testing him. I want to know if he'll be there for me in the next month or so, since my mother is dying. I didn't want him to stay with me just because he thought he had to in this situation. I'm not trying to create drama, I'm trying to get some clarity. I was trying to give him an "out" if he wanted one.

How did I lose?

 

[2xp]

always judge somebody with his/her actions rather than words game. u might try to remember if he actually cared when your mother suffered. if u cannot answer to that question, that means u two were not together long enough in the past months and in that case you are trying to talk about things that do not exist, and then u should consider spendin more time with this poor guy

geez. women...

 

[Jay Fiedler]

You lost because:

1. You didnt get the specific answer you were looking for..and
2. You didnt approach it in the manner of "hey, ya know, I'm gonna be super busy these next few weeks or months, and I just dont know how much time I can give to our relationship. But i want YOU TO KNOW that as soon as things clear up, I'm going to spend extra time making it up to you. I like hanging out with you and want to get to know you better. And I would really appreaciate it if you could give me this time. But, I understand if you cant or wont. Its asking alot. Just know that I think alot of this relationship and hope you feel the same."

Instead..you said..."Lets take a break".

I mean, if a girl confronted me with the same 4 words, I'd say ok too. It just makes it sound like you are the one wanting to get out of things, and nothing to do with feeling out how the realtionship will go. Or, it sounds like a childish game. Either way..it sucks.

I would have had the same reaction as he did to what you said. I mean whats he supposed to do..beg for you to stay together after you just confronted him ? What you did was very unfair if your true intentions are to stay in the realtionship. If they're not, then break up and move on.

 

[32swf]

I agree, what I did wasn't fair to him, but I didn't know how to approach the topic. I wanted to feel him out, and see where he thought things were headed. I don't want out of the relationship, I want him to be INTO me and he doesn't seem to be as much as I'd like. How am I supposed to find out how he feels about me?? I told him I didn't want to waste my time with guys anymore.
I guess I was trying to see what he thought, and went about it wrong.
any advice about what I should do now?

 

[Jay Fiedler]

Your best bet here is to just be honest. After all, this isnt something going on after 2-3 dates, you two have been seeing each other for 6 months now correct?

No need to beat around the bush or play little games. 6 months is more than enough time to see if you are interested in someone and vice versa.

Just call him up or meet and say, "I apologize for saying what I did the other night, in fact I have reached the stage in the relationship where I would like to take things further and become an exclusive couple, with all that comes with being an exclusive couple. I just didnt know how to handle saying those things to you, so I thought that by pressuring to break up it might make you feel pressured to make things more serious. (Say this with a smile) I'm a jerk, an idiot. Can you ever forgive me" And bat those eyelashes like only women can.

THen, after he responds, you'll know where he stand and you can go from there.

One thing you need to look back at is have you been playing these little games with him lately? And if so that may be one of the reasons why he is hesitant on getting with you on a more permanent basis. No one likes a whiner or a drama queen, unless a person is desperate, and it sounds like this guy isnt.

 

[NewMan]

Don't mention the other night - it water under the bridge.

****
him: I'm in the "like" stage right now, not in the "love" stage, but I'm weird like that, and it took me a year and a half to get there with my last girl friend. but I'm enjoying what we have. I think we should give it a reasonable amount of time and see what happens. I feel very comfortable with you which I haven't had before. most of my girlfriends have been drama and high maintenance and couldn't entertain themselves. that's one thing I like about you. you don't need constant entertaining.
I'm not scared of settling down, but I'm terrified of having kids. I don't think I'd be ready for that for a couple years. there's too much I'd like to do first, like travel.
*******

i.e. I'm happy with this situation right now - a regular lay with little or no real commitment required from me. But, don't expect to much from me in the near future (because I know that's why you initiated the conversation in the first place - to see what my reaction is - and now here is my chance to let you know I want to keep fvcking you, but am not willing to commit). I'm also scared of having kids (or so I'm going to tell you - because then you'd better not get pregenant while I'm fvcking you - because if you do, I'll tell you that I told you previously I'm not ready for kids - and I'm not (with you) - so you'd better be willing to deal with that down the road should it happen). I'm going to temper all of this with telling you that your different from other girls - because your cool (and you are) and I don't have to spend every night with you (like my other girls) - and I like that.



just my 2 cents.

 

[JohnJones]

If I got that speech and I still liked you even though I was pretty sure you were testing me, I would take it as a game and play it: I'd tell you I thought you were cool and I'm gaving a good time, but even if I was on the edge of my seat eager to get hitched to you I wouldn't respond the way I knew you wanted me to.

It's stupid, but I didn't start it

 

[CLOONEY]

Originally posted by 2xp
i hate when women do this kind of tests to see if their bf are into them or not

EXACTLY.

I am giving you no advice because for a 32 year old woman, you are a FUKCING idiot! Grow up!

 

[MacDiddy]

An AFC would have answered

"But Why??? what did I do wrong. I'll be better I promise!!!"

And be wondering why he lost the girl at no fault of his own...

I'm so glad I found this site!!!

 

[DJ_Dork]

Most girls did what 32SWF did, they threw out this test, this game.. to see the reaction. DON'T YOU 32SWF claim ITS NOT A GAME/TEST. Guess what girls, when you think you are masters at playing games.. the DJ will always be better and will infact overwhelm you. Go ahead, play one game and the DJ will have 2-3 waiting to take you on.

To the guy, whether DJ/AFC It means "Hey boy toy, I'm going to put you in the friends zone , alright!"

The AFC will grovel, beg. He fails your immature test. It's up to the girl whether to keep him or not. B1tch.

The DJ will have his options open once again. He passes your test. But he will remember what you did and will keep having his options open.

You did this onto yourself, only solution is for you the girl.. which is SO HARD for all girls who come from America is to act AFC/show huge love for your man. You most likely won't do this because you're an American girl.

Why the reference to American girls and not foreign girls. Foreign girls generally have more respect for men.

 

[32swf]

two way street

maybe if men would let us know how they feel about us and/or the situation, women wouldn't have to play games or try tests.

I haven't usually "tested" in the past, but I'm shy and quiet and testing is passive aggressive and less confrontational. All we're looking for is some positive feedback. If we come out and ask, "where do you think this relationship is headed?" we hear "I don't know. " "I don't think like that" and other vague answers. of course being honest and direst is best,but it doesn't always work. Especially as we get older, we don't want to waste our time. I've had guys that wasted my time and knew it. basically I'm trying to figure out if he's committed to me and possibly sees a future.

 

[MacDiddy]

OK you through out the test. He's stunned. Never saw it coming. He's on the defensive and taking immediate action. Stop Loss. He's basically telling you how devoted he is and how much he loves you, that you both have a future and how he'll protect you till the day he dies. He's grovelling at this point.

You hear what you wanted to hear. His love for you is without question. You know he adores you and you take comfort in that. You know you can relax now and let him do your bidding. After which you start to lose respect for him and wonder why he can't be more of a man.

Is this what you want?

 

[squirrels]

Re: two way street

Originally posted by 32swf
maybe if men would let us know how they feel about us and/or the situation, women wouldn't have to play games or try tests.

I haven't usually "tested" in the past, but I'm shy and quiet and testing is passive aggressive and less confrontational. All we're looking for is some positive feedback. If we come out and ask, "where do you think this relationship is headed?" we hear "I don't know. " "I don't think like that" and other vague answers. of course being honest and direst is best,but it doesn't always work. Especially as we get older, we don't want to waste our time. I've had guys that wasted my time and knew it. basically I'm trying to figure out if he's committed to me and possibly sees a future.

You know why we answer that way? Because 1) we DON'T know where the "relationship" is headed, 2) we DON'T think like that, and 3) we thought that, by virtue of the fact that you asked a question, you wanted an honest and outright answer.

We don't see the future because the future doesn't exist yet. We understand that despite where it LOOKS like the "relationship may be going," any number of things could happen that could radically change the course of the relationship JUST BY CHANCE.

Life is a big waste of time. And you know what? Putting time into ANYTHING is necessary to make it work. Relationships don't all work out the first time...its' a trial-and-error process. The only thing you can do is if you see something you like, give it a shot, and if it doesn't work out for you, then break it down and try again.

It's part of what it is to be human. If more people could deal with that fact there'd be less depression in people's romantic lives. Stop using up all your life choices early-on and then spending the rest of your life trying to make the rest of the world fit your ideal vision. Ride it out and see where it takes you.

 

[noseguard20]

Woman, you are behind enemy lines!!

 

[NaturallySelected]

Originally posted by 32swf
I agree, what I did wasn't fair to him, but I didn't know how to approach the topic. I wanted to feel him out, and see where he thought things were headed. I don't want out of the relationship, I want him to be INTO me and he doesn't seem to be as much as I'd like. How am I supposed to find out how he feels about me?? I told him I didn't want to waste my time with guys anymore.
I guess I was trying to see what he thought, and went about it wrong.
any advice about what I should do now?

Thank you for posting this post, I finally have begun to understand how women think. Your post helped me figure out "mixed signals" forever. I now have a new way to interpret things woen say. Seriously.

Honestly, what you said to him about "Taking a break" was HARSH. IF I heard that I would have felt hurt and felt like you wanted to break up with me. Why do women always speak in code? A guy would come straight out and say what he feels."I don't want to waste my time with guys anymore" !? What's that's supposed to mean, he's a guy isn't he? That's another thing he would interpret as "She wants to break up with me".

I haven't usually "tested" in the past, but I'm shy and quiet and testing is passive aggressive and less confrontational. All we're looking for is some positive feedback. If we come out and ask, "where do you think this relationship is headed?" we hear "I don't know. " "I don't think like that" and other vague answers. of course being honest and direst is best,but it doesn't always work

I almost missed this, interesting to see WHY women speak in code. As men, we don't always want to admit our true feelings so you TEST us by making ambigiuos statements like "I want to take a break". I actually UNDERSTAND now! I find this very interesting (JUST how DIFFERENTLY men and women think). I am not attacking you, I am sure MEN do a lot of things that confuse women. I'm just so glad to see this post.

If you ask "where is this relationship headed", that's kind of hard for a guy to answer. Hence the "I don't know" response. Rather ask directly. Say EXACTLY what you mean, don't beat around the bush. If you want to know if he thinks he can handle what you will go through with your mother dying, ask him. He'll appreciate you not playing with his emotions (and your tests do this).

I'm in the "like" stage right now, not in the "love" stage, but I'm weird like that, and it took me a year and a half to get there with my last girl friend. but I'm enjoying what we have. I think we should give it a reasonable amount of time and see what happens. I feel very comfortable with you which I haven't had before. most of my girlfriends have been drama and high maintenance and couldn't entertain themselves. that's one thing I like about you. you don't need constant entertaining.
I'm not scared of settling down, but I'm terrified of having kids. I don't think I'd be ready for that for a couple years. there's too much I'd like to do first, like travel.

From what he said, I'd say everything is fine. He's a guy, and guys like to live in the moment, we don't always think about the future or know where things are going. Sounds to me like he's happy to be with you and he's going to be there for a while. So don't worry, seems to me like he's on the road to commitment but you must realise that things can change at anytime (and that's what men think). Try not to TEST him next time and just ask him straight out what you want to know.

Tell him what you're thinking and then ask him what you want to know. THAT'S how to speak to a man.

Regards
NaturallySelected

 

[Beethoven]

I think swf's post brings up some great points for us to learn from. First off, no matter how much we shout at women, "Say what you mean!", the simple fact is that women (just like the guys) will not change how they naturally behave. We can't change their natures, what we have to do is change our behaviour to respond well.

So we should simply learn the kinds of tests that women put guys through, and be aware of how we should respond to each. Complaining to the women will simply annoy them and not benefit us, so why bother?

Swf, I wouldn't say this for all guys, but some (many?) guys don't want to answer questions like "Where are we headed?" directly, as they are aware that an honest and direct answer would simply result in the woman leaving them. Most guys have a real problem with sticking with just one girl: what if another better one comes along? Also, they don't want to reach the point where they realise that they're only going to have sex with just one woman for the rest of their lives. That's why men avoid commitment.

A recent thread on this site asked why men don't just say to women, "I'm just looking for sex". The answer is of course that if they said that, they probably wouldn't get it. And since men want sex, they'll often decide to lie, cheat or whatever is necessary to get what they want, because they can't see a simple and direct way of getting it (as the direct question would be).

In summary:

• Men don't answer questions directly, because then they won't get what they want
• Women test men because they are trying to get what they want
• Neither men nor women will easily be able to change the other by complaining about these two points

--> Beethoven

 

[JohnJones]

It was said above very accurately: even if the guy has a good answer to "where are we going" as far as you're concernced (marriage, more committment, whatever) most men have had at least one circumstance where they gave a direct answer or made things perfectly clear, and got dumped, either because the girl was now bored with the guy since everything was laid out or worse.

In some cases, women ask this question as part of an ego pump: they may not care whether they stay with the guy or not but they are insulted if he isn't completely in love with them, so they ask these kinds of questions. Once their ego is propped up, they dump him.