Girlfriend is not into sex anymore

[brian123]

Hey all,

I've been with this girl for over 2 years now. We do a LDR where we live about 5 hours away. We see each other for ~6 days and then have 9 days away from each other. I have a VERY flexible job. We are both in our 20s.

Anyways, I have the same old tale. We f*** like crazy when we first started to date, but the last few months have been sex about only once in the 6 day visit to her. I know she enjoys it. She's told me that she loves having sex with me, but doesn't need it that often. Now before I hear all of the "she is getting boned by other guys thing" I highly highly doubt that is the case.

Advice on how to handle this? The last few days I've acted like I didnt want it so bad and haven't chased it, but still have not gotten anywhere. She is very affectionate towards me, but not sexually affectuionate.

Thanks all

 

[pipe007]

well who is in charge of the relationship?
if a woman is in charge of when the sexual stuff happens all the time, then you are doomed.... you have probably been rewarding this behavior for a long time, so she doesn't have the need to show displays of sexual affection, because the tension is gone.

so keep giving her some distance, and wait for her to say if something is wrong.. when she does, if I was you, I would bring up the topic

something like this "well, Ive been doing some thinking lately about our intimate life, and i think having sex is very important in the relationship... and whatever your needs are which are not being met at the moment"

I would just bring it up and HOW i FEEL ABOUT IT. do not accuse her or say what she is doing wrong, just mention how you feel about the situation, and that its making you a bit uncomfortable.

this method has always worked for me, they get it, she might get the idea that you are becoming bored or angry at the fact that there is not enough sex and will try to make things better for you if she really likes you.

good luck

 

[Kailex]

Hey all,

I've been with this girl for over 2 years now. We do a LDR where we live about 5 hours away. We see each other for ~6 days and then have 9 days away from each other. I have a VERY flexible job. We are both in our 20s.

LDR was your first mistake, and I am pretty sure I might have told you that 3 months ago when you asked if you should dump her or stay with her, if not, well, it goes without saying, LDR is a mistake.

Anyways, I have the same old tale. We f*** like crazy when we first started to date, but the last few months have been sex about only once in the 6 day visit to her. I know she enjoys it. She's told me that she loves having sex with me, but doesn't need it that often. Now before I hear all of the "she is getting boned by other guys thing" I highly highly doubt that is the case.

Actions .vs. Words:
She tells you that she loves having sex. She only has it with you 1 out of 6 days. So, which one is it? Judge the actions not the words.

Anyone who LOVES doing anything will try to do it as often as they possibly can.

I love playing basketball. If I could play basketball 6 days out of 6, I would. I wouldn't just choose to play 1 day out of 6 available days.

The point isn't whether she is boning other guys or not, the point is... Why isn't she boning YOU??? And want to know what the answer of that is: YOU.

She's comfortable in the relationship now. You let that happen.

Advice on how to handle this? The last few days I've acted like I didnt want it so bad and haven't chased it, but still have not gotten anywhere. She is very affectionate towards me, but not sexually affectuionate.

Thanks all

So your way of handling this was to act like you don't want to have sex?
So essentially, you suppressed your own natural desire in a hope and last ditched attempt to play "reverse psychology" with her?

Look, at this point, after 2 years...

My advice is: Stop looking for a girlfriend, grab a few plates, look for ones that live closer to you. A woman who loves having sex with you, will have it every single chance she can have it.

 

[Slickster]

so keep giving her some distance, and wait for her to say if something is wrong.. when she does, if I was you, I would bring up the topic

something like this "well, Ive been doing some thinking lately about our intimate life, and i think having sex is very important in the relationship... and whatever your needs are which are not being met at the moment"

I would just bring it up and HOW i FEEL ABOUT IT. do not accuse her or say what she is doing wrong, just mention how you feel about the situation, and that its making you a bit uncomfortable.

this method has always worked for me, they get it, she might get the idea that you are becoming bored or angry at the fact that there is not enough sex and will try to make things better for you if she really likes you.

good luck

I don't want to dump on Pipe007 for his advice. I'm sure his heart is in the right place. But.....

DON'T EVER DO THIS^^^^

Never ever complain about lack of sex to your girl. NEVER!!! Don't even bring it up. Talking about lack of sex does not cure the problem. It only makes it worse. Talking about this puts all the power in her hands. She has something that you want and you are letting her know it. If she's a good girl who really likes you it may help in the short term but it is a false remedy. You will encounter the same problem over and over until the relationship fails.

Pipe007 is right about one thing....

she doesn't have the need to show displays of sexual affection, because the tension is gone.

Lack of sex in a good LTR comes from complacency and being too comfortable.

Rather than get too deep into the reasons of why this happens I can tell you how to fix it.

Change your mindset to that of a single guy.

- Start really taking care of yourself and your looks.
- Hit the gym
- Go shopping and get some new clothes that make you look hot
- Start hanging with the guys more
- Go out to more social events. Make sure your girl knows about all the great exciting things you are doing without her.
- Check out other girls. (Let your girl see you do it)
- Flirt with tons of girls (Do it right in front of your girl and make no excuses)
- Expand your social network and don't hide it from her. Get calls and texts from other female friends when you are in her presence.
- Don't just "act" it but "believe" that you are the best catch out there.


All of the above serve to provide the one thing that you failing to give your girlfriend. Challenge.

Your girlfriend needs/wants to be with a guy that is desired and pursued by many other women. She wants the competition from other women. She want's to know that you could be getting laid anytime you want. She is much happier if she feels she has managed to attain something that is special.

When you provide your girl with this challenge she will move mountains to make you happy. One of those mountains is fcuking your a$$ off.

I'm not telling you to go cheat or do anything that disrespects your relationship at all. Don't do that. Let her see that you are the best thing going and you are having the greatest time, all the time. Let her know that your life is absolutely awesome with or without her. If she doesn't respond positively then you've just saved yourself a sh!tload of time. Move on to better things. If the relationship is generally good, my bet is you get what you want.

This is a win-win situation for you.

Cheers.

 

[Colossus]

Slickster gave good advice.

IMO, however, this is a sign of the way things will be from now on. Keep in mind that women primarily seek SECURITY in a relationship, not sex. With men it's the opposite. What your story tells me is that her baseline sex drive isnt all that high to begin with. Of course in the beginning there is a lot of sex. There is still that tension there, where she doesnt know if she has you or not. Once the comfort of commitment has set in, most women can revert back to their more natural instincts, which is to have sex when they feel the physical need---much less than we do. Obviously this is a generalization; some women have very active libidos and some men are less active. One thing women dont understand though is what it is like to have around 17 times the amount of testosterone flowing through their body. They cant go there.

So anyways, there are a couple of ways you can approach this. 1) is to be direct and talk to her about it, which--in my experience--does not work. You put the power on her hands and she becomes the gatekeeper, so to speak. At best this is a temporary remedy. 2) you can start doing what Slickster outlined and see how this plays out. It will take much longer, but really it's a win-win for you. By the time you've figured out whether it has helped or not you will likely have a few other girls to choose from anyway. 3) this is probably a bit drastic, but you could break it off with her. She will of course be devastated and try to reel you back in with crazy hot 'im sorry' sex. But this is dangerous because if you take her back, you rescinded on your decision and this negates your frame in the relationship. It also makes her feel obligated to sex you, which will only dry up her pvssy and make it a mental chore for her.

So, tough call. I would go with option 2 because you have nothing to lose. I have been with a girl like this, and let me tell you it was a chore. Awesome at first then later on it was like pulling teeth. What I noticed worked better than anything is the perception that you are enjoying the rest of your life A LOT---as if you truly would be fine without her. No matter what women tell you, they want to be a part of a guy who has an awesome life. If they are the center of your life then there is no excitement in it for them. They dont feel like women.

Let us know how it turns out.

 

[Radharc]

LDR + sex issues = doomed relationship, sounds like theres is mostly some emotional or psychological comfort, but in a situation like that a relationship doesn't have much sustainability really... its a matter of time before it will eventually fade into nothing, and when she (or you) finds a better prospect that person will bail. You can even become friends if you end it on good terms. But it sounds like its turning into a platonic comfort zone or whatever.
Or, she is getting bored with you but isn´t still sure of what to do in her head.

 

[Jitterbug]

If she has sex with you one out of 6 days, only talk to her one out of 6 days. If asked, just tell her you love talking to her, but don't need to talk all that often.

In those 9 days away from her, what are you up to? Do you make her feel that she has any competition at all?

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Brian,
You are not Robinson Crusoe,the only fortunate aspect about this is you found out before matters had progressed any further....Pity as she is probably a very worth while person....Don't even bother trying to discuss this with her,this is Her personality type,just as some people folk eat hearty meals four times a Day,others do quite well on a cracker and a cup of tea....You will NEVER change a persons appetites its impossible....Long distance relationships are such a waste of time,all those frustrating phone calls....But the one good thing is,it will be easy to break off....just say you have found another lover,no need to mention her inadequacies she knows very well...from then on,go NO CONTACT....just post off her bits and pieces.....In the long run better for every one concerned...amazingly there are Guys out there who thrive quite well on getting their Oats a couple of times a month,for them the Woman you dream of,would be as much a nightmare as the Three wafers a Day Girl would feel being force fed Steak,Eggs and Chips three times a Day...They may live closer to hand as well.....

 

[Falcon25]

If it's not a medical issue, the relationship is over.

 

[Slickster]

I forgot to add the most important thing.

Next time she wants to have sex, turn her down.
OR
Next time you have sex, get her to orgasm but you don't finish.


When she questions it, tell her you are fine and don't need to orgasm every time but you are happy to get her off. Some girls will put the pressure on you but hold strong.

This sends a very powerful message that says you are not at the mercy of her vagina. Do it twice in a row and watch what happens.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

I think that the larger issue here is that many women either have a misperception, a lack of appreciation, or a total DISREGARD for just how important SEX is to a man has chosen to enter into an exclusive relationship (not to mention----a MARRIAGE).

The day when it dawns on a particular woman that men have just as big a negative reaction when their women decide to STOP "having sex" as women do when their men decide to STOP "working and bringing in a paycheck"---------THAT'S the day when she'll experience a moment of UNMISTAKABLE clarity.

She'll finally know what it takes to uphold a major part of her role in maintaining a healthy, mutually fulfilling relationship. And once she KNOWS what it takes and she has the POWER to do it--------yet she STILL refuses to deliver, then that's when YOU'LL know you're in the company of a woman who is committed to TAKING "from you" rather than GIVING "to you".


Soldier on.


V.U.

 

[Slickster]

The day when it dawns on a particular woman that men have just as big a negative reaction when their women decide to STOP "having sex" as women do when their men decide to STOP "working and bringing in a paycheck"---------THAT'S the day when she'll experience a moment of UNMISTAKABLE clarity.

Good post VU.

So what you are saying is that as soon as she stops putting out, quit your job?

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Good post VU.

So what you are saying is that as soon as she stops putting out, quit your job?

Yo SLICK,


Hell-to-the-YES!:yes:



Nah...but seriously, if anybody ever wants to run a "controlled, non-scientific experiment", just casually mention to your spouses or serious girlfriends one day that you've been feeling "unfulfilled" lately and that you're thinking about quitting your job.

Then, when she's struck by feelings of abandonment, insecurity, loss of attraction, and HORROR--------and shouts out:

"What? Quit your job??? Well...what ARE you gonna do???"


Then you just calmly look at her and tell her:

"I don't know, I thought I'd just leave everything behind and just go "walk the earth" like Cain in those old episodes of Kung Fu...Or, since a frend of mine has been feeling the same way lately, we might just go out and buy an old corvette and just drive around the country aimlessly while we try to "find" ourselves.

I betcha' if you dropped it off on her LIKE THAT, then turned around and told her that the "shocked, sad, and frightened" feeling that SHE'S feeling right now is the EXACT same way you'd feel if she ever thought for A MOMENT about deciding to stop having sex-----------then I bet at least she'd NEVER forget that little conversation for the rest of her life... :rockon:

 

[Slickster]

I like it a lot!

 

[Burroughs]

The day when it dawns on a particular woman that men have just as big a negative reaction when their women decide to STOP "having sex" as women do when their men decide to STOP "working and bringing in a paycheck"---------THAT'S the day when she'll experience a moment of UNMISTAKABLE clarity.

Yes but you're missing a crucial point.

For about 2 MILLON YEARS OF HUMAN KIND the REACTION of a woman was irrelevant. Women had no frame when it came to the actions of men. SHe was a vehicle of his desire.

She was simply told what to do and she did it. The minute that we deemed it profitable as a society to allow women the same rights as men...the negotiations began. And the matrix was built. And here we are.

My Chinese and Indian friends laugh in the lab when I tell them of what we western men have to do to keep up our 'relationships'.

 

[backbreaker]

have you changed physically since the relationship started? when I was 21 I had the same thing happened to me, but i had put on 40 pounds lol.

 

[Da Realist]

Been two years? I think either she's waiting for you to move this relationship further or she's getting ready to jump ship.

 

[squirrels]

this method has always worked for me, they get it, she might get the idea that you are becoming bored or angry at the fact that there is not enough sex and will try to make things better for you if she really likes you.

Yeah, but do you REALLY want to be in a relationship where you have to use coercion tactics to get your woman to want to screw you?

That just sounds tedious to me, when there are willing slvts everywhere.

LDR was your first mistake, and I am pretty sure I might have told you that 3 months ago when you asked if you should dump her or stay with her, if not, well, it goes without saying, LDR is a mistake.

Right on.

Never ever complain about lack of sex to your girl. NEVER!!!

Let's take that one step further...never complain about ANYTHING in a relationship. Complaining implies weakness...i.e. you're saying you don't like the way something is going but you have no way to fix it. If you can't take action to fix a problem, don't complain about it to your woman...it makes you look weak in her eyes.

Plus, women never respond to oral arguments or logic. They respond to action and emotion.

Slickster is right...if you have a gripe, you should show that you have options to address that if she won't.

I think that the larger issue here is that many women either have a misperception, a lack of appreciation, or a total DISREGARD for just how important SEX is to a man has chosen to enter into an exclusive relationship (not to mention----a MARRIAGE).

That's why you don't get involved with a woman like that in the FIRST place.

I'm not a "typical man"...if I ever get a steady girl or get married and I'm f*cking once a week, that would be superb for me. But still, I would never marry a woman who doesn't appear to get enjoyment out of being with me and is either 1) using it as leverage or 2) doing it just to keep me happy.

I think the attitude that "SEX IS CRITICALLY IMPORTANT" is the reason why so many men are b!tches in relationships these days. If we're not dependent on foreign oil, we don't give a damn about Middle Eastern sabre-rattling.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Hey kids what time is it?

DJ MATH TIME

Okay kids, word problem:

BRIAN spends 9 days alone with his d!ck in hand. He then spends 5 days with his girlfriend, d!ck in hand, doing whatever people not-ƒucking do, and 1 day with her having sex for about an hour. Considering the 10 hours of drive time to and from his true love's location, how many hours a month does BRIAN wait to have mediocre sex?

If you answered 718, you're correct!

Bonus question: In a two year LDR, how many half-hearted sexual encounters has BRIAN averaged with his girlfriend?

If you answered 48, you're correct!



Thanks again for playing, 'WHY I SHOULD NEVER ENTERTAIN THE IDEA OF AN LDR EVER AGAIN'

 

[NewMan]

I have dealt with this personally - and I know many people who have also dealt with this.

You can do 1 of 2 things.

1) Put up with it
2) leave.

No amount of arguing, pressuring, pushing, game playing will change this in the LONG RUN. You can do some things for the short turn, but it will never change ove the long term.