Girlfriend finds another guy "attractive."

[infamous]

Hi.

My girlfriend, whom I'm in a very serious relationship with (she's moving across country to live with me in 4 months, since I got moved after joining the military) told me today on the phone that she found this other guy, whom we'll call Bob, attractive. Let me give you some key details about our relationship first.

I met her 2 years ago prior to joining the military, and were mere acquaintances. We just worked together basically. I left, and a year or so later we started talking on Myspace for a while, then eventually text and phone conversations. We were at (and still are at) the point where we pretty much are in constant communication all day, be it though IM, text, or phone conversations. She told me she found me really attractive, and this was through our talks alone. Basically she was set on me before we even met. Then I came home late last year, and we spent most of the 24 days I was home together, and became intimate in many different ways, physically intellectually, and emotionally. We had sex, and she basically told me I was the best lay she's ever had--male or female (yes she's bi). I had to come back, and then plans developed for her to come live with me.

Basically, this isn't a joke, I know that I'm the best thing that's came in her life and she finds me attractive on every level.

She is honest with me, and told me that she talked to this guy she works with on her break and she finds him attractive because he is really intelligent. So I keep with the honesty thing and say "Well I'm glad you had a good conversation, but the fact that you find him attractive makes me uncomfortable." She goes to say that I have nothing to be worried about, because she loves me, but she just finds him attractive.

Ok, I'm not bothered by the fact that she will find guys physically attractive, but this attraction is really bothering me. And it probably wouldn't bother me as much if she was just like "Oh he's attractive. END OF STORY" But she's like "But I kinda wanted to chill with him. Because I just enjoy the conversations he and I have. That's really the main attraction."

I find this makes me really uncomfortable, and basically, unacceptable. She has male friends already, and they don't bother me. But this one I don't want her to have.

Basically what I'm asking is, am I being too restricting, and need to just get over it (because I do trust her...)? Or am I right, and she shouldn't hang out with him if it makes me uncomfortable?

Basically what I've told her so far is, (because I don't want to be directly restricting, I just want her to know the negative side effects of this unacceptable behavior will have on this relationship) "I'm not saying you CAN'T hang out with this guy, but you know it makes me uncomfortable. If I were in your shoes I would just put it out of my mind because I know that it would hurt you."

What do you guys think? Thanks for reading through this. But if you couldn't make it, here's a tl;dr.

tl;dr : Girlfriend, who truly digs me, says she finds a guy attractive after talking to him at work. It makes me uncomfortable. Am I overreacting (even though I can't shake this jealousy feeling) or should measures be taken to deter this behavior, such as what's mentioned in the above paragraph.

 

[j0n024]

IF you were me I would just say...

I dont want you hanging with him...

Plain and simple, she starts *****ing just tell her how it would feel if I started hanging out with a girl I thought was cute....exactly she'd freak even if she say's no.

Why are you trusting a girl in the first place? Your the only one that you should trust in the world and even if she's your wife I wouldnt trust her.

But what I really think this is is her whole way of NOT meeting up with you in a couple of months, what a coincidence that she starts talking about some guy so close to you guys living togethor.

But whatever , I say just tell her straight up you dont like it but do what you want.

 

[I.A.F.Y.B.]

I hate to tell you this.. But, this is from things I've seen. My friend lived on a Military base in 29 palms CA. A LOT of wifes and girlfriends cheated while their boyfriend or husband was away. Which, disgusted me cause you guys are fighting for our lives and country...

Don't get mad or anything it could be some stupid game she is playing. Or could be a sign to watch your back..

 

[SharinganUser]

I think you should just let it roll off your shoulders and shrug it off. Just tease her about and AMOG the guy. Make jokes about how you think they would have beautiful childern together and that you'd think they would make a cute couple. Also tell her about how you met this hotty at work/mall/whatever.

 

[Desert Fox]

I think you should just let it roll off your shoulders and shrug it off. Just tease her about and AMOG the guy. Make jokes about how you think they would have beautiful childern together and that you'd think they would make a cute couple. Also tell her about how you met this hotty at work/mall/whatever.

...idiot. they are dating already why would you use this on your own gf?

better question why do you have a gf like this? you want to be tied down to a wh0re like her? she will cheat on you dude, just a matter of time. if she had any respect for you she'd keep this to herself at least because she'd feel a little shameful, but from the looks for it she doesn't give a damn

 

[Bass-Turd]

Hell, atleast she's honest. she could've lied to you while sneaking around and hanging out with this dude on the side.


Would you want THAT?


didn't think so. I say it's nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable about this, but if you trust your gf then you know she wouldn't do anything with him. People are drawn to attractive people, and if she does do anything with him, then drop her point blank

It's dumb to think that a woman will never find another man attractive after she finds you. after all, if she didn't like men she wouldn't have found you in the first place.

don't get all bent out of shape over this. show her that you are confident in your relationship. you are her man after all, Not him

The fact that she was honest with you about this reflects your bond with this woman. she doesn't feel like she has to hide things from you.

Don't start making her feel that way

 

[Drum&Bass]

First off you need to ask yourself, WHAT IS THE LOGIC IN CHOOSING TO LIVE WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND ?!?!?!?! Any other questions or issues after this are irrelevant.

2nd off...WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO GET SERIOUS WITH A BI-SEXUAL GIRL !?!?!?!?!

you sound like a nice guy just asking to get cheated on and hurt, stop setting yourself up for failure, stop trying to get serious with women especially strange women who use words to make you think your a somebody.

ohhh and to the above poster...there is NO BOND between him and this girl, she is manipulating him and playing him like a puppet. She knows he is to much of a wimpy nice guy to realize she is not the woman he has made her out to be in his mind.

 

[slaog]

It sounds like you done the right thing by telling her you're uncomfortable with the situation.


Ask her if she'd mind if you were hanging around with an attractive female whose company you enjoyed. If she says yes then she'll see your point. If she says she wouldn't mind it then shes lieing.


She should then stop hanging out with this guy. If not then she's putting that guy before you and you need to think twice about investing your time with her.


Don't let her think you're being insecure. Tell her you've high standards for yourself. You wouldn't hang around with other attractive women out of respect for your GF and you expect her to have those high standards too. NO excuses.

 

[SharinganUser]

...idiot. they are dating already why would you use this on your own gf?

better question why do you have a gf like this? you want to be tied down to a wh0re like her? she will cheat on you dude, just a matter of time. if she had any respect for you she'd keep this to herself at least because she'd feel a little shameful, but from the looks for it she doesn't give a damn

I think this was just a test. Wether or not there is actually a new guy that she is attracted to is irrelevant. The fact that she said anything means it was a test. If the OP has confidence, then he shouldn't take this to seriously. He should think of himself as the prize and anyone hitting on his gf is just doing something futile. If she wasn't interested in the OP, then she wouldn't let him know that she was attracted to someone else, she'd just go ahead and cheat. Then break up with him for some stupid reason.

I don't think he should go so far as to dump her like you said, but toning it down the emotional investment would be wise.

 

[Nutz]

Speaking from experience, the military is the worst place to have serious relationships. Women will cheat left, right, and center (even if they have kids they still did all the time).

Instead, trying using the massive DHV that being in the military is to your advantage. You'll pull a lot just because of that, especially in areas that aren't saturated with other military guys. Go the mall dressed up in Class A's and you're the epitome of peacocking.


As for the part about her finding another guy "attractive", you have to spin it around and make her associate that stuff with a negative. The key to doing this that I found while married:

"How would you feel if...."

 

[splinter cell]

Personal Opinion

Personal Opinion...

Okay dude here's the score... this girl... how long have you actually physically been with her? I don't mean sex I mean hanging out, talking, going out, doing things together - that's one. Two: how long has she known this guy and how much does she let you know about him, and how much does she know about him? Three, if she is bi that means lots of bars, bar hopping and drinking. Four, since you're in the army there will always be a possibility that she will cheat on you... how do I know? Former soldier of the U.S. Army. Anyway, if you have not known her for at least a few months (that means anytime over 6 months, then chances are shes already been with him especially since you're not there all the time). This is the reality (and maybe she haven't been with him yet, we are never insured from that kind of atrocity). These days it is so cool to cheat on your significant others its better than cocaine... IDK why. Anyway if you haven't known her for too long or you think she is cool then don't worry but if she wants to hang out with him most of the time there are two versions... one version leaves you heart broken which you shouldn't be because there is always someone better for you and she will be by herself at the end wishing she never hurt you or version two - she loves you and tells that guy to suck his own weenie. Look dude, if you haven't known her for too long then don't let her come down there and live off of you. And if she wants to get married too (which happens a lot with soldiers these days, she will take your things and have her own pocket pal to buy stuff for with your money... I have seen it happen many times). What you do is up to you. Third version and my favorite... ask her if she wants to be with him... if she says no then cool whatever but if she says yes... tell her to kick rocks and not to come to you. Whatever you do, is up to you. I'm rooting for you brother...

 

[backbreaker]

my wife tells me she thinks guys are hot all the time. doesn't mean she actually wants to **** any of them. i tell her i think women are attractive all the time. sometimes i get caught looking a little too hard at a woman with nice legs or what not, but i mean, people don't stop being attractive just beucase you are dating that's silly talk.

to me that's fairy tale thing, that you are just supposed to become oblivious to the world now that you are dating someone. to me that's a stupid stance. maybe i'm the stupid one but i like my stance on this issue.

and if she were actually thinking of doing something she would say as little as possible about the guy.

 

[VladPatton]

I agree with backbreaker that she wouldn't of said much if she was doing anything. But, being natural born pretty little liars, you can never know. Aftr trying way too many internet long distance relationships, I found out that the guy who is closest to her will usually beat you to getting her. She doesn't have to get on a plane and see him as she needs to do with you, so she goes for the local guy.

So, you can't let this break you down. Tell her she can go get him. Give her 100% freedom, but let it be known that you have your finger on the A-Bomb button and will send her packing with no remorse if she gets with this chumpdiggity. And do just that if she does. Be not afraid for dumping her prior out of your own free will, sometimes your gut feeling is very true. An indispensable tool.

The fact that a woman can cheat on a military man is just beyond sickening. I honestly have no words for that.

Good luck.

 

[Fatal Jay]

I WIL NEVER TRUST A BI SEXUAL WOMAN

that's a woman who just to sexual,never ever ever trust a bi sexual woman, that's a beyond slut that she has to go for other genders

she letting you know she is about to cheat bro,brake up

 

[Bible_Belt]

I'm rooting for you brother...

I feel the same about everyone here. I am rooting for us all to learn to read the dates before bumping old threads

my wife tells me she thinks guys are hot all the time...i tell her i think women are attractive all the time.

me too, same deal.

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

my wife tells me she thinks guys are hot all the time. doesn't mean she actually wants to **** any of them. i tell her i think women are attractive all the time. sometimes i get caught looking a little too hard at a woman with nice legs or what not, but i mean, people don't stop being attractive just beucase you are dating that's silly talk.

to me that's fairy tale thing, that you are just supposed to become oblivious to the world now that you are dating someone. to me that's a stupid stance. maybe i'm the stupid one but i like my stance on this issue.

and if she were actually thinking of doing something she would say as little as possible about the guy.

Of course. Just because your in a relationship doesn't mean you ain't going to think that someone else ain't attractive. Shoot, I went to Lenox Mall yesterdays (Phipps Plaza to be exact) and when I was walking in this restaurant this dime piece girl was checking the kid out. (Shoot, I was looking good with the Gucci Belt and Blazer). Shoot, I looked back at her and the girl was fine as hell. Brown skin chick with straight body.

On the other hand I would never tell my girl I found another woman attractive. That's common sence that I'll find another girl attractive. I'm not going to sit out and say it though. I still know I want to be with my girlfriend. Automatically it should be common since that this is disrespectful unless talking about it first.

To be honest with you OP. This girl is bi (would have been my first red flag). BI girls in my experience are the biggest freaks. You really think she is waiting for you while your across the country to get her fix? For her to even say she wants to chill with this dude is very disrespectful. What you need to do is say that'll be fine and don't be exclusive with her. If she wants to chill with other dudes then there is definitely a problem at home.

 

[Igetit!]

Umm.....you guys might wanna check the date on this thread.


If the Op is still dealing with this issue 3 and a half years later,no advice ON EARTH will be able to help him,lol.

 

[floydb25]

Heh... I live in a military city, and yes, *****es do cheat while their husbands are away. But, they did this **** even when I lived up north.

Most girls who talk like this, or otherwise flirt around, end up cheating - while lying to everyone involved. Usually they set up all the plans - then blame the guy, and tell half-truths about what really happened - while expecting the SO to forgive and forget.

I honestly dont know a single girl who didnt cheat, or wouldnt if the opportunity was available, and they had a small chance of getting caught, AND the other party was up for it. I've had literally hundreds of opportunities to have women cheat, but didnt go through with it. This is even after they lied about their "situations". So, if I'm not initiating this ****, and even backing off from their advances - what do you think would happen with another guy - who was, and didnt? They'd cheat.

A lot of "hot" playboys (that women seek after, by the way) arent banging just single girls out there. A lot of their ONS' are with taken women, and its the women that set it up. They see hot, unavailable guy... They have sex with them. Thats how simple and easy it is. And they know this. If youre ever on the other side that gets approached... Women come up to you... They flirt with you.. Try to get immediate sex with you.

*****es dont care, man. They want whatever appeals to them at the time, and will find a way to get it - consequences be damned. She might be telling you this to rid her guilt, and not be viewed as bad. They do that a lot. They ALWAYS mention a boyfriend or husband, and claim to be seperated, or on the rocks - then jump straight to flirting and sex.

If a girl is actually telling you this straight up - and yes, some do - it means she has a wandering eye, and not so high of interest. Remember: girls dont always think before they speak, and just blurt **** out based on how they feel. Theres a lot of truth in this **** that men dont pick up, or view as the red flags they are. They also dont read between the lines. She's kind of telling you what she's about. Women dont really lie in these instances - men just dont pick up on this ****, then act dumb-founded later.

Also, just because a woman is in "love" (as far as safety and comfort) doesnt mean she doesnt still lust over hot guys that get her juices flowing. Nor does it mean she wont hesitate to have no-strings sex with them. Cheating doesnt always mean affair or branch-swinging... Many times, its simple sex. And if given the chance - they'll do it... Then go back to their SO like nothing happened.

*****es arent dumb... They know when they have a good thing going, and will show all the signs of love and devotion - but still lust and cheat. They will also tell whomever theyre confiding in that they find them attractive, or whatever. Even if not directly - theyll still talk about them a lot. This is a big red flag. That doesnt mean they will branch swing, but it also doesnt mean they wont cheat.

9 times out of 10, they will cheat. Even if in a simple one-time ****. Then right back to their relationship.

But this is all how I view it based on personal experience. Maybe pessimistic and cynical, but **** happens a LOT. Most women act on their feelings at any given time - then worry about the consequences later. They see hot guy, want hot guy, talk about hot guy, try to get hot guy for sex. Throw in some excuses and guilt cleansers, and theyre good to go. As long as they get what they want, and not have to suffer for it.

I wouldnt trust the *****. But do what you will.

 

[AriMamba]

I hate to tell you this.. But, this is from things I've seen. My friend lived on a Military base in 29 palms CA. A LOT of wifes and girlfriends cheated while their boyfriend or husband was away. Which, disgusted me cause you guys are fighting for our lives and country...

Don't get mad or anything it could be some stupid game she is playing. Or could be a sign to watch your back..[/QUO |hey i dont want to be an assole or anything but i never understood how they are "protecting our country" if they are in ANOTHER country getting killed while we are here enjoying everyday worry free because lets face it when was the last time you saw a suicide bomber..... My toughts exactly.

 

[zekko]

I think this sounds like a huge red flag. Not so much that she said the guy was attractive. But then add in that she's bi, she has male friends, and she wants to chill with this guy - all while you are currently in a long distance relationship. I wouldn't like the sound of it.

What is there in all that soup that makes me want to be in a serious relationship with this girl?