ConfusedPain
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- Jan 11, 2008
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Hello All,
Long time lurker, first time poster. I finally ran into a problem I didn't know how to handle and thought the community might benefit from seeing...
I will try to sum things up for everyone and not leave any important details out. Post is long and I apologize for that. Me and my now ex-girlfriend have been in a 5 1/2 year long term relationship. We started going out senior year of high school (both 17, now both 22). We ended up going to different colleges (she stayed in our home town, I went 90 minutes away to school) so we have had a long distance relationship for most of that time period. We felt strongly connected to one another then so we decided to give it a shot and it worked for most of college (only one break up in that time and it only lasted 4 days)
Last year around this time I received a job offer in southern California (I used to live in Wisconsin) and obviously this was a big deal for us. At first she said that she would never forgive me if I took this job offer but then I explained to her why I was even considering it in the first place and she realized why this was such a great opportunity for me (I was also thinking about "us" as career wise this position had much more upside then any other offer I had at the time; thinking about providing for me and her for our future) and said that she would support whatever choice made me happiest. This was the hardest decision I ever had to make because I did love her deeply and the only reason for me to stay was her. There were so many reasons to come to Cali (growth as a person, making it on my own with no family at all within a 1000 miles, career, etc.) and just one giant reason for me to stay. I told her that if after a year (when she would be graduating) she didn't want to move to Cali I would move back to be with her. I felt that I had to at least give this a shot and decided to leave.
I graduated in May 2007 and shortly after my graduation the reality of me moving away hit her, she started hanging out with new people (in particular one guy) and we started having problems. She said she couldn't deal with the distance and we ended up ending things. Not gonna lie, I still loved her and we still talked but things were strained and she started seeing someone (the guy mentioned above) shortly after I left in July. She came out to visit me in late August and things weren't going particularly well with her other guy and they broke up... we ended up getting back together. Since then things have been pure hell, there have been good times however most of the time involved me being constantly suspicious of her continuing to hang out with this guy. It wasn't like I was being super jealous and I never was that way previously in our relationship... there was some truly suspicious things going on!!! And in the end I was right!
Anyway, earlier this week she writes me an e-mail (completly immature if you ask me, least she could have done was tell me over the phone) saying that she thinks its best that we break up (we had been discussing this for at least the last month so this wasn't a surprise) and the reason she thinks its best that we break up is that she had sex with this other guy (not surprised, she claims that she doesn't remember at all because she was drunk, she just found out herself because she she talked to him about the pregnancy before she talked to me about it and that is the only time they did anything, clearly this is possible but I don't believe it and it doesn't make sense) but not only that, she was now pregnant (complete shocker!) and the baby looks like its gonna be his, but there is a slight chance that it could be mine too (all this is based on last day of period, last time we had sex since I am home only about once a month and the fact they apparently had sex the time in between) Most likely it is in fact his baby, but being the man that I am and how I feel about father hood I must know. We will clearly know when the baby is born as we were an interracial couple and the guy is the same race as her, but another 8 months is a long time to bear that uncertainty burden!
Me and her have had our share of close calls ever since high school, increasing more and more as the years have gone by. We haven't used any other protection (including pulling out every time) other than birth control pills, and she stopped taking those last summer so I know the risks that were involved and this was something that both me and her accepted. When things were good honestly we thought about a future family and the thought of her getting pregnant was something we didn't cringe at. Responsibility is not something I have ever been afraid of and although the timing of this one would not be ideal and would be tough, I am definitely not worried about it. If the child is mine it will definitely have a strong father presence in its life, and I will make every effort to do so.
My question is in regards to me and her. Its appearant to me that she is no longer the girl I fell in love with. We became best friends during our relationship... I am having a hard time cutting her off completely in my head. Basically where I am at is I don't know if I can be friends with her. If I ever got back to her I don't think at this time in my life I could ever be faithful to her again and I think I would hold it against her. But I also feel like she was such a big part of my life that i don't feel like cutting her out completly. She expects me to never talk to her again. The day she told me I blew up her phone and wanted to ask her 1000s questions (I was in an angry stage) and she all but completely ignored me. I think she is feeling ashamed of what has transpired and is avoiding me to avoid the reminder of what she did. That was Tuesday and I tried to setup a time to talk to her on the phone the next day and she texted me back asking me when i was free to talk and I didn't text her back because I didn't want to call her only to be rushed off the phone and her be distant and thought maybe an email would be better.
Today is Friday and I am not sure how to communicate this: I am hurt but I am definitely OK and ready to move on, I will not abandon her if the kid is mine, I am not going to cut her off like she expects me too and I am willing to continue to talk to her but things will not be the same now, if ever again, and my time is no longer for her and to say all of this in a way that is not vengeful and complainy. Its hard to keep myself from showing her how much I am hurt by this and to keep myself from trying to not call her a hoe or something else mean. It may seem strange that i am willing to still keep in touch with her (no way in hell for romantic interest now, if ever again!!!) but I guess I find it hard to simply cut out over a half a decade of my life overnight.
Does anybody know what is best for me to say to her, I feel I should say something? Should I do this in an e-mail or try to get her on the phone and tell her (maybe leave a voice mail if she can't face me)? Is there anything else i should do? Should I even bother? Any help is appreciated.
Sorry for the length but I see so many questions that leave things out. I didn't want to leave anything out. Whatever way I respond it won't be so wordy.
Long time lurker, first time poster. I finally ran into a problem I didn't know how to handle and thought the community might benefit from seeing...
I will try to sum things up for everyone and not leave any important details out. Post is long and I apologize for that. Me and my now ex-girlfriend have been in a 5 1/2 year long term relationship. We started going out senior year of high school (both 17, now both 22). We ended up going to different colleges (she stayed in our home town, I went 90 minutes away to school) so we have had a long distance relationship for most of that time period. We felt strongly connected to one another then so we decided to give it a shot and it worked for most of college (only one break up in that time and it only lasted 4 days)
Last year around this time I received a job offer in southern California (I used to live in Wisconsin) and obviously this was a big deal for us. At first she said that she would never forgive me if I took this job offer but then I explained to her why I was even considering it in the first place and she realized why this was such a great opportunity for me (I was also thinking about "us" as career wise this position had much more upside then any other offer I had at the time; thinking about providing for me and her for our future) and said that she would support whatever choice made me happiest. This was the hardest decision I ever had to make because I did love her deeply and the only reason for me to stay was her. There were so many reasons to come to Cali (growth as a person, making it on my own with no family at all within a 1000 miles, career, etc.) and just one giant reason for me to stay. I told her that if after a year (when she would be graduating) she didn't want to move to Cali I would move back to be with her. I felt that I had to at least give this a shot and decided to leave.
I graduated in May 2007 and shortly after my graduation the reality of me moving away hit her, she started hanging out with new people (in particular one guy) and we started having problems. She said she couldn't deal with the distance and we ended up ending things. Not gonna lie, I still loved her and we still talked but things were strained and she started seeing someone (the guy mentioned above) shortly after I left in July. She came out to visit me in late August and things weren't going particularly well with her other guy and they broke up... we ended up getting back together. Since then things have been pure hell, there have been good times however most of the time involved me being constantly suspicious of her continuing to hang out with this guy. It wasn't like I was being super jealous and I never was that way previously in our relationship... there was some truly suspicious things going on!!! And in the end I was right!
Anyway, earlier this week she writes me an e-mail (completly immature if you ask me, least she could have done was tell me over the phone) saying that she thinks its best that we break up (we had been discussing this for at least the last month so this wasn't a surprise) and the reason she thinks its best that we break up is that she had sex with this other guy (not surprised, she claims that she doesn't remember at all because she was drunk, she just found out herself because she she talked to him about the pregnancy before she talked to me about it and that is the only time they did anything, clearly this is possible but I don't believe it and it doesn't make sense) but not only that, she was now pregnant (complete shocker!) and the baby looks like its gonna be his, but there is a slight chance that it could be mine too (all this is based on last day of period, last time we had sex since I am home only about once a month and the fact they apparently had sex the time in between) Most likely it is in fact his baby, but being the man that I am and how I feel about father hood I must know. We will clearly know when the baby is born as we were an interracial couple and the guy is the same race as her, but another 8 months is a long time to bear that uncertainty burden!
Me and her have had our share of close calls ever since high school, increasing more and more as the years have gone by. We haven't used any other protection (including pulling out every time) other than birth control pills, and she stopped taking those last summer so I know the risks that were involved and this was something that both me and her accepted. When things were good honestly we thought about a future family and the thought of her getting pregnant was something we didn't cringe at. Responsibility is not something I have ever been afraid of and although the timing of this one would not be ideal and would be tough, I am definitely not worried about it. If the child is mine it will definitely have a strong father presence in its life, and I will make every effort to do so.
My question is in regards to me and her. Its appearant to me that she is no longer the girl I fell in love with. We became best friends during our relationship... I am having a hard time cutting her off completely in my head. Basically where I am at is I don't know if I can be friends with her. If I ever got back to her I don't think at this time in my life I could ever be faithful to her again and I think I would hold it against her. But I also feel like she was such a big part of my life that i don't feel like cutting her out completly. She expects me to never talk to her again. The day she told me I blew up her phone and wanted to ask her 1000s questions (I was in an angry stage) and she all but completely ignored me. I think she is feeling ashamed of what has transpired and is avoiding me to avoid the reminder of what she did. That was Tuesday and I tried to setup a time to talk to her on the phone the next day and she texted me back asking me when i was free to talk and I didn't text her back because I didn't want to call her only to be rushed off the phone and her be distant and thought maybe an email would be better.
Today is Friday and I am not sure how to communicate this: I am hurt but I am definitely OK and ready to move on, I will not abandon her if the kid is mine, I am not going to cut her off like she expects me too and I am willing to continue to talk to her but things will not be the same now, if ever again, and my time is no longer for her and to say all of this in a way that is not vengeful and complainy. Its hard to keep myself from showing her how much I am hurt by this and to keep myself from trying to not call her a hoe or something else mean. It may seem strange that i am willing to still keep in touch with her (no way in hell for romantic interest now, if ever again!!!) but I guess I find it hard to simply cut out over a half a decade of my life overnight.
Does anybody know what is best for me to say to her, I feel I should say something? Should I do this in an e-mail or try to get her on the phone and tell her (maybe leave a voice mail if she can't face me)? Is there anything else i should do? Should I even bother? Any help is appreciated.
Sorry for the length but I see so many questions that leave things out. I didn't want to leave anything out. Whatever way I respond it won't be so wordy.
