The only advice I will give you is this. Do not make her a factor in your education. This is not your wife. Your wife should be the only woman you factor into major life decisions. You will go to the school that best serves YOUR goals and needs. The fact that you are going off to school has doomed this relationship already to be honest. So do what's best for you first.
Girl who's father abused her, any shot or forget it?
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Johnnyventana
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To the OP, your initial post basically defined cluster b, specifically borderline. Like perfectly. 3 months is also key. As that seems to be their limit of 'pretending' to be normal. Search borderline on this forum. One sure way to test this: Remove all attention from her. If you chase, even normal contact, she'll feel 'smothered' even though you are not smothering her. The wanting to define the relationship, was the nail in the coffin. This chick is borderline, no doubt, with maybe a little post traumatic stress syndrome thrown in for good measure.
Borderline basically is post traumatic stress syndrome. It's just how they cope.Johnnyventana said:
To the OP, yes, you should run. I know, it sounds harsh. It sounds as if you're abandoning a girl who could really use your help. And the sad part? That's exactly what you're doing. But it's the right thing to do and also what helps her most in the end. I know that, by now, you're thinking of fixing her. She's a sad little girl and you want to make her feel better. If you truly care about a borderline, there are two things you can do to help her:
1) You can take a ****load of abuse. I mean, emotional abuse of unimaginable heights. If you are able to completely emotionally detach from this girl and rationally say you will always be there for her (and you are) then maybe her issues are solved, because she finally finds someone who appears to really love her. But it will take years and she will try to destroy you.
2) You abandon her. Your role in helping her is small, but significant. Maybe she gets lucky and she has four or five guys who abandon her early on. Borderlines are capable of change, but generally only when they start to see that maybe, just maybe, it's them. No bull**** like DBT therapy and stuff, those are coping mechanisms. A borderline needs to be abandoned. Esentially, if you'd put her away on an island for a week and force her to be alone, she'd come back cured.
I suggest you go down route number 2. If you do so before she manages to screw you over, expect her to cling to you and fight back. If you still resist at that point, she might start a smear campaign and paint you black. She could also pretend not to care and cut you out of her life (this is good). Even in the last case however be prepared for her return a couple of months down the line.
WALK AWAY.
Johnnyventana
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The other issue, which is typical with a borderline, is that she already 'likes' some new guy. Listen to her. She's telling the truth. At least what she feels. And she feels a lot! This new person is a clean slate. She will pedestal him. And the harder you cling to her, the harder she will push you away. Push away first, and you have a chance, until the next round, and the next and the next.
You see. It's never ever fixed. You'll think you are all good one night, and the next morning, she'll be a freak. You'll wonder, did I do something wrong? (Nope) Yet, you'll try harder to get back to the 'good', and thus further push her away. It's the very definition of a no-win situation. Just watch!
You see. It's never ever fixed. You'll think you are all good one night, and the next morning, she'll be a freak. You'll wonder, did I do something wrong? (Nope) Yet, you'll try harder to get back to the 'good', and thus further push her away. It's the very definition of a no-win situation. Just watch!
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jax871 said:
He's pretty much hit the nail on the head.
She probably has low self esteem issues or some **** like that.
If you try to psychoanalyze her and her problems, it's just going to drive you crazy as well.
Meh, forget it, the OP is already fvcked. I mean, he posted this thread to get some advice about the situation, because he cares. He's emotionally attached to this girl. She already likes another guy, so he came too close, but deep down he wants her to adore him again, because otherwise he wouldn't be asking questions.Johnnyventana said:
Either he's a smart bastard and listens to what we have to say or he's going to hurt himself. Then again, it's a good experience to have in the end. If you survive that is.
I think some of you are overstating how much this affects me. Obviously I'm a bit bummed, but after reading and seeking advice I'm kinda seeing alot of this is out of my hands. Asking if we're in a relationship twice might not be the smoothest thing but it was a general question and I felt it natural after this length of time, she didn't answer me the first time so I tried again later. I didn't think she'd bring it up as she was kinda shy/quiet regarding the stuff. It wasn't in a beggy way just asked her what the deal is.
If doing that pushes her so far away so quick that she latches onto another guy and the floodgates burst with information about an abusive dad then obviously there's some issues that are best discovered early and not down the road ie. she's living in an apt with me and cheats, etc.. Chances are if the guy she likes now gives her attention she'll probably drop him and spam me again.
I'm going to go no contact. It's healthiest for me (stepping away from her) and if she were normal and I were trying to get her IL back up then it's the best way. It's a good learning tool as I'll see withholding attention is usually best for raising IL which will help me in the future with other girls as I'll know it works first hand. Kinda like know
ing the stove is hot and not to touch but you still do so it sears it in your mind and hand.
If doing that pushes her so far away so quick that she latches onto another guy and the floodgates burst with information about an abusive dad then obviously there's some issues that are best discovered early and not down the road ie. she's living in an apt with me and cheats, etc.. Chances are if the guy she likes now gives her attention she'll probably drop him and spam me again.
I'm going to go no contact. It's healthiest for me (stepping away from her) and if she were normal and I were trying to get her IL back up then it's the best way. It's a good learning tool as I'll see withholding attention is usually best for raising IL which will help me in the future with other girls as I'll know it works first hand. Kinda like know
ing the stove is hot and not to touch but you still do so it sears it in your mind and hand.
goldengoose
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keep the no contact
squirrels
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OK...per your request I read your first post. Here's what jumped out at me:
She's tried 7 different approaches to getting you to back off the whole "let's start a relationship" angle...from saying she likes another guy to saying she's not relationship-material to crying about her father hitting her.
It seems by the fact that you're posting here about it that all 7 approaches have failed miserably.
This girl is trying everything she can to tell you that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you...except coming out and just TELLING you she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.
Why? Because she's afraid you'll call her any number of dirty names, including "slvt", if she slept with you and then decided she wasn't into you. She wants you to still be cool with her, and based on your obsessive behavior and refusal to take "no" for an answer, she's afraid of what you'll do if she comes right out and says it.
That's how girls operate.
In fact, the more you persist in the face of the red flags she's flying, the less esteem she will have for you. She will see you as "so desperate" that you are willing to hang on to a woman who has given you EVERY SIGN POSSIBLE that she isn't good for you.
First of all, like I said, you, as the guy should NEVER be the one to start the "what are we" conversation...it shows neediness.
If you DO start the "what are we" conversation, you don't ASK her what she thinks, you TELL her, "I want you to be my girl". Putting the decision in her court is too much pressure for most women...they're shy and they want to be directed in things like this, rather than forced to set the direction. There's no guarantee she'd go along with it, but at least then you wouldn't seem so weak and indecisive.
And once she tells you "no", you DON'T keep pushing for reasons or explanations. Regardless of what she says, the reason is ALWAYS, "I'm just not into you that much". Don't ask her to rationalize it...she's a woman. Her rationale is she's free to date or not date anyone she wants, for her own reasons, which she is under NO obligation to detail to you. You should feel honored that she likes you enough to make up not one, but SEVEN bullsh*t reasons that she doesn't want to be with you, just to try to let you down easy, despite the fact that she owes you NONE.
Pick one of them, accept it. Doesn't matter which...whichever makes you feel best about yourself. Then do this:
At this point, I'm probably wondering the same thing she is wondering...what she has to say to get it through your dense skull that she DOESN'T WANT a relationship with you.
...and 7. She's emotionally damaged from parental abuse.
She's tried 7 different approaches to getting you to back off the whole "let's start a relationship" angle...from saying she likes another guy to saying she's not relationship-material to crying about her father hitting her.
It seems by the fact that you're posting here about it that all 7 approaches have failed miserably.
This girl is trying everything she can to tell you that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you...except coming out and just TELLING you she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.
Why? Because she's afraid you'll call her any number of dirty names, including "slvt", if she slept with you and then decided she wasn't into you. She wants you to still be cool with her, and based on your obsessive behavior and refusal to take "no" for an answer, she's afraid of what you'll do if she comes right out and says it.
That's how girls operate.
In fact, the more you persist in the face of the red flags she's flying, the less esteem she will have for you. She will see you as "so desperate" that you are willing to hang on to a woman who has given you EVERY SIGN POSSIBLE that she isn't good for you.
First of all, like I said, you, as the guy should NEVER be the one to start the "what are we" conversation...it shows neediness.
If you DO start the "what are we" conversation, you don't ASK her what she thinks, you TELL her, "I want you to be my girl". Putting the decision in her court is too much pressure for most women...they're shy and they want to be directed in things like this, rather than forced to set the direction. There's no guarantee she'd go along with it, but at least then you wouldn't seem so weak and indecisive.
And once she tells you "no", you DON'T keep pushing for reasons or explanations. Regardless of what she says, the reason is ALWAYS, "I'm just not into you that much". Don't ask her to rationalize it...she's a woman. Her rationale is she's free to date or not date anyone she wants, for her own reasons, which she is under NO obligation to detail to you. You should feel honored that she likes you enough to make up not one, but SEVEN bullsh*t reasons that she doesn't want to be with you, just to try to let you down easy, despite the fact that she owes you NONE.
Pick one of them, accept it. Doesn't matter which...whichever makes you feel best about yourself. Then do this:
goldengoose said:
KarmaSutra said:
KontrollerX said:
AlexDP said:
This explains the BPD woman precisely. Literally. She falls asleep in your arms after a starry-eyed goodnight kiss, after romance, after sex, and you wake up next to a woman who wants nothing to do with you (that happened to me on many occasions after what I thought were some of the most romantic nights of my life). It doesn't matter - you arise to find her on the far side of the bed and as responsive as a corpse. Or perhaps you'll be in her arms - there is no telling.Johnnyventana said:
Nobody is perfect, so when she goes from turning you on to turning on you, you still nitpick yourself over things that shouldn't have made a difference. You'll still blame yourself.
It's been 60 days since I last saw my BPD ex and to this day I'm depressed over her. I've dated nearly ten new women (all of whom are younger, most of whom are prettier, all of whom treat me better), but I still am not over the ex. Probably the worst heartbreak of my 40 year life - and I dated at least 100 girls. Why do we obsess over BPD women? Because they are unsolvable problems and our subconscious mind won't stop trying to resolve such women. Spare yourself this torture.
Yep. And also because you want that intense idealization back. Another thing that has kept me very depressed about my BPD ex (although it is now all starting to go away) is that she will try to ruin your reputation. Her parents, mutual friends.. they all hate me now and all I ever did was be nice to the girl. To make matters even worse there will always be some point at which you fight back by insulting her or whatever and you'll feel absolutely miserable about this for months, because with her being BPD, she is not only genuinely hurt she will also remember it for the rest of her life.bigneil said:
And then there's the horrible tactics to hurt you after the break up. She completely cut me out of her life, because I got too close and severed all connections with me. Or did she? She never defriended the mutual friends who took my side, although she accused some of them (they're girls) of sleeping with me. The love notes on facebook, the pictures with her new man.. they're not just for her new man. They are also there for my friends to see, for them to inform me and for me to feel bad. And from what I hear, when you finally get over it all, when you just stop caring, she will suddenly want you back in her life.
I heard it has to do with them creating both a chemical and psychological addiction to them in your brain as well. There are quite a lot of studies on abusive relationships and to the OP I say, if you were a truly confident man, you wouldn't be as involved with her as you are now. Do some introspection, man.
