Girl likes me but pulls away because of a defense mechanism? Wha?

[Juicyjays]

Hi guys,

I recently started dating a very gorgeous 28 year old. Her past is rough, she's been physically abused by her ex (badly too), so she wants togo at a slower pace, which is cool.

She came over last night (4th date), and she was in an odd mood. She left within an hour of coming over. I was a little confused, then she sent me this huge text,

"I want to appologize, I have had such ****ty situations in my past and am not used to someone being nice and genuine that I'm not used to it and I might start pulling away. Its just a defence mechanism and not what I mean to do. I'm sorry and you may have to be a little patient."

I texted her back saying it's all good, I understand since her last relationship was horrible. I said we'll take it slow and see where it goes from there. Thanked her for being upfront.

Can someone explain this defense mechanism a little better? Any advice on what to do? Im a confident, genuine guy and will never be different to impress a chick.

 

[Jariel]

I've had this happen a number of times. I dated one girl and she acted ice cold for the first hour of our date. I almost called it quits and walked out, but when I asked her if she was ok she opened up and admitted she was really nervous and gets panic attacks. After that, things went really well.

Other girls have flaked on me, then revealed some weeks/months later that they were being defensive. There's a lot of cynicism on these boards that say if a woman is cold or flakes, she must be banging some other guy, but sometimes there's more to it.

However, here's something you have to watch out for. With women like this, it can be way too easy to become too nice, too caring and sensitive. Even though these women are insecure, they are still women and are still repulsed by guys who kiss their ass.

I fell into this trap a number of times. I tried to overcompensate by showing her I was not like the guys who abused her and I was more gentle etc. I even held back from making moves, but it was my downfall.

Treat women like this the same way you would treat any woman and don't repress your sexuality. Just understand if she's a bit erratic, it's nothing personal. Don't go chasing her and getting all understanding and sensitive if she backs off, just give her space and let her come to you.

 

[women haze]

You should have just said ...."Thank you for being up front" and left it at that. you didnt need to say all that other sensitive ****....

Give her space and let her come to you

 

[gaspipe]

Jariel is correct. The worse thing you can possibly do is try to be the sensitive understanding guy lest you become her shoulder to cry on while shes banging the the jerk who treats her like shyt.

I would just disappear for a while and give her some space to sort things out. if she has any interest in you she will wonder WTF happened and come looking for you.

 

[Single4Life]

She's crazy and/or probably has serious mental issues she has to deal with.

If it's just a fu** you want, then don't sweat it and just wait...

If it's a relationship... if it were me, I would stay away.

 

[Juicyjays]

Good advice, that's pretty much what I thought.

I'm a very busy guy to begin with (60 hour work weeks) and I'm actually going on vacation for a week down in Mexico in a couple days with my buddies, so she'll have tons of time to think.