Girl I like wants me around as a friend

[Oddman]

I don't want to be just friends I want to go out with her but she said last year she wasn't ready because she wasn't over her ex. We worked together and spent alot of time at work flirting and spending time like bf/gf. That was between Feb-October last year. We grew close because from Feb-April she called me nearly everyday.

I got feelings for her so it is awkward keeping in contact(especially that I have not seen her for 2 months) and also because we used to speak about 3 times a week. I have tried to ask her when she was free for us to go for a drink but she just says she will let me know or said "yea" "maybe"

She contacts me every now and then and since xmas I have contacted her less but usually do most of the contacting. I'm really stuck here guys. On one hand I know it's not going anywhere, plus so many other guys call her etc, so I feel like distancing myself(I think she can tell) but on the other hand as soon as I do that I miss talking, can't get her out my mind and feel guilty. I have feelings for her but I'm frustrated that I can never set up a date. I already know the answer before I ask so when I do I probably don't sound confident.

So with that said, what should I do? and how often should I contact...I was always there for her and feel depressed I can't work with her no more and don't know how long it can go on because it saddens me. She is a confused girl who sends mixed signals to guys, but I believe we had something as she cried around me when things were not working out. Also, our eyes would lock on and her eyes would squint so she seemed really into me.

 

[Iceberg]

So with that said, what should I do?

Work out, focus on real-life goals and not female-focused goals, and MOVE ON.

and how often should I contact..

Never. What's left to say to this girl?

You think she's your friend? She's not. She sees you as 50% Friend, 50% ego-booster. If she were your friend, she would want to have drinks with you. If she were your friend, she wouldn't send mixed signals. So look at her for what she is - a failed attempt at dating. You didn't get the girl, so move on. When your favorite sports team losing a game, do they hang out on the field afterwards? No. They go home, and get ready for the next game.

She is a confused girl who sends mixed signals to guys, but I believe we had something as she cried around me when things were not working out. Also, our eyes would lock on and her eyes would squint so she seemed really into me.

Don't be the jackass who believes girls are "confused" about their feelings. Trust me, when this girl wants a guy, he is NOT confused about her. She isn't sending mixed signals. She's answering his phone calls, going to his dates, and f**king him afterwards.

You're getting the mixed signals because she doesn't want you. Once you let go of this fantasy, you'll see it for what it was. All the crying, the "our eyes locked" bullsh!t....yeah, it resulted in what? NOTHING. You got nothing...so stop telling yourself that it was more than what it really was.

 

[st_99]

Do a search for 'AFC' and start reading. Go through the DJ bible, come back in a year.

 

[Mike32ct]

I know how you feel, but I will give this to you straight w/o sugar coating. So please don't take this personally.

She is NOT confused. It's a myth that a girl "doesn't know what she wants.". Women always know what they want. (Whether she can realistically get it or not is another story.)

She likes the attention and may even feel some affection for you, but sexually it's just not there. She's secretly lusting for some tall muscular tatooed biker or band member or bartender, probably named Kevin. Or she spends her spare time hanging out at the volunteer fire department with large built men because "she really wants to learn how to fight fires" LOL.

So she's not confused per se, just a bit torn. She probably knws on some level you'd be a good boyfriend, but young women are run by lust and their vaginas. (They think with the wrong head every bit as much as men, if not more.). So she can't get herself to date you because she doesn't want to b@ng you.

So honestly you are wasting your time. She just isn't the right girl for you. I'm sure you are convinced "She is perfect for you," but that is an ILLUSION. If she were perfect for you, she would date you.

Don't try to be her friend. Just let her go. If she calls to whine about what a jerk Kevin was to her, hang up.

 

[nismo-4]

I'm ruling you guilty of overanalyzing.

If you want to be more than friends with this girl, just grow some balls, and make a damn move.

Read my sig and apply it.

If you get shot down, just move on. Don't cry over spilled milk.

You aren't going to be attractive to every woman.

Case closed.

 

[floydb25]

Yeah... There's no such thing as confused or not ready. Once she finds someone she is crazy about - all of those fears will be gone... Because they were never real to begin with. Excuses are just that. They mean nothing.

You guys spend too much time analyzing their situations, and believing everything they say. Waste of time. Don't assume she's keeping you around for potential, or wants to be your friend first. This is how a lot guys fall into the doormat trap. Either you're dating or not. It's not that difficult - for you or her. Don't make things out to be bigger than they are. Focus on the facts. Always.

Mixed signals indicate low interest - not confusion. Feeling like your a couple doesn't mean you are a couple. The only one benefiting from any of this is probably her, right? She holds all the power, decides if you are good enough her, keeps you around just in case... Never act as an SO without benefits, or wait around and prove yourself. That's just asking to be used. Don't make it all about her. You are hurting too, right? Do your feelings not matter?

 

[khussa28]

ive been in your situation long ago, please you must trust me, you must listen to this advice, i was in the exact position as you, i was in love with someone that didnt like me, i thought i never will love anyone else, even though she saw me as a friend, you must move on from this woman, you must follow the advice the guys are giving

i now have found a better woman, and now im glad i stepped away from her

 

[HalfAddict]

She is just not ready for a relationship now....

with you.

(edit: she withholds the with you part so you think ya got a chance)

 

[Oddman]

Since I've been speaking with her for awhile, it seems weird to just vanish if you know what I mean.

I know it's doing me no good. I'm really upset, not so much AFC just pissed that we were tight at work, and now that's finished our connection is fizzled.

I don't think my mind was ready for any of her games. I got all worked up and enjoyed the fact a HB10 was spending most of her time with me and that she couldn't take her eyes off me. Now some people have female friends and I was thinking thats all she could be but after all this time it's a strange. I don't get why I feel for her when deep down this has been dead for months.

 

[floydb25]

Figured it was a hot girl. With them, especially, you gotta make sure they're interested. They get lots of attention, have guy friends, flirt around... It's all normal behavior to them. Even stringing guys along is no big deal... They have too many prospects to care. They're used to all this stuff. It's very easy for you to think they're interested - just by their very nature... In reality, they couldn't care less. They're just out-going, flirty, friendly, whatever.

 

[perseverance]

"Girl I like wants me around as a friend"

If you have feelings for her that go far beyond the realms of friendship (which yours do) then you decline her offer of friendship. I'm not saying go up to her and say "Hey, I don't want to be friends with you", just back off from her, don't contact her, keep things civil for worksake, but let the dust settle.

Also what you speak of is what I went through with a girl a few years ago, it's an identical situation. I thought we had this and that, but potential is nothing if that potential is not maximised and utilised to full effect. You say you had a relationship like bf/gf, but that means absolutely nothing unless you were actually bf/gf.

I'd just move on and find someone else.

 

[Mr. Suave]

As I've told people before, focusing on hobbies only works for as long as you're doing the hobby. Sure go and do some boxing for 2 hours, feel okay? But when it's over, oops, bad feelings are back... So unless you want to become monk-like and work on your hobby literally 24/7 it's not gonna do much for you. The only way to get over it is to find a new girl to focus on... When you first meet a girl you will think: "**** girl 1, I don't care if I ever see her again". Granted after the buzz dies down your old feelings will come back, but if you take things further with girls you meet you'll get over it.

Try to see it as holding out in a war for supplies to arrive, you feel ****ty like you have to call her to feel better, but realize meeting new women and spending time to take things further with them will do it too, so tell yourself "okay hold out just a bit longer, in a couple of weeks I'll have met a new girl so just hold back from talking to little miss oneitis."

Another thing that helps but may possibly be a temporary buzz is to realize you're better than her. You're the more attractive of the two and she's got head issues to turn you down. Girls WAY hotter than her WILL like you (statistical fact, there's billions of people in the world) so keep that in mind. A lot of guys take the rejection personally (and it IS personal) and believe NO GIRL will like them and that they're unattractive. That can feel worse than the rejection itself, in fact that's usually the case. Guys think they can only get a girl uglier than the one they asked out or with a ****ty personality. Not true.

Again those realizations might only be a temporary buzz and the only way to forget her is to meet new girls. Find one to chase and you're mind will focus on her instead.

 

[Oddman]

She was always telling me about how depressed she was and other personal things. Our personalitys are similar in someways so for that reason it's hard to just stop talking. I agree that when you have feelings it is better to back off because it's messed with my mind far to long now and knowing how many other guys are doing the same thing as me makes it even more awkward. She is a cool girl though does have a fun personality.

 

[Jariel]

I'm just going to echo everything Iceberg said. She's not a genuine friend and as soon as she meets a guy, she'll stop calling you and will forget you exist. The same thing happened to me too many times until I finally smartened up.

What's more, the more time you spend with this girl, the more available you are, the less attractive you will appear to her.

As Iceberg said, go and spend some time working on yourself. Become the guy that girls want to fvck rather than the guy they want as a friend.

 

[MisterD]

The friend zone is such a tricky thing. My take on it goes back and forth. On one hand I'm like okay, I'll play it cool like I don't care, I'll come across as a guy who has so many other options that a "friend" is a nice change of pace.

Other times it's like wow. I'm staying in contact with a woman who pretty much made it clear she doesn't find me attractive enough to sleep with me. What am I lingering around for? It can really take a toll on your masculinity.

I think it comes down to the actual person. I try not to generalize and try to keep my interactions with people unique to them. If you sense you're STILL trying to impress her or win her over and all you do is get shot down, or she says she wants to be friends but flakes on you every time you want to hang out, or you feel you're the one doing all the work. She is not a friend. She is using you to feed her ego.

On the other hand, there are chicks that are really cool and for one reason or another they just want to be friends with you. But actual friends. They'll serve as a wing woman, go drinking with you, set you up on dates with other friends. And it is a mutually beneficial relationship. Plus it opens the door for you to meet other women. That is the only healthy friendship between a man and a woman.

If the man wants to bang and the girl is just using you as an ego boost. That's not a friendship and it can't work. There are however, some chicks that are cool as **** and actually DO provide you with a legit friendship. You have to make that determination personally.

And like many said, the more girls you meet, the less this becomes a problem. You'll be playing with house money. She throws the friend card at you, you can laugh it off and move on that very day if you care to, or you can decide to remain friends with her. It wont be this epic decision that takes careful consideration and whatnot. You really wont care either way because you'll have other things going on

 

[floydb25]

She was always telling me about how depressed she was and other personal things. Our personalitys are similar in someways so for that reason it's hard to just stop talking. I agree that when you have feelings it is better to back off because it's messed with my mind far to long now and knowing how many other guys are doing the same thing as me makes it even more awkward. She is a cool girl though does have a fun personality.

One of the interesting aspects of the friend-zone is how men and women handle friendships differently. When guys hang out with friends, they shoot the ****, make jokes, etc. With women, though, they talk about everything and anything. When we confide in women - this is not normal friendship behavior to us. But with women, it is. So, when she tells you about her problems, is able to talk to you about anything, shares all these things with you - that's how women are with friendships.

This is probably where we get confused, and assume that because they're opening up means they're interested - since we don't open up in the same manner to our friends. We don't view the women as friends, but they do with us. If a girl started acted like a guy, we'd probably view her as a friend, too. So, stop acting like one of her girlfriends.

The main thing, though, is sexual attraction. That is the difference between friends and lovers. If she's sharing all these personal things and NOT showing sexual interest - she's not interested. Giving you excuses and sending mixed signals means she's not interested. But, women still like keeping their good friends around, so they have someone to talk to. It doesn't mean they're interested.

Also, if you wait too long to make a move, show sexual interest, and take things to the romantic level - you can be placed into the friend-zone. You don't have to act like a friend, and its highly recommended that you don't. Don't avoid their sexual advances, or assume she's opening up as a friend first. Gotta escalate early.

 

[MisterD]

You guys I had a friend zone related question, didn't feel it warranted an entire new thread so I'll just ask it here.

What would you say in your experience is the best response to the LJBF line?

Typically, I just say "Oh haha, that's cool" and go no contact, pretty much explaining through my actions that I'm not into that.

But has anyone openly rejected her friendship invite? I mean, most of the time it's just used as a polite form of rejection, so it's not a real friendship anyway. I do feel, as stated in my earlier post, that some friendships CAN be real/beneficial, but I'm talking about the phony ones.

saying something along the lines of "Oh that's cool. I don't really do the whole friend zone thing but thanks for the offer haha". Or "Oh ok. Well thanks for the heads up but I don't really do the friends thing". Or something along those lines. A polite rejection from my end to match hers. But could that be seen as juvenile/afc/bitter/trying too hard?

I just figure, in her experience, she's mostly come across 1.) guys she doesn't use the friends line on, 2.) guys that accept it and cling to her scraps, 3.) guys that go no contact.

But how many guys have actually told her thanks but no thanks? And with a carefree, yet firm stance on it? What would even be her response to that? Especially if it's a girl you may see at school or some social gathering?

Keep in mind I'm not asking how you would win her back as I feel once she uses the friends line I've lost any and all interest I had in her and would never try to put in more work to get out of the friend zone in the very slim chance she comes around. This is more of a, what do you think the reaction would be sort of thing.

Have any of you pretty much declined her friendship and what was the outcome?

I'm sure the apathetic/really disinterested ones would say "oh ok bye" or whatever, but the ones who want to keep you around to make them laugh, boost their ego, and listen to their problems. For you to pretty much say "no, you can't have your cake and eat it too, I'm not gonna be your male girlfriend." I wonder what they'd say