GF Problems Need Help...

[Slick101]

So Iv'e been with her for 2 years...

Anyways this is what happened...

She calls me 3 days ago and we talk like usual and she is saying how much she loves me and how Im her baby and all the cute nice stuff that makes me feel good. My response was. "are you drunk"... why are u acting like this...

She said shes acting like that cuz she loves me... We hang up (she was on her way to work) and when she gets off she calls me and acts very wierd..

No more of that romantic stuff she was telling me.. now she was being very general and cold... Like HI;; what u doing?... What are u gona do? and silence..

She then tells me she has to call me back becuz her friend is calling her...(ill call u in 1 min)

1 hour passes by.,. she calls me and I get very mad (INSECURE I AM MAYBE)

I ask her who she was talking to and why she is acting diff now... well we start arguing she hangs up the phone and i go to bed..

Next say she was general again and the day after that and until now... she doesnt act like my GF anymore... Im trying to tell her to stop acting like this and stop doing what shes doing cuz i dont like it, but she says im crazy and acts very UNLOVING again...

I dont know what to do to get her back to GF mode again... I cant c her until next week we live 2 hours away

There is more to the story but this is all I can sum up to right now..

Advice???????

 

[brokenupinside]

First she's lovey dovey and you call her a drunk then she changes and you don't like it either.I don't get it,even if she was drunk you should've let it slide,it does not have to be always a power struggle IMHO.

 

[Slick101]

So what now?.... Im thinking how to get back into the zone where I am the MAN

Should I not pick up her phone calls.... Or should I just break up with her?

 

[brokenupinside]

There's guys more qualified here to give advice but I think you screwed up,I'm not putting you down bro you understand,I just think that you messed up,now maybe pretend nothing happened (if that's possible)like pretend it was a joke and take her out for something special that YOU thought of but do not let her know it's an apology,show her you are still fun and you are interested without being obviious.:flowers:

 

[thedarkpassenger]

Sounds like she was testing you. She wanted to pour on her "love" really thick, and was expecting you to do the same. Since your reply wasn't "I love you to honey bunny!" she's hurt and is trying to act cold to make you upset. It's her twisted little game of revenge for making her feel un-loved.

When women get hurt, their first response is usually to act cold and distant. Doesn't matter what they say or claim is the reason they're acting like that to you....the reason is, she's hurt emotionally.

Personally, I've been with women that are insecure and will fall apart if you don't say exactly what they want you to. If you still want to be with her and it's worth it, I suggest you pick her up, with some flowers, and tell her to her face "Look, I appreciate what you said to me the other day and I'm sorry about my stupid response. I was caught off guard and didn't know what to say. To be honest, I do love you too, and I really care about you. Let's pretend that never happened, ok?"

That's worked for me in the past --- just be honest with her!

 

[Slick101]

Sounds like she was testing you. She wanted to pour on her "love" really thick, and was expecting you to do the same. Since your reply wasn't "I love you to honey bunny!" she's hurt and is trying to act cold to make you upset. It's her twisted little game of revenge for making her feel un-loved.

When women get hurt, their first response is usually to act cold and distant. Doesn't matter what they say or claim is the reason they're acting like that to you....the reason is, she's hurt emotionally.

Personally, I've been with women that are insecure and will fall apart if you don't say exactly what they want you to. If you still want to be with her and it's worth it, I suggest you pick her up, with some flowers, and tell her to her face "Look, I appreciate what you said to me the other day and I'm sorry about my stupid response. I was caught off guard and didn't know what to say. To be honest, I do love you too, and I really care about you. Let's pretend that never happened, ok?"

That's worked for me in the past --- just be honest with her!

You are right... She is acting cold and all...

She just called me 2 hours ago I didnt pick up... Usually when I dont pick up she keeps calling me... this time she just left me a voice message telling me
That She didnt want to argue with me yesterday cuz she was with people and she didnt call me cuz i was pissing her off... she said I know we need to talk so either call me before 6 or Ill just talk to you later...

 

[Slick101]

Any other advices

 

[DJDamage]

Any other advices

Send her flowers with a card saying "I am so sorry" and everything will be okay

is that what you wanted to hear?!:crackup:

The fact of the matter is that your girlfriend is fvcking immature and acting out while creating unnecessary drama into your life, whether she was justified or not is irrelevent (unless she is fvcking someone else and this is just the guilt spilling out). The fact that she blatantly disrespected you like that tells me that you have a high tolerance for her bullsh1t and she knows it.

You probably helped to create this monster and now you are reaping of what you sow.

 

[evoken]

I cant c her until next week we live 2 hours away

:crackup: Why the hell would you have a LTR with someone who lives 2 hours away?

After this sort of disrespect you should have already demoted this dumb h0 to fvck buddy status.

 

[Slick101]

She is always on the other line when I call her.... even at 2AM... when I ask her who she is talking to she says her Uncle... or her friend Natalie... Then when I ask her how do I know that its them and not some guy tells me that Im accusing her of **** and she says she doesnt have time for this and hangs up on me...

Then she never picks up my phone calls... Im tired of her treating me like this and When I tell her how I feel... she gets pissed and says its all in my head and hangs up on me....

How do I deal with this idiot?... I know she lives 2 hours away I want to see her on webcam so I can talk to her face to face and let her hear me out,... but she says she will do it when she finds the time cuz shes busy with school and work...

This has been stressing me out for the past couple of days...I want to seriously end this relationship but when I think about ending it the thought brings up a fear in me... Im afraid I wont get over her and I will be in sadness for a long timeee...

This is me talking from my heart guyss...

Thanks alot for those of you who can understand and help me....

 

[Igetit!]

Slick101,let me ask you a question.


This girl you're talking about,is it the same one from this reply?


My goodness dude. That reply was from over A YEAR AGO when I first joined up here.



I can't believe you're still hung up/in this same situation with this girl over a year later.



Well if you didn't use any of the advice given back then,I don't see why you'd ask for more.

She is always on the other line when I call her.... even at 2AM... when I ask her who she is talking to she says her Uncle... or her friend Natalie... Then when I ask her how do I know that its them and not some guy tells me that Im accusing her of **** and she says she doesnt have time for this and hangs up on me...

This behavior is common.

It's normal. This is how women treat men who behave AFCish around them.


They look down on them,put them down,basically they despise them.



You got problems dude. Internal problems. If you're still with the same girl who was yelling and screaming at you a year ago,you need help...SERIOUS HELP.



No self-respecting man would put up with this nonsense.



I don't know,maybe you think being with a girl who treats you like dirt is better than being alone,or you fear not being able to get another girl if you let this one go.




Whatever the deal is,your thinking is faulty.

... Im tired of her treating me like this...

Apparently not.


You've been putting up with it this long,what's a year or two more.

When I tell her how I feel... she gets pissed and says its all in my head and hangs up on me....

You shouldn't tell a woman how you feel. Come on man,you know that.

How do I deal with this idiot?... I know she lives 2 hours away I want to see her on webcam so I can talk to her face to face and let her hear me out,...

Question here...

You want this "idiot" to hear you out,right?


OK,once you've said whatever it is you want to say to her,and she's heard you out,what is it you're hoping will happen?



What do you want her to do?


You think she'll say she's sorry? Apologize for the way she's treated you?



You think she'll say she's sorry,that she'll never to it again,then start being nice and sweet from here on out?


Is that what you're hoping will happen?

but she says she will do it when she finds the time cuz shes busy with school and work...

That's a lie.

Even you should know that,Slick.



So she has time to talk to her uncle and her friend "Natalie" with her school and work schedule,but for some reason she can't find time for you?



Please tell me you don't believe this.

I want to seriously end this relationship but when I think about ending it the thought brings up a fear in me... Im afraid I wont get over her and I will be in sadness for a long timeee...

This is fear of the unknown.


Even being alone for a while can't be as bad as what you're going through.



Yeah,you will feel sad if you end it. I know,I've been in a situation similiar to your's.




I once dated a girl who had started to mistreat me. It didn't get as bad as your situation,but the fear I had about breaking up was that I wouldn't be able to get another girl.



What happened was she cheated on me,and even then,I still wanted to be with her. She told me this over the phone.




Then she came over to my place and we sat down on the couch. She told me that she cheated on me,BUT I noticed something.




She NEVER apologized.




Now look at this: She cheated on me,and not only did she cheat on me,she had so little respect for me that she came up to me and told me flat out to my face.




Most people try to hide that fact that they cheat.


She didn't.


She cheated,and told me flat out. She did that because she "sense" my insecurity,and she knew I didn't have the comfident to go out and find another woman.



But I had been working on myself,doing some internal work on myself as a person,and I threw her for a loop.



Although my confidence to get another girl was shakey,my sense of self had been growing.





So when she told me she cheated,I was willing to forgive her...if she apologized. I waited and waited and waited for her to say,"I'm sorry",but she never did.



So then I said,"I think we need to go our seperated ways".



It was rough,I won't lie. But I did it.



She had a stunned,shocked look on her face. Then I told her that we've tried and tried,and it's not working out.




Then tears started rolling down her face. For a second,I felt bad,but I held strong.




Anyway,after she left. I felt weird. I felt bad becaused I knew I'd miss her,but I also felt GOOD...at the same time.



I felt good because I stood up for myself,and for once,I refused to accept bad behavior from a woman.





That was the first time I had ever did that.




I put myself...that is,my well-being,my peace of mind,my self-respect,I put ALL THAT above my desire for sex/women.





And you know what? The good feeling I had OUTWEIGHED the feeling bad I had for losing her.




And I've been doing that every since. In fact,THAT'S THE PROBLEM.




When you put a girl above yourself,when simply having her is more important to you than her treating you with dignity and respect,you get what you've got with this girl.




Like I said before,if this has been going on since that one reply of yours over a year ago,I don't see you taking any of the advice given here all of the sudden,and making things better.





So I'll leave you with this....


Good luck.

 

[Slick101]

Slick101,let me ask you a question.


This girl you're talking about,is it the same one from this reply?


My goodness dude. That reply was from over A YEAR AGO when I first joined up here.



I can't believe you're still hung up/in this same situation with this girl over a year later.



Well if you didn't use any of the advice given back then,I don't see why you'd ask for more.



This behavior is common.

It's normal. This is how women treat men who behave AFCish around them.


They look down on them,put them down,basically they despise them.



You got problems dude. Internal problems. If you're still with the same girl who was yelling and screaming at you a year ago,you need help...SERIOUS HELP.



No self-respecting man would put up with this nonsense.



I don't know,maybe you think being with a girl who treats you like dirt is better than being alone,or you fear not being able to get another girl if you let this one go.




Whatever the deal is,your thinking is faulty.





Apparently not.


You've been putting up with it this long,what's a year or two more.



You shouldn't tell a woman how you feel. Come on man,you know that.

Question here...

You want this "idiot" to hear you out,right?


OK,once you've said whatever it is you want to say to her,and she's heard you out,what is it you're hoping will happen?



What do you want her to do?


You think she'll say she's sorry? Apologize for the way she's treated you?



You think she'll say she's sorry,that she'll never to it again,then start being nice and sweet from here on out?


Is that what you're hoping will happen?



That's a lie.

Even you should know that,Slick.



So she has time to talk to her uncle and her friend "Natalie" with her school and work schedule,but for some reason she can't find time for you?



Please tell me you don't believe this.



This is fear of the unknown.


Even being alone for a while can't be as bad as what you're going through.



Yeah,you will feel sad if you end it. I know,I've been in a situation similiar to your's.




I once dated a girl who had started to mistreat me. It didn't get as bad as your situation,but the fear I had about breaking up was that I wouldn't be able to get another girl.



What happened was she cheated on me,and even then,I still wanted to be with her. She told me this over the phone.




Then she came over to my place and we sat down on the couch. She told me that she cheated on me,BUT I noticed something.




She NEVER apologized.




Now look at this: She cheated on me,and not only did she cheat on me,she had so little respect for me that she came up to me and told me flat out to my face.




Most people try to hide that fact that they cheat.


She didn't.


She cheated,and told me flat out. She did that because she "sense" my insecurity,and she knew I didn't have the comfident to go out and find another woman.



But I had been working on myself,doing some internal work on myself as a person,and I threw her for a loop.



Although my confidence to get another girl was shakey,my sense of self had been growing.





So when she told me she cheated,I was willing to forgive her...if she apologized. I waited and waited and waited for her to say,"I'm sorry",but she never did.



So then I said,"I think we need to go our seperated ways".



It was rough,I won't lie. But I did it.



She had a stunned,shocked look on her face. Then I told her that we've tried and tried,and it's not working out.




Then tears started rolling down her face. For a second,I felt bad,but I held strong.




Anyway,after she left. I felt weird. I felt bad becaused I knew I'd miss her,but I also felt GOOD...at the same time.



I felt good because I stood up for myself,and for once,I refused to accept bad behavior from a woman.





That was the first time I had ever did that.




I put myself...that is,my well-being,my peace of mind,my self-respect,I put ALL THAT above my desire for sex/women.





And you know what? The good feeling I had OUTWEIGHED the feeling bad I had for losing her.




And I've been doing that every since. In fact,THAT'S THE PROBLEM.




When you put a girl above yourself,when simply having her is more important to you than her treating you with dignity and respect,you get what you've got with this girl.




Like I said before,if this has been going on since that one reply of yours over a year ago,I don't see you taking any of the advice given here all of the sudden,and making things better.





So I'll leave you with this....


Good luck.

I really look into what you said... even back then... You see... I had problems with her back then and then we figured the way to solve them... We've been good for about a year up until NOWW!!.... AGAIN....

Her behavior didnt continue back then if it did I would have dettached myself from her... this started again couple of days ago...

Just now she called me... I told her I needa talk to her... but not over the phone.. over webcam... she yelled and then told me if I have to say something.. then say it.. But I knew she wouldnt listen to me... AND she didnt she hung up... Shes like If you wanna break up just say it now and thats it... SHES TESTING ME I believe....

I want to tell her face to face whats wrong... and if she doesnt fix it... we r done...

Thats my goal...

 

[Igetit!]

I really look into what you said... even back then... You see... I had problems with her back then and then we figured the way to solve them...

You said that you had problems with her,and "WE" figured out a way to solve them,and "WE" have been good for about a year up til now.


If that's true,then good. It's good when a couple works together to make their relationship better.


You've posted what you did to help strengthen the relationship. You said that you've called her and told you two need to talk,so you're trying to keep the lines of communication open.


That's good.


So tell me,what has she done to help the relationship get back on track?


So far,all you've said she's done is yell,yell some more,instead of agreeing to talk to you face to face told you if you had anything to say,just say it over the phone,hang up on you,make time for uncle and "Natalie",but blow you off.


I'm sorry,I've seemed to miss the part where she contributed to helping build up the relationship. Could you please point it out?

Just now she called me... I told her I needa talk to her... but not over the phone.. over webcam... she yelled and then told me if I have to say something.. then say it.. But I knew she wouldnt listen to me... AND she didnt she hung up... Shes like If you wanna break up just say it now and thats it... SHES TESTING ME I believe....

Hmm...yelled at you again,huh?


You said you think she's testing you. I guess it's possible,but one thing I DO KNOW,if she is testing you,you're FAILING.


If I didn't know better,it seems like this girl has some sort of emotional problems,I mean problems like when a child is abused when they're young,then they grow up and act out because of what they're been through.

I want to tell her face to face whats wrong... and if she doesnt fix it... we r done...

You want to tell her face to face what's wrong. Well let's say she does agree to see you face to face.


What do you plan to say to her,and what does she have to do to "fix" it?



In you're original post,you said something about there being more to the story,but you never said what that "more" was.




Maybe if you reveal it,the forum can better help you out.

 

[Slick101]

You said that you had problems with her,and "WE" figured out a way to solve them,and "WE" have been good for about a year up til now.


If that's true,then good. It's good when a couple works together to make their relationship better.


You've posted what you did to help strengthen the relationship. You said that you've called her and told you two need to talk,so you're trying to keep the lines of communication open.


That's good.


So tell me,what has she done to help the relationship get back on track?


So far,all you've said she's done is yell,yell some more,instead of agreeing to talk to you face to face told you if you had anything to say,just say it over the phone,hang up on you,make time for uncle and "Natalie",but blow you off.


I'm sorry,I've seemed to miss the part where she contributed to helping build up the relationship. Could you please point it out?


Hmm...yelled at you again,huh?


You said you think she's testing you. I guess it's possible,but one thing I DO KNOW,if she is testing you,you're FAILING.


If I didn't know better,it seems like this girl has some sort of emotional problems,I mean problems like when a child is abused when they're young,then they grow up and act out because of what they're been through.

You want to tell her face to face what's wrong. Well let's say she does agree to see you face to face.


What do you plan to say to her,and what does she have to do to "fix" it?



In you're original post,you said something about there being more to the story,but you never said what that "more" was.




Maybe if you reveal it,the forum can better help you out.

Weve been together for 2 years now... I cant reveal everything that had happened its too much... the important part is that when me and her are good... we are GREAT!!
When things go wrong... its really really BAD...

Every couple of months she acts out... My psychologist tells me she is "unstable"

I try to put the relationship back together... But when I do it... it is very hard and it takes timee...

Yesterday She texted me that she is in class when she didnt pick up her phone call... I texted her saying ... if you want this relationship too last we needa talk about it today and have a fresh start tommrow..

She agreed...

When she got out of school at 10... she got home at 11 and called me at 11 20 when shes already in bed... U CC.. she usually calls me as soon as she gets out of school... this makes me wonder weather or not she is avoiding me...

I didnt pick up because I was in the shower... she texted me saying... Im going to bed talk to you tommorow.. gnite..

I called her bak when I got her message.. she answered and I told her :

"Look, I know u have scool I know u r tired... but for the last couple of days u disrespected me and made me feel as if im a stranger to you.. Weve been together for 2 years.. this isnt the way it is supposed to be we are mature and smart enough to NOT play games... It seems u have more time so spend with ur so called "uncle" and natalie... but not me... lets get over this problem and move on or else it will get worse"

She tells me that I annoyed her and accused her of being with other guys and thats why she was avoiding me... she couldnt argue with me when she was with other people...

I am supposed to see her tommrow (she was supposed to come to me NY)
She lives in NJ and she told me that tommorow she cant come to me because her NANA is over at her house and that I should come to her...

"If you really care and love me you should come to me because I cant come there" (thats the way she put it)

I told her i dont know... and Ill let her know...

Today all day she didnt call me... but then called me about an hour ago telling me that she got home... She didnt really talk to me and told me she is very tired and wants to eat and relax cuz scool is stressin and so is work... She said the reason she called me is soo I wouldnt have a COW....

To that we ended Now here I am posting this reply...

I dont know if I should see her tommorow... maybe I should tell her that ill give her space tonite...

I dont know....

What do you say?

 

[Slick101]

You told me to read your thread and here I am.

IGetIt! and DJDamage nailed your problem with your girlfriend. Whether you contributed to the problem in the past matters little about how you go about turning things around now. I'm sure you're emotionally attached to this girl, because you've been dating for atleast a year, but what is best for you is to break up with her -- don't explain how you feel just end it.. I have my reasons, trust me it's the best thing to do. You even said yourself "how do I get back to being the MAN"..when you're no longer the man in a relationship.. it's time to get out. I submit the only reason you're still in this relationship is because you're needy.. in fact the only reason most men remain in relationships with girls who disrespect them is neediness (trust me you're not alone).

Now the question is how to find the emotional energy to breakup with this girl and thus release yourself of this neediness. First off, no matter how you slice it.. it'll probably hurt a little bit at least (mind-wandering is almost impossible to completely obliterrate). Since you read my last post.. I'll spare you the whole mind --> emotions thing. But realize the more time you spend in your MIND, the harder your breakup will be. The more you spend in the present moment the easier it'll be and for that matter any negative thing that can happen to you will have little to no impact emotionally.

I don't have time to sit here and write a 20 page post about how to lose your mind.. but I can recommend some reading - see below. I also suggest isolating yourself for a week or so to help squelch your neediness (turn your cell phone on silent and only check 1-2 times a day around noon and around 9 or whatever suits your situation, only go out socially during the weekend (but do go out to enjoy nature), clean your living areas, bathe for longer periods of time, prepare your own food, eat for longer periods of time, etc..) and absorbing as much of this as possible.

The Way of the Peaceful Warrior - Dan Millmen
Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind - Shunryu Suzuki
Zen Flesh, Zen Bones - collection of zen/pre-zen writings

I would read the first two before moving onto the last one. If you have any questions along the way PM me.. I'd be happy to help you along, as others have helped me along. Good luck and let us know how things go.

For giving me some knowledge...

I got the book, "Way of peaceful warrior" and Im reading it now...

What I am afraid of is the fact that I wouldnt be able to get over her and the emotional memories of the past really kill me in my head... I can cry at times when I think about them and get upset (sad)

Im afraid I wont be able to move on and find another girl...

This I belive is my problem... and if somebody told me ull be over her in 2 months... I would prob do it...

I need help finding that energy inside me to let go....

Im scared...

BTW your PM box is full and does not allow me to send the PM

 

[Emma]

To me it sounds like she could be bipolar. My mother is much the same way; one day she's fun and friendly and awesome to be around; the next she's cold and depressed and everything is your fault. You should have her get evaulated by a mental health professional; bipolar disorder is very serious, and untreated can lead to a lifetime of relationship difficulty and even suicide risks.

 

[Igetit!]

What I am afraid of is the fact that I wouldnt be able to get over her and the emotional memories of the past really kill me in my head... I can cry at times when I think about them and get upset (sad)

At least you're being honest man. I can respect that.

Im afraid I wont be able to move on and find another girl...

This I belive is my problem... and if somebody told me ull be over her in 2 months... I would prob do it..

I kind of figured this was the problem.


It's fear. One way or another,it's ALWAYS fear.


Now that you're being honest,you want to hear something really crazy?




The thing that's preventing you from breaking up with her,and the thing that's causing her to treat you the way she does are THE SAME.



FEAR.



The fear you have inside you keeps you from moving on to a better relationship because you're scared you won't be able to find another woman.



Well,it's that same fear that SHE SENSES IN YOU that causes her to walk over you and mistreat you. She knows you aren't going anywhere,therefore she can yell at you,talk down to you,hang up on you,etc.



Basically,she can do whatever she wants. And why not? It's not like you'll do anything about it. You're scared,remember?



My prediction is that the way things are right now,they'll continue like this for a while until you get blindsided by the news that she's seeing someone else.


I have no evidence to back this up,it's only my opinion.




It's like I said,as long as you put women and sex #1,and people treating you with respect and dignity somewhere else down the line,you'll CONTINUE having these unnecessary problems and issue with women.



Women don't respect men who don't repect themselves.



The first time she yelled at you or direspected you in any other way,you should have told her if she can't treat you with respect,then YOU (not her) are going to leave the relationship....And MEANT IT.



She either would have got in line,or you would have left her.


Either way,you wouldn't be in this mess you're in now.


More than likely,she would have straightened up.



I don't know if you can do this now. She's been mistreating you for so long,for you to try to take a stand now....she probably wouldn't believe you.



For one,she'd UP her disrespectfulness to test you to see if you'd really leave like you said. And if you didn't,then it's be business as usual.



Go ahead and see her like you planned to do tomorrow. Try to work things out if you can,then come back her and let us know what she said.