GF Of 1 1/2 Years Wants To Be A F*ckBuddy Of Some Sort

[stuartSan]

Hey all. Its been a while since I asked about real dating advice, so here we go:

After getting hurt the most (which motivated me to find for answers), I found SoSuave. I finally realised why I was able to attract girls, but not keep them. I hooked up with this girl on the 1st of January 2002. We've been together ever since.

Things were fine all along. We didn't even fight recently. She just called on Monday, and told me she wanted some time off. Of course we all know this line, so I started getting ready for the pain. She went on to tell me that she couldn't tolerate me since I don't treat her good enough (which I've been trying to change lately because I know I wasn't giving her enough attention)

She said she loved me, and that I was her best boyfriend ever, and that she still loves me more than anything in this world, but she doesn't see a happy ending for herself. She said that we're just friends now, but she'd still love and treat me as a boyfriend, which really got me confused because if she's still going to treat me this way, why break up?

She said it takes the pressure off her because when she feels like she's not a girlfriend to me, it wouldn't bother her much. I'm like wtf, so I asked what if I got a new girlfriend. She said it was okay, and it would be too bad for her, for asking for the breakup, if she realises that she still wanted to be with me.

I'm really confused because things was going just fine, and she just surprised me with this. Its hard to adapt now, since I was so used to having her around. I was kinda pissed and I wanted to cut all contact with her, but I'm so confused. It feels like we had a big fight, and we're still together, and her actions make it feel like it, but theoratically we've broken up.

I tell you its hard to stick to the usual mindset like "Forget about her, she disrespected you and blabla" when you're feeling exactly what I'm feeling right now. Everyone here experienced the pain before, I'm sure.. but you won't know it feels exactly unless you're feeling it right now. Hell, I've been dumped a dozen times by women I really 'loved' during my AFC days, and I still didn't think it'd hurt this much till now when I'm re-living it once again. And I even had the cheek to tell one dude who had a relationship of 3 years to forget about his ex.

Now that I'm recovering from the pain, and trying to live life as usual.. I'm kinda stuck in a dilemma. Do I just forget about this relationship, or try to make things work.. which can still be saved with a little effort and AFCness from me (which wouldn't really bother since its an LTR already)? Part of me is still pissed, another part of me wants to meet other girls, while the third part of me still likes my ex a lot. Man it feels so weird and confusing.

Feels like a low blow.

I'm just a little out of focus currently, and can't really decide well in this emotional status. Feedbacks appreciated. Thanks.

 

[Ramin]

Not confusing...

Hey bro. Your situation is not all that confusing. This girl does not trust you with her heart completely right now. What she is saying is that she doesn't want to put all her eggs in one basket (you) anymore. This is because she isn't 100% sure that you will be there for her when she really needs you in the future. She has noticed that you either don't communicate your feelings with her at times or that you don't understand her feelings all that well. She wants a man that has the ability to understand her or at least tries to understand her needs. Dude, if you truly love this girl then what you need to do is tell her that if she thinks you don't understand her you will work on that while you cool things down. Tell her you agree to giving her space and that you will start dating other people even though you still care for her. Tell her that you realize that she has lost some trust in you but that you think she is underestimating how well you can understand her if she helped you learn. She needs to see that you GET THE PROBLEM! I'm not telling you to be AFC and apologize all day. NO WAY! Just be honest and tell her you will respect her wishes and that she needs to realize that you are much more capable than she gives you credit for-- you just lost sight of important things for awhile.

Women sometimes want to be fvck buddies when they are unsure about a guys capability of being a good long term partner. Like I said, she is doubting your long term relationship abilities. This is not a typical DJ situation.

Moreover, this isn't a situation
where you need to blow this girl off and pretend
you don't have any feelings whatsoever. Has this girl mistreated you in the past? Has she been good to you? If she has then don't be a macho prick. Like I've said before, being an alpha male doesn't mean you have to pretend you are an unemotional machine! It means you respect yourself and handle situations rationally. She told you all of this very respectfully, dude. You be respectful also. Just accept your feelings without allowing yourself to knock yourself down because of them. Stay busy and let yourself heal. She obviously still cares a lot about you. See where the situation takes you in the future. Accept that it might not work out and start considering other options. Whatever happens, learn from this! You clearly still need to work on your LTR understanding.

Ramin

 

[Bungo Pony]

Damn, she blew it, didn't she?

She said that we're just friends now, but she'd still love and treat me as a boyfriend,

Sounds like she's trying to move away from you slowly. She's trying not to hurt your feelings, but of course you already know the damage that has been done.

Moving on from a LTR is not easy in the beginning. I've experienced the pain. But here's the question - are you going to let her drag this "heartbreak" on like this? If you do, you'll find yourself not getting over her, and your feelings for her are going to remain for however long she decides to drag it out. If you do remain "friends", she's going to have you right where she wants you. She's going to be the one in control of your feelings by keeping you around.

In my opinion, it's useless to keep her around as a fvckbuddy, especially after dating her for as long as you have. You can't just lower your feelings for a woman just because she suggests it. Personally, I wouldn't think this girl deserves a fvckbuddy relationship. She loves the sex and she doesn't want to eliminate that from her life, but she wants to minimize the time she spends with you. That's not respect. You two are not on the same level if she wants sex with no strings attached, while you want a full blown relationship. It'll only cause you more frustration in the end. The best way to get over this as quickly is to cut all contact with her and force yourself to move on.

If you feel the need to, have an official "goodbye" chat with her. Trust me, it helps you realize that it's the end, and you're on a new path. It tells your mind that it's finished, and the chapter of this book needs to be closed.

I wish you good luck with the way you handle this one.

 

[Ramin]

Not sure about that...

I don't know, Bungo. I think stuart needs to tell us more about how much he ignored her. He admitted that he didn't give her much attention. He definitely shouldn't kiss her butt, and he should slowly start dating again, but I'm curious to know just what the hell was going on in their relationship. It sounds to me like he doesn't communicate all that well with a woman. If so, this might happen again in a new LTR.

Ramin

 

[Bungo Pony]

I think stuart needs to tell us more about how much he ignored her.

I must say, I agree Ramin. However at the point that Stuart's at, I wouldn't suggest trying to figure it out just yet. He needs to somewhat recover from this first, then analyze it. Right now his feelings are scattered which makes things difficult to focus on. Heartbreaks mess things up for a while. It's better to deal with the immediate problem at hand first before trying to figure out what went wrong and preventing it in future situations. Personal repair is done much better when you have a clear head to work with.

 

[echo1212]

One thing I have learnde about women, 99% of the time they will not move on or dump a guy until they have SOMEONE else all but in their hip pocket. My guess is she has either started seeing or at least talking to someone else and that is why she would still like to remain in contact in case something happens, but for now thats all she wants. Women just are too insecure most of the time to dump someone unless another guy is their waiting.

So say this. "Hey, its been great getting to know you, your a cool girl and I enjoyed our time together. I respect your decision and wish you nothing but the best. Take care."

This will either drive her back towards you if she really loves you, or at the very least will give her a newfound respect for you and tells her what a cool guy you are. Trust me Ive done the opposite and it DOESNT work. DO this and you will be fine.

 

[stuartSan]

Well she just called.

I got damn pissed cos she was acting girlfriendly, as usual like nothing happened. I asked her: "So you're treating me like usual now, whats this? Are we friends or what?" She said "We're still friends.. I.. don't know.. I'm confused". I was kinda pissed, I don't know why, I replied "Geez just stop it with this sh*t. Either you're going to be with me or you're not. Its not like there was any real reason of breaking up anyway".

And she was like "I want to be with you.. but.. I need time to think if this relationship would work." I replied "Can't you just talk it out like other normal couples do instead of breaking up? Haven't I been trying to change lately?"

I forgot the rest of the conversation because I kinda snapped.. I don't know why.. I just did. I couldn't accept the fact that someone of one and a half years could just break up without any real logic, or explanation to back it up. All she replies is just "I don't knows" and "I need time", but at the same time dragging this crap.

FYI, we didn't have a communication problem. We didn't fight often (yes, once in a while we do). We were just like a normal couple. Here are examples of what I meant when I typed I didn't give her enough attention:

- Ask her not to talk about what her friends mom did last year.
- Tell her I'd call her back cos I was driving, but end up coming home so late I'd be too tired to call her.
- Ask her to stop tickling me cos its irritating when I'm concentrating on something else (news/reading/driving)
- Reject her offer to go over to her place cos its a 30 minute drive and we'd meet each other the next day/few days when she goes to school anyway (5 min drive from college-my place)
- Tell her I'm not sure if I'd marry her cos c'mon.. I'm only 20.
- ** NOT MY FAULT ** She likes to compare herself to my ex, and the way I put my ex on a pedestal when I was AFC. She always asks why I don't treat her like t hat. I find it hard to explain.
Etc. etc.

My faults were to that context, even though they're not wrong, added together, I think I did at least 2 of these faults a day, enough to make a GF think they're just someone on the side. Gosh I don't even know what I'm typing now.. I'm just so confused.

I told her before that she shouldn't play these games, if she wants a relationship, I'll be better, and if she doesn't want one, just say it. At least I get a definete answer. Don't stay in the middle like this. Perhaps I'll call her when I've cooled down to get things sorted out. No more "give me some time" crap because I don't see any reason why she can't make a decision now. That phrase itself means to break-up.

Gosh I never knew I'd feel this fuct..

Comes to prove that knowing things, doesn't mean you're good at it until you go through it/do it. I used to think "If my GF dumps me, hell.. I can find another chick anytime. It'll be easy.. just move on"

Boy was I wrong. It hurts less though, thanks to my other ex's.

Hope I provided Ramin and Pony with enough info :/.

 

[echo1212]

Dude, first of all, your not listening to us. You prolly just blew any chance you had with her by stating that you will "change". LOL How many times have I heard that statement. You wont change, no one does, you are who you are. The reason you were acting that way towards her before was because yes you liked her, but not enough to do the extra things that you should have been doing. Its not your fault, its just the way you felt deep down about her. If you were really into her you would have done all of those things and not givin it a second thought. Maybe that was your way of keeping distance between you both so you wouldnt have to get too serious, lots of people are like that, who knows.

Also, and trust me this is from personal experience, you are not missing HER. YOu think you are but your not. You obviously have a problem with breaking up, seems like every time you do you feel this way. My brother is the exact same way. He wont even like a girl but if they break up, all of a sudden shes his true lost long love. Then hell get over it and realize how stupid that was. What your missing is the idea of her, the comfort in knowing she is there for you. The idea of having a girlfriend. But your really NOT missing her specifically. Now that you have gone off on her and said you will change etc. youve dug yourself a deeeeep hole. All you can do is wait a few days, send her the email that I wrote before, be the better man, and do not contact her. It is your only shot for self respect and whatever remote chance you have to get her back. But beleive me when i say this, this girl has some other guy she s talking too, I can tell by her I need time and other junk talk, this is all ******** for letting you down easy. So, do what I said, let her do what she must, but be a man about it and i will almost gaurantee that someday she will be calling to get back together, but whether you do is up to you. I have been through this EXACT same scenario dude, learn from me.

 

[Bungo Pony]

From the points you made of "not giving her enough attention", I don't think you're doing anything wrong there. There is ONE problem I do see however:

I told her before that she shouldn't play these games, if she wants a relationship, I'll be better, and if she doesn't want one, just say it. At least I get a definete answer

This is one thing I never agreed with in the DJ Bible. Having her ask to be exclusive. Personally, I think that determines who has the upper hand in the relationship. I believe the male should make a statement: "I would like to have a relationship with you." It should be treated like asking for a date.

The way you're handling this right now is telling me that you don't have total control of this relationship, otherwise you'd be doing the dumping:

"So you're treating me like usual now, whats this? Are we friends or what?"

You've just put the entire fate of the relationship in a woman's hands. I know it's difficult as hell to control when your emotions are flying like a pack of seagulls waiting to 5hit on a luxury car. She can obviously tell you're hurting, but with all the power in her hands, she keeps trying not to hurt your feelings:

She said "We're still friends.. I.. don't know.. I'm confused"

Typical female response at the end of a relationship. It's definately over.

I told her before that she shouldn't play these games, if she wants a relationship, I'll be better, and if she doesn't want one, just say it. At least I get a definete answer. Don't stay in the middle like this.

I think I found your problem: if she was playing games, was she truly good relationship material?

. Perhaps I'll call her when I've cooled down to get things sorted out. No more "give me some time" crap because I don't see any reason why she can't make a decision now.

She's made her decision. You stated it yourself:

That phrase itself means to break-up.

Women are never clear as a window when it comes to talking about relationship issues, especially if they're breaking up.

Stuart, as the man, you're the one who has to make the decisions now. Are you going to let her string you along for a while, or are you going to put this relationship to bed since there is no hope in patching it up?

 

[stuartSan]

You know, I actually read echo's reply before posting mine, and called her after I posted my message.. so I didn't read echo's second post, and I did tell her what echo suggested me to, now I log-in back and he's ranting about how I didn't follow his advice. Heh.

So anyways, after I said that, she cried and said "Thank you". I'm like "Uhh.. for?" She replied "For understanding. You're so sweet." Then I got a little "wtf" but I decided to just let it go. "Yeah, perhaps I do. So see you and take care."

Now Pony, she's so GF material even my mom misses her. She really did lots for me. Too late to regret now. Guess I'll have to learn from my mistakes, because before SoSuave, I've never had a chick treat me this well, and with all the Suave powertrip I had.. well.. even 1 and a half years didn't make me realise how good she was until we've broke up.

So I just packed her stuff and she'll be collecting it a few days later. Thats it I guess.

 

[echo1212]

You did the right thing then. keep cool, be a man and a DJ, and if she really cares shell be back if you want her. But, Ill stick by my premise-there is someone else in the picture.

 

[JohnJones]

I am interested in hearing about the level of attention issue. Were you intentionally not giving attention (i.e., being a challenge)? Since this was an established LTR, is this just that she wants you around more, or to be more verbal.

A senior poster here recently indicated that his issue was that he was not showing enough affection in general.

A girl that I have a somewhat tortured relationship with has asked me "what are your feelings for me" and recently indicated that one of my problems is "acting indifferent" when she believes the truth is otherwise, or that she would like to hear "verbal confirmation" of my thoughts.

 

[Bungo Pony]

So you told her the following:

"Hey, its been great getting to know you, your a cool girl and I enjoyed our time together. I respect your decision and wish you nothing but the best. Take care."

Personally, I would have said "goodbye" instead of "take care". I must say Echo, you're pretty good at speaking ******** . That's why Stuart got this response:

So anyways, after I said that, she cried and said "Thank you". I'm like "Uhh.. for?" She replied "For understanding. You're so sweet." Then I got a little "wtf" but I decided to just let it go. "Yeah, perhaps I do. So see you and take care."

I'm just hoping she didn't get the wrong message from that.

Now for something interesting you brought up:

even 1 and a half years didn't make me realise how good she was until we've broke up.

Yeah, the old saying "Dont know what you've got till it's gone". However, this statement doesn't actually say if "it" is a good thing or a bad thing.

Well Stuart, you are now single again. Time to get onto a new road, get some new experiences, and have some fun!

 

[Bungo Pony]

A girl that I have a somewhat tortured relationship with has asked me "what are your feelings for me" and recently indicated that one of my problems is "acting indifferent" when she believes the truth is otherwise, or that she would like to hear "verbal confirmation" of my thoughts.

I hate it when women ask that question. What I do to avoid it is tell her how I feel when she doesn't totally expect it. A bit of unpredictability in this area works quite well. You also really have to pay attention to her actions to see if she needs to hear something verbally, because women actually do need to hear it sometimes.

 

[stuartSan]

JohnJones,

Well, not showing her too many signs of interest became a BAD habit. Yes there is a balance. I overdid it I guess. She asked me before what I'd do if we broke up. I said "Well too bad then".

I've realised that women, no matter how pretty they are, want to feel loved and attractive. Just in different ways compared to AFCs. The challenge thing does get old. I was doing it subconsciously because I didn't exactly know where the limit was, and that attitude was already embedded into me. Well now I do.

Thanks Pony for pointing where the bright side is. I guess its time to recover and start having some fun.

 

[JohnJones]

The balance is a tough issue for me.

At some point, the freshman DJ practices defensive "challenge" and is, as in my case, too concerned with giving away too much that the fun is overlooked and the strategy backfires (the girl wants more and doesn't get it so she has to back off).

In any event, sorry that it didn't play out 100% as desired.

 

[Bungo Pony]

Challenge can still exist in a LTR, it just has to be applied differently. Women like to think they've got you figured out. Every once in a while, it's good to throw a slight curveball to throw them off a tad.

Challenge actually evolves into unpredictability. An occasional "no" where you usually say "yes" is unpredictable. It keeps the relationship interesting. Predictability in a relationship is boring.

A good example is being able to turn down sex every once in a while. After a woman beds you a few times, she thinks she's got you wrapped around her finger since you are bangin' her. However, if you turn down sex once in a while, she'll know that she still hasn't got you wrapped around her fingers and she can't definately say if you're going to bang her or not.

Unpredictability builds up to a bit of suspense. Challenge does the same thing.

 

[gr8one]

hey i feel your situation man,

it never feels good when you realize you blew it.

I've blown a good thing MANY times...lol

It took 6 times for me to learn my mistakes. I guess that's just a part of playing the game.

you'll be alright.

 

[Ramin]

Good job Stuart...

Stuart, I'm curious to see how she will react now that you are backing off-- assuming you continue to do this--which you definitely should. One thing is clear; she doesn't trust you completely. NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT. The fact that she doesn't completely trust you has played a big part in all of this stuff. In a way this is great news, Stuart. It means that there is an obvious reason why this hasn't worked out. It's obvious that she didn't reject you because she thinks you are ugly, or your body is deformed, or because she thinks she is too beautiful and successful for you. Something about the way you emotionally interacted with her made her feel like you were not someone she could trust spending her life with. All you have to do is balance out your DJ skills with a willingness to make a woman feel special and loved and then you will be able to keep healthy relationship with a good woman in the future.

Keep working on the balancing act. You are in a much better place than an AFC. I'm still not entirely convinced that she won't want you back. Just focus on other women for now if you can.

Ramin

 

[Harmzuay]

Hey stuart

I'm a fairly new poster here, and so far, I've posted nothing of interest, but I can really relate to your dilemma. I was also in a relationship for about the same amount of time you were (2yrs), and I also thought she was great. When she decided she wanted some "Space" she complained about me not paying attention to her (bullsh!t) and I never did anything for her (bullsh!t again).
She wanted to do the "friends" thing afterwards too, but it just turned out into a b!tchfest about how the guy she was after wouldnt give her the time of day. So I told her to never mention it again. She didnt, but she kept bugging me looking for an emotional tampon, and as a busted down AFC, I just sat there and "listened" (actually, I would usually be playing video games and only lending half an ear. What the hell did I care what her problems were, she was the one who made the decision that I wasn't good enough to share in those problems in breaking up with me.) And I put up with it for too long.
Eventually she moved on to another guy. And started complaining about him to me. This went on for awhile, and then I came across this site, and after going thru the information contained here, I decided that 1st thing I had to do was get rid of her.

So thats what I did.

I went over, said goodbye to our puppy (I had just gotten her a puppy for her birthday about 2 weeks before she decided to flake on me), and told her not to bother calling me again until she was moving out and I could get back some furniture in her place that was mine (I'm a college student, and as such, I have tons of junk couches. The ones she has are my best ones). That was when things started to turn back around for me. I'm doing better in school again, I'm meeting new people, I'm trying to meet new women, and I'm getting along with things once again.

So what I'm trying to say is, I agree with Echo1212. She flaked on you because she IS confused about you. But Its not because of anything you probably did. It's because she has someone else in mind and thinks he might be better.

Chicks dont bail on guys usually for reasons like "I'm unsure about him". They do so because they have a bigger better deal on the stove. Once it gets warmed up enough, they ditch you but want to keep you around in case it's not as good as they were hoping.

All in all, its a sinking ship. Get out while you still can with some dignity attached. Don't let her string you along. This has happened to me twice already. Both relationships were over a year in length. It hurts, it sucks, and it shouldn't happen to anyone. Problem is, it does. What you need to do from here out is get on with life. Get in touch with your friends and go out. You don't need to go and try and start picking up the ladies right away. Just get out and on with things.

Uh.. thats about it. wow...long dull post. sorry, heh.

Harmzuay