gf hanging out with other guys

[JLW]

What should I think of my girlfriend hanging out with other guys, sometimes even getting drunk with them?

Should I say something and ask her to stop? It's highly unlikely that she would cheat because she likes me a whole lot. But I don't necessarily trust the guy, possibly getting her ass wasted and doing god knows what.

I was thinking I would just be like, "(insert gf's name here), it makes me uncomfortable when you drink around other guys when you're not with any of your girl friends, and you're just alone with them."

Do you think that's a reasonable request?

Also, for some reason, I am really insecure when it comes to her hanging out with other guys. When she's in a group its fine, but when shes with a bunch of guys I just get uneasy. Should I do/say something, or am I just being paranoid?

Seriously, I don't know why, but it just really bothers me. I always keep thinking that the guy will somehow take advantage of her or something.

 

[MacDiddy]

You need to weasel this request.. tell her a story about how disrespectful it is for a girl to do that when she has a boyfriend...
ie. you are not referencing yourself and her. Just talking about the wider social rights and wrongs and letter her work out the rest.

ps. yes you are insecure.. but thats to be expected... your GF is only another drink away from shagging the next guy she lands on.

 

[KontrollerX]

Well I'm of the view you can't really change people they have to want to change themselves so I typically drop chicks like this immediately if I find out that this is what they're into as I've found from experience that asking them to stop usually doesn't work or even if they do for a while it doesn't last.

So if I were you I would consider how uncomfortable this chick is making me feel and if the discomfort was greater than the happiness she gives me then it'd be a NEXT situation.

Of course if the chick really meant a lot to me I'd talk to her first about it and lay out my concerns and if I really meant a lot to her she'd stop doing the sh!t that makes me so uncomfortable but if drinking with a bunch of horny guys who are definitely going to use that as an opportunity to screw her if it comes is more important to her than addressing my concerns and either stopping that behaviour altogether or severely toning it down well then I've just dodged a bullet and gotten rid of a selfish woman and one who didn't really care about me anyway.

It amazes me sometimes to read about what guys here will put up with from a chick that is doing things that are harmful to them or fvcking with their mind just to keep that one girl.

Its like a lot of the DJ's here don't believe they deserve the absolute best so will settle for a chick that makes them feel distrust and uncomfortable most of the time ie "you guys think she might cheat on me/is cheating on me/etc?"

Seriously guys aim higher than this.

I'm not saying shoot for perfection as that doesn't exist but for god's sake only try to stick it out with a woman that you inherently feel is trustworthy because short of that to be with any other kind of chick will just tear your heart out and give you unneeded stress.

 

[JLW]

Interesting thought. Thanks Kontroller.

 

[JLW]

By the way, we've been going out for about 6 months now. I really do care about her so I guess I'll just bite the bullet and express my concerns.

She has shown absolutely no signs of cheating so far, but who knows. She really, really likes me a lot. But I don't want her to be more stress than she's worth. And right now, I am REALLY stressing over this to the point where it's unreasonable. I gotta talk to her. If she doesn't agree to my terms I guess I'll just have to break up with her.

 

[The Truth]

She shouldn't be doing this as it's disrespectful to you. In a new relationship I always respond to things like this by doing the same. So if she hangs round with guys, I go and hang round with girls. On top of that I drop out past incidents of making out with these girls or something to keep her on her toes.

It's too soon to have any serious talks with her and getting all posessive so I treat it like a training stage where you get used to each others relationship rules. Let her know if she does something you don't like you will do the same, until she stops doing it.

After 6 months surely you can talk to her. She might come back with the "They're only friends" so you need to paint a mental picture for her. Ask her, "How would you feel if you saw me with a female friend? We are both laughing and getting drunk together." You might also add something "Let's say I get too drunk to get home and end up staying at her place?" and go through your concerns with her in this way letting her picture you in those worst case scenarios.

I tried a similar thing on my girlfriend after she asked if it would bother me if she went to lunch with a male friend as I wanted her to understand why it would bother me. As I was talking, she was going red and getting quite worked up but she did understand.

 

[JLW]

Okay The Truth, Thanks a ton. I'll keep that in mind.

Anyone else have feedback/input?

She was online just a little while ago and I expressed my concerns but not really in detail. She had to go to her soccer game so the conversation was cut short. I'm going to talk with her in person today.

I'll use your techniques, TT.

 

[JLW]

Oh, something interesting. When I was talking to her online, I asked her what she did, and she says she drank with a few of her guy friends. Right after that she says, "Don't worry I was good".

Now I don't know if she already knew I felt uncomfortable about this and was trying to reassure me, or she's just lying and trying to use that as a cover-up for what really happened.

I really am considering ending this relationship.

 

[flexion_]

Well she probably isn't going to change for you and you can't make people change. In her mind hanging out with her guy friends is more important than your concerns.

Women are great at reading subtle clues so she probably already knows this bothers you. Maybe its time to get out of the relationship - her behaviour is fine when you are just dating people but not when you are in a committed LTR.

 

[oneboy21]

JLW

i think the girl is taking advantage of your insecurity, i request you to just go out and meet some more girls and hang out in front of her.

 

[MacAvoy]

There is no doubt what to do about this situation. Walk away like a man with your pride. Tell her that you understand she is still young and has the need for self-gratification. Let her know that you have no need for someone in your life that needs gratification from other men to satisfy her needs.

Let her know that you've enjoyed her company and that if she decides that she is ready to be in a two way respectful relationship then to give you a call.

The most important thing at this point is not to get into a name calling contest with her. She is going to be upset and throw a fit. Whatever you do, don't get sucked in. Walk away very calmly.

I've got ten bux that says if you do, you'll have her eating out of your hands afterwards if you want. If you just walk away, she'll be thinking about you for years to come wondering .... what if ....

 

[JLW]

I really don't want to have to break up with her if I can avoid it but do I really have any other choice?

By the way, I have never objected to her drinking with other guys. So I mean it's not like I ever warned her before. I really don't know what I should do.

This is the only girl that I've truly loved and I don't really want to break up with her. But I guess I have no choice. I'm going to be single for a long time (out of choice)


Do you think I should give her another chance considering it's her first offense, and I never actually objected to it?

I don't really want to break up with her but you're all saying it's the best thing.

Maybe I just have oneitis. Maybe breaking up with her is the best thing. But we love eachother so much.

I know that I am just repeating myself and editing this post like 5 times, but the same thing keeps going through my head: "She pisses me off to no end sometimes, but other times I really like her." **** what do I do.

 

[mountain]

JLW, there's no reason to break this off man. It's about enjoying your time with her. You aren't a punk for staying with her, just drop the subject of her hanging with other guys from conversation with her... and if you can from your own mind.

You aren't seeing more than one girl right now, are you? Thats the root of the problem, it makes it easy to become infatuated with one girl. we've all been there. get the infatuation under control and play it cool.

If you stop mentioning it, i'd be willing to bet she will wonder what the **** happen and how come you don't care about it. she'll initially try to rub it in your face more, but then chase your ass hard. we follow that which runs from us.

The only reason to hang out with a woman is for the sheer enjoyment of it. Remember that, its not about controlling her or any of this other horse****.

 

[KontrollerX]

"I know that I am just repeating myself and editing this post like 5 times, but the same thing keeps going through my head: "She pisses me off to no end sometimes, but other times I really like her." **** what do I do."

When the discomfort becomes greater than the happiness she brings then end it.

In your situation that sounds like what would best put your mind at ease since you have such strong feelings for this girl and can't end it outright at the moment without massively regretting it.

So yeah I say let her p!ss you off some more and then it should be easier for you to let her go and as the other guys said she will then very likely come crawling back and be willing to do things on your terms.

Just remember that when and if you do decide to end it at some point to do like one of the other posters said and don't burn your bridge by letting her have it when you go to break up with her. Be a gentleman about it and go through that whole when you're ready to have a respectful relationship thing let me know etc.

 

[Man Of Adventure]

I can agree with most of what youre saying. Your happiness really is the most important thing in your life. You know JLW, I just got out of a relationship because she kept doing things to piss me off like flake out, and be a complete prude. Shes a great girl...but I was never quite satisfied sexually, so I left her. If she pisses you off like how this girl frustrated me...then that is definite means to leave and find somebody that will give you the feelings you want....or somebodies if you really want to be ambitious. Never be ashamed of going out and getting what you want

"I know that I am just repeating myself and editing this post like 5 times, but the same thing keeps going through my head: "She pisses me off to no end sometimes, but other times I really like her." **** what do I do."

When the discomfort becomes greater than the happiness she brings then end it.

In your situation that sounds like what would best put your mind at ease since you have such strong feelings for this girl and can't end it outright at the moment without massively regretting it.

So yeah I say let her p!ss you off some more and then it should be easier for you to let her go and as the other guys said she will then very likely come crawling back and be willing to do things on your terms.

Just remember that when and if you do decide to end it at some point to do like one of the other posters said and don't burn your bridge by letting her have it when you go to break up with her. Be a gentleman about it and go through that whole when you're ready to have a respectful relationship thing let me know etc.

 

[mountain]

While i can see the point in what KontrollerX and Man of Adventure are saying about leaving, I think that it's avoiding the main issues here.

First, You will come off as INCREDIBLY insecure telling this girl not to hang out with other guys.

Second, what right have you got to tell her not to hang out with other guys? I assume you are both in your early twenties or even late teens. If so, she can do whatever the hell she wants. If she wants to date other guys, so be it. A gang bang? her choice. Same goes for you... you should do what you want.

Do you find clingy jelousy to be attractive? Neither does she. BUT it will stroke her ego to see you squirm.

Maybe the best advice is to move on, unless you can get yourself under control.

 

[JLW]

Well here's the thing.

I have absolutely NO problem with her hanging out with other guys. I encourage it. That's perfectly cool.

It's just that the guys she hangs out with are the type of kids that would take advantage of girls in a heartbeat.

I just don't really feel secure when she is DRINKING with other guys, completely alone, and none of her friends that are girls are around to stop her from cheating in her drunken stupor. I would even feel perfectly fine if she drank with guys, as long as one of her close/trustworthy friends were around to sort of keep her from doing something she would later regret.

She brings WAY more happiness than sadness in my life. I really don't think it's necessary to break up with her over this.

But I mean come on - hanging out with 5 guys and getting drunk with them? I mean I'm pretty secure with myself and everything, but not THAT secure.

 

[MacAvoy]

I guarantee this women will screw you over in the end. I'd be willing to bet the farm on it.

 

[JLW]

MacAvoy, I don't think you understand how much this girl really likes me.

If she does screw me over, so be it. I'll get over it.

 

[mountain]

JLW, Macavoy is on the right idea here. You're getting too drawn in. Check my old posts, had a girl tell me a month ago things like "i am SO into you" "you are such a man" only for her to stop talking to me. Women change their mind quickly. I'll repeat it because its the truth: Enjoy your time with a woman, nothing more, they arent going to hang around forever.