GF hanging out/talking with Ex...

[shock]

My GF and I have been dating 8 months now. Out of nowhere one day her ex (Joe) calls her up, and seemingly waltz's back into her life. At first it was very casual, a phone call a month. he would ask her to get coffee, and she'd be really hesitant to, and not go. Her friends were also hesitant about it, advising her she is with me now, and Joe was bad news. At this point I didn't say anything about it. Here's some background info on Joe:

Total druggy.. (carries, deals, etc.)
Had heavy influence on her drug use when they dated. (she's clean now)
He treated her like sh*t
Her parents despise him, and really would rather her not see him at all.

In the last month, thier friendship has increased. They got coffee, and talk once a week now, if not more. He has invited her to parties, and Raves...yes raves. She has yet to go to one of these, but not by choice, she's very busy with work and she can't usually go out due to schedule conflicts.

The rave thing really got me.. she kinda threw it in my face. Her: "Joe invited me to a rave friday..but I didn't think you'd be too happy about that."

So I asked her, if she'd be ever go to one of these parties with him. She said yes, if she had time, and probably this summer she would. At this point, I decided something needed to be said.

I asked her to talk, and simply stated I wouldn't be 100% comftorable with her going to a party, or rave, or a drug/drinking enviroment that could ultimately wind up in a bad situation. I reassured her over and over I was not trying to control her, or give her an ultimatum in any way, but i was simply stating my discomfort and wanted to reach a compromise. She replied, mad "Sorry your uncomftorable, there's nothing i can do". She then turned it around on me, and said i couldn't trust her. That argument ended with me with my tail between my legs, and trying to assure her I could trust her.

No conclusion has been reached. i do trust her, but not him. Based on his background, I feel justified in having a "bit" of a problem with it. She has made herself unapproachable, and it's obvious she will not talk to me calmly about it. If I were in the same situation, i would strive to atleast make her feel somewhat better, by reaching a compromise of some sort. How do i handle this? I'm okay with her seeing him, but just not in certain situations.

 

[DJDamage]

She replied, mad "Sorry your uncomftorable, there's nothing i can do". She then turned it around on me, and said i couldn't trust her. That argument ended with me with my tail between my legs, and trying to assure her I could trust her.

That is bad.

This girl is choosing to see this guy while knowing you are feeling uncomfortable about it. It seems that she is putting this guy ahead of the relationship. This is not a good sign.

I knew girls that wouldn't even dream of going to see their ex if it made their boyfriend upset. However they probably wouldn't even think of seeing the ex in the first place because they were so much into their man.

The fact remains is that your girl is not as in love with you as you might have believe and she does not fear of losing you to another woman or fear of being dumped due to bad behaviour. Those two componants are vital & essential in any healthy relationship and are seems to be lacking in yours. Its just a matter of time........... Its up to you to decide what coarse of action to take but sitting down and doing nothing while she sees her ex should not be an option.

DJD

 

[speedo_meme]

1) She shouldn't hang around with her ex, or even want to.

2) She's trying to make you the bad guy.

3) She knows she can get away with anything because you're AFC. Listen to yourself, man. You said "I'm okay with her seeing him". No fukkin way in hades am I ok with that.

4) She does not respect you.

5) Why do you want a "clean" ex-druggy? This girl is a disrespectful classless b1tch, she knows it, and is using you.

This is what you do. Go to her and say "Make a decision. It's me or the ex boyfriend." If she chooses you, good. If she hesitates or chooses him, you walk away. It IS that simple. Don't do this to yourself. For God's sake have some respect for YOURSELF. I've been in your position and NO GIRL is worth you feeling like this all the time. Read the next line carefully:

DO NOT LET HER TURN YOU INTO THE BAD GUY. SHE IS IN THE WRONG.

Stop living in denial. You're naive and stupid if you think something's not going on.

 

[logicallefty]

I was in a situation like this early in my current relationship. The GF said her and the ex who lives in another state were "just friends", and that she might go see him some weekend. Of course, I did not like this.

But the way I handled it was:

Me: "OK, well, go see him if you must, I wont tell you you CAN'T because I don't own you. However, what I will tell you is that IF you go, then the entire time you are gone, I do NOT promise to be good. I find somebody during that time you are gone that I would like to sleep with, make out with, whatever, I will. Because I think if you go see him you wont be good, no matter what you say. And I believe in fair play. "

GF, a little upset and VERY shocked, said : "I dont want all this trouble, I WONT go see him!"

Hasnt mentoned it again...

 

[shock]

Ok I think I have the general opinion of everyone, but it the question does remain....Could this possibly be a legitimate friendship? I am friends with one of my ex's, we get along well. I'd hate to give her that ultimatum over something that could very well be completely trivial on my part. What you guys think?

 

[speedo_meme]

YOU have to decide how much you're willing to put up with. YOU set the line. If she crosses it, she's history.

In my opinion, she's on the line right now. I do not tolerate disrespect. And regardless of what is said, it is NOT being AFC if you give her an ultimatum and you're willing to walk away if she doesn't live up to the terms. There's nothing more chump-esque than not carrying out a threat.

 

[smoke city]

man, shock the truth is you can't trust HER. she is behaving in a way that makes you uncomfortable, and she knows it -- for what? purely for her own selfish motives [probably because "Joe" is offering her drugs]
THERE IS something she could do. She could stop seeing him. period.

she's disrespecting you.

don't wait. kick her to the curb. NOW.

 

[Friendly Otter]

Her ex is a drug dealer, and you're wondering what to do? Have you taken leave of your senses? Is society now in such a state that you even have to ask about this?

What's the number one thing junkies do with people they know? They try to drag them down too. They want company. And he even deals in drugs. And she is an ex-junkie.

Shock, you know exactly what to do.

 

[crazyquicks]

I reassured her over and over I was not trying to control her, or give her an ultimatum in any way, but i was simply stating my discomfort and wanted to reach a compromise.

Listen man I went through the same exact thing with my girl about a month ago. Just like u and ur girl we have been together for 8 months.

Alright heres what u need to do....STOP BEING AN AFC!!! Trust me on this. You told her u dont want it to seem like your giving ur an ultimatum but thats exactly what u need to do because your not comfortable with her chillin with him! She should understand that and give you some respect. Tell her like it is man its either you or her EX. And if she chooses her EX then just ignore the *****.

You have a right to be mad. She wants to go to a rave with her EX! i would flip. Once she gets a few drinks in her system who knows what shes going to do. If she cared about your relationship she wouldnt even put herself in that situation.

Good luck!

 

[Abcd]

This one's rather easy, irrespective of the relationship issues - if she's an ex-junkie, she shouldn't be hanging out with drug dealers at raves. It's really her problem, not yours. You know this kind of stuff can't end well for her.

The next time she brings it up, I wouldn't even look up from what you're doing. Just act nonchalant, but when she begs the question (and she will, because 90% of this is her testing you) just mumble that you thought about it and realized you don't care all THAT much. This may take care of it, but if it doesn't and she brings it up again, just act like you don't care, and perhaps mention something about how you don't think it's a good idea considering the drugs issue, but that it's really none of your business.

Just act distant over this situation. She's really being driven by the attention that you give her for it. You just want to play it cool. No sense getting worked up over such an immature decision on her part anyway. If you don't give her the attention she's after, my guess is she'll do the sane thing and leave the jerk alone.

 

[tihash]

Speedo_meme is spot on.

Shock asked if this could be a legit friendship... I say no because it has *changed* in the last few months. If she hung with the ex when you met her, that is different. Here, SHE is the one changing. She let him back in. That is bullshyt.

What I tell my LTR when I don't like something: You can do what you want. I am not going to tell you what to do. But that doesn't mean I am ok with it.

The hint is you can do whatever, but I might dump you for it.

Haven't had to use that in a while, but that style is what got her to quit smoking for me 3 weeks into the relationship.

 

[flexion_]

This whole situation seems pretty messed up. Listen, it looks like she has decided that hanging with her ex-BF is important to her. She has decided - so should you be deciding on the value of this relationship and act accordingly.