GF can't budget a dollar in a dime store

[logicallefty]

GF is 41. Overall things have been going from good to very good most of the time. We have been together for two years and from day 1 she has struggled with money. I have loaned her close to $4000.00 in the two years we have been together and she has paid it back in 100% full, but it's usually when she gets her tax return money early in the year.

Right now and for the last 3 months her ex hubby is saying he is struggling and can't pay his child support. I respect that to a point, even though I have paid my child support every month for the past 10 years and never missed a day or been a day late. The problem is the ex won't produce any paperwork proving it. She just "take his word for it". ANd we have caught him lieing to us on other stuff before.

Her car payment is due in a few days and she is putting the pressure on me to loan her the money for it. I told her I want to see some paperwork from the ex about his financial situation, as I have said other months when he didn't pay, but I have yet to see any.

Yeah, I have the money in savings.. And I know she will pay it back. But I really don't want to pay her car payment again. I am tired of bailing her out. I want her to learn not to budget and save so when this happens she will have savings to work with like I do. I have seen her go to the store and blow $70.00 on junk that she just brings home and stashes in the corner never to be touched again.. Or give her 19 year old son $50.00 when he won't go get a job. I want her behavior with money to change.

Any suggestions on what I do, do I pay it one more time or hold my ground and say "NO, go find another way".. Which is what I did earlier when we had a big fight about it.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Lefty,
Don't give her a brass razoo....and don't apologise....might not be left wing,but sure as Hades Gates it's logical!

 

[logicallefty]

Dear Lefty,
Don't give her a brass razoo....and don't apologise....might not be left wing,but sure as Hades Gates it's logical!

Thank you lol Just to clarify the lefty means left handed, not left liberal. Politically I am very far right. The logical part, yeah, that explains itself. I really do appreciate your input Sir.

 

[SgtSplacker]

I dunno man, women need help sometimes and if it gets paid back it's less of a problem. I mean a man is supposed to provide right?

I get your point too, you not a farking ATM.

I would only loan money to an LTR that has proven to be there for me. Some girl I met a couple months ago gets nothing.

Personally if she was keeping up with all her duties and being a good girl I would help her pay for stuff because she is playing by my rules making me happy.

But if for example she is not putting out, or spending time with friends alot I may not do anything for her and let things fade away...

You also have to consider your financial standing. If you're making good money it's less of a big deal. If you are tight then she should not be getting your already strained savings.

And you know how this loan stuff always works out. That last loan is never paid back. And it always seems to be the highest balance too...

 

[speed dawg]

You shouldn't be dealing with this sh*t unless you are married to her. I know, I know, it's not reality but uh, yes it is. And you should be screening folks regarding marriage before you decide to do it.

Looks like you're both divorcees with kids. That mistake aside, I can't really blame you for going after another person in a similar situation as you. In the end, you have to accept sh*t the way it is or cut her loose. She's not changing, she's bad with money, her ex is not going to pay support. These are facts. Now you decide whether you can deal with it. I personally would not loan her anything, but I've never been in that situation with the divorces everywhere and what not. F*ck that noise, if I ever DID get divorced I'm staying single at least until my kids are grown. I'd be f*cking all kinds of women, just not in front of them.

You guys are so eager to jump back into a relationship, and most times it is VERY similar to the one you just left through legal means.

 

[Desdinova]

I want her behavior with money to change.

I wanted my ex-wife's behavior with money to change as well. It didn't. It got worse.

Ever date a fat girl who says "I'm working on losing weight"? She never loses the fvcking weight. They also never change their spending habits. Whatever qualities you get with the woman you're dating have a 90% chance of staying with them until they die. If she's a wh0re at age 20, she'll be a wh0re at age 40. If she's a money-waster at age 41, she'll be a money-waster at age 61. VERY FEW women have the ability to do true self-improvement, and at age 41, she's pretty set in her ways. You can't teach an old bag new tricks.

 

[Atom Smasher]

She won't change because she can't.

If she has character she will submit to your working out a very simple budget for the big things like car payments and such. Make it super-simple. If she is defensive and non-cooperative about this, then matters will only get worse, which is ok because this must come to resolution one way or the other.

 

[Tictac]

When you stop enabling her, she will either learn or leave.

Your choice.

 

[Kailex]

I was with someone for 6+ years. For 6+ years I wanted her to get better with money. Whenever her paycheck rolled around, she'd be right back down to $0 and I had to pay for a lot of our outings. I thought her being around me and learning from me would help. It didn't. I was part of the problem. I enabled the behavior and thought she wanted to learn.

I was wrong. Absolutely wrong. My last lesson was when she planned a trip to the Dominican Republic and booked it counting on tax return money. Lo and behold, her tax return was garnished because of an outstanding federal loan she had "forgotten" about. She still went. She just borrowed money from another family member.

We were together for about 2 more weeks.

It won't change. Be grateful she is paying you back now, but trust me, at some point that will stop. The "what's yours is mine" mentality will kick in once she is comfortable and her tax return won't be yours anymore.

If you want her to change, you might need to change who you are with. Because if she won't get the money from you, she might get it from somewhere else. She's in her 40's, she won't be learning at this point.

 

[logicallefty]

Thanks for the feedback everybody. She is really p####ng me off on this now. Her story on the child support was/is that her ex doesn't have the funds. So my reply is "where is the paperwork on that?". I'm a very "let's see the paperwork" kind of guy. So last night out of the blue she tells me that her 12 yo son has something to tell me. ANd he says "Mike, my dad really is short on cash right now. I heard him talking about it". My gut says she is putting the kid up to lie to me, hoping that I will sympothise and give her the cash. My reply to the kid was "I am sorry to hear about that for your dad".. Then I privately said to her without him hearing "Good thing his money problems aren't mine, even though there are people who would like them to be", and I left the room and went to bed.. That may have been too harsh, but I'm sick of it. Sticking to my guns on this one for now. Like Tictac said, "she will learn or leave".

 

[logicallefty]

Good man, keep us posted on how this turns out.

Thank you Sir, I will.

 

[MOTU]

Lefty, congrats on sticking to your guns and not allowing yourself to be manipulated. And congrats on being polite to the kid and addressing mom privately. That shows character as well. Repped.

 

[Weezzyy]

What the hell is all this advice..? I'll give my opinion.

It seems you live together,it seems she has always payed you back, and it seems you like her as seeing you've been dating for a while.. She is divorced and tight on cash and asks for help on something she must pay, and its not like she is asking to buy a dress. I don't see the problem in giving it, as long as you make it clear this behaviour won't be tolerated again. I mean damn, you can't help her, even tho she always pays back? I would help a friend for free without asking him to pay me back and you cant give your gf help and make her life more difficult by acting this way, and then even questioning the movites of a 12 year old boy? Man this is not healthy.

If you can give it, be a good man and loan it to her, if you can't, then don't.
If you want to change her, probably better not to as it is difficult, so either accept it or be coldhearted and leave her be.

 

[VladPatton]

Your best defense is saying you don't have it. You just don't. What is she gonna do, ask for your bank statement? She is dragging you into the problems of her last failed marriage. Situation just sucks balls, man, I feel for you. Keep us posted.

 

[logicallefty]

Unfortunately she already knows I have it because I have told her so. I guess I could always tell her I went to the casino last night and lost my a##!

An update: last night she started in on the "you are selfish, you don't love me, you don't appreciate anything I do for you, you love seeing me struggle, bla bla bla bla bla.". She called me lazy and a whole bunch of crap. Granted she works 15-20 hours a week and I work 40+. That really flipped my switch. I said "Just FYI, I am not Obama and you aren't a car company. You need to figure out other ways besides bailouts". I was starting to weaken and pondering over givign her the money but after her attitude last night she can go f*** herself. I'm going out of town tonight and can't wait to get away for a few days.

 

[Kailex]

What the hell is all this advice..? I'll give my opinion.

It's the advice of many that have been through similar situations, and it seemed pretty sound to me.

It seems you live together,it seems she has always payed you back,

For now... with her tax return money.

...and it seems you like her as seeing you've been dating for a while.. She is divorced and tight on cash and asks for help on something she must pay, and its not like she is asking to buy a dress. I don't see the problem in giving it, as long as you make it clear this behaviour won't be tolerated again.

So you are basically saying... loan it one more time but with an ultimatum. Essentially what mostly everyone has been saying or hinting at... one way or another.

I mean damn, you can't help her, even tho she always pays back?

You are by FAR missing the point of what is going on.

#1: It's the principle of the matter. It's not the point that she can repay, it's that she KEEPS asking.

#2: The fact that she can ask wholeheartedly like that consistently is worrying over the long-term.

#3: She uses her tax return to pay him back, so he doesn't even have a real guarantee that he'll see it ever again. He has been loaning her money based on faith.

I would help a friend for free without asking him to pay me back

Friend. Girlfriend. Two different things BY FAR.
I'd throw thousands of dollars my best friend's way because I've known him for 15+ years and know we'll always have each other's backs. I can't say I'd do the same for someone in this situation who KEEPS asking.

and you cant give your gf help and make her life more difficult by acting this way

Wait... HE is making HER life more difficult? Are you kidding me?

and then even questioning the movites of a 12 year old boy? Man this is not healthy.

And why not? Of course you question the motives... but not of the kid, but of the mom who probably put him up to this. You don't see a worrying trend developing through this? If you don't, I'd love to wear your ignorance-colored shades for a day and see how blissful life could be.

Of course it's not healthy... it's not healthy for the OP!
And this is a cautionary tale for any aspiring step-father. If the kid is doing this now at age 12... what happens when it's time to go to college?

If you can give it, be a good man and loan it to her, if you can't, then don't.

Shaming. Really? So he's not a good man if he doesn't? Come on now.

If you want to change her, probably better not to as it is difficult, so either accept it or be coldhearted and leave her be.

Wait... are you the girlfriend he is talking about? MIND. BLOWN.

 

[logicallefty]

Wait... are you the girlfriend he is talking about? MIND. BLOWN.

Based on the emotion in Weezzyy's post and only that, I was, at the very least wondering if Weezzyy isn't a woman. I may be wrong.

My GF would not be above getting on here and trolling. However, based on what I have posted about her in this thread, if it was her, she would have already let loose on me about it in person. She is the type of person who can't keep quiet on things like that.

 

[Weezzyy]

Wow , I haven't been here for a long time, but I get called being a women for voicing my opinion? I would agree with you guys if she never payed back but when she pays him back without trouble, I don't really see the problem. Granted you are right and have not been in a situation like this so maybe my opinion is not needed. I wonder what happened with the OP.

 

[YawataNoKami]

I do not want to be rude..............she is 41(she should know better) and right know you are her beta wallet.