GF brings up the topic of having kids

[Desdinova]

Her period is likely due to show up in the next day or two, so her hormones are acting up. I can always tell because she's a bit on the b1tchy side when the crimson tide is coming.

Chick logic is so fvcking volatile. One day she's thinking about not having children, and the next day she wants three of them. Today, she wanted three of them. Every parent wants three kids. I did too, until after the first one. After that I didn't really want any more. Well, I kinda wanted one more, but not with that cvnt that I married.

So the gf brought up the following issues:

- How old will you be if we have kids?
- I want three of them. How many do you want?
- What am I, and what will I ever be to your existing child?
- What if my family never accepts you?
- You need to consider what I want

Here's some facts: I had a (reversible) vasectomy a few years ago (which didn't even come up in the conversation.) That alone tells me that her conversation with me was based on her current emotions, and logic has fvcked off out of her head in order to go have a nap.

So anyway, when she was bringing up these issues, I dropped the bomb and asked "So, you think we're incompatible then?" Her response was "no, I just want you to think about these things." The last woman who brought all this 5hit up got the boot two weeks later, but I never considered her to be a decent long-term prospect the whole time we were dating. This girl is a much better candidate, but I think she's still too young to be seriously considering all this 5hit.

I know couples where the man has one or more children, and the female has none. It's not that the female has decided to never have children, it's that she just seems to follow what's being handed to her in life. I think every woman could go without having children if they're emotionally attached to their man, and I could most certainly see it happening in my situation. The question is, how the fvck do you deal with her emotional and maternal desire to have children when it does come up?

 

[Victory Unlimited]

So the gf brought up the following issues:

Okay, let's assess this battlefield on each front.

- How old will you be if we have kids?

From this statement, this woman seems to EXPECT that you and her will be having children together one day. You mentioned that you've already had a vasectomy, so what gives her the impression that you will want to have kids with her one day in the future? Are you actually open to this idea, or is she mistaken, confused, or misinformed?

- I want three of them. How many do you want?

Funny you should mention women (and men?) who say they want THREE children for some reason or another. I recently asked a woman who told me this: "Why do you want three kids?". She couldn't really tell me WHY she was hellbent (or Heaven bent?) on this number----and when I kept asking her "why" in different ways, all she did was get more exasperated and then ANGRY. I finally stopped asking her once I realized that her preference had absolutely NO discernible basis in logic. but anyway, I thought I'd "share"---but I digress...

- What am I, and what will I ever be to your existing child?

Desdinova, you know better than most that after a certain amount of time-investment, relationships are either progressing or regressing. Rarely do they remain frozen in time from the perspective of one of the two people involved. You know that whenever women ask questions like this she's seeking SOME kind of validation---that she's trying to assure or reassure herself of her place in your life in order for her to feel a level of safety and security with you.

Right now,she's probably in a state of perpetual limbo. She's not your child's mother, she's not your wife, and she's not sure what her future with you will look like. No doubt, we all know that you don't owe this woman any future position in your life if you don't want to give her one. I'm familiar that keeping chicks "in a whirl" is big for PUA types, but---you never struck me as the type to subscribe to the perpetual Goo Goo Doll strategy of "Dizzy Up The Girl" with NO ultimate strategy in mind----but are you?

For clarification purposes, my question to you would probably be a variation of the same question that SHE aske of you: What DOES this woman mean to you? Are you clear on what you want from her short-term or long-term---or have you even really given it that much thought yet since she's still in her early twenties?

- What if my family never accepts you?

Women who worry about their family accepting some guy is either dating you to be rebellious, not yet her OWN woman, or is too young or immature to properly manage her own relationships yet. Which do you think it is with your girl? Or is something entirely different going on here?

- You need to consider what I want

Again, this woman's personality may be emerging from months of hormonal hibernation due to the sexual smackdown you've been putting on her from the beginning. I suspect that much like an alcoholic getting drunk on alcohol, her "emotional outbursts" may be a result of what she feels or thinks about most of the time----and her menstrual-cycled conversations may be the camouflage she's hiding behind to say what's REALLY on her mind.

The question is, how the fvck do you deal with her emotional and maternal desire to have children when it does come up?

If you're right, and these expressions of desire do not have any real merit, then all you have to do is acknowledge her desires, assuage her fears by being understanding of her concerns, and then change the subject as soon as possible. However, if this woman really does want to have children one day and you don't, are you comfortable with allowing her to leave your life sometime in the future due to this issue?



V.U.

 

[Aristippus]

I wonder if where a woman is in her menstrual cycle influences how she thinks about children. Just like we think about food when we're hungry. Any thoughts?

 

[Desdinova]

If you're right, and these expressions of desire do not have any real merit, then all you have to do is acknowledge her desires, assuage her fears by being understanding of her concerns, and then change the subject as soon as possible. However, if this woman really does want to have children one day and you don't, are you comfortable with allowing her to leave your life sometime in the future due to this issue?

Honestly, I never put any weight into what a woman says she wants. A woman who says she wants three children may end up having none. A woman who says she doesn't want ANY children may end up having four. A few weeks ago my gf was telling me about how she'd like to travel to a different country and stay there for a few months. None of the issues involved with an undertaking like this were brought up (including what would happen with me.) There's little to no weight in a woman's words. That's why the man needs to lead.

Honestly, I don't think she has any real desire to have children. She's awkward around her two nephews, and she's awkward around my child. I have no doubt that she feels I'm an excellent candidate as a permanent fixture in her life, and have the ability to provide for her and any children I may have. I'm quite sure this conversation was brought on by emotions and hormones.

I asked her if she feels we're incompatible to rule out all of this being an excuse to break up. If there was any indication of a positive answer, then I would have ended the relationship right then and there. But she was very quick to say "no".

Honestly, I would be open to having one more child. However, the criteria for that would be that she stays with me for a number of years and that SHE saves up the money for the vasectomy reversal. If she has the desire to pay for it, then I know she's dead serious about it. However, I didn't feel that last night was the right time to tell her any of this. She's still only 22 for chrissake. I honestly don't want to consider her for any of this until she's around 24. She still has some maturing to do before I consider her as a permanent fixture in my life. Perhaps THAT is what I should tell her (if anything at all)

 

[Colossus]

She's still only 22 for chrissake. I honestly don't want to consider her for any of this until she's around 24. She still has some maturing to do before I consider her as a permanent fixture in my life. Perhaps THAT is what I should tell her (if anything at all)

I think that's the right of it. She's a KID herself. She has no clue what she wants. I would tell her you wont even consider having kids with her until she is 25 or older. That effectively takes it off the table, and hopefully she'll get over it.

And every girl I've ever met is obsessed with travelling. I dont know why. Maybe it's because we kept them in the kitchen for so many centuries .

 

[The Duke]

There is some great analysis here, but holy bajeezus guys......don't forget the subject matter here...........we have a young, emotional, irrational, woman on the rag.

I wouldn't be so sure that she meant no when she said it! The only sure thing is you can't be sure of any thing! Time has a way of telling the truth tho! I'd just let it rest for a while and if she keeps bringing it up then you've probably got a girl that wants a dose of baby batter.

 

[pdx1138]

My last relationship went down a spiral after we had the talk about kids about 3 months in.

I don't want them.

Some days she does, some days not. Same as your situation.

I got angry and didn't speak to her for 3 days after she said:

"If you don't want kids, then you're wasting my time."

I should not have let that get to me and brushed it off since doctors have told her she can't get pregnant due to a condition she has.

3 weeks later I got the "want to see other people" speech and that was that.

 

[Desdinova]

She sent me a text this morning apologizing for the stuff she said last night

I would tell her you wont even consider having kids with her until she is 25 or older.

I think that's how I'm going to approach that one next time the subject comes up. It's that or just brush it off like I did last night. When women talk about what they want, it's usually all nonsense based on how their feeling at that particular moment in time.

 

[backbreaker]

i see the ordeal this way. people want certian ****. in anything. in relationships, in car deals, in a house they buy, in anything people go in with a pre set notion of what they want. I'm pretty sure if you asked my wife what her dream man was 10 years ago a 5'8 black man (she's 5'11) would not have been in her description.

i don't understand guys who are quick to shoot goals down. it would be like me telling every client who is hell bent on ding business with someone local (about 80% of my clients don't live in California) to get bent beucase you are wasting my time since we aren't comptable. once i show them what they can do, depending on varying factors, their tune usually changes. some guys are hell bent on that but clearly see we are the most qualified and after checking tons of references i send them they feel comfortable enough to do business with me. some are still pretty hell bent on staying local. i went to buy a car, wanted a new XJL supercharged with rims, ended up getting a used one with about 3-4k miles on it with no rims that wasn't supercharged and i love it to death.


just.. just stop. stop shooting yourself in the foot. just nod your head and say "yeah babe that sounds great me to". she has nothing to compare her goals / dreams to. you date a girl for 3 months and she is hell bent on wanting kids, but **** you date a girl for 2 years and she is head over heels in love with you now, now she has something tangiable to compare the kids with.. is leaving this man i am crazy about worth having kids.. sometimes it will be sometimes it won't. my wife was pretty set in getting married.. about a year into the relationship she said she didn't care anymore, it wasn't worth losing me over. and she eventually won me over with actions such as that.

just saying man.. delay delay delay. stop shooting yourself in the foot. girl says she wants to save the world.. sure babe that sounds great. girl says she wants to have 10 kids.. sure babe that sounds great. girl says she wants to cure cancer.. sure baby that sounds great.

 

[sageproduct]

just saying man.. delay delay delay. stop shooting yourself in the foot. girl says she wants to save the world.. sure babe that sounds great. girl says she wants to have 10 kids.. sure babe that sounds great. girl says she wants to cure cancer.. sure baby that sounds great.

I don't really follow what you're saying here. Can you explain?
On the surface it's like you're advocating leading her on, but I get the feeling that that's not at all what you're saying.

you date a girl for 3 months and she is hell bent on wanting kids, but **** you date a girl for 2 years and she is head over heels in love with you now, now she has something tangiable to compare the kids with.. is leaving this man i am crazy about worth having kids.. sometimes it will be sometimes it won't.

Ok upon reading your post a second time, I think I might understand your message. Is it basically this:

Don't disqualify yourself early on by making her realize you won't fulfill her "needs", wait until you both have a really deep, solid understanding of each other before discussing these other things she wants (kids, location, lifestyle), and then making her decide whether she still wants all those things (and if you're willing to compromise for them)?

 

[AW1983]

just saying man.. delay delay delay. stop shooting yourself in the foot. girl says she wants to save the world.. sure babe that sounds great. girl says she wants to have 10 kids.. sure babe that sounds great. girl says she wants to cure cancer.. sure baby that sounds great.

While I agree with your motive (delay), I can't agree with your method (appease), for the kids issue anyway. What you're saying above sounds borderline "yes dear". I think ambiguity is the better route, and it won't come back to bite you later if you didn't mean any of that stuff above and she starts following up (with kids for instance). Example:

girl says she wants to have 10 kids..."maybe one day. we'll see..."

 

[Desdinova]

I totally see backbreaker's point, especially taken into the fact that women just don't know WTF they want ever. I can see going along with it because she's just going to change her mind between now and the next two weeks.

Women are dreamers. They will live in a dream for a few hours and then move onto another dream. Let them dream, let them imagine, let them create, and let them feel. It has nothing to do with leading them on. You're not leading her on if you just let her live in her dream for a few minutes.

Eventually, reality will hit her and show her all the problems to reach those dreams, and the problems the dream creates. She will then move onto a new one.

 

[backbreaker]

While I agree with your motive (delay), I can't agree with your method (appease), for the kids issue anyway. What you're saying above sounds borderline "yes dear". I think ambiguity is the better route, and it won't come back to bite you later if you didn't mean any of that stuff above and she starts following up (with kids for instance). Example:

girl says she wants to have 10 kids..."maybe one day. we'll see..."

that's the thing. it's not appeasing beucase no one ****ing knows what they want 5 - 10 years from now. you know how much **** i watned 5 years ago that i couldn't care less about today?


do you know how silly it is to lose a broad over something you dont' care about anyway? you don't know what is going to happen in your life and what you rmind set is going to be.

cross that bridge if it has to be crossed. but dont' burn the bridge down 50 miles before you get to town lol


perfect example. my wife wanted 2-3 kids. **** honestly i wanted 2 kids. my wife didn't particularly care for being pregnant. if i look at her today and ask does she want to have another.. and she can.. she gives me the darth vader death stare. lol we aren't having another kid, at least not naturally. now how ****ing silly do i look kicking her to the curve before we had ONE kid beucase she wants 2-3 now **** i want another lol and she doesn't.

 

[Aristippus]

I guess another way of saying what backbreaker was saying is this. When a kid says "I want to be an astronaut when I grow up!", do you really take it that seriously? Same thing with young, immature women. The only difference is this. Getting knocked up is easy. So even if she's like the kid who says he wants to be an astronaut, the difference is one tricky move or one "mistake" and it's too late. It's a good thing that you already have this covered. You just can't, and shouldn't, count on her and only her when it comes to contraceptives. Most men would be better off doing like you did and to take complete responsibility for preventing pregnancy. The ones that don't are giving her a great deal of power over his future that could affect him for the rest of his life.