Getting over being burned

[GreyedOut]

My biggest obstacle with dating right now is my past. It's been close to 2 years since I got cheated on, but I think it did a serious number on me. I feel there's a lot of members on this forum that have been cheated on before and unfortunately some have taken on a pretty negative attitude towards women in general because of it. I work with a women who went through a pretty bad divorce and she's quite the man hater now. She's actually a great person in other aspects (and hot) but her attitude is so ugly I would never even consider her for a relationship. It reminds me not to be like that and let past mistakes control how I am.

But I can't seem to tackle this on my own. I've tried to spend some time being single and development myself, including a positive mindset. But I've really noticed some unresolved issues coming up with the girls I'm dating. Mostly trust and self-confidence issues.

Anyone else successfully get over something similar that really shattered there world? Is it possible to climb this obstacle independently or should I be considering therapy? The thought of paying someone to listen to me sounds ridiculous...but if it means I can move on from this and get back on track it might be worth it.

Any positive advice is welcome.

 

[bigneil]

If pain is weakness leaving the body, then the amount of pain we endure after a breakup is proportional to the amount of weakness we were carrying. No wonder those women treated us so poorly - we were too weak!

In the end we are stronger because of it.

 

[Jariel]

My ex cheated on me after 5 years together and waited until Christmas eve to dump me. It was made worse by the fact that we had discussed the psychological damage cheating can do to a person and promised we would never do that to each other.

But here's the big positive I got from it: I realised I had just experienced the worst rejection of my life...and I survived.

I thought about it some more and it occurred to me that rejection isn't that bad at all. It hurts a lot, but the pain goes away as soon as you're ready to let go. I then realised that I would probably never experience a rejection that bad again and even if I did, I would survive. I quickly found myself overcoming approach anxiety, fear of rejection, and caring less about saying the "right" or "wrong" thing.

I started approaching more, flirting more, speaking my mind and not caring about how people perceive me. Not to say I acted obnoxious and rude, but I could finally just relax and be myself. In my work life I went from a polite and fairly quiet guy to one of the most popular guys there. I often find myself commanding the attention of a room full of people, whether I'm just telling funny anecdotes or if everyone is listening to my conversation with a colleague. It's all because I don't fear their judgement.

I've offended people, i've been rejected, but I don't care because nobody has the power to hurt me like my ex girlfriend did, and in the big picture, even that wasn't so bad.

I'm living a much fuller and less restricted life all because of her cheating on me. I've dated and had sex with more hot women this past year than I have in my life.

Another positive is that her actions helped snap me out of my complacency. It made me want to become a better man and I used the pain and anger inside to fuel my workouts in the gym and push myself to the next level. As a result I'm in the best shape of my life.

I'm also wiser. I have no negative trust issues as I don't believe all women should be judged on the actions of one manipulative b!tch. But I do know what signs to look for and to be more cautious about the type of girl I choose to get involved with.

Best of luck man. It's tough to start with, but life will get much better. You just gotta have faith that it will and let go of the past. Maybe it will be a while before you trust a woman with your emotions again, but in the meantime, just go and have fun!

 

[t00dumb]

I started approaching more, flirting more, speaking my mind and not caring about how people perceive me. Not to say I acted obnoxious and rude, but I could finally just relax and be myself. In my work life I went from a polite and fairly quiet guy to one of the most popular guys there. I often find myself commanding the attention of a room full of people, whether I'm just telling funny anecdotes or if everyone is listening to my conversation with a colleague. It's all because I don't fear their judgement.

I've offended people, i've been rejected, but I don't care because nobody has the power to hurt me like my ex girlfriend did, and in the big picture, even that wasn't so bad.

this piece of section advice is GOLD. how do i know? that's exactly what i did and it works wonders. have fun for yourself first, then other people will start to wonder what you're up to

 

[goldengoose]

i think most everybody had this happen to them. the girl doesnt care about you. she cheated on you. the best way is to try to go out meet other girls to get her off your mind. when you find girls that are better than her you will forget about her. she will be a bad memory that you will forget. dont beat yourself up over what she did. let her have the same thing happen to her then you can laugh. A new girl is the best cure for the cheating girl's blues.

 

[DCC]

this piece of section advice is GOLD. how do i know? that's exactly what i did and it works wonders. have fun for yourself first, then other people will start to wonder what you're up to

This has been helping me a lot...as I've posted before, I joined this board because my oneitis basically completely shattered my life. I was miserable for about a month until I realized that not only was I bringing myself and my friends down, my oneitis wasn't even that special. She had entirely too much baggage, and while she was a solid HB8, she had way too many issues for me to handle, especially with my plate as full as it is right now. We did legitimately become friends again, but it's mostly due to the fact that we really don't have a choice but to be around each other...although the more I ignore her, the more she tries to get my attention.

I've been dating more women, a few are leagues about my oneitis, and while I haven't really made it far with them...at least I'm finally getting out of my rut. Being myself around women I find attractive is a huge challenge for me...mostly because when I'm comfortable around people, I'm too comfortable, and can cross lines without even thinking about it...it took me a while to figure out that it's still OK to cross those lines with women you like, and they will appreciate / respect you for it.

 

[Scars]

I've noticed that the more and more break-ups I encounter, the easier it is to deal with. Even my most recent ex. I was with her over a year, got her pregnant, and had to pay for her abortion (both a rough time period for both of us). But when the break-up came, I was just kind of like "Oh this again?"

She still tries to call/text me, even though she broke up with ME. But I swore an oath to myself to remove her from my life completely. She just recently left a bunch of things of mine on my porch that she collected at her house over the past year (clothes and such) and had to just dump them by my front door because I made it impossible for her to get a hold of me. Left a short little note telling me how she still cares about me. Oh well. I think I've grown heartless.

-Scars