Getting Lazy in Relationships

[MsThang]

A lot of men are here because women are difficult to get. They say women can get sex whenever they want to. Granted, this is probably true, but women have an equally daunting task: once they get a relationship, it is usually the women who has to hold the man to it.

Why is this? Because men tend to get lazy. Once they are good and settled, they stop taking the woman out to dinner, or stop saying sweet things, or being grateful for the fact that they are getting a steady steam of sex and comfort and anything else the woman happily provides.

It's not that the man was not good to begin with. I know this site encourages a lot of neg-hitting and whatever, but keep in mind that it is whatever he did for her in the beginning (the sweet things) that made her fall in love and decide to be in an LTR with him in the first place, but unfortunetly men forget that they STILL need to work for it.

A woman may work twice as hard to hold your attention for a little while, but then when she becomes exhausted with trying the relationship will be over with lots of bitterness on the woman's part about the fact that she put so much effort in and got so little back.

Once you get in a relationship, it is not over! IT HAS JUST BEGUN!

 

[MysteryWoman]

Excellant observation, this is so true. Men are only romantic and compassionate when trying to get the girl, once they've got her, they don't give a damn. This is why so many women initate divorce or leave.

Keeping the girl is harder than getting her. Remember this guys!

 

[Wyldfire]

In all fairness...both men and women become complacent in reltaionships and take each other for granted. Just as a man will stop making the efforts you both described, women will gain weight, stop trying to look good and lose interest in sex once they "have" the man. It's the responsibility of both people to value and appreciate each other and not take each other for granted or become complacent.

 

[MsThang]

Granted, Wyldfire. I was going to add something about this being the equivilant of women getting fat and no longer taking care if themselves as a simile, but took it out last minute.

Personally, I think to stop being considerate is much worse than to gain weight, but anyway. I was posting this to point something out to men, since this seems to be a big problem from what I have seen in my own relationships and those around me. I rarely, if ever, have heard this complaint from men, even when I ask them about it specifically.

 

[Wyldfire]

Originally posted by MsThang:
Granted, Wyldfire. I was going to add something about this being the equivilant of women getting fat and no longer taking care if themselves as a simile, but took it out last minute.

Personally, I think to stop being considerate is much worse than to gain weight, but anyway. I was posting this to point something out to men, since this seems to be a big problem from what I have seen in my own relationships and those around me. I rarely, if ever, have heard this complaint from men, even when I ask them about it specifically.

I know where you're coming from. At the same time...what you posted won't be looked at as being significant and it will be turned into a flame fest. If you include the things women do wrong as well, some will be more receptive to seeing your point.

 

[Wyldfire]

dead romeo...experience here has shown me that most (not all) of the guys here tend to take this kind of criticism very personally and don't usually respond very well. There will be some who consider this topic to encourage AFC-dom, even though it is a very valid issue that leads to the end of many relationships. I hope my prediction is wrong, but I will be VERY surprised if it is.

 

[dead_romeo]

It was you that pointed out both sexes have the same symptoms. So don't dwell on what happened in past/similar messages; I personally think it's valid.

I hope my prediction is wrong, but I will be VERY surprised if it is.

Save predictions like that, encourage a fruitful discussion, and you'll recieve favorable, even positive responses.

Responding to what I said would be useful too.

------------------
"Conclusions arrived at through reasoning have very little or no influence in altering the course of our lives. Hence, the countless examples of people who have the clearest convictions and yet act diametrically against them time and time again; and have as the only explanation for their behavior the idea that to err is human." Carlos Castaneda - The Fire From Within

"Hell aint a bad place to be" - AC/DC

 

[JUST ME]

ladies, in general, in your experience, how long in most cases does it take for a guy to start being lazy in a ltr?

what does he do to make you start seeing he's being lazy?

how long will you put up with the laziness?


how lomg before you truly see the "real" man you are dating?


is it not fair to say this-in MOST RELATIONSHIPS- as each day,month go by, the relationship deteriorates in 99% of all relationships?

 

[Take No Dirt]

Both men and women put forth their best face when they're dating each other. At that stage of the game, either one of them is free to sever the relationship (without financial cost: unlike a messy divorce) and hook up with another person. There are doubts, uncertainty and a certain amount of risk present that make such a relationship challenging and exciting. There's also that thought in the back of one's mind that the other person may bolt.

Now once the marriage and honeymoon are over, there's the stark realization that you two are TRULY EXCLUSIVE. There are no more backup dates. The mystery aspect disappears over time. You see the same old face day in and day out. You become irritated by the other person's quirky and annoying bad habits. (Love is blind when you're engaged, but the veil of blindness is lifted upon marriage.) You get on each other's nerves. Your significant half becomes like furniture: always there and predictably boring. Familiarity breeds contempt.

Complacency, laziness, lack of goals, etc., all contribute to the marriage becoming stale and headed for divorce court. Yes, both of you need to work at keeping the marriage vibrant and exciting. If only one person cares and the other person doesn't, then it's downhill all the way. If you treat marriage just like when you were still dating, you will better your chances of having a long happy marriage.

 

[MysteryWoman]

Originally posted by Wyldfire:
In all fairness...both men and women become complacent in reltaionships and take each other for granted. Just as a man will stop making the efforts you both described, women will gain weight, stop trying to look good and lose interest in sex once they "have" the man. It's the responsibility of both people to value and appreciate each other and not take each other for granted or become complacent.

Actually both men and women gain weight. After having children women naturally gain weight. Women lose interest in sex often, because in many cases they have to work full-time and do most of the domestic chores. At the end of a hard working day, it is difficult for women to be passionate with their partners when they have to do more work.

Although yes it is true they are women who treat their partners like shyt, in the majority of cases it is women who choose to walk away from relationships whilst men want to cling on.

 

[JUST ME]

bump, great topic, but tnd,ladies,i meant in dating more so than marraige..do you find..

ladies that when you are dating a guy for several months that you start to see the "facade of perfection and cute quirks",wearing off and start to get annoyed by what was once "cute" from him?

 

[MsThang]

Originally posted by JUST ME:
bump, great topic, but tnd,ladies,i meant in dating more so than marraige..do you find..

ladies that when you are dating a guy for several months that you start to see the "facade of perfection and cute quirks",wearing off and start to get annoyed by what was once "cute" from him?

It has nothing to do with his quirks getting annoying. It's more that he stops making an effort to try and be romantic. Everything you did to win her is THE REASON THAT YOU WON HER! In other words, if you want to keep her interest you need to keep at it. This can take anywhere from months to years and sometimes days, depending on how quick the guy is to settle.

 

[WildThang]

Originally posted by MsThang:
Why is this? Because men tend to get lazy. Once they are good and settled, they stop taking the woman out to dinner, or stop saying sweet things, or being grateful for the fact that they are getting a steady steam of sex and comfort and anything else the woman happily provides.

First I'd hope any woman I was with would be having sex because she enjoyed it. And not so she could store it up on a balance sheet to be used against me in future. If she's keeping score or thinking it's an obligation she's generously bestowing, I'm out of there.

Secondly as a woman you can't 'happily' provide these things and keep score at the same time. If you're 'happily' providing them while secretly getting mad as hell because you're not getting what you want, you should either take a look at your expectations, or find yourself another guy, or both.

Thirdly the qualities that make a guy appealing in the first place - confidence, being a challenge, all of that - all add up to 'confident independence.' So those qualities are also the very ones that make a guy the least likely to want to lavish romance on a woman.

This is the female dilemma. The exciting hot guys don't give a fvck, because they know that if a woman gets her panties in a bunch he can always next her and find a replacement. The sappy romantic guys who will give you all the attention you could ever want , don't turn you on, so you never try to have a relationship with them.

What can I say? Life's a bytch.

Fifthly a good LTR isn't about constant romance, it's about enjoying each other's company in a relaxed and everyday kind of way. If you want to be treated like a princess, get a job at Disneyland. If you want an LTR, go find a guy you have a good time with effortlessly. Not because he buys you dinner every week, but because you get a real kick out of just having him around. And vice versa.

Most marriages don't work because people, and especially women, assume that marriages and LTRs are like dating.

They're not. They're a whole different thing. If you don't have a great time with someone effortlessly, you are *totally* wasting your time trying to have an LTR with them.

BTW - MsT - have you tried telling your bf all this? It seems like it might be more useful to your relationship than telling everyone here about it.

 

[VeryBadGirl]

MsThang, I don't really agree with you here.

This kind of thinking just keeps perpetuating the stupid idea that men are the ones that need to do x,y,z in a relationship while the woman sits on her ass.

Yes, you have to keep the romance alive after you have been together for awhile, but it CAN'T be a score sheet, as WildThang said and it can't be something that either partner does grudgingly.

And, most importantly, it can't be a one-sided thing. It MUST be both people putting forth an effort or you are screwed.

Also, you both have to come to the realization that the excitement that was created by the "new-ness" of dating for the first 3-6 months is not always going to be there. And no amount of dates is going to bring it back.

That doesn't mean that there are not DIFFERENT kinds of excitment in a LTR, because there are, if you care about each other enough and are creative enough to keep it that way.

And one of the most important parts of a sucessful LTR is exactly what WildThang said - simply enjoying each others company. 90% of your life is going to be spent hanging out ordering chinese food and watching a movie, going to the grocery store, paying bills, sleeping late on the weekends, running errands, doing your laundry and things like that. If you can't have fun doing these things together, you are in trouble.

But, these things should be peppered with fun, exciting, interesting or romantic dates and vacations. And these things take both people communicating with each other and being thoughtful. Both of you have to be willing to say: We haven't done anything fun recently, let's rent a house at the beach. Or, to just do it as a surprise.

If one person doesn't care enough to treat their signifigant other right, then it is going to end. And, perhaps it should. Because, chances are those 2 people would not have made it in the long run.

I posted a topic about treating your man right in the anything else forum. No one responded to it but it touched on these issues a bit.

 

[JUST ME]

MS.THANG,kind of like a guy "crossing the finish line", and stops trying, after he "wins her over"?

Like he stops filling her tank up with gas?

What are your ladies top 5 turn ons in a guy, and turn offs?----be specific...

 

[Jwheatly]

"A woman may work twice as hard to hold your attention for a little while, but then when she becomes exhausted with trying the relationship will be over with lots of bitterness on the woman's part about the fact that she put so much effort in and got so little back."


This type of situation only occurs when a women picks the wrong mate to begin with.
For example.

I have 2 very very good friends... One of them is handsome, exceptionally muscular, and is very smooth with the ladies.... and oh yeah, he is a complete and utter ******* . He does not give two ****s about any females he is dating. But guess what, every single female that meets him wants to have his damn kids.

My other friend is the very caring, gentle, outgoing AFC type. He has not gotten laid in the past 2 years. nuf said.


"or being grateful for the fact that they are getting a steady steam of sex and comfort and anything else the woman happily provides."


I thought sex was a two way thing?

[This message has been edited by Jwheatly (edited 04-15-2002).]

 

[JUST ME]

more please! thanks......

 

[VeryBadGirl]

Top 5 turn on's body-wise? Personality wise? Explain your question Just me....

 

[JUST ME]

top 5 turn ons and turn offs for women when they think about getting in an ltr with a guy? what do they like and don't like..remember you are in the DJ FORUM!

 

[MsThang]

Wow, that's off topic. If you post it in anything else I promise to respond.