Get back ex or move on with the next?

[GoldMan]

Guys, I'd really appreciate your input on my dilemna....

The Break-Up:

I told my gf that I don't see myself taking it to the next level with her (living together). She said if I ever felt that I couldn't take it to that level then I needed to let her know so she could move on.

Background:

We have been together for the past 2.5 years steadily and on and off dating a year before that. During this relationship I have been spinning other plates and seeing other chicks. About a year ago she started snooping and went through my cell phone (texts) and emails and found out I was seeing other chicks. I thought she would dump me but she didn't. She has always had an incredibly high IL in me and probably felt that I would now love her more because she showed me that she would forgive me.

We were very compatible, she took care of me, was a lot of fun to be with, and I grew to love her. She was very different in how giving she was how she put me 1st always. All of my friends like her and thought we made a great couple. But I wanted my cake and eat it too and I did for the past few years. I treated her well but she knew I was still messing around but couldn't prove it because now I had up'd my defenses.

A few months ago I met a chick who I am really into physically, and mentally. She stayed over one night and after she left I started feeling like ****. The guilt of "emotionally cheating" really affected me. The next day I broke it off with my gf.

The Dilemna:

In hindsight, I see that I took my ex for granted and she had a lot of positives going for her. Her insecurity with me going out was a sore spot, but righfully so due to past events. I was happy with her but I was also tasting the candy out there.

So, things are moving along with this new girl. I mean after playing around with dozens of other women the past few years, this one comes along and makes me want to leave my gf. There is something significant about her.

I'm beginning to think that I will never find a woman who I will want to take it to the next level with. The water is too cold to jump in....I don't want to lose my freedom. I need to maybe just jump in and hope for the best?

I'm now weighing giving the relationship with the ex another shot or to close the door on that and pursue things with the new girl.

Your honest opinions and comments are appreciated!

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Goldman,
The only reason to move in with her is to have children,there are very few advantages and for an Independent Man lots of disadvantages,the main one being that you are from the Laws point of view in a De Facto Relationship,The Tomassi says it all.....

Iron Rule of Tomassi #4

NEVER under any circumstance live with a woman you aren't married to or are not planning to marry in within 6 months.

You are utterly powerless in this situation. NEVER buy a home with a girlfriend, NEVER sign a rental lease with a girlfriend. NEVER agree to move into her home and absolutely NEVER move a woman into your own established living arrangement. I'm adamantly opposed to the "shacking up" dynamic, it is a trap that far too many men allow themselves to fall into. My fervor agianst this isn't based on some moral issue, it it simple pragmatism. I know a fellow right now who is in the pit of misery with a girl he signed an apartment lease with for a year and has had to basically live with his ex for the past 5 months and wont get out of the lease until May. If you live with a woman you may as well be married because upon doing so every liability and accountability of marriage is then in effect. You not only lose any freedom of annonymity you commit to, legally, being responsible for the continuation of your living arrangements regardless of how your relationship decays.

I should also emphasize the point that when you commit (and it is a financial committment) to cohabiting with a GF you will notice a marked decrease in her sexual availability and desire, trust me on this. All of that competitive anxiety and it's resulting sexual tension that made your single sex life so great is removed from her shoulders and she can comfortably relax in the knowledge that she is your ONLY source of sexual intimacy. Putting your name on that lease with her (even if it's just your name) is akin to signing an insurance polcy for her - "I the undersigned promise not to fukk any woman but this girl for a one year term." She thinks, "if he wasn't serious about me, he wouldn't have signed the lease." Now all of that impetus and energy that made having marathon sex with you an outright necessity is relaxed. She controls the frame and she's got it in writing that it is for at least a year.

Just don't do it. Relationships last best when you spin more plates or at the very least keep each other at arm's distance. Look how this applies to your situation here.

 

[GoldMan]

To have children yes, that's the only reason I would ever live with a woman. She never asked to move in, but she ultimately wanted that. If I were to tell her that that was now back on the table as a future possibility, she would gladly come back to the way it was.

 

[Mr. Me]

It's too bad you weren't honest about the nature of your relationship with her up front and during these last two and a half years (that you didn't consider it "exclusive"), one reason being because she can now never fully trust you. And if you're with her, then there will be times she brings it up when you're having an argument, for example, and hold it over your head. There will be times you're late coming home from work, or delayed while out shopping, or go on a night with the boys, or have a funny look on your face, or get a ring on your cell phone - and she'll wonder every time if something's going on.

And the big shame of it all is that she did show you she may have been a keeper, and you'd rather throw it all away for a new gal untried and untrue, simply because of the great chemistry, which one day fades down anyway.

 

[darkstarrr]

It's too bad you weren't honest about the nature of your relationship with her up front and during these last two and a half years (that you didn't consider it "exclusive"), one reason being because she can now never fully trust you. And if you're with her, then there will be times she brings it up when you're having an argument, for example, and hold it over your head. There will be times you're late coming home from work, or delayed while out shopping, or go on a night with the boys, or have a funny look on your face, or get a ring on your cell phone - and she'll wonder every time if something's going on.

And the big shame of it all is that she did show you she may have been a keeper, and you'd rather throw it all away for a new gal untried and untrue, simply because of the great chemistry, which one day fades down anyway.

It won't let me give you any more karma so here: :flowers:

 

[GoldMan]

Great points, Mr. Me. When I would go out with the boys on Friday night she would ask "Is there anything I should worry about?", "Are you going to behave?". I hated that and argued, told her I'm not some parolee and if she persisted I would hang up on her and not answer her calls because she would get so irrational. I felt bad afterwards and felt like I didn't care about her because I didn't put up with it and make her feel more secure.

She is a keeper, and always tells me we have a beautiful thing together. I've never had a woman so into me with so little effort on my part. I just can't get tail chasing out of my system.

The problem is, if I got back with her I would drop all the plates, even the new one. That would change me and the dynamics of the relationship because she'd be the only one. I think her interest level in me would drop because I'd be showing commitment now instead of being aloof.

 

[GoldMan]

It won't let me give you any more karma so here: :flowers:

This is Karma or will Karma happen? I've been a selfish prick haven't I?

 

[Mr. Me]

When I would go out with the boys on Friday night she would ask "Is there anything I should worry about?", "Are you going to behave?". I hated that and argued, told her I'm not some parolee and if she persisted I would hang up on her and not answer her calls because she would get so irrational.

Sure that's annoying. Maybe she has that gut feeling that things aren't what they should be or maybe she's just insecure, but you know what? No one's ever going to be 100% great all the time anyway. Yopu feel bad because you argued with her, and you really like her and don't want to come off mean to her, right? Rather then argue with her, because arguing gets nowhere but creates ill will, here's how I'd handle it:

HER: "Are you going to behave?"
ME: "Yes mom." [big smile]

After one or two of those they get the hint about how they're acting and they stop.

I've never had a woman so into me with so little effort on my part. I just can't get tail chasing out of my system.

When I was somewhere in my twenties I read something profoundly questioned the way I look at relationships. I didn't really let it take root as I should've at the time.

It proposed this: What's better? To be with someone who loves you, or to be with someone you love?

Actually, I think the answer is you have to love them, BUT they have to love you MORE then you love them. And maybe that's where you're at?

You're ALWAYS going to want to chase other tail no matter who you're with. There will ALWAYS be a hot piece that crosses your path. Every frickin' year there's a new crop harvested of women. Years from now, I'm going to be lusting after women that haven't even been born yet. So will you. Something to look forward to!

That would change me and the dynamics of the relationship because she'd be the only one. I think her interest level in me would drop because I'd be showing commitment now instead of being aloof.

Nothing changes. Instead of you not being totally available, it becomes a matter of she understands you can walk. That keeps the Challenge thing going. But I do think you kinda destroyed what you had.

 

[GoldMan]

Thanks Mr. Me for your insight....

So, 5 weeks have passed... Things are going well with the new girl. She is showing me high IL and I'm really enjoying my time with her.

However, I'm still thinking about my ex everyday... I thought by now I would not be missing her so much but I still do. She texted me on Fri night when I was out with the new girl and told me "Please don't take this in any other way...but i miss you so much...". Deep down I feel like I'm still holding out on the possibility that I will get back with her.

A friend of mine suggested that I go back with the ex and give it a shot. Told me to put the new girl on the backburner until I found out if this is what I really want. He thought that after 5 weeks I should have more clarity, yet I don't.

If we got back together and it didn't work out, then I would know I gave it another shot and will have no regrets about it. But, I don't want to risk hurting her again. Also, I'm enjoying what I have going on with the new girl.

Do you think my feeling this way is normal? Would it be THAT selfish to give it another shot while reducing my time with the new girl?

 

[Warrior74]

This is why you identify the three types of women and date accordingly.

There are good girls, freaks and hoes (gold diggers). A true player only dates freaks and hoes and keeps his heart in his chest (doesn't get emotionally invested). When you start playing this game with good girls you are going to break some hearts.

Sounds like your heart isn't in being a player or a dj. Time to square up and get out of the game. Date em both I say and see which one you want to be with.

Also...I agree never live with a woman until there is a wedding ring and you plan to have children. Tell all women you date this so they know where you stand. That's your job as a man to set your boundaries. You obviously didn't do that in the beginning.

 

[The Logical Player]

your Interest Level is too low, and no amount of her being the nice girl AFC is going to change that

essentially, you just feel bad for her because she is so great and you are NOT interested in spending your life with her.

Cut off all contact, and pursue girls only that YOU have 100% interest in.

 

[jophil28]

If we got back together and it didn't work out, then I would know I gave it another shot and will have no regrets about it. But, I don't want to risk hurting her again. Also, I'm enjoying what I have going on with the new girl.

TEll me, exactly what would you do if you found out that you Ex was dating a new guy ?

 

[GoldMan]

Sounds like your heart isn't in being a player or a dj. Time to square up and get out of the game. Date em both I say and see which one you want to be with.

You might be right Warrior, but since meeting the ex, I had been with over 40 women and on dates or messed around with another 20. It was planned that I would just add the new girl into the inventory and proceed as normal. However, I started to like her more and my IL grew.

your Interest Level is too low, and no amount of her being the nice girl AFC is going to change that

essentially, you just feel bad for her because she is so great and you are NOT interested in spending your life with her.

Cut off all contact, and pursue girls only that YOU have 100% interest in.

Great Point. The IL ratio between us was about 80/20, with the new girl about 60/40. I think the lopsided IL between us had something to do with the fact that she knew I could walk on her if she messed up. I knew that she would not walk on me no matter what I did. She puts me up on a pedestal, and I liked that but at the same time I didn't. She would tell me "I love you" very often and tell me how lucky she was to be with me. At times it got annoying and she got upset when I told her she didn't need to say it all the time.

I feel bad mostly because I miss her and she was a big part of my life.

TEll me, exactly what would you do if you found out that you Ex was dating a new guy ?

Just to speculate on how I would feel....I would hope that she's dating a good guy that would give her what she wants in life (kids, marriage). I'm sure I'd feel some regret out of selfishness.