Funny sexts with the girl I met on NYE

[sageproduct]

Been sexting the girl from this thread. Some pretty funny sh1t included..so I felt like sharing. She's from out of state, and she's not interested enough to come out all the way here just to bang, and neither am I. I've tried multiple times to make something happen but I can tell it's not happening. Maybe if one of us incidentally happens to be by the other, something could happen..but meanwhile, we've just been sexting. Here are some funny excerpts.

Me: Are you saying you're wearing the pants here?
Her: All I'm saying is that if you wanna wear the pants you might have to take them off me first.
Me: Ooo didn't know you wanted me to be a crossdresser
Her: I just figured since you're an Asian man we probably wear the same size pants. You know besides the space needed to accommodate your massive d1ck.
Me: Massive d1ck? Don't make fun of me now
Her: I wasn't I just feel whenever the word d1ck is mentioned it should be accompanied by a describing adjective. Would you prefer cute? Adorable? Asian?
Me: I prefer "poking my butt through my dress while we're on the dance floor"
Her: I was a tiny bit drunk so correct me if I'm wrong, but I think we already did that one.
...
Her: Cvm on my chest, totally cool. Cvm in my hair, definitely not.
Me: Cvm somewhere else, and we ruin both our lives!
...
Me: Let's marry.
Her: What answer is gonna get me the most sex? Bc that's the answer I pick.
...
Me: If you were here right now you have no idea how hard I'd be pounding you
Her: Unfortunately for you I don't put out on a first date. Unless there's candles. Then you probably stand a really good chance of getting laid.
Me: ?!?! You perv I was talking about physically assaulting you
...
Her: I think you slightly missed the mark on that one...
Me: No, I secretly meant to glaze your face instead of your boobs
...
Her: I try not to say the word jizz while I'm working. It makes customers uncomfortable.
Me: Jizz.
Her: It doesn't make me uncomfortable silly.
...
Her: Sorry. I was having a beer with my boss. It was weird talking about sex while he was there. I like being on top bc I like deciding how the sex is gonna go. Usually it's better sex when I'm on top. And I enjoy knowing I'm satisfying the other person and it's easier to play with myself while on top. I enjoy cowgirl but surprisingly enough I really enjoy doggy style if its done right.
...
Her: Sounds like you really know what you like.

LOL AT THAT CUZ I'M A VIRGIN BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOW

Her: I do love to cuddle. But I prefer to do it pants less. I hope that's not a problem.
...
Her: Sounds like you're just making excuses to take your clothes off. Which I'm fine with really.
...
Her: You've got such a way with words sageproduct.
Me: Course I do...can't really use my numbers skills to get girls in bed
Her: Well those other girls have got it all wrong. Intelligence is sexy as hell.
Me: I literally just got an erection
Her: Talk numbers to me baby
Me: I want you to Riemann Sum my Fibonacci Numbers so bad mmmm then I'm gonna perform the hardest Integration by Parts on your Xeno's Paradox
Her: The more you talk the more I just want to have sex with you.
Me: Maybe I shouldn't talk then..I just want to do hot math problems with you
...
Me: B1tch I'm gonna hydrolyze your proteins so hard you'll wish you were a prokaryote
Her: You are ridiculous and I love it.
Me: You have impeccable taste in men
Her: Ha. I'm not sure if you're really allowed to judge that.
...
Her: You're cute and Asian so I'd probably bang you. I've a got a thing for Asian guys.

I showed her a video of Jenni Lee giving a handj0b. She watched it and said:

Her: She has great tits for sure. Can we make it a threesome?
...
Her: So what do you do on a typical Friday night?
Me: Jerk off in my moms basement
Her: I hope you watched some good p0rn while you did then.
...
Her: We just need to bang already.
...
Her: It's just been way too long since I've had sex.
...
Me: Just cleaned my dinner table. Wanna join me?
Her: Only if we can fwck on that table when we're done.
...
Me: Like...going to a club commando and doing it on the dance floor but pretending like you're dancing
Her: It would have to be a pretty loud club. I'm not very good at being quiet.
...
Me: Boooooooooooooobs *********fwcka$$holesh1tcvntlickd1ckcoffecatfwckfwckfwckfwckfwckc0ckpu$$y breat mammary glands.
Her: You either spelled breasts wrong or that's some kinky sh1t I'm unaware of.
Me: It means chocolate ice cream.
Her: Makes sense. Now I'm hungry.
Me: Oh good I just shaved your lunch
Her: I'm only dining with you if 69 is on the menu.

Hope you guys think these are funny...I lol'ed a lot at some of them

 

[BigSmooth]

Is she in like 10th grade?

 

[alpha_ash]

Hahaha funny ****! I'm proud of you sage product! And in this case, texting isn't really killing the interaction, if you want to call it that.

 

[RiceandChicken]

Lmfao. I was entertained while reading that. She obviously wants the D. On top of that, play sexual banter, win win. She's obviously immature but fun and I bet she looks good too. I say hit it if ya wanna.

 

[sageproduct]

She's actually quite mature, one of the more mature girls I know who is my age. She works a sh1t ton of hours, knows what she is doing, and pays her own way through life. She's not a fwcking idiot who expects to drink and party all the time and have it all. We actually do have a fair amount of normal conversation outside of sexting. I just cut out a bunch of snippets here that I thought were funny.

 

[sageproduct]

Her: Someone sounds confident. Sometimes I can be rather hard to please.
Me: Sometimes I can be rather hard
Her: Well that's a start.

Her: Hey baby, what's your sine? or how about, I wish I was your problem set bc then you'd be doing me on your desk. (Those are the best math lines I've got)
Me: I'm sine and you're cosine. Let's make like a tangent.
Me: If you're sine squared, then I'm cosine squared. Together we are one.
Her: I wish you were my second derivative so you could explore all my concavities.
Me: Baby I don't need to be your second derivative to know where your critical values are
Her: Alright you win. I'm all out.
Me: I long to be your definite integral, to fill the space beneath your curves. If you want we can take it slow I'm not opposed to integration by parts

Me: Let's make a p0rno
Me: Harry potter and the sorcerer's bone
Me: AMWF creampie with facial
Me: Or you could bring your friends and we'll make it a CFNM
Her: I'm too drunk to use acronyms right now. What's going on?
Me: Let's fwck.
Me: I'm gonna cvm deep inside ur pu$4y (we're rawdogging btw). Then you're gonna get an abortion
Her: Well you're three hoursaway. How does that work?
Me: Ew no I was talking about cybersex. Text-only sexual intercourse is the hottest.

Me: I thought it was 100% naturale
Her: Oh baby you know it is. No silicone up in this b1tch.
Me: None? Allow me to manually check for trace elements
Me: An oral examination may be required as well
Her: ONly if you're lucky
Me: Only if you sucky

 

[gravityeyelids]

Haha I really enjoyed that

 

[BigSmooth]

These are great convos and all, but at some point...you need to freakin' bang her...or else she's going to lose interest.


Sooner or later, you're going to end up as the guy she just jokes around with via text while she bangs multiple dudes in her hometown. You need to escalate the attraction by physically doing what you keep on texting her.

I text my lady friends like this all the time. You're going to have to make a physical move or else you're going to end up as "just a friend".

 

[self-respect]

These are great convos and all, but at some point...you need to freakin' bang her...or else she's going to lose interest.


Sooner or later, you're going to end up as the guy she just jokes around with via text while she bangs multiple dudes in her hometown. You need to escalate the attraction by physically doing what you keep on texting her.

I text my lady friends like this all the time. You're going to have to make a physical move or else you're going to end up as "just a friend".

This. I was in the exact situation couple years back with 2 girls. Virgin, smart, exact same type of girls, similar texts, late to make a move. One was all words and "didn't see me that way" when things actually escalated, other one really was horny as fuk and wanted my D but I didn't have the experience then to act and stick it in. Could go either way. Both of them helped me land up on here so came out ahead in the end.

This girl might be mature in the rest of her life, school, work, money but when it comes to sex she sounds immature. You can't, but I want to see if she matches her words with actions. Right now she's got freedom to say whatever she wants to get your attention and play dirty for her own mind, cause she knows she doesn't have to give up pu$$y.

 

[JohnChops]

SAge, please bang her and lose that V card man! Good luck, shes an easy in .

 

[sageproduct]

I mentioned in my OP I've tried multiple times to make something happen. It's clear she's not having it.

 

[BigSmooth]

I mentioned in my OP I've tried multiple times to make something happen. It's clear she's not having it.

So she's definitely all talk...no walk.

Next.

 

[sageproduct]

Lolz Look Guyz I Tricked Her So Bad

Me: I want to tell you that you are my favorite [her first name] in the entire world
Her: I think you just like talking diry.
Me: Oh shoot you got me I don't actually think you're a cool person I've just been using you all this time as a sexting partner
Her: I hope I'm not the only one you have. You'd have a very boring cyber sex life if I was.
Me: I've been saving my virginity for you can't you see
Her: Oh sage. In order for me to take your virginity you'd still have to have it.

:snickers:

 

[Mike32ct]

Haha. I LOVE this style of game.

Instead of the c o cky and fun ny crap where the guy puts the girl down, this is a sexy version of c o c ky and p l ay ful.

I teased the English teacher with "past progressive tense" crap. As a math guy, you're using trig and calc. Priceless.

The virgin routine (not really a routine lol) at the end is great too.

But I echo the other posters' concerns. You don't want her to get TOO comfortable being your funny sext buddy (ie free entertainment).

You are welcome to post about what you've tried or want to try to get her to meet up and b@ng. We can try to help you out with that.

There are two ideas on my mind...

1. Convert from a FUNNY sexting to a very erotic sexting. You see, making a girl laugh and making her REALLY wet aren't exactly the same thing.

Continue your playful funny sexy style during the day. That's fine...

But at night... More to come shortly..

 

[buzzin_frog]

I hate the words "sexts" or "sexting" some dumbass made those up.

All these texts are really lame if you ask me. Just a complete waste of time. What did they accomplish? The answer is ....nothing.

I mentioned in my OP I've tried multiple times to make something happen. It's clear she's not having it.

Then why are you wasting your time sending dirty texts? Nothing is going to happen. I hope your mom isn't paying for your texting plan.

The whole purpose of sending texts like this, is to get laid. Your texts should make the girl horny enough to want to fvck you on the same night or next day. She should be turned on enough to want to fvck you after texting. Then you go ahead and fvck her. Not to have a boring and useless conversation. That is lame.

 

[Mike32ct]

Ok, back to my computer. Typing on my i f on e sucks lol.

Anyway, that playful sexy style is very good initially and works fine during the day. But you need to really turn up the heat at night.

Text her around 9 or 10 pm or when you are pretty sure she is lying in bed. (You want her to be in a convenient place to play with herself lol. We'll get to that in a bit.)

Start out with the playful funny stuff as an intro....

You: You're the bestest new girlfriend ever. <Or some silly crap. Doesn't matter.>

You: Describe your perfect first date.

Her: Well, you'd pick me up by the beach... Blah blah blah <More crap lol>

NOW is when you turn from funny to very graphic romantic story tellng. Then slowly get more and more erotic...

You: Then I'd take both your hands. Then look into your eyes.

<You'll get some positive feedback like smiles and stuff in between. You are story telling.>

Her: Yes and...

You: I'd run my fingers down the side of your face to push your hair aside. Then lean in to kiss you.

You: Pull you into tighter against me and kiss you deeply...

<Anyway, slowly transition from romantic to drawn out description of foreplay, undressing, and having sex. Take your time.>

<Eventually, lead back to what you alluded to earlier in your thread: unprotected sex.>

<Her ultimate fantasy is rawdog and c r e am p ie in the context of "It just felt right in the moment, and we didn't want to stop. >

<Done right, she WILL play with herself aggressively. Continue until she literally c*ms on the other end.>

Then, you are no longer the funny guy, but the romance novel hero that literally can make her wet.

Tell her to have a good night. Then stop sexting and go to sleep. She will think about F-ing you a LOT.

Or if you're done with this chick, you can try this on another one. Gotta use that sharp mind of yours to get them really wet.