Friends First?

[Juan_Man]

Does anyone have any experience where he was friends with a girl for some time first before entering a relationship with her? It would seem logical to me that a frienship is a necessary prerequisite because you and the girl will know each other in and out, strengths and weaknesses, so that no one is surprised when they enter the LTR. Plus, when you lack the sex portion of a relationship, it allows you to concentrate on the non-sexual aspects. Let's face it, relationships can't always be about lust. Also, I think that sometimes DJing might be anticlimatic because you may not be able to live up to the all-powerful image you initially created in the girl's mind before hooking up. It seems kind of AFC but what do you think about the idea of being friends first?

 

[TedJustAdmitIt]

You've been here since Aug 2001 and have 517 posts and you're asking a question like this?

Sweet Jesus and the baby orphans...

 

[Juan_Man]

I'm just throwing this up for debate. I've gone the DJ route and had some short-term success (never long-term), but I don't remember anyone here explaining why the "friends first" routine never works. I know that the whole "shower her with attention and treat her like a queen" plan doesn't work, but what about working on a girl you been friends with? Maybe I forgot what it means to be AFC but please help me out.

 

[DJStudent]

Originally posted by Ted,JustAdmitIt
You've been here since Aug 2001 and have 517 posts and you're asking a question like this?

Sweet Jesus and the baby orphans...

HAHAHA:crackup:

To answer your question. Yes I have and it did end up in a LTR. This happened because I wasn't interested in her at first, until we hanged out a lot and she grew on me. But if you like the girl before hand and be her friend, you're going to get discourage as she going to be talking about all the guys that hits on her, who she likes, and so forth. The whole point of showing her you like her from the get go, is to avoid hearing all that crap.

Lol I'm going through that sh!t now, but I taking it as a learning experience and learning how to not get those things to annoy me.

 

[JT47319]

Originally posted by Juan_Man
It would seem logical to me that a frienship is a necessary prerequisite because you and the girl will know each other in and out...

This is a myth.

It is quite easier to develop a friendship relationship after one has had a sexual, romantic relationship. It is much more difficult to establish a romantic one AFTER the fact.

 

[penkitten]

Re: Re: Friends First?

Originally posted by JT47319
This is a myth.

It is quite easier to develop a friendship relationship after one has had a sexual, romantic relationship. It is much more difficult to establish a romantic one AFTER the fact.

i agree

 

[JackPrescott]

Re: Re: Friends First?

Originally posted by JT47319
This is a myth.

It is quite easier to develop a friendship relationship after one has had a sexual, romantic relationship. It is much more difficult to establish a romantic one AFTER the fact.

This is true. Women have a weird "radar" or "mechanism" that instantly pegs males as "just friends" or "fXck material" and once you are in the dreaded "just friends" zone, theres no turning back.

 

[PRMoon]

If I'm interested in a girl i get very discouraged If I find myself veering towards the friends zone, and I'll alter my actions course accordingly.

Trying to conceive some grand scheme of becoming a friend and working your way up to boyfriend is a long and troubled road that often leads nowhere. You should go for the throat, make your intentions clear from the get go. If you want to learn about her weaknesses and strenghts and whatnot, then you should just talk to her randomly from time to time when you see her out and about, but even that can be longer then necessary.

No guts, no glory if you want a relationship to develop into an LTR, then you should logically start with building a relationship first, ie romantic and not as a friend.

 

[Juan_Man]

Re: Re: Re: Friends First?

Originally posted by JackPrescott
once you are in the dreaded "just friends" zone, theres no turning back.

Until you hit on one of her friends...

BTW, isn't there such a thing as a friend, who is neither in the friends zone nor in the friends with benefits category?

 

[spurnout]

psh...girl i screwed last night i've been friends with her for about a year now and i thought i was in the friends only zone until a couple nights ago when she shoved my hand down her pants and then last night we ****ed...go figure...i am probably a rarity though.

 

[Hellboy]

I think any good LTR must be based on a solid sexual attraction. Every LTR I have ever had has started with a purely physical nature.

Start as you mean to go on.

 

[Maybnoob]

Well your screwed if you fancy a girl and your in the friend zone.
You did not approach her in a romantic way from the beginning which has led you into the black hole that is friend zone where only skilled dj can escape. If she had some attraction for you at the beginning then you could have a chance. You need to be a man and tell her what she really wants from you. Dont just suddenly ask her out or somting, more than likely she will reject you. You need to spend less time with her, and when you do start becoming touchy feely, start acting in a way to make her attracted to you but i repeat do not ask her out. When you have done kino etc and made an image of a attractive guy so that your not completly seen as a unsexual friend. Then make your move. Remember make her atracted to you, dont just jump in and ask her out you will fail

 

[JT47319]

Re: Re: Re: Friends First?

Originally posted by JackPrescott
This is true. Women have a weird "radar" or "mechanism" that instantly pegs males as "just friends"

This isn't entirely too true or at least it needs further elucidation.

If *YOU* are *CONVEYING* friendship vibes by being nice, nonsexual then THAT is what the girls will pick up and peg you as.

If on the other hand, you are *CONVEYING* attractive qualities that she desires, then that is what she's going to pick up.

 

[JackPrescott]

Originally posted by Maybnoob
Well your screwed if you fancy a girl and your in the friend zone.
You did not approach her in a romantic way from the beginning which has led you into the black hole that is friend zone where only skilled dj can escape. You need to be a man and tell her what she really wants from you. Dont just suddenly ask her out or somting, more than likely she will reject you. You need to spend less time with her, and when you do start becoming touchy feely, start acting in a way to make her attracted to you but i repeat do not ask her out. When you have done kino etc and made an image of a attractive guy so that your not completly seen as a unsexual friend. Then make your move. Remember make her atracted to you, dont just jump in and ask her out you will fail

Yes and No.

IF a woman is sexually attracted to you, you stand a half a chance, but if there is no attraction, no amount of KINO or anything else aside from hitting the lottery will allow you to pull panties down.

 

[flyinshark]

I guess i am also a rarity here. I was friends with this girl in school for the whole semester (about 5 months). We played in the same soccer team, talked once in a while, nothing spectacular.

Then, on the last day of school, i found out that she was single and since i was also single, i asked her for her phone number, but she gave me her email. We emailed back and forth for a month and a half and then went out (to get to know each other better).

After a few goingouts we developed chemistry and kissed one night. That's when we became bf/gf and we stayed together for 3 months. She was my first gf, and the moments spent with her were great. So, i think it's possible to start off as friends and go deeper emotionally after knowing each other better.

 

[Lost In the Seas]

It IS possible, but you need to possess all the qualities she seeks in a bf, not to mention the conditioning you need, don't argue with her too much and always be in a good terms with her. So everytime she sees you or hears you she feels happy, and if situational emotion goes on, it may be thought as an attraction.

There are cases when a girl falls for her male best friend, it happens, girls are just unpredictable.

 

[Hound_of_Love]

Originally posted by Lost In the Seas
girls are just unpredictable. [/B]

Amen brother. That's it in a nutshell.

A lot of people on here have said that if you 'get out of the friendzone', it's because you were never in.

That's easy to say, but it uses its own qualifier as proof. How do I know I'm in the friendzone? Because I've never screwed her. How do I know I was never in the friendzone? Because I have screwed her. Not helpful...

Never pine for a girl who seems to have friendzoned you, but never count her out altogether.

 

[themanwithnoname]

juan man = afc.

 

[becker]

Re: Re: Friends First?

Originally posted by JT47319
This is a myth.

It is quite easier to develop a friendship relationship after one has had a sexual, romantic relationship. It is much more difficult to establish a romantic one AFTER the fact.

I think it can be more difficult to be friends after you've been intimate with a girl. It's awkward, unless both of you mutually and amicably agree to cut off the dating and just be friends. This only happens obviously if you both find that you're not really compatible as a couple but can be good friends (this to me is not a very likely scenario because if you were dating for any significant amount of time and you broke up, often it's lopsided, and one person still has feelings for the other, which can be pretty hurtful, and that person, when you're hanging out, may still try to be escalating things, sometimes successfully, leading to the post-breakup hookup). Anyways, the only way to pull it off is to convince yourself that the girl and you were not compatible. You need to focus on the negatives of the relationship, and if those negatives are amplified enough to the point where they overshadow the positives, you might have an easier time being just friends.

Either way though, the last girl I was dating I was platonic friends with, and we just flirted and I'd put my arm around her, and basically act interested, but never really verbalized it. She did things that made her seem interested in me as well, but we referred to each other as "friends", and we were, because we never kissed or anything. Then one night we went out and I kissed her, and she kissed back. It's how you act around the girl that counts, not the labels that you put on your relationship.

I'm now friends with this girl, although we are not considered close friends even though we've been intimate with each other, probably because there is this awkwardness because you aren't going to kiss or anything anymore, and it's like ignoring the obvious elephant in the room. If I ran into her and she was seeing some other guy, I'd be introduced as her "friend", and the guy would have absolutely no idea what our history was, because neither one of us would tell him. However, he'd be screwed because I think that once you've hooked up with a girl, that floodgate is opened and the possibility of doing it again increases dramatically. That's why for all you guys out there with girls who are friends with their exes, you'd better keep a close eye and don't be too trusting or naive, because the guy may very well be screwing your woman. Hate to be the bearer of bad tidings.

 

[Qualtran]

Re: Re: Re: Friends First?

Originally posted by becker
It's how you act around the girl that counts, not the labels that you put on your relationship.

This is very true! For the last few years I've pretty much always been dating someone, so knowing that I will move on to other girls, its been important to act the right way around potential future girlfriends.

My current situation is a good example:
About mid fall last year I started dating a girl and we became serious by december (We will call her X). At about the same time I became friends with another girl (call her N). I always knew I would eventually break things off with X, so when I met N, I knew immediately that N was a future prospect.

Over the course of the next few months of dating X, I kept in contact and hung out with N. When we hung out we did very datish things, but I never let anything happen beyond cuddling. At one point we went to the movies, and N asked, "Is this a date?" and I replied, "Sorry, it can't be because I have a girlfriend. Just friends."

So we were friends, but at the same time I made sure not to let things fall into the dreaded friends only forever zone. What ended up happening was that I decided I was ready to move on from X (I just got bored and uninterested), and now I'm seeing N.

And again, I'm doing the same thing now, with a potential future prospect in the lineup. I'm way way way more into N than I ever was X, but I think that regardless the situation, its good to have other options. Those other options can be friends as long as you go about it the right way.