Friend is dating my ex behind my back, what should I do?!?

[ForeverYoungDJ]

What's up guys, I've been lurking these forums for the past month or so after I broke up with my last ex. Reading all your guys' threads has helped a lot, and I thought I was finally getting over her and ready to move on, until I found out one of my good friends is dating my ex behind my back. The thing is, he didn't even want to tell me, my ex wanted to hide it from me, and it took one of our mutual friends to convince him that he had to tell me.

Some details, I dated my ex for 6 months, everything was good until I left to Shanghai to study abroad for 2 months. While I was over there, we still kept in touch. My ex and my friend hung out with mutual friends and then he started to like her. After I got back my ex's feelings changed and she decided she needed to be single. Because I thought she was a good person, I was civil, I didn't want her back cause she had issues, but I didn't hate her. She looked me in the eye and said there was nobody else, and like a fool I believed that. I always suspected my friend had a thing for her, so after we broke it off I asked him straight up if anything was going on and he said no. He said he only cared about my well-being and making sure I got back on my feet, and like a fool, I believed that too. He invited me to hang out, he checked up on me, I thought he was being legit but he was probably doing it to make himself feel less guilty. Now I found out from a mutual friend that he's liked her all along, that he promised he wouldn't do anything until way down the road, and the moment school starts up again, that bastard can't help himself and he made his move. My friend told me things just happened, but hell no, things just do magically happen, he's just being selfish, immature and a douchebag. It pisses me off that he would throw away years of friendship, alienate himself from all of our mutual friends for some girl who honestly has hella issues and isn't worth it.

So now, I honestly don't know what to do. I've never felt the way I do now, I've never felt betrayed like this before and I'm not sure how to go about it. Do I confront my ex. She always was pretty weak willed and undecisive and I could probably make her feel terrible. I don't know if it would solve anything but it would make me feel better. I seriously wanna take back my stuff and burn it in her face. Do I confront my friend. Seriously he's being a douchebag and what he did is unforgivable. Or do I just ignore them, let the shady people do their thing and just move on. Like I'm normally a really happy and optimistic person, and when bad things happen, I try to take the good out of it and learn from the bad, but in this scenario, I don't know anything I can get out of it. It seems like a lot of the stuff I thought was real and dear to me was all a lie and a waste.

So please, tell me what I should do in this situation. I wanna move on as quickly as possible. It pisses me off that I finally got over the break up and now old wounds are opened up and salt is being rubbed onto them. Should I just start dating around, even if it might be a rebound. Should I tell all of our mutual friends so they hate on my friend and my ex. Should I just cut them out and wish them well. I seriously don't know, but whatever advice you give me, I will take it to heart and do my best to follow it. I honestly just want to move on, learn from this and never have to deal with this kind of pain again. Thanks guys.

 

[Warrior74]

As a friend he should have come to you to get the okay. I've had friends date my ex's and that's what they did. It may have stung a bit, but at least they were man enough to say what they wanted. I always gave them my blessing because honestly what else can you do? "No you can't date my EX girl" is not really an option.

I wouldn't go blasting out publicly to all my friends, they probably know the deal anyway, but that's me. I wouldn't even bother to speak to her. She's your ex, so she's not the issue. This is between men. That being said, I would sit down with him and talk to him man to man about it. Go have a beer, and tell him what you think and that you can't continue being friends with him. I would expect him to get defensive, argumentative or even confrontational. If he's really a punk, I'd expect him to decline your offer all together and avoid you. He knows the deal. This will show you what sort of man he really is.

Some would advocate just walking away, but these days I'm all about dealing with people and getting it all out and over with. So take my info with a grain of salt and do what you think is best for you. If you can't handle yourself calmly with this guy...you might want to wait a while and cool off before you talk to him. Don't go in hotheaded.

Good luck.

 

[pingpongz]

Friends shouldn't do that without letting you know first... Sit him down and say "Look buddy i dont mind you dating my ex, but you should of let me know first, by the way i gave her aids"

:yes:

 

[L.A. Tripp]

First of all, sure the guy definitely should have let you know first, but if you were really over her and didn't want to be with her again, as you say, it shouldn't bother you THIS much.

Obviously you are not over her to the extent you say you are. If she has all those issues and you feel better off without those issues, by all means LET him deal with those issues with her.

As was said, your friends most likely ALL already know the deal, even if they don't say anything. The thing is, THEY either don't want to be in the middle OR they don't want to rub salt into your wound.

Either way, you should definitely sit down with HIM, and talk to him, get this out in the open, see what his reaction is. If you still want to be friends with him, cool, work it out. But if this deal is hurting you THIS much, you haven't dealt with your feelings for her, and that's on YOU. If you really don't want her back, then let her go.

 

[sexy_kuta]

look at it this way, Hes doing YOU a favor.

shes your ex girl cuz you're on with the next girl, let it go.
If he was your friend and cared/respected your feelings, he WOULD have told you or asked you, either way, he would have bought it up some sort of form.

now, pick your friends much wiser next time,
dont even flip out on him, thats a sign if insecurity. you aint dating her, you got no strings attatched to her.
be the bigger man. THE reason your ex wanted to hide it with ur friend is because she still thinks your a puzzy and you gonna freak out and break down. but you wont, because i know you wont. you're better than that. so show them. smile when you see them, act like it doesnt bother you, because it SHOULDNT. MOVE ON.
SHOW them you've moved on and found better.
its like a pair of socks.. you wear a pair for a day or two... then the third day, would u wear them again? when you got a BASKET full of fresh clean socks.. why would u wear the same ones again?
throw her away like a dirty pair of socks!

i wouldnt even sit down with him, or talk to him. he already did it. somehow he picked a chick over you and to me that SPELLS alot. so dont bother sitting down with him and talking. hes going to feed you bs.
i dunno about you two but to me, its bros before hoes always

 

[ForeverYoungDJ]

I guess I'm not gonna lie, I'm still not completely over my ex, but I was getting a lot better, I wasn't thinking about it as much, I was flirting with other girls, hitting the gym and ready to get back in the game. After we broke up, I told her how I felt, then I cut her out of my life, no contact for the last month or so because I needed distance. She's the type of girl who wants to avoid confrontation and doesn't talk about her feelings, very emotionally detached sometimes, I had to force the break up on her, otherwise she would've just kept going along with it even though things weren't ok. She doesn't like dealing with the consequences of her actions and is just immature. But now I see she's bad news, and why would I want to associate myself with someone like that. She's no good for me, I shouldn't want her back and I'm gonna do my best to let her go.

My friend on the other hand, I seriously thought he had my back. We've had a lot of good times and memories, and it pisses me off that I couldn't see what a snake this guy really was. How can I be friends with someone who has no problem screwing me over like this. We saw this happen to another one of our friends a year ago and saw how bad that turned out. He is not stupid and well aware of what's gonna happen between us, yet he did that anyway. If I sit down and talk with him, I'm not even sure what I would say, I don't know how I wouldn't blow up at him for being such a douchebag. It's hard to deal with a break up as it is, but to be constantly reminded that my friend doesn't care is a tough pill to swallow. Seriously, it's not like I can test my friends loyalty, how do I know who my real friends are, and the ones who are friends out of convenience. Although it opens me eyes, it makes me realize a lot of people are just shady and it makes me cynical and I don't want to be that bitter, cynical guy who can't get over this years from now.

 

[ForeverYoungDJ]

Would it be so bad to start dating again immediately, even if it might be a rebound? What about going to parties and dancing and hooking up with other girls.

 

[WC2]

Confronting him or her is not the answer. This is will get you nowhere. ZIP.

Move on with your life and find new women/friends. You made a bad character judgment on this girl/your friend and there's little you can do about it now.

Realize that "true" love doesn't come that easy and in most cases is just a sham (especially if you're young). Women's emotions move like the wind and can be swayed very easily by another man. Harness this power to sway women's emotions, but just remember that if she starts messing with your emotions, that's where you draw the line.

A real man thinks forward and proceeds without letting others get in his way. He's thoughtful to others, but never lets them sway his beliefs or feelings unless he is dead wrong. Believe in yourself and you'll be on a better path to finding other women and friends.

 

[Aragon034]

why are you stressing so much? by your own wordss she's got issues, let your "friend" deal with them now.

maybe back in the days when i actually gave 2 ****s, i'd be concerned and a bit offended. But if someone i called a "friend" flat out lies to me, then **** em both.

You just keep going forward, every day that you waste thinking about this is a day less in the rest of your life.

 

[( . )( . )]

Well , going by your short essay here, I'd say the poor bastard didnt tell you for the obvious reason he didnt want to be bored to death.

 

[KontrollerX]

Friends that do that aren't friends.

Get this guy and this cvnt the fvck out of your life.

Neither can be trusted.

It saddens me to see so many young people not being able to make friends that are worth a damn these days and actually worthy of the word "friend".

The "friends" I see so many Sosuavers mention at times ridicule them, fvck their ex girlfriends, fvck their current girlfriends, fvck their wives, steal money from them and on and on it goes.

For Christ sakes people learn the qualities and traits of what a friend is supposed to actually be before continuing to associate with a person who may infact actually be an opportunistic scumbag user.

I'd argue most young people these days don't have real friends but rather aquaintances they mistakenly refer to as friends or people they hang out with that really have no loyalties at all to them.

A real friend is supposed to be loyal, trustworthy and someone who has your back, someone you can depend on and have fun with and vice versa.

Not someone thats going to prey on you and take the things that are yours when you are vulnerable to attack.

 

[Alle_Gory]

Not cool. A heads up would have been respectful.

 

[ForeverYoungDJ]

Basically I got a call from one of their friends, and basically my ex cheated on me, and this has been going on a lot longer then i thought, does that change anything?

 

[L.A. Tripp]

Your "ex" cheated on you. Do you mean she f.cked around AFTER you split, or CHEATED while you were together?

Either way though, at this point, you're done with her, right? So, what WOULD change?

 

[DonGorgon]

The key word in this thread is "EX" as in ex-girlfriend , yes she is a slut and there is a 75% chance she Fed him while you were with her.. but that is not the point cause you have moved on and have gathered many new females to have fun with ..right!?

Oh an about your friend... dont hold it against him he is just a normal desperate human male and very little can make him say no to P$$Y not even friendship.. YOu realy expect him to say no to her PU$$ cause you were in there first??? GEt over it

NOTE: mOst females you date will wanna F at least 2 of your friends...

 

[ForeverYoungDJ]

I'm confronting the guy tomorrow, any tips on how I should approach it and what I should say. I only wanna do this once, and then cut both of them out of my life, any advice would be appreciated thanks.

 

[SharinganUser]

You know what you have to say. I also think you should fight him.

Just to clarify things, You broke up with her after you got home from Shanghai, correct?

On another note, what the hell are ya doing going to asia while you have a GF, YA DON'T BRING A SANDWICH TO A BUFFET!!

 

[ForeverYoungDJ]

Yes, I broke up with her after I got back from Shanghai. I don't know what she was doing behind my back, just that things were cool when we talked until I got back and she was acting weird. I went to Shanghai because it's something I wanted to do for myself, it was a once in a lifetime experience and I had a blast and have no regrets. No girl is worth sacrificing the things you want to do, and if she's not ok with it, she's selfish and not worth my time.

 

[ForeverYoungDJ]

I ended up confronting my friend, got the truth out of him, made it known that what he was doing was messed up. He tried to rationalize it, saying how this happens all the time, that everyone has red flags and that he didn't want this to happen. Not good enough for me, he still was trying to make excuses and not own up to what he did. I told him he failed miserably as a friend, he's a waste of my time and that I was erasing him from my life, from now on we're strangers. He asked me if that was wanted I really wanted, as if I was supposed to just forgive him and get over it, screw that.

Time to move on with my life, pick my friends better and focus on making myself happy and being the best I can possibly be.

 

[SharinganUser]

Good. But next time you go overseas, make sure you're single.