FR: I choked today

[rocky_mtn]

OK, I've been on a good wave and have a HB 8.5 with a couple of dates and another chick with a couple of phone convos and interest.

But today I'm bored and go out to do some errands. Stop by the coffee shop for a latte and and try to meet some more women. I see a HB 6.5 sitting inside working on her laptop computer. She looked at me as I ordered. But then I got my coffee to go and walked out, I saw her turn to stare again as I walked by. But I kept on walking out, thinking I should have sat down and talked to her. But I didn't. I usually meet chicks out at bars, with the help of some liquid courage. I tried the coffee shop pickup before with no success but really good game. Today I just froze up, anxiety and avoidance. I'll have to remedy this by going out and doing the daytime coffee shop picks up again, but there isn't always good targets, so I passed up one today and regret it. Well I guess I'll turn regrets into a learning experience.

Its tough keeping this up, especially as a recently rAFC.

Do you guys get ups and downs, and how do you deal with it?

 

[MrCode]

I tell myself "everyone has ups and downs, and this too shall pass." It always does.

 

[zafuhunter]

ups and downs

rocky,

thanks for the advice on my approach journal regarding simple small talk. I'll let the idea percolate and see if I can start working it into my approaches.

As for your dilemma, I've definitely choked more times than I would like to remember. The one thing that has been really helping me is to have a firm commitment to make a certain number of approaches per day. It doesn't have to be a high number at all. Currently, I am shooting for 2 approaches a day with the mid-term goal of 40 approaches by the end of July. By making some sort of quota for yourself you will be consciously looking out for opportunities to make approaches throughout the day and you will be more likely to act when an opportunity presents itself.

Another way to keep your motivation up is to use rewards and punishments. So for example, if you meet your targets you are allowed to do something you enjoy doing (i.e. playing video games, watching tv, talking to friends, wanking) and if you miss them you aren't allowed to do your preferred activity that day. You could also set up bigger rewards/punishments like if you miss your weekly quota then you aren't allowed to drink any beer that weekend.

Keep at it, channel the frustration into action, and remember to have fun!

 

[rocky_mtn]

I tell myself "everyone has ups and downs, and this too shall pass." It always does.

I know, but I've gone for more than a year on a down and I can't waste my life away like that.

I appreciate the advice and there's more to it. When I'm on its great, but when I'm off I have no game and the total AFC.

I guess the best thing is to improve the inner self to improve the outer game.

Working the whole game seems like an emotional rollercoaster, probably why I've avoided it most of my life.

Ok, need to keep reminding myself of no more afc bs.

 

[rocky_mtn]

rocky,

thanks for the advice on my approach journal regarding simple small talk. I'll let the idea percolate and see if I can start working it into my approaches.

....

Keep at it, channel the frustration into action, and remember to have fun!

thanks for the advice, its good to find some people on this board who are intelligent and give good recommendations and support. MrCode too. Thats why I usually post in this section instead of DJ advice.

I like the idea of setting goals for an approach a day or at least an approach when I go out, then there won't be question about whether or not to do it. Meeting the goals makes it natural instead of the whole unnatural anxiety thing of approaching a stranger.

Thanks guys.

 

[MrCode]

I imagine you know enough now to realize how important inner game is. Once you get your inner game handled a lot of other things become much easier.

But the thing is, getting your inner game handled to become a real man takes time. Do you think 20 or 30 years of hard core social programming can be changed in a few months? The important thing is to make improving yourself a habit, and as long as you make gradual step-by-step improvements, you will eventually reach your goal (you do have a goal, right?)

For example in my case my inner game is pretty good now (not perfect, but much better than my AFC days.) It took me years to get here. At times I wouldn't do anything related to improving with women. But I still think during those times things were percolating in my head and I was still changing and improving.

One of the most important concepts I discovered (from multiple sources) for self improvement was simply: what you think, you become. This is the core idea of the classic "Think and Grow Rich", it is an important component of "Psychocybernetics" (another classic) and I've also seen this in self help audio material as well as from good old David DeAngelo of Double Your Dating fame.

This is a solid concept and one you must believe.

 

[rocky_mtn]

Yep, my inner game is in turmoil, I'm unemployed right now, my company shut down. So the last couple of months I got on the DJ program and meeting women, but the inevitable "so what do you do" comes up and I'm like 'yea I'm in between jobs' comes up (and drinking and hitting on women). I'm still working it, but it is a neg on me.

Funny though, since my company shut down, I've lost 15 pounds, got a new wardrobe, and been socializing like I was in college but much wiser now, been exercising and have a very low stress level, so its not all bad, its just not where I want to be.

I hear you about the inner game/goals, and years of AFCness have taken its toll. But my new level of confidence will help me find a new job and keep my inner game strong.

I'll go for a week or two of solid inner game, exercising, being social, meeting women, but then slip for several weeks with wasting time on the internet, whacking off, getting wasted all the time and being anti-social.

I'll check out the books you recommended.

 

[tmpgstx]

Yo Rocko, work on improving yourself and they will come out of the woodwork. This can't be stressed enough. Get your ducks in a row, work on body language and being charming.

When this occurs, it's much easier to seduce a girl because she WANTS to be seduced! You know this because she let's you know in one way or another.

You're gonna feel shytty approaching. You might as well be selling insurance door to door. You'll get those kinds of results. Are you a salesmen? I doubt it.

 

[zafuhunter]

inner game and outer goals

rocky,

I fully agree with everyone that inner game is something worth developing. I find there is a paucity of advice on specifically how to go about changing one's inner game though. It is great to decide to be confident but the decision to be so hardly makes you feel or think differently. Based on my personal experience I would strongly suggest you do two things.

(1) Check out Feeling Good and Intimate Connections by David Burns and/or Rational Guide to Living and The Single Man's Guide to Sex by Albert Ellis. All of these books were tremendously valuable in giving me specific, concrete exercises for changing my habitual thought patterns and subsequent emotions.
(2) Don't underestimate the power of action to change thoughts and feelings. Working out, socializing with people whose company you simply enjoy, doing something to give back to the world, and having goal-oriented hobbies/activities all serve to build confidence and keep a person in a positive state of mind.

Real inner game is about more than just being able to handle the ups and downs of the game. It is about having a deep-seated acceptance of who you are and goals that give your life coherence. If you focus on these two simple objectives having inner game with women will become a natural by-product.