Existential
Don Juan
FR: How I Compelled my Ex's Best Friend to Seduce Me (Part I)
Introduction
This is the second of a series of three Field Reports. The specific aim of the series is to demonstrate the fallacy of several common presuppositions that men hold. I have chosen three personal events from the past several months to demonstrate.
The presupposition targeted for this FR? Quite simply, women are more loyal than men and will choose their friends over potential mates.
This presupposition is aggravated by the fact that when women go to a bar and are hit on, if their friend(s) is/are not having a good time, then she will go back to her friends rather than talking with the potential suitor. Contrast this to how typical men act at a bar; they ignore or downright compete with their friends for the attention of the women.
But, does this hold true as relationships progress? I think not.
To clarify, I don't think men or women, as groups, are particularly more trustworthy or loyal than the other. I think individuals need to be judged on their own merits and, while statistical data can certainly be helpful, one can never model human behavior in absolutes. This FR is simply one case that shows what is possible.
The Breakup (Background)
In the beginning, like many people, my Ex and I had an amazing relationship. I enjoyed her company and truly looked forward to spending time with her. It wasn't that I simply agreed to not see anyone else; I didn't want to see anyone else. Within a week of us meeting she was spending virtually every night at my house. We spent a lot of time together.
But, like all things, it came to an end. There were several drivers, but, the proverbial straw was a threesome gone astray. The breakup was not pretty. Hurtful things were said and done from both sides.
Initial MySpace Game
When the breakup was finalized, the last person I expected to hear from was her best friend. She friend requested me on MySpace the very next day and then after I responded with a, "Interesting time to find my profile", letter, she wrote back. Her letter initially took upon an empathetic frame, but, it soon became obvious that she had an ulterior motive of telling me off.
I always new u had a myspace, Ex had told me. I just didn't have a myspace page (I could log in only) but that was it. Then a client told me to start a facebook page, not all my friends have facebook so I started a myspace page too! So now I have both to run.
Anyway, I know things have been rough for u and I'm sorry it didn't workout with Ex. We all have been there at one time or another in life. I really don't enjoy seeing anyone hurt, including u. I hope things are going better for u, and the whole reason I contacted u is to make u realize. I know u probably have already pre-judged me, but I just wanted to tell u that things are not always what they seem. Just because I look a certain way doesn't mean I am a certain way. I do care about people and thats why I've contacted u. Just because u and Ex didn't work out, it doesn't mean I need to avoid u and I don't want u to be afraid to approach me. If anything I thought u seemed like a nice guy, not many are left, I've experienced it myself. Have a good day! HBBestFriend
p.s thanks for reading my novel! I got carried away alittle......lol
I immediate knew what had happened. I had never spoken ill of HBBestFriend, and, in fact, had stuck up for her on two occasions where my Ex was clearly in the wrong. The only logical conclusion? My Ex was trying to solidify her ranks and minimize the contact that any of her social circle would have with me by telling HBBestFriend that I was talking poorly about her.
Minor Side Note
Now, I've been getting a ton of e-mails and private messages asking me about social warfare. This is NOT what I am all about. But, I want neither myself nor any of my students to ever be socially manipulated. Thus, social warfare is an auxillary system which is considered disjoint to the core curriculum.
Social Warfare: A social warfare situation is a social situation in which lowering the value of a given person or persons around you is positively correlated with either maintaining your current value or increasing it.
Thus, I find myself in a position where I must engage in social warfare. If I do not, my reputation could be irrevocably altered. I do not want people believing whatever lies my Ex construes. The first order of business? Nullify her credibility.
Back to 'Initial MySpace Game': Giving HBBestFriend Doubt
What my Ex failed to consider is that she had ACTUALLY told me a secret about HBBestFriend. What this secret is was unimportant for this post and I won't be sharing it. The important point is that I didn't attack HBBestFriend. Instead, I told her to question the credibility of her source and told that I knew the secret. Furthermore, I 'connected' the dots for her. "Well, HBBestFriend, I know this is shameful, and I know you will respond with something to the effect of denying it. That's ok. I'll never bring it up again, I'm not judging you. However, I implore you to ask yourself the following question: 'How else would Existential be privy to this information'?" My frame is, "It's sad that you've been misled." It is congruent with both my internal state and social reality, and so, it is a very strong frame.
This works like a charm. As forecasted, HBBestfriend writes me back denying the validity of the secret. There is now a crack. HBBestFriend will always have an 'excuse' to do something that will be less than optimal in terms of her relationship with my Ex. Why? She can mentally justify it with the fact that her best friend betrayed her. No one likes to look like or feel like a bad person, and, had I simply attempted a traditional seduction on her, she would have likely made the logical decision to cut it off from the getgo to avoid feelings of guilt. Now? She feels 'ok' to let it progress.
Giving HBBestFriend The Best Option
HBBestFriend recently had a breakup too. I take the opportunity to continue the thread on relationships and explain my thoughts and opinions on what they are all about.
Here is a vital point that is rooted in NLP. When you vividly describe something to somebody they can't help but imagine it. The degree to which they are suceptible to being influenced by it is contingent upon many factors. However, the easiest is to force them into a more conscious state. Most people walk through the world on autopilot UNTIL they are presented with a situation that makes them think, "What the hell?" At that point, they can no longer act on autopilot and they have to think. It's in this state that beliefs are most often changed. This is one of the reasons why the quirky openers of the community find so much success. The girl is forced off autopilot (blowing off the chump) and must think about a response.
Anyway, I describe my view of relationships. How does this relate to the previous paragraph? HBBestFriend thinks about her and I in such a relationship because I am the one describing it. She has to. It's like if someone were to suddenly walk up to you and say, "Imagine having sex with your mother." You certainly don't want to do it, but, the mental image pops up. Sleeping with one's mother is not an enjoyable thought (Unless, perhaps your Oedipus), having the perfect relationship is; this is very powerful and the thought of it has been linked to me in HBBestFriend's mind. My frame is, "This is what I am looking for. I'm not assuming or even seeking to find out if you could offer it. I'm simply relating my personal opinion."
(At this point, some might be wondering how I put her into a higher state of consciousness. If I had simply say, "well I do this, this and that" she would have thought, "well, that's nice" and autopiloted response. The fact that I used flowery descriptions along a logical framework and elicited deep value is what did the trick.)
She writes back:
Nice letter, I actually think it would make a nice blog on your myspace.(You might have to tweek it slightly so its not in letter form).Anyway as crazy as it sounds I actually do understand.Not because of my last relationship....lol(actually I think the reason I put up with him is because he filled a void I had for someone else,if that makes sense).
Like u I had someone that I really fell for and that I would do anything for.As life would have it though he didn't know what he wanted and still to this day I don't think he does...lol.I still talk to him periodically, but in some ways I wish he would'nt talk to me(I think if he didn't talk to me, it would make it easier for me to move on ).Everytime I talk to him its a constant reminder of how much I miss being with him and it kinda depresses me.I find myself compairing eveyone to him.So actually even though it didn't end well between u two,(because of your feelings) in a way I think it will make it easier for u in the end to move on.Although its easy to get down about it,I always remind myself that....Good and bad,everything happens for a reason.
Now on the note of *name of club*(we must be on the same wavelength...lol).I was actually thinking of going this Thursday.So heck yeah...I will see ya there!..lol.I'm sure I will stalk u at one point...lol
Have a goodnite!HBBestFriend
Unfortunately, SoSuave cuts off anything more than 10,000 characters. I'll post Part II soon.
