[Obviously, this turned out long. Some people like the details because it helps them to relate. I've bolded important parts for those, like me, who prefer to skim.]
A lot of chattering on here lately about how most posters are all talk and no action. I think Solomon likes to call them keyboard jockeys. It can confuse some of the new members who came here with a genuine interest in self-improvement... Makes them wonder, "Did I come to the right place?"
For all the keyboard jockeys and bitter, angry dudes with emotional baggage on here, there is a wealth of knowledge that can improve your game and better your life. I am one of those guys who took what he learned here, put it into practice, and got results.
My interactions with women and overall well being are much improved this year, but I share this story in particular because most of us were driven to this site by that one woman we were hung up on -- that one up on a pedestal, wondering if we could ever get her? The answer is yes, but not before you improve yourself first.
This is how I turned my oneitis into just another plate I'm banging.
BACKSTORY
West Philadelphia, born and raised...
Actually, it's a pretty standard tale. Developed huge feelings and was super beta about it - this girl was a prize, I chased, she pulled away.
We would eventually go out on some dates but I was such wussy about it I just wanted to push for that LTR because I was convinced she was oh so perfect. Ha!
I always thought if we could just start dating it would be amazing... but it felt like crap. I was putting out so many beta vibes that she kept a healthy distance... Took forever to text back (I'd react to that)... Be unavailable (I'd feel ignored, rejected)... Rejecting my advances beyond second base (I'd feel shut down, upset, but I'd concede)... She was just living her life, seemingly content not to have me in it while I was putting in all the effort.
Finally, there was my tipping point. I listened to that feeling in my gut that told me this wasn't right, and googled the things that were bothering me. Probably something along the lines of, "what to do when she doesn't text back" or "should I drop her if she doesn't put effort in."
I came here and through some reading quickly discovered that my story was not at all unique. I did not just blindly take the advice on here and cut her... There were just certain things that rang true - those steps that you already know deep down are the ones you should be taking, those mistakes that deep down you knew you were making, you just needed it all laid out in print.
At the start of the year I went full no contact. The last I heard from her was a text, reacting to me deleting her off facebook:
"I don't get you."
SELF-IMPROVEMENT
I was tired of feeling like I was chasing the prize. I never thought of myself as someone with self-esteem issues... at times I've been accused of being outright arrogant... but I'd get into these oneitis situations like the one described, and I would just totally be at the mercy of another person. I'd feel like crap and it would spill over into other aspects of my life.
Well, no more. I did the following:
-Counseling. I know this is not for everyone - and people who have never done it before are probably quick to mock it - but if you feel STUCK... if you WANT to make the changes but the gears just aren't turning, I highly recommend talk therapy.
I didn't have severe emotional issues. No baggage with my parents, no abuse, no addictions, etc. I just wanted to change my way of thinking and needed a guide, so I did some research online and found a psychologist whose mission statement included, "I believe that my clients already have the answers within themselves."
What we were able to accomplish together was changing my thinking patterns. I used to overthink and chase negative thoughts down a rabbit hole until I was paralyzed with anxiety... Now, I still get negative thoughts, but I just kind of notice them and don't go down the rabbit hole.
-Joined a gym. I've never, in my adult life, been out of shape. I'm also not a jock type, I hate bros, and have no interest in the bodybuilding culture... but my psychologist recommended it and I was trying everything at that point.
I had dabbled in working out in the past but always stopped because I didn't get results right away. I was so impatient, as I was in every facet of life. This time I stuck with it. Nothing crazy, just three days a week... and once I saw the results to my body, my mind (I actually feel down if I miss a gym day), and the way women would notice me and interact with me... wow, no going back.
The number one benefit I've seen from putting on muscle... Nobody tries to take advantage of me anymore. Socially, I might've occasionally been talked down to (even if it wasn't intentional). In the workplace, I'd maybe be spoken to in a certain way or asked to do things that made me feel like I was below these individuals. I notice this has all but vanished and people around me almost act as if they are worried they'll upset me... maybe because, somewhere deep down, there's at least the tiniest notion that I might kick their ass
-Read stuff online, like SoSuave. Again, not everything on here is for me. I just absorbed the material I did identify with. For me, I most closely identified with The Book Of Pook because he put the focus on YOU, improving for YOURSELF. Because I was reading stuff that I already believed in deep down, it was easy for me to internalize things and develop game.
Weeks and months passed and, soon enough, that clingy, beta guy described in the backstory was a distant memory. Now, I can't even imagine attaching my self worth to a woman.
-Being unapologetically me. I think this comes with being 29 as well. At this point, I just know who I am. It was through the other steps above that helped me to accept who that person is.
Just look at how all of the above changed how I was perceived when walking into a room... I was never trying to act a certain way or achieve a certain goal, never trying to impress anyone... Because my mind was quiet from all the counseling and internal work, I had a calming presence... Because I went to the gym, I'd stand there with a strong, confident posture... Because I studied game on SoSuave etc., I never had anyone on a pedestal.
Oh, and no more of this trying to please or impress people also resulted in a very key change: I stopped talking so damn much. All of a sudden, I was "mysterious."
-Spun plates. I had to do all of the other steps before I could get to here. It's probably the number one piece of advice given on this site, and with good reason. It's so funny to read the above backstory... how I would always think, "If only I could be so LUCKY to sleep with this girl" and how she would always shoot me down.
That was some relationship-chasing, beta ghost of my former self. Now, I always escalate to sex ASAP. I NEVER bring up exclusivity. Frankly, I don't want to be exclusive right now because I'm having too much fun with different women.
I've gone from hoping my oneitis would be oh so kind as to grant me the gift of her presence to taking girls by the hand at the bar and leading them back to my place to bang it out. I think of one current plate in particular who I pushed as far as I could sexually on the first date, and she just loved it. A couple dates later we banged and she still raves about how much of an "animal" I am.
Oh, and a girl who is interested in you won't confuse you. As soon as I detect a red flag or mixed signal, I pull wayyyy back and next completely if necessary. High interest girls only, please.
RETURN OF THE GIRL
Predictably, all this ignoring made the once-oneitis girl curious. It did in fact take months, but she started texting me. By this time, I had different plates on the go and had no interest in feeding her ego. I also had some pretty good text game...
Text game was what really initiated the flipping of the script. Whereas once I would text and she'd take hours to respond, I would now take as long as I pleased and she would often double-text if I took too long to write back! Man was this girl's hamster spinning. With all my plates, I only use texts to setup dates, I keep things short and to the point and it seems to drive them wild.
One day the girl was doing her silly ol chit-chat, fluff texting and I had enough. We were either going to fck or we were no longer communicating. I told her to come over one night with a bottle of wine and she did.
DATING THE GIRL
The changes in this relationship dynamic were pretty clear. As above, I notice I would now tell her what the plans are and she would always comply. Previously, I'd always be asking her to do stuff and she'd quite often make excuses with no counter-offer. I was leading. Her behavior made it clear to me: this is what she'd always wanted.
Taking charge and pushing for sex was working great. We'd fool around and have fun. Ever since we started up again, she clearly noticed the changes I made to my body - always feeling my arms and chest. But we all knew my strong frame would eventually be tested by a girl who once had me by the balls, and so came...
A lot of chattering on here lately about how most posters are all talk and no action. I think Solomon likes to call them keyboard jockeys. It can confuse some of the new members who came here with a genuine interest in self-improvement... Makes them wonder, "Did I come to the right place?"
For all the keyboard jockeys and bitter, angry dudes with emotional baggage on here, there is a wealth of knowledge that can improve your game and better your life. I am one of those guys who took what he learned here, put it into practice, and got results.
My interactions with women and overall well being are much improved this year, but I share this story in particular because most of us were driven to this site by that one woman we were hung up on -- that one up on a pedestal, wondering if we could ever get her? The answer is yes, but not before you improve yourself first.
This is how I turned my oneitis into just another plate I'm banging.
BACKSTORY
West Philadelphia, born and raised...
Actually, it's a pretty standard tale. Developed huge feelings and was super beta about it - this girl was a prize, I chased, she pulled away.
We would eventually go out on some dates but I was such wussy about it I just wanted to push for that LTR because I was convinced she was oh so perfect. Ha!
I always thought if we could just start dating it would be amazing... but it felt like crap. I was putting out so many beta vibes that she kept a healthy distance... Took forever to text back (I'd react to that)... Be unavailable (I'd feel ignored, rejected)... Rejecting my advances beyond second base (I'd feel shut down, upset, but I'd concede)... She was just living her life, seemingly content not to have me in it while I was putting in all the effort.
Finally, there was my tipping point. I listened to that feeling in my gut that told me this wasn't right, and googled the things that were bothering me. Probably something along the lines of, "what to do when she doesn't text back" or "should I drop her if she doesn't put effort in."
I came here and through some reading quickly discovered that my story was not at all unique. I did not just blindly take the advice on here and cut her... There were just certain things that rang true - those steps that you already know deep down are the ones you should be taking, those mistakes that deep down you knew you were making, you just needed it all laid out in print.
At the start of the year I went full no contact. The last I heard from her was a text, reacting to me deleting her off facebook:
"I don't get you."
SELF-IMPROVEMENT
I was tired of feeling like I was chasing the prize. I never thought of myself as someone with self-esteem issues... at times I've been accused of being outright arrogant... but I'd get into these oneitis situations like the one described, and I would just totally be at the mercy of another person. I'd feel like crap and it would spill over into other aspects of my life.
Well, no more. I did the following:
-Counseling. I know this is not for everyone - and people who have never done it before are probably quick to mock it - but if you feel STUCK... if you WANT to make the changes but the gears just aren't turning, I highly recommend talk therapy.
I didn't have severe emotional issues. No baggage with my parents, no abuse, no addictions, etc. I just wanted to change my way of thinking and needed a guide, so I did some research online and found a psychologist whose mission statement included, "I believe that my clients already have the answers within themselves."
What we were able to accomplish together was changing my thinking patterns. I used to overthink and chase negative thoughts down a rabbit hole until I was paralyzed with anxiety... Now, I still get negative thoughts, but I just kind of notice them and don't go down the rabbit hole.
-Joined a gym. I've never, in my adult life, been out of shape. I'm also not a jock type, I hate bros, and have no interest in the bodybuilding culture... but my psychologist recommended it and I was trying everything at that point.
I had dabbled in working out in the past but always stopped because I didn't get results right away. I was so impatient, as I was in every facet of life. This time I stuck with it. Nothing crazy, just three days a week... and once I saw the results to my body, my mind (I actually feel down if I miss a gym day), and the way women would notice me and interact with me... wow, no going back.
The number one benefit I've seen from putting on muscle... Nobody tries to take advantage of me anymore. Socially, I might've occasionally been talked down to (even if it wasn't intentional). In the workplace, I'd maybe be spoken to in a certain way or asked to do things that made me feel like I was below these individuals. I notice this has all but vanished and people around me almost act as if they are worried they'll upset me... maybe because, somewhere deep down, there's at least the tiniest notion that I might kick their ass
-Read stuff online, like SoSuave. Again, not everything on here is for me. I just absorbed the material I did identify with. For me, I most closely identified with The Book Of Pook because he put the focus on YOU, improving for YOURSELF. Because I was reading stuff that I already believed in deep down, it was easy for me to internalize things and develop game.
Weeks and months passed and, soon enough, that clingy, beta guy described in the backstory was a distant memory. Now, I can't even imagine attaching my self worth to a woman.
-Being unapologetically me. I think this comes with being 29 as well. At this point, I just know who I am. It was through the other steps above that helped me to accept who that person is.
Just look at how all of the above changed how I was perceived when walking into a room... I was never trying to act a certain way or achieve a certain goal, never trying to impress anyone... Because my mind was quiet from all the counseling and internal work, I had a calming presence... Because I went to the gym, I'd stand there with a strong, confident posture... Because I studied game on SoSuave etc., I never had anyone on a pedestal.
Oh, and no more of this trying to please or impress people also resulted in a very key change: I stopped talking so damn much. All of a sudden, I was "mysterious."
-Spun plates. I had to do all of the other steps before I could get to here. It's probably the number one piece of advice given on this site, and with good reason. It's so funny to read the above backstory... how I would always think, "If only I could be so LUCKY to sleep with this girl" and how she would always shoot me down.
That was some relationship-chasing, beta ghost of my former self. Now, I always escalate to sex ASAP. I NEVER bring up exclusivity. Frankly, I don't want to be exclusive right now because I'm having too much fun with different women.
I've gone from hoping my oneitis would be oh so kind as to grant me the gift of her presence to taking girls by the hand at the bar and leading them back to my place to bang it out. I think of one current plate in particular who I pushed as far as I could sexually on the first date, and she just loved it. A couple dates later we banged and she still raves about how much of an "animal" I am.
Oh, and a girl who is interested in you won't confuse you. As soon as I detect a red flag or mixed signal, I pull wayyyy back and next completely if necessary. High interest girls only, please.
RETURN OF THE GIRL
Predictably, all this ignoring made the once-oneitis girl curious. It did in fact take months, but she started texting me. By this time, I had different plates on the go and had no interest in feeding her ego. I also had some pretty good text game...
Text game was what really initiated the flipping of the script. Whereas once I would text and she'd take hours to respond, I would now take as long as I pleased and she would often double-text if I took too long to write back! Man was this girl's hamster spinning. With all my plates, I only use texts to setup dates, I keep things short and to the point and it seems to drive them wild.
One day the girl was doing her silly ol chit-chat, fluff texting and I had enough. We were either going to fck or we were no longer communicating. I told her to come over one night with a bottle of wine and she did.
DATING THE GIRL
The changes in this relationship dynamic were pretty clear. As above, I notice I would now tell her what the plans are and she would always comply. Previously, I'd always be asking her to do stuff and she'd quite often make excuses with no counter-offer. I was leading. Her behavior made it clear to me: this is what she'd always wanted.
Taking charge and pushing for sex was working great. We'd fool around and have fun. Ever since we started up again, she clearly noticed the changes I made to my body - always feeling my arms and chest. But we all knew my strong frame would eventually be tested by a girl who once had me by the balls, and so came...
