For those of us not socially networked...

[sstype]

Let me give a bit of background info.

I basically graduated from high school with NO GOOD FRIENDS. None whatsoever. I pretty much kept to myself the entire four years. I had tried to enter in circles but i was so insecure of myself i had a hard time just making conversation with people i percieved as higher up the social ladder. I never really was able to fit in despite the fact that i looked decent, dressed well, drove a cool car, made decent grades.

As a result, i feel so out of place sometimes. I feel like i do not have a "band of brothers" nor do i have a lot of girl friends who can hit me up with social proof.


sheesh, what a shame At least during high school i could have gone out and partied every weekend and build my social network then, but i was afraid b/c i did not want my parents to catch me partying. I did not want to shatter their image of me being a good kid. And as the years went by, i just really did not care to go out and party b/c the longer i held off doing it, the more afraid i was to actually do it because i was so socially inexperienced.

so here i am on a saturday night, alone
the cell phone is quiet, as usual. I am sitting here typing on an internet forum.
I want to fix this problem and become a social butterfly of sorts. Guys, help me out. Tell me how I can go about working towards achieving this....

 

[gimmeyofonenumba]

Enroll in college or make friends doing a hobby or a sport. Basketball/paintball or something.

 

[Prof]

I say take it step by step. I've been in a similar situation a few times, but not quite always with the goal of getting in women's panties (another story altogether).

My point is I suggest you take this one day at a time. If you live in a big city you have more chances of meeting new people than people living in smaller towns (and vice versa).

As I live in a small town (very small), I've set a goal of meeting someone new every day. I don't particularly dwell upon who they should be, though. (I.e. anyone I want to talk to, could be a woman, could be a man, and they could be anywhere from 8 to 80, and at any time.)

I know all the points I'm covering are covered in articles and other threads, but the points are worth bringing up. I have a feeling your social experiences will be better if you take on some of the following:

1.) Don't go into a conversation with a *new* person expecting a certain goal (at least not now, while you're working on your social skills).

2.) People generally perceive a good smile as warm, friendly, and approachable.

3.) Keep the topics of conversation *light*, aka avoid your inner securities and if you discover theirs in the process, bravo!

But screw whatever points I'm setting. Just get out there, talk to new people, and one by one it'll all fall into place. The worst thing you could do is try to remember all of that crap while talking to someone, fail miserably, and just end the conversation abruptly due to a blank mind/stare.

Note: If you feel weird at any point, I've found it's best to just ignore it, it will go away. We're supposed to be men, and men are in control of their feelings, not the other way around. Further, when in a social situation, if you assume an alpha type stance (like initiating a conversation, directing it, and keeping it going) then people will usually follow your lead. There's just too many damn betas out there for that statement to be false.

 

[Roly]

Stop Being Desperate

One thing, I would personally advice is to stop needing people to be fullfilled and make peace with your personal solitude. If you are desperate to make friends, it's going to definitely show, you will go out of your way to get people's validations and people will definitely take advantage of you.

of course, I advice you to be open to people, be friendly and cool because you Choose to be friendly and cool not because you want to please people and basing your self worth on them liking you.

 

[Abbott]

Re: Stop Being Desperate

Originally posted by Roly
One thing, I would personally advice is to stop needing people to be fullfilled and make peace with your personal solitude. If you are desperate to make friends, it's going to definitely show, you will go out of your way to get people's validations and people will definitely take advantage of you.

of course, I advice you to be open to people, be friendly and cool because you Choose to be friendly and cool not because you want to please people and basing your self worth on them liking you.

Be careful with this.

I too finished high school friendless. Chances are I won't attend my high school reunion (I didn't even attend my own graduation, so why bother?). I didn't fit into any of the stereotypical groups, and I've made mistakes (like not going to a party because I needed to get up very early the next day, without knowing the terrible precedent that I was setting up for myself).

It's a good thing to be able to be alone. Personally, I often thrive on being alone. Unfortunately I live with my parents right now, but if I didn't I couldn't even imagine living with other people. Of course in this respect being an only child helps, since I was often left by myself when I was a child. You learn to amuse yourself and be interested in things without other people being around.

But it's possible to go overboard. The net result of this is that I'm often reluctant to start talking to strangers. If someone else starts talking to me for whatever reason, most of the time I'll talk to them (when I don't it's normally when I'm under a serious time crunch or if the other fellow freaks me out too much). But it's not the same as starting conversations with people.

Because of this, sometimes (maybe once or twice a month), it'll be a weekend night and I'll wish that I knew of a party that I could attend. The feeling always subsides within a couple hours, but I know it'll come back in a couple weeks or so. It's not a good feeling. Though it's certainly better than being the fellow who can't stand being alone (I've met them, and it's sad).


If you attend college, you might be able to meet other people that way, so that's one suggestion. Unfortunately I don't have much firsthand experience with this, so I can't tell you if it'll work out well (I do attend college, but in my major most of my classmates are age 30 and up, and it's strongly male dominated...not the "typical" college environment). Another idea might be to consider "Who or what types of people do I want to meet?" and then consider where those types of people are most likely to be. And don't settle for anyone. If you aren't a hippy, you probably aren't going to get along well with other hippies. If you don't like rap very much, it probably won't be good to try to be friends with people who only listen to rap and nothing else. Same goes for other types. You want to find people that you get along with well, that make you feel good, and who feel good to be around you. That generally results in the best outcome.


Ben

 

[qweretyuiopas]

Re: Re: Stop Being Desperate

Originally posted by Abbott
Be careful with this.

I too finished high school friendless. Chances are I won't attend my high school reunion (I didn't even attend my own graduation, so why bother?).

Though it's certainly better than being the fellow who can't stand being alone (I've met them, and it's sad).

If you attend college, you might be able to meet other people that way, so that's one suggestion. Unfortunately I don't have much firsthand experience with this, so I can't tell you if it'll work out well (I do attend college, but in my major most of my classmates are age 30 and up, and it's strongly male dominated...not the "typical" college environment).

Ben

I had lots of friends in my high school, but they were never real friends. None of them contacted me at all after graduation. It sucks man I know how u feel, and yes Im one of those guys who hates being alone, sometimes i don't mind, but most of the time I wish I wasnt even on the computer. The college thing is the same for me, its lots of older people and 40% of them are married.

 

[DonJuanMonk]

Theme song to this thread is: Linkin Park's CRAWLING IN MY SKIN TEENAGE ANGST song

 

[diablo]

AE...

 

[PRMoon]

Think of things that you might be fun to do around your town, then go out and do them...there's a chance that other people might be there, you guys exchange numbers and voala instant social network.