For Future Reference...

[Mr. Fancy Pants]

I want some feedback on what happened to me last night for future reference.

There is a woman I met a few years ago at university. We lived in the same dorm and spent a lot of time together as people at university do. Near the end of the semester we got quite close and, as she says now, she became quite attracted to me. At that time I had just discovered sosuave and didn't know any better not to wait.

The term ended and we didn't see each other until this past week. I had spent the last year out of the country and she had moved back to a city nearby. We kept in touch occassionally and recently she would tell me that she missed me and such.

I come back, we hook up and last night she calls wanting to talk about the status of us. First I just joke around saying she can be my mistress but then I tell her I'm not interested in an exclusive relationship and we'll see how it goes. She says she couldn't be like that with someone, how our morals are different and she said she feels like a sl*t.

She wasn't mad or insulting, she just explained how she viewed it. This is a woman who I think is quality - she is fit, athletic, smart, funny, has a sense of purpose...and she even cooked for me when I came back. From knowing her, she doesn't really date much and it seems it is a big deal with her to be as physical as we were.

Now there won't be any more contact between us.

Really I would like a LTR but even from knowing her previously I'm not eager to jump right into an exclusive relationship. I was reading this thread from squirrels earlier (http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=109217) and I can relate to what he's talking about.

To sum up, I have a mixed reaction to whether or not I let a high quality woman get away or if this proved she's not a good fit for me. Thoughts?

 

[Phyzzle]

I think you did let a decent female slip away. She wasn't some frigid chick telling you not to touch her until marriage.

Thing is, you shouldn't jabber with her so much about the nature of your relationship. Just honestly answer a question if she asks.

It's okay to say "I'm not making you my girlfriend this very instant; I just got back into the country! Cool your jets!"

The problem was, you kept talking, and basically said you intended to have sex with her without being her boyfriend. Why say that? Talking about sex, before you have sex, is a one way ticket to awkwardsville.

Don't negotiate the sex verbally. It will happen when you arouse her enough.

 

[realsmoothie]

I want some feedback on what happened to me last night for future reference.

There is a woman I met a few years ago at university. We lived in the same dorm and spent a lot of time together as people at university do. Near the end of the semester we got quite close and, as she says now, she became quite attracted to me. At that time I had just discovered sosuave and didn't know any better not to wait.

The term ended and we didn't see each other until this past week. I had spent the last year out of the country and she had moved back to a city nearby. We kept in touch occassionally and recently she would tell me that she missed me and such.

I come back, we hook up and last night she calls wanting to talk about the status of us. First I just joke around saying she can be my mistress but then I tell her I'm not interested in an exclusive relationship and we'll see how it goes. She says she couldn't be like that with someone, how our morals are different and she said she feels like a sl*t.

She wasn't mad or insulting, she just explained how she viewed it. This is a woman who I think is quality - she is fit, athletic, smart, funny, has a sense of purpose...and she even cooked for me when I came back. From knowing her, she doesn't really date much and it seems it is a big deal with her to be as physical as we were.

Now there won't be any more contact between us.

Really I would like a LTR but even from knowing her previously I'm not eager to jump right into an exclusive relationship. I was reading this thread from squirrels earlier (http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=109217) and I can relate to what he's talking about.

To sum up, I have a mixed reaction to whether or not I let a high quality woman get away or if this proved she's not a good fit for me. Thoughts?

Um... what "proved she's not a good fit"? Did I miss something.

You blew it, but hey, you can always call her later on down the road.

 

[Mr. Fancy Pants]

I didn't mention or imply anything about sex. I was honest and I didn't keep talking. All I said was I'm not looking for a serious exclusive relationship right from the start....that it has to develop over time.

The no more contact because she says she wouldn't be able to see me without having feelings still for me and I don't want to stay in contact with her if she doesn't want to see me.

 

[RAFCbearfilm]

I wouldn't worry about it so much and not try to end it cause it did not go the way you thought it would. I am tired of this whole "Next" attitude. You have not lost anything, you made a comment based on what you have read on this site and it backfired in reality. Here in lies the point, you do not take this information verbatim to the real world, you need to temper the guidelines on this site with a dose of who you really are. Seriously, this sight has awaken a lot of us men who forgot what being a man was all about.
In as far as some advice for what next, play it cool. Let things develop as they will, you wanna see her, see her. If not then move on. Don't shut the door on her cause she hurt your feelings by not wanting to be seen with her. Who honestly says "I don't want to see you cause I have feelings for you." She'll come back to you guaranteed, but until then, date or do whatever you need to do just don't wait.

 

[Phyzzle]

EDIT: I see.

What I've done in a similar situation is GIVE HER A TIME. Tell her that if she makes it through 10 dates with you, she can be your committed girlfriend.

I'm telling you, a chick will do anything to be nice enough to keep you interested through those 10 dates. You should contact her and make this suggestion.

 

[( . )( . )]

Yes the others are right, because you were honest with your intentions and she was hot, "smart" and COOKED for you, you blew it with a quality woman. /sarcasm

Jesus what a sad state of affairs.

 

[Phyzzle]

The fact that she said "I want you to be my boyfriend" does not, by itself, disqualify her as a quality woman.

But then again, starting a serious relationship when you've seen eachother ONCE in the past year is NOT NORMAL. You should tell her that.

 

[Mr. Fancy Pants]

I'm not going to contact her and tell her anything. It won't change a thing.

I was more surprised that she acted so negatively towards this. It hadn't happened before to me. But now I realise that telling a woman this works. Because if she wants to be so serious and committed from the start, she'll probably be bugging me about marriage in a month. I don't want that.

 

[wayword]

she was hot, "smart" and COOKED for you, you blew it with a quality woman. /sarcasm

Jesus what a sad state of affairs.

Well, in today's admittedly sad state of affairs, that IS a quality woman. Maybe that was a bare minimum in 1945, but in 2006, g*ddamn that's a jackpot! It's all relative and you have to be realistic...