Flirting with an Actress....am I being played?

[The Grue]

First off , a hello to all members... I have not posted in some time but I am now in need of the collective's wisdom to set me straight. So, off to the matter at hand...

I met this woman(Nicole, 31) when I hooked up with a friend(Harriet, 38) in October 2014. I had not seem Harriet in a while and we had dated and kissed once or twice but then fell out. Nicole is Harriet's friend and I met up with them and we headed off for some live music. Harriet ends up finding friends and socializing while there, so me and Nicole talk and exchange good kino. Later that night Harriet notices the rapport developing and seems to get jealous, so Nicole sorts of calms it down. Anyway, Nicole suggests we become FB friends and we do a few days later. When I ask for her number though, she sort of avoids giving it to me. My belief is that Harriet said something to her and she backed off...

Anyway, time passes and I was dating another lady, but around late November I notice Nicole has invited me to a new play she would be in(she is an actress, although the struggling rather than famous/wealthy type...). I FB message her that I will come and she said she will await me. So, I go beginning of December with a friend , John(39) who is a director. We see the play and afterwards we meet Nicole and I suggest we get drinks which she readily accepts...on the way to the bar we also exchange numbers... At the bar we have a blast, drinking and listening to music, and there is even more kino between me and her...as we head out she grabs my arm and we walk ahead with John a little further behind. It then turns out that John's brother is good friends with Nicole's sister...so Nicole invites us out to her Birthday celebration a few days later...NOTE: John informs me that when talking to Nicole, she mentions that she had been seeing a psychoanalyst in her past for some time...

At her birthday i notice that this one guy is all over her with his hands and she is accepting it. This immediately sets off a red flag that this woman is like this with all men(me included) and that I need to be careful cause she is an actress after all...during the course of the evening though she gravitates more and more towards me and away from the other guy...

A Few days later(mid December now) I ask her out to dinner and she replies that she will be with a friend on the proposed evening but that it is not certain. She says she will call back though by the evening but never does...at this point I sort of forget about her since I am old enough to know women with interest do not act this way... She calls me the next day but I don't answer cause of work...I call her back the next but she seems to sort of not refer much to the dinner...

At this point Nicole is receding in my mind...but a week later we meet up by chance at a local bar that she also frequents. She knew me and John were there and she passed by...John's new Girlfriend Georgia is also there...that evening Nicole is very physical, constantly wanting to cuddle, hugging me and staying close all evening...Of course I am at a loss to explain her actions after her rejecting my dinner offer....so I accept her intimacy but play it cool...
At the end of the evening we say goodnight since I had to take John and Georgia home and I notice that Nicole made no effort to isolate herself with me and maybe kiss or something...a few days later she sends me an SMS asking if I would like to come with John and his GF and visit her out of town where she would be working at a bar for the Christmas holidays... Ipolitely decline since the group thing is not what I really want in this situation. Still, she asks again and then again until she finally says that I should come and see her...dropping the request that I bring John and his GF along this time...coming alone was good enough it seems...

So I go and visit her out of town but could only stay a day because I had my Dad's one year memorial ceremony. I meet her at this nice town she was in next to the coast and we go for coffee and lunch, but I notice she is not so much into the kino now...as if she is keeping her distance...there is still some kino..but much less... after lunch we go to her place and she says she needs to rest a bit before her evening work so she puts me in the spare room while she is in the master bedroom. I don't make any moves on her since she seems a bit distant. Later that evening I visit her at the bar where she worked there and she was very pleasant, serving me drinks all night for free and generally taking good care of me. I go home at some point and she returns at 6 and makes me breakfast before I headed to my Dad's memorial. As I was leaving, I kiss her on the lips and she reciprocates quite readily. We kiss a few times and I am off, although we mention that we will speak in 2-3 days back in our home city.

3 days later it was John's birthday and we meet there. However, something quite negative happens. Nicole enters and while there are two seats empty next to me, she chooses to sit next to John's GF Georgia rather than me...there I understood things had changed. During the evening we did not talk much but I notice that every time we did, she tried to make me comply with something....for example, she wanted me to try her drink, or eat from her plate...of course, I was in no mood to comply with anything and did not...at some point she makes a point of coming over and sitting next to me and starts with the kino...I sort of lean over and kiss her on the neck and she sort of moans a bit as I massage her neck but then we start bickering about something again...we parted that evening with just a basic goodnight kiss on the cheek. Generally, things were a bit frigid, so I decide that I have to write this all off as a failure....

Last night, once again I am out with John at our local bar and at some point he steps outside to talk to his GF on his mobile...when he re-enters he tells me Nicole is outside and is heading in with a female friend to join us....they join us and her friend Stella is very friendly and fun to talk to! However, me and Nicole were still pretty silent to each other and rarely even looked in each other's direction. I spent most of the evening speaking to John's GF but the moment she went to the toilet, Nicole came over, took her seat and stayed there...No matter how things are, she always tries to sit next to me at some point in the evening...maybe she even wated to break up the good time I was having the Georgia....She then started to chat me up, and tried some sort of reverse psychology on me I think... She said "You look skeptical.." actually I looked quite relaxed and was feeling great...so I told her the alcohol is no doubt clouding her judgement...she then sort of makes some stupid remark about why I don't drink what she does....I did not understand her remark but she then says that we really need to go out for drinks sometime...so I guess her introduction on my alcoholic preferences was just a way to get to the topic of a date....

I look at her but do not really answer as I was in too much of a good mood and did not want to spoil it. I just looked at her and let it hang...later on we said our goodbyes and we were off...

Sorry for the long post, my question now are:

What is going on with this woman? My instincts tell me there is a more thank likely chance she is just playing around...everything with her seems to be once step forward, then one back....With the exception of our time out of town(where she kept her distance) she does not seem to make an effort to be alone with me. Yet last night, here she is basically asking me to take her on a date for drinks....
I am attracted to her ans she can be fun but I don't like her games. As far as I am concerned I have done more than enough.

With all this in mind, should I just call and arrange drinks and she how she reacts or just write this off as just another unusual woman playing mind games and just move on?

Thanks for reading the lengthy post my friends! All replies are appreciated

 

[Greasy Pig]

A woman who is passionately interested in you won't confuse you.
Her interest is lukewarm at best, so you really need to isolate and put the moves on.
I also noticed you didn't appear to have asked her back to yours or suggest going back to hers.
The only way to flush her true intentions out is to get her alone and put some serious moves on.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Grue,
Missed your Posts,great to see you back...Yeah Actresses are a Funny lot...I dated one in the Sixties,really surprising mind set...remember they are surrounded by attractive Men who in the main are Bi or full on Doughnut Punchers...this skews their mindsets.

 

[The Grue]

Hello Scaramouche, great to hear from you my friend!
So what you are basically telling me is that because they are surrounded by a number of men who are not really that into women, actresses may go overboard with kino without actually meaning to escalate since they know the men around them will be 'safe' ....
This actually makes a lot of sense and explains certain behaviors...problem is I am not Bi or ahem...a doughnut puncher...so I guess I just put the moves on her next time we meet as Greasy Pig suggests and take it from there. If she chooses to dance, fine...If not, I'll just move on to greener pastures, thanks mates!

 

[Fin9]

Acctresses, dancers, singers any girl who works on stage gets a lot of attention and many of them are attention seekers. The girl you describe is a perfect example of this type of woman. They like to have a flock of men parading them.


She might have Histrionic personality disorder, they are attention seekers, are very seductive and this type of personality goes hand in hand with the ones that work in a stage like environment. Here is a link to HPD: http://psychcentral.com/disorders/histrionic-personality-disorder-symptoms/


Find out how is her relationship with her father (you said she went to therapy); I'd bet she didn't have a good relationship with him, he was absent in one way or another. Many times girls who have no father or their father were absent a lot, they tend to fill the void by being seductive, having more men around her to fill the masculinity that they did not get from their father as a child.

I met one of these girls and in my example what worked very well was to take charge and be more authoritative than in general, show her that you are the man. This doesn't mean to boss her around, but tell her things that you don;t like about them, the way the behave etc. They like to feel the presence of a real man so to speak.

 

[The Grue]

Sorry for the delay getting back, it's been a bit of a busy schedule for me. Anyway, I do not think she is some sort of HPD( as Fin9 suggests). Since my last post I have seen Nicole 2 more times.
The first time was about 10 days ago when we had arranged to go to a bar with John, his GF Georgia and a few others. John tells me Nicole called him and asked where we would be and she passed by. We say hi and she immediately accuses me of being cold for not kissing her warmly when greeting(which was true). During the evening she approaches a couple of times, but her attitude sort of puts me off. At one point I was chatting up a friend of Georgia's , cute lady but to my surprise, Nicole makes a beeline for us and sort of cuts into the conversation. I go off to the restroom and when I get back the gals have become best friends... Anyway, almost everybody wanted to leave a while later except Nicole..so that was it.
Last Friday, again I find out when meeting John and Georgia and some friends that Nicole has called him again saying she was with a female friend, and that an event they were going to was cancelled and where John was...John replied he was with me and some others and Nicole said she would pass by... We meet up but she and I are very cold to each other now, not even kissing...just a handshake... We go to a place when the waitress is a common friend of ours and we have drinks. Nicole and I are sitting next to each other, but conversation just does not seem to happen..I am really feeling awkward around her. I like her and am attracted, yet at the same time, I do not seem to trust her at all. I move away and start to speak to Georgia and things are fine...but later Nicole comes over and starts giving Georgia a massage, again breaking my conversation with her as she had done previously with the other woman...she proceeds to massage Georgia for close to 20 minutes, making sure to rub up against me almost continuously as we were all sitting close together... I sort of turn to the other side and start chatting with the waitress at the place... When I go to the bathroom I come back to see Nicole has taken my seat next to Georgia. Then a young dude who has previously spoke to Nicole comes over. I lean over and tell him "Nicole gives a nice massage, you and her should move over somewhere else and she can show you...Nicole sorts of gives me a dirty look but they talk and leave to another part of the bar(in my view of course). At some point I even notice Nicole and the guy giving each other a short peck on the lips...of course I am certain that she is doing this to piss me off...A few minutes later some buddies call me from another place so I decide to bounce..I said my goodbyes to all except Nicole who was in the bathroom...Later John tells me she came out and threw a fit asking why I did not say goodbye and calling me an a@@hole. John told her to cut it our, because he and I are good friends and such behavior is not on. He told me they then all went their separate ways for the night.

I do not understand this woman's behavior... I was perfectly alright to just let it go between us but she now seems to make an effort to sort of spoil my communication with others. I still like her, but her behavior is drawing us farther and farther apart, as she is bringing out negative traits in me also...At this point, I am just thinking of avoiding her and meeting some other women...

 

[dasein]

Your last post seems very passive, and also seems like HS dance type games. If you want to get with this woman, why are you not making unmistakable passes when you see her, why are you not asking her out and taking CONTROL of the interactions? If you don't want to get with her, why does it matter how she acts or what she does? In your shoes, I'd call her and ask her out. If no, rinse repeat in a week. If she declines both without a firm raincheck offer, then done and think nothing more of her. Good luck.

 

[Vulpine]

This sounds like a plot contrivance from "Californication".

Anyway, Nicole suggests we become FB friends and we do a few days later. When I ask for her number though, she sort of avoids giving it to me.
____
One more notch on the FB wall! It's called: "Networking".
____
So, I go beginning of December with a friend , John(39) who is a director. We see the play and afterwards we meet Nicole and I suggest we get drinks which she readily accepts...
____
She readily accepts... when John's along.
____
but a week later we meet up by chance at a local bar that she also frequents. She knew me and John were there and she passed by...
____
"John's there? OMG, I'll be right over!" "Chance" likely had nothing to do with the meeting up.
____
At the end of the evening we say goodnight since I had to take John and Georgia home and I notice that Nicole made no effort to isolate herself with me and maybe kiss or something...
____
She's saving her kisses for the director's cºck.
____
a few days later she sends me an SMS asking if I would like to come with John and his GF and visit her out of town where she would be working at a bar for the Christmas holidays... Ipolitely decline since the group thing is not what I really want in this situation. Still, she asks again and then again until she finally says that I should come and see her...dropping the request that I bring John and his GF along this time...coming alone was good enough it seems...
____
She could see that you were dropping out of her orbit, so she had to "spin you back up", like a plate.
____
she puts me in the spare room while she is in the master bedroom.
____
Nice. She's got you trained to "kennel" like a good puppy.
____
3 days later it was John's birthday and we meet there. However, something quite negative happens. Nicole enters and while there are two seats empty next to me, she chooses to sit next to John's GF Georgia rather than me...there I understood things had changed.
____
Changed? No, make you as a plate jealous, stay close to John, nothing's changed, you're just seeing her behavior more clearly.
____
Last night, once again I am out with John at our local bar and at some point he steps outside to talk to his GF on his mobile...when he re-enters he tells me Nicole is outside and is heading in with a female friend to join us....
____
"John's there? OMG, I'll be right over!"

Sorry, The Grue, but she's keeping you orbiting so that she can orbit your friend, the director. She's got her eyes on the prize, like a tired Hollywood cliché, and you're just collateral damage along the way.

The ACTIONS here. If she stays close to the perceived opportunity, she'll get an opportunity, right? So, she can pretend to be involved with you, with none of the actual engagements like touching/kissing/fuxing, and continue to work on John. It's using you for your networking value, a career function, nothing else.

Since my last post I have seen Nicole 2 more times.
The first time was about 10 days ago when we had arranged to go to a bar with John, his GF Georgia and a few others. John tells me Nicole called him and asked where we would be and she passed by.
____
She calls John, does she ever call YOU?
____
Last Friday, again I find out when meeting John and Georgia and some friends that Nicole has called him again saying she was with a female friend, and that an event they were going to was cancelled and where John was...
____
"Where are you, John?"
____
I do not understand this woman's behavior...

On her path to career advancement, I'm sure she's routinely distracted by her body's attraction to you (you smooth DJ, you), but her hamster keeps focused on the prize. My final conclusion is that your attention is appreciated, but it is just a bonus to her in the overall scheme of using you as a stepping stone. With a friend who is a director, you should anticipate/expect this, and use those hookers as they present themselves: like the whºres they are.

Instead of continuing to wonder about this one, flip it around. Start using HER as a pivot when she's around. Mess with her to make YOUR targets jealous. Then engage those targets, and leave the "climber" back at the party. Sound like a better deal?

However you proceed, recognize the potential that she is keeping you orbiting so that she can orbit the director (his name doesn't matter to her, only his status). If you think women aren't this diabolical, be real with yourself: they are crazy manipulative when motivated. Moreover, many women find "dating" to be a fantastic hobby: free meals, free ****tails, ego stroking, and networking opportunities, all under the dating pretense. As with any woman dating, there is no obligation to a man with regards to his time/resources/humanity; there is no "duty" to put out.

A wolf in sheep's clothing, here. Don't convince yourself to be naïve.

 

[VladPatton]

Classic attention wh0re. She'll keep stringing you along like this until she pops in with a new man one day, and yeah, you guessed it, she'll be all over him in an over-acted display of vulgar public affection.

As for you, you're not taking the action necessary here. You're not making things happen. Forget the group outings, that sh!t does nothing for you when you're trying to work a chick.

Ask her on a proper full-on date so you can get the passionate kiss, feel her up, turn up the heat. Take some action, man. If she sh!ts her pants with bull$hit excuses, cut your losses immediately, as she knows not what she wants and is unstable. Or, beat her to it and show up with some new chick; one who is sane, and is actually into you.

Don't spend time with these washy washy b!tches, it's never worth it in the end. They attract you with hot and cold tactics. That should be your job. Good luck, man.

 

[The Grue]

First of all, I appreciate the input from brothers Dasein, Vulpine and VladPatton, thanks for taking the time to answer(especially Vulpine, whose reply was quite comprehensive).

To the issue at hand, I don't think Nicole is after John. He may be a director but he is an out of work one...he may be able to offer her some kind of job-related benefits down the line but not at the moment. I think she communicates with him because their families know each other and there is a level of comfort. Thus, I think Vulpine's analysis, which offers very sound advice, is based on a false premise.

However, all the brothers here are right in that I need to take control of this frame. Right now I am being passive and just waiting for things to happen instead of taking the initiative.
And it is the wrong way to go about things. So I will try to take control and ask her out on a real date. We will see what happens....

Thanks for the replies friends!

 

[Heisenburger]

You have great advice here op.

Best way to see the wolf jump out of the sheep's skin?

Pretty simple - Flirt with OTHER women around her. This is to serve your own interests rather than to make her jealous. No point wasting your time on a lost cause. Treat her like a Z list actress and go after A listers.

Think and act like an Oscar, not a golden raspberry. Good day.

 

[backbreaker]

women who require this much decoding are not worth their trouble. who ****ing cares what she wants. women are either adding to your life or taking away from it. This woman is taking away from it.


it's pretty ovbious you want her and she has taken that and has mucked it all up. just let her go away.

 

[The Grue]

Your words ring quite true Backbreaker..food for thought and action indeed, thanks!

 

[G_Govan]

I'd drop anything outside being acquaintances. If you make any progress at this point it will be because of monumental persistence rather than genuine desire on her part. She sounds big-headed, like her sh-t don't stink. Your attention adds fuel.

 

[nismo-4]

Erase and replace.

Don't give this attention seeker anything else.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

I....I don't understand this post. There's a lot of writing about how confused she's making you. But you're being so f***king passive it's like you're in high-school.

The last comment isn't meant as an insult, but as a wake-up call from a man who's looking at this from the outside in. I don't understand what's wrong with the direct approach. From experience its worked well for me. You'll know if they're interest immediately after you ask. Either they say yes, no, or they say no then say yes again when they don't have your attention anymore.


Edit: has it occurred to you that maybe she's just as passive and confused as you are? Two passives don't make for good flirting, sex, etc.

 

[The Grue]

First, I would like to thank all posters for their comments, they are appreciated!

Maverick, it's been about 10 days since we last had any contact. I know from my Director friend that they have talked and that she 'hasn't seen us in a while and would like to get together...' I am going through a root canal procedure so I am not in top shape, but I will call and ask her out within the next few days; I will keep members here posted when I have news!

My sincere thanks,

 

[The Grue]

UPDATE

Posters had been correct in that I was being passive, so last Wednesday I send Nicole and SMS around 4 inviting her for drinks at around 10 that evening. She answers around 7 with a text thanking me, telling me she is still a bit ill but saying she has already arranged for the evening(a good friend, Irene, would be coming over to her place to stay for the night) but also asking where I would be going..
I found her questions about Where I would be going suspicious, as I thought it was clear I was inviting just her...anyway, I ring her up and she is quite fine in tone and manner... She was still wheezing from the flu, but we talk about 20 minutes....she started asking stuff about my family..unusual, since we had never really spoken on the phone before...Anyway, as I was hanging up, she said if I would like to go for a drink with her and her friend Irene...but I declined as I wanted to get her 1 on 1....Then she said if we could get together during the weekend, and I told her we would talk to Thursday or Friday.
Come Friday evening, I ring her about 9.30 as I was going to meet up with some common friends and wanted to invite her to join. She was in a meeting but got back to me a bit after 10... At that time I was already at my friends and I acutally did not see her call till around 11. Then I called and she said she was meeting a common friend of ours, Harriet, for drinks and music and invited me to come. I told her I would hang with my friends and it's ok...She repeated that I should come later if I like..but I let it go.

Come Saturday I had a busy day and I had already arranged dinner with another lady, Joanne, so I thought I would just go ahead with that. We go out to dinner with Joanna, but things are lacklustre between us(she is a bit boring) and I decide to give Nicole a call around 12.30 to see where she's at.
She does not answer, but come Sunday morning, she send a message on Facebook telling me she liked something she saw on my wall.

I take this opening and call her and again, she seems fine. But she does not comment about not returning my call late last night. Then she says she spent Saturday night babysitting for her sister. I invite her to Sunday lunch and this is where I think she pays me back for not calling her on Saturday... She says she has already arranged lunch with a friend(a guy who for some reason she stresses, does the same work as me)... She then adds that she would have gone for lunch with if I had called her yesterday...
At this point I am not really certain if she is being truthful or not, but I ask her if she wants to go see some live later in the evening.. Her reply is that she does not know when she is getting back from lunch and that she may be tired...but that maybe we can meet with our common friends during the week...
So I guess, I blew that one and should have called on Saturday or she is just playing around...

 

[ThunderMaverick]

You put her in a position where she had to make her true feelings known. Any woman who's on the fence and not rearranging at least ONE of her 10 plans for the week isn't that into you.

At this point just let her contact you for now on. If she ask why youve been distant tell her you were interested and you're not into playing push and pull. Unless you have been acting like someone who has no sexual or masculine energy then she has no excuse to act clueless.

If she's still in your circle of friends of course be amicable and don't let the new dynamic between you and her be uncomfortable. Just be friendly confident and honest.

 

[The Grue]

Thanks Thunder, seems the logical way to go now!