Feeling like a LOSER while WINNING

[Ragin_Asian]

This might sound a like a stupid thread but it is something that I feel during some stage in my life.

Im not whining anyways. This is just something I've noticed on reflection of my years.

For example. My Rugby Union team won and everyone is celibrating and some people from both teams complimented on my game. (It takes balls for a small 60kg player to run flat out towards 3 players weighing around 100kgs) Yet I still feel like a loser sometimes even though its clear that there was no losses at all.

Getting good marks yet still feeling a bit down. Picking up a chick yet still feel like someone else deserves to wake up next to her than me. It feels like my achievements are better appreciated by someone else.

Its an automatic subconscious thought and I've learnt to suppress it after a few goes. But it really bugs me to wake up with some nasty thought clinging for a few minutes until I get distracted. I've read on a book that some unresolved issues during childhood causes this but I can't put my finger to it. eg. bullying, family overly celibrates little achievements which got me confused or self-image issues, too self-centred?. It feels like I can never impress myself with myself.

On the same book I read this article about this man who commited suicide after he achieved something big, now thats very strange isn't it. I know I wouldnt kill myself but I think I've got the same thing but on a smaller scale. I've read other people's post and some fellow DJs kinda show that they too feel like losing while winning as they don't seem to know it. I think its the underlying issue to why some fail become some people choose to see wins as losses and give up.

Someone explain this strange thing??

 

[Oxide]

You wish for better things? I cant blame you for that... however, are you looking for perfection everywhere? If you are, i'll help you jump from sears tower right now...

Say you wake up with Tyra Banks... and you want better... what is next? (I am not asking for names here...)

 

[MackJr]

Once I learned DJ tactics, I used it on a woman, she fell for me hard, and I laid her even before the first official date. I was sort of disappointed, which is what I think you feel, because I knew that I understood women, and they aren't that complicated. They're just as stupid as they think we are, just in a different way.

So maybe you thought your goal would have been better. Try setting new goals, because the process is why we ultimately do things.

 

[BlaKTooth]

I see what you're saying asian...

and you're right, its more of a subconscious problem than anything else.

It comes from feeling low self-confidence/esteem/love/whatever. and it sucks.

I'm not the one who can help you tho,, got pretty much the same thing myself..

 

[Ragin_Asian]

YES....I seem to aim for perfection and as everyone knows doesn't exist. I'm probably in a delusional haze to think that everyone else is perfect (even though they are not) and think to myself I'm waaay behind and got a lot of things to catch up on. which is why I feel like a loser.

This is poisonous subconscious thinking and it is why I fail on most things when the task at hand was very, very simple. I am far from perfection ( I used to be straight A student, never got in trouble and all that until everything fell apart a few years ago) and the truth is no one can be perfect (qoute: perfect is boring, to be human is beautiful). Of course I only got things that are half as good as I wanted. My deluded state has stopped me from being human and actually achieving my real potential. In other words little things were made to seem like hard work.

I've been trying to sort things out with myself and reading books by Maltz, Bradshaw etc. I've been tryin to not consciously focus too much on progress and question my ability and just try to relax (something that my folks doesnt understand).

I'm reading something on self-image at the moment which has some very important points. The book is called psycho-cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz. Anyone read it?

Again I think way too many budding DJ's are making the same mistakes like I do. Aiming too much on perfection and being too hard on yourself. I know its hard to rid yourself of this kind of mindset but working on it little by little does work wonders. Take a break. Read a book or aim to fail for the sake of failing and learn from making a mistake. Another thing is that in the past I refuse to learn from mistakes because I was too self-centred.

 

[Pfeile]

I've heard good things about Maltz's book, and I'm looking for it in book stores (but so far I haven't found it), and it was checkout at the library.

I really want to read that book because I feel exactly the same way often too. When I succeed at something, or someone compliments me I feel like I shouldn't be winning, or that I shouldn't be complimented. In my mind I take offence to compliments!

It's so stupid like you say, and it is definitely something that has just been developed over our childhoods. I am a perfectionist too and I hate how I am never satisfied with anything. I get annoyed by the tiniest imperfections (e.g. when I make a mistake when writing, I get really annoyed that a page of mistake-free writing is spoiled!). But it is a trait which is just so impossible to get rid of...

 

[Virtú]

I can relate to this.

I am a perfectionist, someone trapped with unreasonably high standards ... so high, in fact, that I often simply don't bother trying, because painful failure is inevitable.
These high standards are directed almost exclusively towards myself. My psychologist has said that I am intenstely self-critical, which is true. A part of my mind is constantly standing apart from the rest, observing and judging my behavior as though it were someone else. I am also keenly aware of my own thoughts and feelings, and constantly criticize myself for not feeling and thinking the way I feel that I should.

I am also a pessimist, a person whose gut reaction is that he can't do something, that he isn't good enough and shouldn't bother wasting his time trying. Most guys believe that they are better than they actually are, I believe that I am worse. I dwell on my failings and my inadequacies (rather than my strengths) and see them not as weaknesses to be overcome, but as fates that I cannot change.

I also get very little out of what effort I do put out. I can do something (anything, it doesn't matter) and do it reasonably well (I don't suck as much as I feel I do) ... and then feel nothing later.
My psychologist has confirmed that usually when someone does something, they get something back from themselves, anything from pleasure to a sense of fulfillment or accomplishment that restores them after spending so much energy on it.
Unfortunately, this "internal compensation" doesn't occur in me. I expend energy on activity, then get nothing back.

Additionally, rather than being inspired or challenged by someone better than me at something, I feel like a failure and become depressed. I do not respond to difficulty the way that I should; I see it as evidence that I am doing something wrong. I also see it as a grave threat of failure and loss, rather than an insolent slap in the face.

 

[DjDreamer]

Originally posted by Ragin_Asian
the truth is no one can be perfect (qoute: perfect is boring, to be human is beautiful).

Well that's one way of looking at it...

Perfection is when perfect things occur effortlessly...now if you were to reverse engineer perfection, you would effortlessly go about your daily tasks...you would obtain ZEN...

 

[Ragin_Asian]

Well last night I went out and had a great time with friends and other new people. Not only that but I also made out with 3 chicks woohoo. The thing is I felt more hungrier to find another girl to make out with and still wasn't satisfied. Felt a bit confused then...well i was drunk too. I live with my parents as I am on holidays from college so I couldn't take anyone home.

I read about how the true DJ never lets emotions take control of him. I kinda acted like nothing happened and wasn't jumping around like a fool like my afc friends when a girl happens to look his way lol. They all went to the strip club while I just quietly made my way home.

I may get into trouble though as one of the girls I made out with may or may not be still going out with my long time enemy who I had a streetfight with. But I'll deal with it.

Another thing I remember about this fight with this guy is that even though I was the clear winner and kicked his ass, I still felt like he coulda had the better of me and still felt scared everytime I see him. I don't get into fights anymore but I remember still feeling intimidated even after the fight and being the clear winner. By the way I don't start fights and I only defend myself. Can anyone have an explanation for this?

 

[diplomatic_lie]

Don't be ashamed to achieve! We are brainwashed by society to be ashamed of our achievements because the rest of society are too lazy to keep up.

If the losers want to drag you down, ignore them and keep going.

 

[Adam See]

You have some self-worth issues. You can't really measure self worth easily. Like if I asked you what level is your self esteem is at currently, you could easily come up with an answer to that e.g. "yeah, I'm feeling good at the minute - confident". But self-worth it subconcious and you are not really aware of it.

No matter how many girls you get with or how good you are in other areas (sports, etc) you will tend to sabotage your efforts. Ironically it is the people with the heighest ideals and standards have the heighest self-worth issues.

You are worth no more, or no less than any human being, any saint, or any leader who has ever lived.

It's not about finding or raising your self-worth. You are already worth all you are going to be worth. It's about discovering that.

If you are looking for more answers in that area, I can recommend a lot of Dan Millmans' work and a book called 'Everyday Enlightenment'... Although you may find 'The way of the peaceful warrior', an excellent read to start with.

 

[Ragin_Asian]

I feel its an up and down thing for me. Some days I feel good and some days I'm at an extreme low to the point of doing something silly like hurting myself. When I feel down I feel REALLY down and thats when stupid ideas and beliefs start popping up inside my head. But when things are ok I kinda think what the hell was I thinking.

Im working on things now but I make it that I dont consciously evaluate progress and just smoothly work things out without sweatin it. My problem was that I was concentrating way too hard to see progress and was a bit too hard on myself for fear that I'm not going forward at all.

Right now I'm doing good so everything seems to be smooth sailing but these days it doesn't take a lot to put me out and things get ugly if someone pushes me too far. When things are going well it is easier to see my goals but when things are down I find that my mind has a downward spiral that its hard to find a way out sometimes and I just ruin everything I've worked for.

I'm still reading Psycho-Cybernetics and its got some good things on it. Has anyone read it or done the exercises?

 

[BlaKTooth]

Here's my story regarding the issue:


I had the whole perfectionist syndrome for a while. One thing I'm really good at is singing... at my highschool's afterprom party, I easily got first place in a singing comp. Sang near pitch-perfect, and the audience loved it.

Problem is, I didn't think I deserved it---- "the real singers must have not come up to sing," I told myself.

Even with the prize money in my hand, I didn't feel like a winner. I felt embarassed for going up and singing against all these bad singers.

It makes no sense really, but that's how it was.

Thats just a small example, I have a lot more and I'm sure you all do too.

The only way to stop it, it seems, is to measure success on your own terms--every time you do something, shut out from your mind.

"I did a great job, but..."--- stop yourself right there. You did a GREAT job, that's all that matters to you. Don't worry about the buts. They are nothing to your awesome might.

That's what works for me.




I'm a minority race too. (Pakistani, to be correct). It used to bother me a lot through elementary/middle/junior high school. Not so much anymore, though. I'm still a MAN, after all