Feeling deeply insecure about my salary.

[expos]

So, a few of you know my story. You can read the gory conclusion here - post #113

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=204506&page=6

I live in the midwest, cost of living isn't bad. Essentially my wife started devaluing me for making $55K a year (I'm now at $70K because I nabbed a Director position). I believe what had happened was that she was around a lot of guys who made big money $100-$120K and she saw me as less of a person than those guys. So when our divorce was finalized, she essentially seduced one of them (this ugly, fat guy at her job) rather quickly and they have been together for 6 or 7 months now. Whether she cheated or not (not 100% convinced she did, I can't find any real evidence) I am very hurt by all of this, otherwise I wouldn't be camping out here.

Needless to say, I feel worthless and not much like a provider. She couldn't wait to leave me and get with this new guy.

I almost feel, that at age 34, I should be making a lot of money to even have a legitimate shot of having a woman sticking around. 70K isn't a lot, and I'm very good at my job, but I feel like this almost deal breaker especially with 30-35 dating pool. This is a sad, sick and cold reality. Looks and personality seemed to be trumped at every corner.

But I know my head is not in the right place.

I think I have a lot to offer a woman. I am a guy is who is trying to learn more alpha tendencies. I working out like a mad man trying to get bigger. Volunteering, being very social, etc. I am trying to be more well-rounded, broaden my interests, and move on with my life despite the extreme pain that I'm in. I loved my wife dearly, and I'm sadly not over her yet (5 year relationship, 3 year marriage, no kids, I'm approaching the one-year anniversary of my divorce.)

I stumbled across this gem from another board:
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"Rich people are not happier, they just arent. Beyond basic necessities like shelter and food and the relative freedom of worry of keeping the heat on, wealth it is not a happiness predictor. Rich people are just as miserable.

Its so easy to believe if you had more money - your problems would melt away. The fact is - you trade your problems in for new ones and many believe they are NO better off.

I make good 6 figures, I am somewhat ashamed to say.. and money changes nothing. (it also doesn't go very far..at all) There are rich idiots and poor idiots. There are poor saints and rich ones. If you have relationship problems when you are poor - you are going to have them when you hit the lottery - in fact it may magnify your problems."

-------------------------

I just want a few more takes on salary vs. happiness and if anyone else in the 30 bracket has suffered.

 

[corrector]

So while you divorced her, her heart was already somewhere else and she was only with you out of obligation and conscience.

You mean the 30-35 year old gold-digger dating pool? A woman should be satisied if you can pay the bills and she has some place to stay (i.e. and she could contribute too) and if you can take her travelling once in a while or buy an occasional item for her, don't you think? Otherwise she's a gold-digger and just likes you for the money, not for yourself.

 

[expos]

So while you divorced her, her heart was already somewhere else and she was only with you out of obligation and conscience.

Well, a lot of people (including anyone who replied to my previous thread) thought she had BPD anyways. She was on like 4 prescription meds, something I didn't know about until AFTER we were married. Regardless, she checked out after a year of marriage, and believe me, I was not beta. When we separated, she cried for maybe two weeks and that was it. She didn't even fight to get me back. We had a $230,000 home. She was more upset about losing that than me!

You mean the 30-35 year old gold-digger dating pool? A woman should be satisied if you can pay the bills and she has some place to stay (i.e. and she could contribute too) and if you can take her travelling once in a while or buy an occasional item for her, don't you think? Otherwise she's a gold-digger and just likes you for the money, not for yourself.

Yes, that pool. Every decent, good looking girl is taken in my bracket. The guys they are with are all higher earners. Not $200K guys, but decent pay ($85K-$130K).

I have no debt, new car, $700 rent apartment. I'm trying to get another Director job that would put me closer to $90K but I'm not having much luck at the moment. I'm going to keep blasting out those resumes.

 

[foreverAFC]

sounds like the problem was your wife, not your job or your pay, stop obsessing about that

getting married is a mistake, find cool gf's instead and spend all that money on yourself, as a single man you are making a lot of money, especially if you are only paying 700 for rent and have no debt

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

I'm 23 with no kids. I've made 45k in 6 months. Tracking to make 90k if I would have stayed at the place I worked at for 12 months. I was also working near 300 hours a month. (only social life I had was clubs and parties).

70k for a regular full time job should be real good. Especially since you shouldn't be getting taxed like I was. What is the majority of your money going towards? I think that's the problem.

Also, don't mess with them gold digging women. You kick a girl to the curb or make her get a job when she starts talking about the money you make.

 

[Jules_Winfield]

You are the problem, not your wife. Your self-esteem is too low. The next woman will be like the previous woman unless you work on yourself.

This reminds me of a female friend who suddenly became "just friends" with her former rapist. I think she dated him but she won't admit it. Years later, she had a boyfriend who beat her up. She wondered how I knew she was considering taking the abusive boyfriend back.

 

[expos]

What is the majority of your money going towards?

My car. $332 a month + $245 for insurance. I try to travel a lot and get out of my apartment, I needed to do this in order to heal from my divorce. Sitting at home was really bad for me. Social life takes a big toll on my paycheck as well but it was necessary and essential to repair myself.

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

Well you should easily have a lot of left over money. Your probably making 5k after taxes. Your spending probably 2k on all your expenses including food and stuff for the month. So you should have extra money left over. So money isn't the problem. It's your confidence.

What you need to do is find other chicks. That's why your sad bro. Because you have money! Go travel to Brazil and see some of the most beautiful women you will ever see. You need to do stuff to meet new people. Shoot come out to Atlanta and I'll show you how to get some women!

 

[expos]

Well you should easily have a lot of left over money. Your probably making 5k after taxes. Your spending probably 2k on all your expenses including food and stuff for the month. So you should have extra money left over. So money isn't the problem. It's your confidence.

What you need to do is find other chicks. That's why your sad bro. Because you have money! Go travel to Brazil and see some of the most beautiful women you will ever see. You need to do stuff to meet new people. Shoot come out to Atlanta and I'll show you how to get some women!

I contribute 8% into my 401K/403b. That takes a chunk out of my paycheck, in addition to my health insurance. So, I'm left with some money.

But I want more, obviously. I definitely want a nice home one of these days.

 

[Jack89]

I'd say you dodged a bullet. More money more problems and good riddance. Atleast now you can bang younger legal better looking girls who aren't gold diggers, while your ex wife's looks fade into skeletor as the years go by.

I've heard a lot that when you hit your 30s woman are looking for stable providers.70k is pretty good for one guy since your now single. If I were you I would stack up try to upgrade to a better position and at the same time bang younger girls below 30

 

[Jaylan]

OP, dont feel insecure. No need to at all. Look at the median income for the country. Then look at it again for bachelors and even masters degree holders. Youre doing well at 70k, and plenty of people would be happy at 55k. Also consider the fact that some small families get by just fine on a combined salary thats equal to your current 70k.

Fvck your ex-wife. She clearly never really loved you and wanted a gravy train. There ARE good women out there, but you gotta work on your self esteem first. Im sure you do have plenty of good to offer a woman, but you gotta fix yourself up a bit first. Youll get there.

I dont make nearly as much money as you, but my career is still young. I dont let my money define me. If a man can take care of himself, doesnt have mountains of debt, and can also have a little bit of fun spending cash, then hes doing just fine.

There are women out there who make their own money and wont judge you simply on the cash you make. There are chicks out there who come from modest backgrounds, who worked hard to get to where they are, and value a hardworking man. There are women who want to bring something to the table and arent just looking for a free ride.

It just takes the right eyes for you to know how to find these women and weed out the fvking losers like your ex-wife. Dont fret bro, it takes time. Just see your marriage as a learning experience. All that negativity will show you how to find the good women out there. It can be hard finding them, but dont give up. And dont let a low quality broad like your ex define who you are as a man.

YOU define you.

 

[skinnyguy]

Don't obsess over money. Plenty of guys out there are slayers and are flat broke...because women think they are cool and hip. On the flipside, I could be making 250K and still not have a girlfriend because they think that I'm nerdy or socially unacceptable. Being socially desirable will always trump money.

 

[BeDJ]

What kind of director? IT director?

 

[jay07]

Youre complaining about making 70k a year? Jesus christ, and i thought the race threads were bad.

 

[expos]

What kind of director? IT director?

The slob she is with now is a Director of IT, Systems and Programming. He isn't the only Systems and Programming director at that company, it's a big place with a lot of people in director positions. The company isn't well known, but they get huge bonuses. They also get lousy vacation time and the work there generally is boring (insurance). I used to work there and hated it.

I'm an Art Director at very large university (I work in college athletics). We're a Top 10 Program in Div-1. I was a Senior UI Designer before I was promoted, and university wages (union / APA) suck compare to the industry standards. I'm talking 35K less. I've tried to push for higher, but not when our Assistant AD's are pulling $80K. So I'm paid pretty well within my department. But my boss lets me roll in at 9am everyday, talking all the vacation I want (within reason), and my work gets a ton of exposure and has won several awards.

I simultaneously HATE and love my ex-wife. To an extent, I really do miss her, but I'm just really hurt by everything. It's not like I'm sitting here and wanting to call her, I'm just shell shocked, and stunned by everything.

 

[backseatjuan]

$70k a year at the age of 34 is good money provided you are working for someone.

Your problem is not how much you make, it is your naiveness. You have got to choose people you hang around better. How could you choose a wife that turned out to be such a low person?

It's cool though. Choose people around you much more wisely. A friend is someone that right now will take a 12 gauge, if you ask him to, and come with you, without asking why it's for. There could only be 1 friend like that in your entire life, the rest then, are just b`tches that will turn away when the times are bad.

By the looks of it you are an office plankton. What that means? That means you have your plans settled, work, home, kids, death. You drive to your work in your ****ty car that you took in credit, you come home, for which you pay mortgage, you **** your wife in the same position, you eat same food, you are boring.

Turn into an adventurous animal. Get the body you like, drive a car you dreamed of, hang out at prestigious spots you wish you hanged out at, travel to places you dreamed of. Then around you will gather people. But not all of them are friends and wish you well, remember than in your entire life you could only have 1 friend that will take a 12 gauge and come with you on a minute's notice without asking questions.

 

[MaddXMan]

I know where you are coming from. I am 10 years older and make 75k. BUT, my job is cush, I work from home and not commuting added 2 more hours a day to my life that I be productive with. I spend it getting in shape.

But, when dating, my pool comes mainly from the neighboring rich county. Lot's of divorced women there looking. Their exes were loaded. Two that I was seeing, they had me over for dinner and to watch movies. Both houses were massive and backed up onto a golf course. Now I'm confident but walking into a dates 600k house with a pristine BMW suv in the drive has me thinking "that's it, no way they are coming over to my place, at least I will put if off as long as possible." I WILL keep running into this so have to figure out how to deal with it.

 

[corrector]

Well, a lot of people (including anyone who replied to my previous thread) thought she had BPD anyways. She was on like 4 prescription meds, something I didn't know about until AFTER we were married. Regardless, she checked out after a year of marriage, and believe me, I was not beta. When we separated, she cried for maybe two weeks and that was it. She didn't even fight to get me back. We had a $230,000 home. She was more upset about losing that than me!

Sounds allot like my ex-gf I dumped last year. She also was on anti-depressants and I found this out accidentally as she blurted out that she had to see her psychologist. I only really knew her for around 9 months, had a relationship with her 4 1/2 months, and we planned to get married after 1 1/2 months of dating. I studied the truth about her from consulting with her ex-husband then just freaked out. I only would have really got married to lose my virginity with a clean, STD-free woman, who can't have kids (i.e. so you can fvck her as much as you want without worrying about her getting pregnant like a fvck-doll (i.e. she has turner's syndrome - assuming she likes fvcking herself - hear anti-depressants can kill libido and she doesn't look at porn or anything like that).

Anyway, when I dumped her because of the info I got from her ex-husband behind her back (the following morning after I dated her and I consulted with her ex-husband while I was seeing her and informed her mom), she never fought for the relationship. Instead, she got mad and complained to her mother about me. I think she was more upset that I cancelled out an engagement than really being genuinely interested in me.

It sounds like you have had a relationship longer than 2 months before talking about marriage....how is it you didn't find out the truth about your wife in the time you had in relationship being about 3 years is it?

Yes, that pool. Every decent, good looking girl is taken in my bracket. The guys they are with are all higher earners. Not $200K guys, but decent pay ($85K-$130K).

But I thought you were pulling women and getting laid from your other threads. You just don't think the women is as hot as your ex-wife. Your ex-wife was so hot that you would not even look at porn and just masturbate to her nude body if she wasn't satisfying you.

If you are honest with yourself then you'll understand all of the hb9's are taken. Your ex-wife was an hb9-10 to you. Other girls are like an hb6. Maybe you have to lower your standards a bit. You don't need to settle with a ug3-4 but realistically, you should try hb8 if hb9-10 are all taken to those types of guys. Do you think maybe that is it?

 

[expos]

But, when dating, my pool comes mainly from the neighboring rich county. Lot's of divorced women there looking. Their exes were loaded.

There's my answer right there, right? I guess I should expect my ex-wife to get married and divorced again.

 

[expos]

Sounds allot like my ex-gf I dumped last year. She also was on anti-depressants and I found this out accidentally as she blurted out that she had to see her psychologist. I only really knew her for around 9 months, had a relationship with her 4 1/2 months, and we planned to get married after 1 1/2 months of dating. I studied the truth about her from consulting with her ex-husband then just freaked out. I only would have really got married to lose my virginity with a clean, STD-free woman, who can't have kids (i.e. so you can fvck her as much as you want without worrying about her getting pregnant like a fvck-doll (i.e. she has turner's syndrome - assuming she likes fvcking herself - hear anti-depressants can kill libido and she doesn't look at porn or anything like that).

Anyway, when I dumped her because of the info I got from her ex-husband behind her back (the following morning after I dated her and I consulted with her ex-husband while I was seeing her and informed her mom), she never fought for the relationship. Instead, she got mad and complained to her mother about me. I think she was more upset that I cancelled out an engagement than really being genuinely interested in me.

It sounds like you have had a relationship longer than 2 months before talking about marriage....how is it you didn't find out the truth about your wife in the time you had in relationship being about 3 years is it?

Hey corrector, I think we've talked before in my other thread. You dodged a bullet and you did absolutely the right thing by digging up her history. Take whatever action you need to protect yourself. If that means talking to old BF's, pulling her friends aside and reading between the lines (you can tell by their expressions), or doing any other necessary digging. YOU have to come first. You made the right call.

Dated 8 months before I proposed. Had no signs of BPD, bad attitude, etc. She WAS PERFECT. I saw only one sign of an attitude. We went to her parents house and her brother was there. He's a good guy. They began fighting within 20 minutes. I was sort of got a weird feeling about it, but I couldn't expect her to be perfect all the time. Little did I know that this was a sign of things to come. She doesn't get along with her dad either, they rarely talk. After we got married, and after the honeymoon, and after we bought this beautiful house, it is almost like someone kidnapped the pretty, charming, sweet, generous girl I dated and replaced her with this princess b!tch.

But I thought you were pulling women and getting laid from your other threads. You just don't think the women is as hot as your ex-wife. Your ex-wife was so hot that you would not even look at porn and just masturbate to her nude body if she wasn't satisfying you. How is it you've managed to be married for 2 years and not have kids? Was this a deliberate choice?

I got laid earlier this summer - two different girls. 27 year old crazy chick who was about a HB6-7. I cut her loose, she was an AW. Then a HB8-9 for two months with a 3 year old, but her divorce had been finalized 3 months prior to us dating and she was not in a good place. I didn't develop feelings for her.

Why did I not have kids with my wife? She was being a b!tch almost every week, and withholding sex. I put my foot down and wanted things to change. She wanted kids so badly, but she gave me no confidence in having a healthy family structure. I envisioned her being a bad mother, and her attitude being even worse after a kid was added to the mix.

We had sex almost everyday while dating, and sex 10-15 times within a 3 year marriage. Every time we did, she always wanted me to finish up quick. I have NO CLUE why this happened. It was a disaster.