Family members affecting my self worth and confidence

[Stephen89]

Hi guys

I'm 26 and going to start applying for programming, developer jobs in April. I'm also setting up a maths tutoring business on the side and save up money and try to invest that in the next 3-4 years.

I lost my mom when I was 11 years old and before that she had issues.

I have a younger cousin who's 4 year's my junior and my younger sister is a year younger than me. They get so much support and encouragement from my uncle's and aunt's, for example, the most respected uncle of mine told my younger cousin "look for a nice women" and my aunty said meet someone at your uni and they ignored me and once again my most respected uncle told him again at another time in front of me "look for the nice women". My uncle's also say to my younger sister "make sure you marry someone nice".

I'd like to say I was verbally abused by one of my other uncle's when I was 21 and ever since then he has a negative attitude towards me for no reason. His wife (my aunty) does also ignore me at events when I look to say hi to her.

Not once in my whole 26 years have they said to me "go for it", "look for a women" "date women" or along those lines, they say it to my younger cousin and sister, but not me, even though I've lived without a mother my whole life, working hard in my career, business, done nothing wrong, contribute towards the house bills, cook food (my sister does none of this). I'm mature, responsible, have good qualities.

I see them so often and they can't say anything positive about me, they don't even ask "what are you doing now" or they don't even ask "look for a women" do they want me to suffer? And when they talk about finance, car insurance, my most respected uncle cuts me out and don't make eye contact with me, I visit him a lot.

Sorry for the long post, I see them often and I get left out, ignored and they can't say anything positive about me, so it's affecting my self worth and confidence in life.

 

[Serenity]

You say you're mature, responsible and have good qualities while your younger sister and cousin do not? Does it then not make sense they are more in need of encouragement and support than you?

Is this about a lack of positive remarks only or are they explicitly negative towards you? If it's the former then you have no reason to let your confidence and self-worth fall.

If some of them are explicitly negative towards you then state your boundaries. If they won't respect them then make them, if they still cause trouble then tell them to fvck off and shut them out of your life.

 

[Tictac]

Why do you give a single sh*t about whether they ask you 'what are you doing' or 'look for a woman'?

Your happiness and wellbeing isn't their job, it's your job.

Yes it's a crappy way to grow up. So you may need to do a little repair work. But you are 26 now. Your self-worth and confidence is your issue. Trying to hold anyone else responsible for it is your way of staying a boy.

 

[parkthebus]

Firstly, whenever they are "verbally abusive" towards you, you need to do the same back and show them you're not a walk over. They probably give advice to your cousins because they feel they are wiser, your cousins are impressionable and the advice will be well received. They probably think in the back of their minds that you're wiser than they are and so they don't want to give you advice in case you shoot them down and they lose ground on their egos.

 

[Stephen89]

Thanks for the advice guys, all the advice here is very good. Yes I need to state my boundaries and my self worth and confidence is my own job.

However, when I was my younger cousins age, they still didn't give me any support or encouragement, when I was 19 they never did, when I was 22 they never did, infact when I was any age they never did. I'm sure they talk behind my back (they do to other people) too.

I've also noticed they treat my younger cousins and sister more differently than me, at a party two months ago, one of my aunties walked past me and my younger cousin was standing right next to me, she smiled and poked his belly and talked to him while ignoring me.

 

[Tictac]

However, when I was my younger cousins age, they still didn't give me any support or encouragement, when I was 19 they never did, when I was 22 they never did, infact when I was any age they never did. I'm sure they talk behind my back (they do to other people) too.

I've also noticed they treat my younger cousins and sister more differently than me, at a party two months ago, one of my aunties walked past me and my younger cousin was standing right next to me, she smiled and poked his belly and talked to him while ignoring me.

This is lame excuse making. So cut the crap.

Your happiness is not their job. It's YOUR job.

There is no 'however', no 'but', no excuse whatever.

 

[Stephen89]

Thanks tictac, I'll cut the crap, my happiness is my job and my life is my responsibility.

 

[yungballa]

I'll put it to you like this: Do not seek external validation or encouragement.

If you're family or friends or anyone close to you refuses to support you, then that's not your problem. That's what they decide, leave it at that.

Here in this life, at the end of the day all that you got is yourself. And that's a true statement. Most people only wanna be by your side just to benefit off you, and that's a true story also. Like I said, you've only got yourself in the end.

DETACH yourself of what the outside world thinks of you, including your family in friends. Be DETACHED of whether or not people think positively of you or not. The only thing that should matter is what you think of yourself.

You shouldn't seek other people's words to cheer you up. No, no, no. That is not a good idea. You're just making yourself feel good based on what OTHER'S limited perspective on you says. Why do I say limited perspective? Because no one knows you like you. You know yourself better than anyone on this planet.

You've gotta take pride in being you and love yourself. All you really need at the end of the day is yourself, and you need to push yourself and strive to succeed, because like I stated, most of the time no one will be there for you holding your hand. No, not at all. This is LIFE, and you have to walk your OWN road alone.

So you must be in charge of your well-being, you must cheer yourself up, you must be in charge of your happiness as others say. Your happiness comes from WITHIN. Don't seek happiness outside of yourself, it won't last long. You should strive to make YOURSELF happy, don't seek happiness from off other people. It's your life, and your current state is completely controlled by you.

No man on this planet can make you feel any certain type of way without your consent. As long as you control yourself, you can control how you feel about anything. Like I said... do not look outside for happiness. Everything comes from within you.

 

[JohnyTheArrow]

You are your only REAL friend.Family is overrated.Remeber they are just people with whom you share some genetics it doesnt mean they will love you or support you.They owe you nothning and you owe them nothing.So find support in the internet from strangers and from them expect nothing.Move on.

 

[Konada]

I'll go against the grain here and say that external validation is something very hard to get over if your life is riddled with past failures that built up over time. I never got over my need for other people's approval until the point I asked my dad this question 'Are you proud of me?' He said 'No'. It hurt like a motherfvcker but in the end it did offer me resolution frok my past baggage.

So what I suggest you do is to confront your aunt and uncle about it. You may not like the answer you get but I have a hunch your key to resolution is in what you want to say to them. Intellectually the advice here is pretty sound, true resolution comes when you align your intellectual, physical and emotional self.

 

[yungballa]

accept everything (it is what it is; accept what happens to you in daily life) and dont expect anything. the more you expect thing from people it'll end in misfortune for you. in other words, the more you rely on others and lean on them or expect something from them you're just hurting yourself.

just trust and believe in yourself. you should be the one to uplift yourself

 

[blind_one]

Do not let anyone take away your joy from you. Do not base your confidence or happiness on other people either. Become full from the inside.

 

[sambwoy]

I can relate. As an aspergers sufferer with body dysmorphic disorder who was picked on at school, and shot down in adulthood, I grew tired of seeking validation and rely on 'social proof' to reinforce that I could be attractive to women without having to fit into some stereotype/box (because in many arenas I simply can't).

Socially, jerk types tend to associate with the HB9s who follow them, and I had to learn to get over that. I just accepted it as the way of things.
It's been a long hard road and a depressing one.

 

[GetFit66]

Yungballa and konada posted some good advice imo.

Im glad you posted, I'm in a similar situation. Where is your dad?

From my experience I agree with the two posters I mentioned above, here are some of my thoughts:

1) perhaps you arnt as sociable or don't mix as nicely with your extended family
2) extended families are frequently about a circle jerk, someone is always after something
3) relatives think that because they have done things for you because your parents arnt there that they would only do for their own kids, you must be so ****ing thankful to them because gee they have made up for your parents, **** off.
4) uncle saggy tits probably gossiped about you or talk behind your back like a little girl. "Adults" have more authority or weight with their words, so unless someone is seriously taking your side, sucks to be you.
5) Your the eldest perhaps the expect you to take care of your younger siblings. And be a perfectly raised 26 year old man because you gotta do better for you siblings.
6) your going to keep missing that validation. **** it. **** them. Now go kick ass and **** them in their own ass with their own sawed off hands.

Thank you.

Sorry as you can see I hate idiots.

 

[GetFit66]

Also don't ignite a fire or start something big until you are established and sure your ready to gtfo.

It sounds like your sister is the only one you've really got (hopefully) keep your relationship with her strong.

 

[Stephen89]

Thank you guys for all the replies and advice, I appreciate all of this especially the detail in which some of you have gone into.

I live with my father and thankfully my other cousins who are around the same age as me or slighly younger at university, we are all have a positive relationship towards eachother.

I'm appreciative of all the good things in my life and I'm cultivating happyness within myself, I'm walking my own road, I will be full in myself, believe and trust in myself. In this life, you are born alone and you will die alone and only you are responsible for your own life and responsible for your own happyness. Life is short, why spend time worrying or being negative? I also should be happy for my career, potential income and everything.

 

[Tictac]

Thank you guys for all the replies and advice, I appreciate all of this especially the detail in which some of you have gone into.

I live with my father and thankfully my other cousins who are around the same age as me or slighly younger at university, we are all have a positive relationship towards eachother.

I'm appreciative of all the good things in my life and I'm cultivating happyness within myself, I'm walking my own road, I will be full in myself, believe and trust in myself. In this life, you are born alone and you will die alone and only you are responsible for your own life and responsible for your own happyness. Life is short, why spend time worrying or being negative? I also should be happy for my career, potential income and everything.

Not the easiest thing to do when you've 'grown up' with little encouragement, some neglect and such. But in the scheme of things ways better than many if not most in the world.

It's what you do now that counts. Sounds like you're on the right track.

 

[BeExcellent]

Good that you have some positive influence from Dad and your cousins. In life often times the people most likely to shoot down your ambitions are those close to you. Often it has less to do with you and more to do with how if you go out and excel at something or experience success it highlights (in their mind) the other person's failure to achieve and so people can be uncomfortable with the success of others. Very common. You are not alone in this. As others have said you are the one to determine your path, you are ultimately accountable for your life, and you can accomplish what you set out to do.

When I started in business most of my family ridiculed me and or didn't believe in me (here she goes about THAT again....). I came from a rather unsupportive family. I became successful despite any of this, despite some nasty curveballs life tossed over. I never quit; in fact I used the chip on my shoulder to drive forward with that much more determination. Now I am measurably successful. People come to me sometimes for guidance and I assist others when I can because there were those who did take the time to mentor me. So I pay it forward when I can.

My Dad was a huge critic at first and now he is very proud. He knows I did it in spite of his discouragement. I never needed to say "I told you so". He always loved me; but his RESPECT is what sets me apart from the rest of the family. The facts speak for themselves now. A few months ago my teen age son and I were driving around chatting. My son said "You know Mom, You have done a lot for this city. I see the results and I am proud to be your son." My son who has watched me bust my *** for his whole young life. Priceless.

When you accomplish what you set out to accomplish and you reach your goals none of this will bother you anymore. There remain a few people close to me who would love to see me fail. I associate as little as possible with those people. They are family but not friends. You have to internalize your desire and feed it. So right now you must believe. As you accomplish things, however small you are training your mind that you ARE worthy; you ARE worthwhile etc., and after a while reaching your goals becomes a habit and you will KNOW you can do things before you start. You will have personal power in your sphere at that point and it will exude itself in every facet of your life. And it will be GOOD.

 

[LiveYourDream]

"The Secret of Change Is to Focus All of Your Energy, Not on Fighting the Old, But on Building the New"--Socrates