Thank you in advance for any advice you may offer. I'm in a dark place and am really in need of some straightening out.
We met while we were both performers in China. We had immediate mutual high interest, and we found ourselves in a relationship fairly quickly, despite other opportunities I had available. After a few months, her contract ended and I was to remain behind indefinitely, but she went to great lengths to find another full-time job, only an hour away from me with easy public transit, so that we could still be together. I was blown away that she actually followed through with this, and I continued to turn down other decent opportunities because I saw potential here.
After another six months of bliss, I was unexpectedly not renewed at my job, but she gave me her full support, and I moved in with her. During this time however, two members of my family had serious issues requiring my physical support, and I returned to the states to help. She and I were separated for up to three months at a time, but we held it together without a hitch. I chose to remain unemployed during this time, turning down performance contract offers, as I had to be two places at once in the states for my ailing family members. By this point, the allure of performance had also started to wear off, and I was looking for something more stable.
Once my family issues were clear, I returned to China to be with her and resumed the job search. After only a couple failed attempts, my old job where I had performed last asked me to return, but this time in my boss's former position, as he had left the company recently. This is a perpetual, managerial position, offering great stability, which I of course accepted, and we were both incredibly happy that our future was set.
After three months on the job, which brings us to this past January, I felt solid enough to seriously propose the idea of marriage. She surprisingly stammered on it though, and I said no rush, let's sort it out by September or so and decide. By then we're at three years, which I felt was long enough, and we'd already proved we could get through tough times together. But this marked the beginning of where things turned downward, although I underestimated how much at the time. She decided suddenly she didn't want to live and have kids in China, living too far from her family back in England. Keep in mind I have a great job with a high standard of living, decent salary, further upward potential, lots of perks, and a safe environment. The time we spent together here was always fun EXCEPT when discussing the future from her doubtful perspective. Lots of expats have kids here, including many of her friends. I assured her we could fly her back home every few months for as long as she wanted, but none of this helped. She felt I didn't make enough to support a family, but that was laughably untrue. She did mention off the cuff that if I made an amount that was 2.5 times higher, it'd be a different story.
In searching for reasons for her pulling back, the best I could extract is that she really was still stuck in her highlife mentality, and I wasn't going to provide that. She also insisted on living in England, which I was up for doing, but at the right time and for the right job opportunity, so I advised that we would at least start our marriage in China, and then make the move smartly. But for me to make a sacrifice of that size, we'd have to be married first, which would also make securing a job in England far more possible. But she refused to compromise, stating "why should I settle for second best." In hindsight, I should have left at this remark, because in letting it slide in the hopes her outlook would improve, I only later lost her respect further. A subsequent remark was "what you have to offer is not good enough." She felt we would "struggle" back home, that I couldn't "make it" there, though I defended that while we may have to get on our feet initially, I have an employable degree, management experience, and we'd be fine.
Throw in that I had met her family during the unemployed period, and was the first guy to ever do so. They privately disapproved of the relationship however, as they didn't want her settling too far away either, and despite having savings to get me through the down period and taking care of family, they weren't blown away by my jobless status at the time. I never felt the eventual management job ever fully changed that impression unfortunately, as I never seemed to win their approval. Nevertheless, they still told her to give China a try, meaning to leave her job, stay with me a few months, try it out, and if it didn't work, leave back to England. But she wouldn't agree to this, even though she had nothing to lose ultimately.
I began my denial phase by this point, believing that love would win out over these material concerns, and I decided to remain confidently persistent to the cause.
By June, things had reached a breaking point, and she revealed that what was once her every-few-month cocaine habit had developed into a once-or-twice-a-week habit, happening right under my nose (forgive the expression). I told her she had to quit cold turkey, as I was firm that the mother of my kid couldn't be an addict. She blamed the drug uptick on the pressure of knowing September and the "marriage decision" was approaching. I never really made it a hard deadline other than that I preferred to buy the ring at home during this time while on leave, but I felt it unfair that her use was blamed at all on me. At this time there was a brief scare over work permits being renewed by the government, which I expressed some nervousness over, a possible mistake, but I still stated we'd figure it out and be fine whatever happened. I'm not sure she was convinced however.
We continued on, but signs of her decreasing respect for me were becoming more present. It's worth noting at this point that all of her previous exes were wealthy, though none ever exceeded five months together. We are up to three years by this point, her first real long relationship. Where at first I was the amazing guy she said she never thought she'd meet, I ended up where she believed I'd never be able to afford a house in England, or that I'd be too cheap to buy one. I've always budgeted as necessary, saving on the small stuff, but to spend on the big stuff, and I did splurge on several occasions, including three long-distance vacations for us. She has saved well here, but carries a large student loan debt that she ignores and always refused discussion on.
In August, she finally broke it off while high on the phone, confessing that the cocaine had continued nonstop the past two months since she promised to stop. Wanting to hit the reset button as fast as possible, I hopped a flight to Thailand for a few days and caught up with some old friends. Upon return, I restarted workouts with a renewed vigor, even starting an accountability thread to my Facebook with a monetary payoff if I didn't lift on scheduled days. I maintained NC through blocking IMs the entire time, and was getting better.
We met while we were both performers in China. We had immediate mutual high interest, and we found ourselves in a relationship fairly quickly, despite other opportunities I had available. After a few months, her contract ended and I was to remain behind indefinitely, but she went to great lengths to find another full-time job, only an hour away from me with easy public transit, so that we could still be together. I was blown away that she actually followed through with this, and I continued to turn down other decent opportunities because I saw potential here.
After another six months of bliss, I was unexpectedly not renewed at my job, but she gave me her full support, and I moved in with her. During this time however, two members of my family had serious issues requiring my physical support, and I returned to the states to help. She and I were separated for up to three months at a time, but we held it together without a hitch. I chose to remain unemployed during this time, turning down performance contract offers, as I had to be two places at once in the states for my ailing family members. By this point, the allure of performance had also started to wear off, and I was looking for something more stable.
Once my family issues were clear, I returned to China to be with her and resumed the job search. After only a couple failed attempts, my old job where I had performed last asked me to return, but this time in my boss's former position, as he had left the company recently. This is a perpetual, managerial position, offering great stability, which I of course accepted, and we were both incredibly happy that our future was set.
After three months on the job, which brings us to this past January, I felt solid enough to seriously propose the idea of marriage. She surprisingly stammered on it though, and I said no rush, let's sort it out by September or so and decide. By then we're at three years, which I felt was long enough, and we'd already proved we could get through tough times together. But this marked the beginning of where things turned downward, although I underestimated how much at the time. She decided suddenly she didn't want to live and have kids in China, living too far from her family back in England. Keep in mind I have a great job with a high standard of living, decent salary, further upward potential, lots of perks, and a safe environment. The time we spent together here was always fun EXCEPT when discussing the future from her doubtful perspective. Lots of expats have kids here, including many of her friends. I assured her we could fly her back home every few months for as long as she wanted, but none of this helped. She felt I didn't make enough to support a family, but that was laughably untrue. She did mention off the cuff that if I made an amount that was 2.5 times higher, it'd be a different story.
In searching for reasons for her pulling back, the best I could extract is that she really was still stuck in her highlife mentality, and I wasn't going to provide that. She also insisted on living in England, which I was up for doing, but at the right time and for the right job opportunity, so I advised that we would at least start our marriage in China, and then make the move smartly. But for me to make a sacrifice of that size, we'd have to be married first, which would also make securing a job in England far more possible. But she refused to compromise, stating "why should I settle for second best." In hindsight, I should have left at this remark, because in letting it slide in the hopes her outlook would improve, I only later lost her respect further. A subsequent remark was "what you have to offer is not good enough." She felt we would "struggle" back home, that I couldn't "make it" there, though I defended that while we may have to get on our feet initially, I have an employable degree, management experience, and we'd be fine.
Throw in that I had met her family during the unemployed period, and was the first guy to ever do so. They privately disapproved of the relationship however, as they didn't want her settling too far away either, and despite having savings to get me through the down period and taking care of family, they weren't blown away by my jobless status at the time. I never felt the eventual management job ever fully changed that impression unfortunately, as I never seemed to win their approval. Nevertheless, they still told her to give China a try, meaning to leave her job, stay with me a few months, try it out, and if it didn't work, leave back to England. But she wouldn't agree to this, even though she had nothing to lose ultimately.
I began my denial phase by this point, believing that love would win out over these material concerns, and I decided to remain confidently persistent to the cause.
By June, things had reached a breaking point, and she revealed that what was once her every-few-month cocaine habit had developed into a once-or-twice-a-week habit, happening right under my nose (forgive the expression). I told her she had to quit cold turkey, as I was firm that the mother of my kid couldn't be an addict. She blamed the drug uptick on the pressure of knowing September and the "marriage decision" was approaching. I never really made it a hard deadline other than that I preferred to buy the ring at home during this time while on leave, but I felt it unfair that her use was blamed at all on me. At this time there was a brief scare over work permits being renewed by the government, which I expressed some nervousness over, a possible mistake, but I still stated we'd figure it out and be fine whatever happened. I'm not sure she was convinced however.
We continued on, but signs of her decreasing respect for me were becoming more present. It's worth noting at this point that all of her previous exes were wealthy, though none ever exceeded five months together. We are up to three years by this point, her first real long relationship. Where at first I was the amazing guy she said she never thought she'd meet, I ended up where she believed I'd never be able to afford a house in England, or that I'd be too cheap to buy one. I've always budgeted as necessary, saving on the small stuff, but to spend on the big stuff, and I did splurge on several occasions, including three long-distance vacations for us. She has saved well here, but carries a large student loan debt that she ignores and always refused discussion on.
In August, she finally broke it off while high on the phone, confessing that the cocaine had continued nonstop the past two months since she promised to stop. Wanting to hit the reset button as fast as possible, I hopped a flight to Thailand for a few days and caught up with some old friends. Upon return, I restarted workouts with a renewed vigor, even starting an accountability thread to my Facebook with a monetary payoff if I didn't lift on scheduled days. I maintained NC through blocking IMs the entire time, and was getting better.
