Ex Wife Coaching Our Kids on "Moving On"

[FMCSMT]

Our kids are 12, 10 and 6, boy, girl, boy.

Now I hear a lot of BS coming from her end through the kids and I blow it off as if she didn't say anything. I don't go to her ask her why she says the things she does. I just pretend she doesn't exist. We have 50/50 and equal custody both physical and legal. I have treated her as if I do not need her and never talk to her or engage in her lengthy emails that she periodically sends.

Anyway, my oldest comes to me and says that I haven't moved on. I was a bit taken off guard by this and wanted to learn his rationale. He said that because I don't have a girlfriend, I haven't moved on with my life.

Now keep in mind, I date and spin plates and even my kids have become accustomed to it and realize that I don't take dating seriously. It has evolved them in a way that they don't feel threatened if they meet a woman I am dating. They sort of laugh it off. They have even told women that I am dating that they have no chance staying with me. Truth is, this attitude has given them a sense of security.

I also just built and moved into a new home. I had to get out of the marital home and out of the town completely and enrolled the kids into the school where we now live. In the weeks before closing I received letter after letter from my ex's attorney trying everything she could to interrupt the closing process of the new home. Disclaimer (and verified): My ex, her husband, and her parents are intensely jealous of myself building a new house. The kids are not allowed to talk about it when they are with mom/grandma/etc.

Now, I have heard a lot of garbage and I just let it roll. If something does get to me, I have a couple of people that I can vent on.

But putting the notion in my own child's head that I have not moved on because I don't have a girlfriend resonated with me.

I had to ask my son "Where did you hear that?" He said "Mom...mom has moved on with her life because she is remarried. That's how she explained it to me".

I wanted to say so badly - Have you seen how many emails she sent me last night (8)?? Have I shown you proof that she is stalking me on Facebook?? Do you see how she acts around me (head down, deeply remorseful)? Have you ever asked yourself why I smile and remain positive when she is always negative and never smiles? Why is it that she never kisses or holds hands with her husband (dude is nasty, not being jealous, being honest, one of the girls that I dated for a while said she could not force herself to orgasm with that, true story).

I don't know, I guess I'm just venting a bit. His statement resonated with me for about a week now...

Have any of you experienced this and how would you suggest to handle it, if do anything at all?

 

[Roober]

This is low level parental alienation, and quite common between parents whom are separated. I believe you bite your tongue in the mudslinging as that only brings you down to her level.

She can and will think whatever she wants to think. That is her choice. Her actions and words indicate quite the opposite of what she is projecting on your son and you know that AND that is all that matters. Do NOT let yourself feel guilty for the expectations and ridicule others place on you when you are genuinely acting from a good place in your heart.

How would I approach it?
1-"Thank you for sharing."

2-then put her argument on a pedestal. "Shes completely right. I may still be stuck..." or whatever other nonsense.

3- then knock the pedestal down. "Fortunately for your mom, she found someone right away, and I am happy for her. She is doing well and happy with her life. I wish it were that easy for me"

4-then the tough lesson. "I am very selective in who I choose to spend my time with. A mans time is his most valuable gift. I have to consider you guys, my family, my job, and everything. I'm sure your mom did the same with her husband. Relationships are important to me, but I dont want one just for the sake 9f not being alone. Being alone has great opportunities for personal growth "

Something along those lines. Do not stoop to her level though!

 

[HankHill]

As someone also divorced with kids, first and foremost don't ever say bad/negative about their mother, it'll stay with the kids. I've learned to just say "I'm happy for her" or "that's great" etc. and change the topic and move on. You can have these conversations later on when the kids are older. But if you really wanted to elaborate I would just say 'To me it's more important to have a fun and happy life rather than rushing to be with someone for the sake of being in a relationship".

 

[Chev.Chelios]

it's crazy after losing my family and engagement to a bpd who uses those monogamous vulnerabilitys and kids as ammo to manipulate and murder you, the only way I've found my in closure and cut all the bitter emotions out of myself which she was preying on to hurt me was the deep realization that everything about marriage and family is based upon a false paradigm created by an evil sadistic church which has came clean about molesting millions of little boys recently.

understanding deeply that monogamy with women is a huge mistake you were suckered into unwillingly since birth and everything you were taught to believe about it is false and WRONG.

then you can genuinly enjoy being single and not ever go their with any female ever again.

 

[AttackFormation]

As someone also divorced with kids, first and foremost don't ever say bad/negative about their mother, it'll stay with the kids. I've learned to just say "I'm happy for her" or "that's great" etc. and change the topic and move on. You can have these conversations later on when the kids are older. But if you really wanted to elaborate I would just say 'To me it's more important to have a fun and happy life rather than rushing to be with someone for the sake of being in a relationship".

This. Not sure what bullsh!t Roober is trying to peddle.

 

[Fzatf]

My ex-wife talks smack about me and my family to my daughter yet we don't do the same back. When my daughter is older I hope she can see the difference in our approach.

In your shoes I'd let the kids know that you chose the lifestyle you have and are happy with where you are. You have moved on and are having the time of your life.