jnMissouri
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Nov 2, 2014
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- 793
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I've done some research on this online from threads in other forums I've found but I'm curious what people here say.
It's been two years since he died, of a drug overdose. The man was a violent felon, philanderer and abusive to her (physically and emotionally). They lived in a rental house and he left her with nothing but four kids to care for.
I'm the third guy she has dated since he died. We started talking in mid May and have been a couple since mid June when we met up (she lives across the country where I planned to relocate before we met, at least it was one of two places I had considered). I spend half of my time there since I work remotely. She also comes to see me.
She has had ZERO problems introducing me to family, friends, etc. But she did talk about him a lot, like that reminds me of that time X did this or we went there. Just events, nothing romantic. I talked to her about it and she agreed to stop. I didn't fly across the country each trip to, what felt like, listen to her stories about her husband. She also did not like that I talked about my ex either, but my break up was recent, her loss was two ears ago. So we both stopped talking about the past.
That said, her facebook is a shrine. Her background photo is of them together and his date of birth and death with a heart. It still says she is married to him. People come to her house when they see her fb shrine and give condolences, not realizing she has a boyfriend. We discussed this and she started updating it, starting with where she works, but the shrine is still there...but to be fair it still says she lives in the old city that she moved away from, 2 hours away.
She has a poem he wrote her about seeing her eyes again in heaven someday, something he wrote when they had a fight or something, long before the drug overdose. Also a picture of them as a family in the dinning room. That I can kind of understand for the kids (the teenagers don't speak fondly of him due to his abuse). We've discussed the poem and pictures and she said it's just one picture, and that it's not a poem she wrote about seeing him again, it's one he wrote about her. This is a woman who wants to get married, but I feel like I'm some consolation prize to this guy, even though I'm waaaay better than him financially, education wise, career wise, etc.
I look somewhat like him. The shrines make me feel like some consolation prize. That if he was still here she would choose him. I've read a lot about this and A LOT of people have this issue with widowers and widows and their shrines. It's like they can't let go. They don't consider how they'd feel if we left pictures of our exes up around the house, love letters, etc.
Thing is she started updating her facebook but got sidetracked she claimed, after updating her employer. I've brought it up since then and she has STILL not made any changes other than that. To be fair, she is a spas. I don't feel like committing to this woman further, moving across the country or continuing a relationship with her because it feels like her life still revolves around his memory...a man who beat her, died of a drug overdose, was a violent felon and left her with nothing but four kids to raise. Then again, she is very attractive and good in bed, plus she seems loyal. We both work with each other on trust items. From what I've read though, this is somewhat the norm with widows and widowers and people struggle with them. I've seen MANY people online that said been there, done that, these people will drain you with their baggage and you'll be living with a ghost for the rest of your life. Speaking of which, she has asked me to move in with her.
I don't know what to do, I've tried talking to her and she started making updates, then got sidetracked like I said, and I brought it up again, and she still didn't make the changes. It's like she can't. I don't believe her that she got sidetracked, because the photos on facebook, the photos in the dinning room, the poem, her talking about him a lot, make me think she's not over this man. The fading effect bias has made her forget the bad and only remember the good. Despite the fact that she told me she considered that since she would never divorce, his drug OD was God's way of giving her an out.
Or is this stuff not a big deal? I know I'm way better than him, the guy was an ABSOLUTE loser. But she was married to him for 17 years (she's not the divorce type).
It's been two years since he died, of a drug overdose. The man was a violent felon, philanderer and abusive to her (physically and emotionally). They lived in a rental house and he left her with nothing but four kids to care for.
I'm the third guy she has dated since he died. We started talking in mid May and have been a couple since mid June when we met up (she lives across the country where I planned to relocate before we met, at least it was one of two places I had considered). I spend half of my time there since I work remotely. She also comes to see me.
She has had ZERO problems introducing me to family, friends, etc. But she did talk about him a lot, like that reminds me of that time X did this or we went there. Just events, nothing romantic. I talked to her about it and she agreed to stop. I didn't fly across the country each trip to, what felt like, listen to her stories about her husband. She also did not like that I talked about my ex either, but my break up was recent, her loss was two ears ago. So we both stopped talking about the past.
That said, her facebook is a shrine. Her background photo is of them together and his date of birth and death with a heart. It still says she is married to him. People come to her house when they see her fb shrine and give condolences, not realizing she has a boyfriend. We discussed this and she started updating it, starting with where she works, but the shrine is still there...but to be fair it still says she lives in the old city that she moved away from, 2 hours away.
She has a poem he wrote her about seeing her eyes again in heaven someday, something he wrote when they had a fight or something, long before the drug overdose. Also a picture of them as a family in the dinning room. That I can kind of understand for the kids (the teenagers don't speak fondly of him due to his abuse). We've discussed the poem and pictures and she said it's just one picture, and that it's not a poem she wrote about seeing him again, it's one he wrote about her. This is a woman who wants to get married, but I feel like I'm some consolation prize to this guy, even though I'm waaaay better than him financially, education wise, career wise, etc.
I look somewhat like him. The shrines make me feel like some consolation prize. That if he was still here she would choose him. I've read a lot about this and A LOT of people have this issue with widowers and widows and their shrines. It's like they can't let go. They don't consider how they'd feel if we left pictures of our exes up around the house, love letters, etc.
Thing is she started updating her facebook but got sidetracked she claimed, after updating her employer. I've brought it up since then and she has STILL not made any changes other than that. To be fair, she is a spas. I don't feel like committing to this woman further, moving across the country or continuing a relationship with her because it feels like her life still revolves around his memory...a man who beat her, died of a drug overdose, was a violent felon and left her with nothing but four kids to raise. Then again, she is very attractive and good in bed, plus she seems loyal. We both work with each other on trust items. From what I've read though, this is somewhat the norm with widows and widowers and people struggle with them. I've seen MANY people online that said been there, done that, these people will drain you with their baggage and you'll be living with a ghost for the rest of your life. Speaking of which, she has asked me to move in with her.
I don't know what to do, I've tried talking to her and she started making updates, then got sidetracked like I said, and I brought it up again, and she still didn't make the changes. It's like she can't. I don't believe her that she got sidetracked, because the photos on facebook, the photos in the dinning room, the poem, her talking about him a lot, make me think she's not over this man. The fading effect bias has made her forget the bad and only remember the good. Despite the fact that she told me she considered that since she would never divorce, his drug OD was God's way of giving her an out.
Or is this stuff not a big deal? I know I'm way better than him, the guy was an ABSOLUTE loser. But she was married to him for 17 years (she's not the divorce type).
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