Emotional Unavailability

[darkstarrr]

Is it just a matter of time passing or am I just being a wuss? I'm making slow progress with a coupe plates but to be perfectly honest I really don't "like" any of these girls. I can tell I am emotionally unavailable and I am wondering what other guys experiences have been with this phenomenon who have been cheated on and/or dumped for someone else.

I believe there are several components to this but one of the biggest components is having developed trust issues.

Thanks.

 

[Mr. Me]

re: trust issues after being cheated on

I think we had "blind trust" previous to that. We're brought up generally to be trusting of others. We're brought up to believe love lasts forever, those things could never happen to us, this one's different. Then we come to find out we all share the human experience after all.

But now, we're not blind, and that works better for us. Now, we grant trust conditionally rather then unconditionally as we may have before.

One of the other things that happens is we tend to compare new woman to the idolized version of the ex who dumped us. It's like the widow who places her deceased husband on a pedestal. And no one can compare. Thing is, you were with your ex because she had some traits that really did the trick for you, and then you got accustomed to her for your fix, so to speak. New girls coming down the pike may not exhibit many of those same traits, otherwise, you'd be in love with virtually every woman you meet. That's not to say you won't find those traits again, as they're probably somewhat common.

These particular women you're talking about just don't do it for you. But that's okay for now. Practice on them - you don't want to get rusty, you want to get ready.

 

[Bible_Belt]

having developed trust issues.


I would argue that you have learned to be realistic, while most other people remain naive about the way relationships end.

 

[Janez]

You could also say that you "simply don't click with these women". The good thing about that is that you would not care as much even if you were "cheated" again while in reality you are somehow cheating them by being "emotionally unavailable".

I'm not judging or whatever as I feel content in quite the same situation and if I have fallen for another girl I would probably be again too obsessed and jelaous and that's not where I would like to be at the moment.

Keep it up man, I see you progressed a lot in last few months.

 

[jophil28]

... I really don't "like" any of these girls. I can tell I am emotionally unavailable and I am wondering what other guys experiences have been with this phenomenon who have been cheated on and/or dumped for someone else.

Not to worry, I did not "like" most of the women that I have met either .
He he.

I gather that you are really saying that you are not particularly attracted to them and further, you are wary and very standoffish because of your recent experience with your wackjob ex G/f ?


Give yourself a little more time, man.
Healing takes a while if you have been drained by a PD woman.

 

[darkstarrr]

I might be totally missing something, but it isn't like your post said "OMG, I falling for this super hot sex freak and I'm finding myself holding back from falling in love because I'm afraid of being hurt again." Now that would be a trust issue.

You just simply don't find any of your plates attractive. Time to upgrade, dude.

Not to worry, I did not "like" most of the women that I have met either .
He he.

I gather that you are really saying that you are not particularly attracted to them and further, you are wary and very standoffish because of your recent experience with your wackjob ex G/f ?


Give yourself a little more time, man.
Healing takes a while if you have been drained by a PD woman.

True. It's all relative to a degree. I mean, if I was stuck on a deserted island with one of my current plates my attraction level would be through the roof I'm sure. I would hide in the trees and shubbery and hunt them like they were animals. I would set up traps and mate with them, only to set them free like when I go fishing, and repeat the process all over again in some new creative way.

Anyways! The number of women in my rotation is growing each week. Its odd though because I was making out with this one chic the other day and the butterflies just weren't there. That might have something to do with my libido being out of wack, but my endocrinologist and I are working on that

Other than my hormones being slightly tweaked after what happened to me, I know there is more too it. Like what Jophil said it can be draining. I can't help but wonder sometimes when that fresh innocent (yet knowledgable / experienced / prepared) feeling will return to my smile... I know you are right and that it takes time. I'm usually not the type to sleep around and date numerous women at once. I've said it before I was raised in a very traditional home. I've had to adapt to this twisted culture filled with wh0res and brain damaged children living in adult bodies. Just trying to find my groove in life. Have the hobbies, the friends, and the plates. I'm just not emotionally available yet and I don't believe the nucleus of that is how attractive these women are. I just don't fancy any of them, regardless of how they look. I'll give it more time. I wonder how different my life will be in a few months or a year from now.

 

[STR8UP]

When I hear "trust issues" and "emotional unavailability" I think SHAMING words.

Why shame yourself? That's what we have women for. You gotta get these things out of your head.

Why don't you "like" any of your plates? Maybe they aren't likable. Ever think of that?

Do you think I would have been single for the most part for over three years if I met stellar examples of the female species on a weekly basis? I'm sure I would have been in a relationship long ago. Face the facts- your value isn't 100% there. You are working on your own demons. You won't attract the highest caliber of women until you have no need for them. That's just how the world works my man.

Part of the reason why i have been single for so long is due to me being too busy and picky and cautious and a dozen other reasons, but really, after having been through half a dozen LTR's, a few live-ins, and who knows how many flings, one thing you learn is that at the end of the day there are no special snowflakes- they are ALL replaceable. So really, why do you HAVE to be "emotionally available"? Who cares if you have "trust issues"?

It's there for a reason homes. Embrace it. Maybe it will all go away. Maybe you are a changed man. But don't be so quick to think that you need to have this pixie dust in your pocket. Like I told you before....FORGET about women if you have to. Focus on yourself. Men age like fine wine, what's the hurry? I got 7 years on you and aside from the issues I had which had nothing to do with women over the past couple of years, it's only gotten better.

And no, i didn't do what you think I did tonight!

I would argue that you have learned to be realistic, while most other people remain naive about the way relationships end.

I would argue the same thing....

 

[jophil28]

Why shame yourself? That's what we have women for.

ha ha ! priceless.

I'm going to use that line when the occasion arises..

 

[decades]

I never understood the advice to go out and start dating immediately after experiencing the trauma of a BPD person. You really aren't ready. The immediate aftermath is a great time to chill and reflect on what you've been through, as well as to figure out why you got yourself in that pickle. Once you get your strength back and you are re-energized, you can get out there again and do some real damage.