Emotional Needs Questionnaire (find out about yourself and share it with your spouse)

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Emotional Needs
Questionnaire
Direct link to FREE PDF file for easier printing ---> http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/enq.pdf

© 1986, 2012 by Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Name________________________________________ Date________________
This questionnaire is designed to help you determine your most important
emotional needs and evaluate your spouse’s effectiveness in meeting those
needs. Answer all the questions as candidly as possible. Do not try to minimize any needs that you feel have been unmet. If your answers require more
space, use and attach a separate sheet of paper.
Your spouse should complete a separate Emotional Needs Questionnaire
so that you can discover his or her needs and evaluate your effectiveness
in meeting those needs.
When you have completed this questionnaire, go through it a second time
to be certain your answers accurately reflect your feelings. Do not erase your
original answers, but cross them out lightly so that your spouse can see the
corrections and discuss them with you.
The final page of this questionnaire asks you to identify and rank five
of the ten needs in order of their importance to you. The most important
emotional needs are those that give you the most pleasure when met and
frustrate you the most when unmet. Resist the temptation to identify as
most important only those needs that your spouse is not presently meeting. Include all your emotional needs in your consideration of those that
are most important.

1. Affection. The nonsexual expression of care through words, cards, gifts, hugs,
kisses, and courtesies; creating an environment that clearly and repeatedly
expresses care.
A. Need for affection: Indicate how much you need affection by circling
the appropriate number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
| | | | | | |

0= I have no need
for affection
3 = I have a moderate need
for affection
6 = I have a great need
for affection

If or when your spouse is not affectionate with you, how do you feel?
(Circle the appropriate letter.)

a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy not to be shown affection
If or when your spouse is affectionate to you, how do you feel? (Circle
the appropriate letter.)
a. Very happy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat happy d. Unhappy to be shown affection
B. Evaluation of spouse’s affection: Indicate your satisfaction with your
spouse’s affection toward you by circling the appropriate number.

–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
| | | | | | |
-3 = I am extremely
dissatisfied
0 = I am neither satisfied
nor dissatisfied
3 = I am extremely
satisfied

My spouse gives me all the affection I need. y Yes y No

If your answer is no, how often would you like your spouse to be affectionate with you?
______ (write number) times each day/week/month (circle one).
I like the way my spouse gives me affection. y Yes y No
If your answer is no, explain how your need for affection could be better
satisfied in your marriage.


2. Sexual fulfillment. A sexual experience that is predictably enjoyable and
frequent enough for you.
A. Need for sexual fulfillment: Indicate how much you need sexual fulfillment by circling the appropriate number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
| | | | | | |

0 = I have no need
for sexual fulfillment
3 = I have a moderate need for
sexual fulfillment
6 = I have a great need
for sexual fulfillment

If or when your spouse is not willing to engage in sexual relations with
you, how do you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy not to engage in sexual relations

If or when your spouse engages in sexual relations with you, how do you
feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very happy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat happy d. Unhappy to engage in sexual relations
B. Evaluation of sexual relations with your spouse: Indicate your satisfaction with your spouse’s sexual relations with you by circling the appropriate number.
–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
| | | | | | |

-3 = I am extremely
dissatisfied
0 = I am neither satisfied
nor dissatisfied
3 = I am extremely
satisfied

My spouse has sexual relations with me as often as I need. y Yes y No
If your answer is no, how often would you like your spouse to have sex
with you?
______ (write number) times each day/week/month (circle one).
I like the way my spouse has sexual relations with me. y Yes y No

If your answer is no, explain how your need for sexual fulfillment could
be better satisfied in your marriage.

 

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3. Intimate conversation. Talking about feelings, topics of personal interest/
opinions, and plans.
A. Need for intimate conversation: Indicate how much you need intimate
conversation by circling the appropriate number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
| | | | | | |

0 = I have no need
for intimate conversation
3 = I have a moderate need
for intimate conversation
6 = I have a great need
for intimate conversation

If or when your spouse is not willing to talk with you, how do you feel?
(Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy not to talk

If or when your spouse talks to you, how do you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very happy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat happy d. Unhappy to talk
B. Evaluation of intimate conversation with your spouse: Indicate your
satisfaction with your spouse’s intimate conversation with you by circling
the appropriate number.
–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
| | | | | | |
-3 = I am extremely
dissatisfied
0 = I am neither satisfied
nor dissatisfied
3 = I am extremely
satisfied

My spouse talks to me as often as I need. y Yes y No

If your answer is no, how often would you like your spouse to talk to
you?
________ (write number) times each day/week/month (circle one).
________ (write number) hours each day/week/month (circle one).
I like the way my spouse talks to me. y Yes y No

If your answer is no, explain how your need for intimate conversation
could be better satisfied in your marriage.


4. Recreational companionship. Leisure activities with at least one other person.
A. Need for recreational companionship: Indicate how much you need
recreational companionship by circling the appropriate number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
| | | | | | |

0 = I have no need
for recreational companionship
3 = I have a moderate need
for recreational companionship
6 = I have a great need
for recreational companionship

If or when your spouse is not willing to join you in recreational activities,
how do you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy not to have my spouse join me

If or when your spouse joins you in recreational activities, how do you
feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very happy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat happy d. Unhappy to have my spouse join me
B. Evaluation of recreational companionship with your spouse: Indicate
your satisfaction with your spouse’s recreational companionship by circling
the appropriate number.
–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
| | | | | | |

-3 = I am extremely
dissatisfied
0 = I am neither satisfied
nor dissatisfied
3 = I am extremely
satisfied

My spouse joins me in recreational activities as often as I need.
y Yes y No

If your answer is no, how often would you like your spouse to join you
in recreational activities?
________ (write number) times each day/week/month (circle one).
________ (write number) hours each day/week/month (circle one).

I like the way my spouse joins me in recreational activities. y Yes y No

If your answer is no, explain how your need for recreational companionship could be better satisfied in your marriage.

5. Honesty and openness. Truthful and frank expression of positive and negative feelings, events of the past, daily events and schedule, and plans for the
future; not leaving a false impression.

A. Need for honesty and openness: Indicate how much you need honesty
and openness by circling the appropriate number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
| | | | | | |

0 = I have no need
for honesty and openness
3 = I have a moderate need
for honesty and openness
6 = I have a great need
for honesty and openness

If or when your spouse is not open and honest with you, how do you
feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy that my spouse isn’t honest and open

If or when your spouse is open and honest with you, how do you feel?
(Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very happy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat happy d. Unhappy that my spouse is honest and open
B. Evaluation of spouse’s honesty and openness: Indicate your satisfaction with your spouse’s honesty and openness by circling the appropriate
number.
–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
| | | | | | |

-3 = I am extremely
dissatisfied
0 = I am neither satisfied
nor dissatisfied
3 = I am extremely
satisfied

In which of the following areas of honesty and openness would you like to
see improvement from your spouse? (Circle the letters that apply to you.)
a. Sharing positive and negative emotional reactions to significant
aspects of life
b. Sharing information regarding his/her personal history
c. Sharing information about his/her daily activities
d. Sharing information about his/her future schedule and plans

If you circled any of the above, explain how your need for honesty and
openness could be better satisfied in your marriage.

 

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A. Need for physical attractiveness: Indicate how much you need physical
attractiveness by circling the appropriate number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
| | | | | | |

0 = I have no need
for physical attractiveness
3 = I have a moderate need
for physical attractiveness
6 = I have a great need
for physical attractiveness

If or when your spouse is not willing to make the most of his or her physical attractiveness, how do you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy he or she does not make an effort

When your spouse makes the most of his or her physical attractiveness,
how do you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very happy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat happy d. Unhappy to see him or her make an effort

B. Evaluation of spouse’s attractiveness: Indicate your satisfaction with
your spouse’s attractiveness by circling the appropriate number.
–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
| | | | | | |

-3 = I am extremely
dissatisfied
0 = I am neither satisfied
nor dissatisfied
3 = I am extremely
satisfied

In which of the following characteristics of attractiveness would you like
to see improvement from your spouse? (Circle the letters that apply.)
a. Physical fitness and normal weight
b. Attractive choice of clothes
c. Attractive hairstyle
d. Good physical hygiene
e. Attractive facial makeup
f. Other ____________________

If you circled any of the above, explain how your need for physical attractiveness could be better satisfied in your marriage.


7. Financial support. Provision of the financial resources to house, feed, and
clothe your family at a standard of living acceptable to you
.
A. Need for financial support: Indicate how much you need financial support by circling the appropriate number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
| | | | | | |

0 = I have no need
for financial support
3 = I have a moderate need
for financial support
6 = I have a great need
for financial support

If or when your spouse is not willing to support you financially, how do
you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy not to be financially supported

If or when your spouse supports you financially, how do you feel? (Circle
the appropriate letter.)
a. Very happy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat happy d. Unhappy to be financially supported

B. Evaluation of spouse’s financial support: Indicate your satisfaction with
your spouse’s financial support by circling the appropriate number.
–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
| | | | | | |

-3 = I am extremely
dissatisfied
0 = I am neither satisfied
nor dissatisfied
6 = I am extremely
satisfied

How much money would you like your spouse to earn to support you?
How many hours each week would you like your spouse to work?

If your spouse is not earning as much as you would like, is not working
the hours you would like, does not budget the way you would like, or
does not earn an income the way you would like, explain how your need
for financial support could be better satisfied in your marriage.


8. Domestic support. Management of the household tasks and care of the
children—if any are at home—that create a home environment that offers
you a refuge from stress.

A. Need for domestic support: Indicate how much you need domestic
support by circling the appropriate number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
| | | | | | |

0 = I have no need
for domestic support
3 = I have a moderate need
for domestic support
6 = I have a great need
for domestic support

If your spouse is not willing to provide you with domestic support, how
do you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy not to have domestic support

If or when your spouse provides you with domestic support, how do you
feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very happy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat happy d. Unhappy to have domestic support

B. Evaluation of spouse’s domestic support: Indicate your satisfaction with
your spouse’s domestic support by circling the appropriate number.
–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
| | | | | | |

-3 = I am extremely
dissatisfied
0 = I am neither satisfied
nor dissatisfied
3 = I am extremely
satisfied

My spouse provides me with all the domestic support I need.
y Yes y No
I like the way my spouse provides domestic support.
y Yes y No

If your answer is no to either of the above questions, explain how your
need for domestic support could be better satisfied in your marriage.

 

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9. Family commitment. Provision for the moral and educational development
of your children within the family unit.

A. Need for family commitment: Indicate how much you need family commitment by circling the appropriate number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
| | | | | | |

0 = I have no need
for family commitment
3 = I have a moderate need
for family commitment
6 = I have a great need
for family commitment

If or when your spouse is not willing to provide family commitment, how
do you feel? (Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy he or she is not involved

If or when your spouse provides family commitment, how do you feel?
(Circle the appropriate letter.)
a. Very happy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat happy d. Unhappy he or she is involved in the family

B. Evaluation of spouse’s family commitment: Indicate your satisfaction
with your spouse’s family commitment by circling the appropriate number.
–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
| | | | | | |

-3 = I am extremely
dissatisfied
0 = I am neither satisfied
nor dissatisfied
3 = I am extremely
satisfied

My spouse commits enough time to the family. y Yes y No
If your answer is no, how often would you like your spouse to join in
family activities?
________ (write number) times each day/week/month (circle one).
________ (write number) hours each day/week/month (circle one).

I like the way my spouse spends time with the family. y Yes y No
If your answer is no, explain how your need for family commitment could
be better satisfied in your marriage.


A. Need for admiration: Indicate how much you need admiration by circling
the appropriate number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
| | | | | | |

0 = I have no need
for admiration
3 = I have a moderate need
for admiration
6 = I have a great need
for admiration

If or when your spouse does not admire you, how do you feel? (Circle
the appropriate letter.)
a. Very unhappy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy d. Happy not to be admired

If or when your spouse does admire you, how do you feel? (Circle the
appropriate letter.)
a. Very happy c. Neither happy nor unhappy
b. Somewhat happy d. Unhappy to be admired

B. Evaluation of spouse’s admiration: Indicate your satisfaction with your
spouse’s admiration of you by circling the appropriate number.
–3 –2 –1 0 1 2 3
| | | | | | |

-3 = I am extremely
dissatisfied
0 = I am neither satisfied
nor dissatisfied
6 = I am extremely
satisfied

My spouse gives me all the admiration I need. y Yes y No
If your answer is no, how often would you like your spouse to admire
you?
________ (write number) times each day/week/month (circle one).
I like the way my spouse admires me. y Yes y No
If your answer is no, explain how your need for admiration could be better satisfied in your marriage.

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Ranking Your Emotional Needs

The ten basic emotional needs are listed below. There is also space for
you to add other emotional needs that you feel are essential to your
marital happiness.

In the space provided before each need, write a number from 1 to
5 that ranks the need’s importance to your happiness. Write a 1 before
the most important need, a 2 before the next most important, and so on
until you have ranked your five most important needs.
To help you rank these needs, imagine that you will have only one
need met in your marriage. Which would make you the happiest, knowing that all the others would go unmet? That need should be 1. If only
two needs will be met, what would your second selection be? Which five
needs, when met, would make you the happiest?
_______ Affection
_______ Sexual fulfillment
_______ Intimate conversation
_______ Recreational companionship
_______ Honesty and openness
_______ Physical attractiveness of spouse
_______ Financial support
_______ Domestic support
_______ Family commitment
_______ Admiration
_______ ______________________
_______ ______________________