Early NEXTing vs. Persistance: Your experience?

[OkoYono]

Early NEXTing vs. Persistence: Your experience?

Hi,

this is my first post, and I'll give you some short intro about where I'm coming from, DJ- (or AFC-)wise

I have been in a couple of LTRs. I have had a couple of short sex-only relationships. I have had a couple of ONS. About a year ago, I made my first efforts to become what you call a Don Juan, with mixed success. A few approaches here and there (not nearly enough), a couple of numbers here and there (not nearly enough). Got laid a few times, not necessarily caused by any real DJ moves. My greatest successes in the past happened when I didn't care at all about my chances of getting laid, and at the same time let my intuition (which seems to work wonders, occasionally) lead the way.

In the last weeks I have encountered the following problem several times. How do I know when to be persistent and *not* to NEXT early?

An example: I meet a girl at the bus stop near Uni. Make EC, feel that there's a certain interest. Get in the same subway train as her. More EC, followed by a broad smile which is positively answered. Approach. A few minutes of conversation. Number close (cell phone number -- yeah, I know). Call her a couple of days later. She says she's at work, and she'll call me the next day so we can set up a date. She doesn't call. She doesn't answer the phone when I call her later.

So, my first thought here as an aspiring DJ is: NEXT. But the articles about persistence tell me to, you know, be persistent, work through women's games, and all that stuff. And here is the question for the more experienced guys out there: Can you show me some cases (out of your own experience, preferably) where you have been successfully persistent? Like with a girl who didn't call, maybe didn't answer the phone at first -- but who you felt had some interest in you at first contact -- and who later ended up in your bed?

What exactly does persistence look like? Call again and again, until she finally answers? That I can't imagine. Where's the line between a girl who's simply flaking and one who plays games until you prove cool enough to be with her?

And: Should I forget about persistence until I am a more advanced "player" (read: a good guy who is as successful as he wants with women)?

 

[Aztec]

Nexting should be used with caution.


You may be Nexting a girl that may have demonstrated behaviors that one may think as a sign of uninterested. But she may be showing these behaviors as dictated by social norm.


"What exactly does persistance look like? Call again and again, until she finally answers? That I can't imagine. Where's the line between a girl who's simply flaking and one who plays games until you prove cool enough to be with her?"


No young Jedi apprentice, don't do this! Follow your gut feeling. If you feel that she is blatantly avoiding you, back off!


By reading the DJ Bible, you would see how persistance will work on your favor. How? By putting the girl in question in the backburner temporarily and use your DJ efforts on other women. (Can you smell desperation?)

 

[squirrels]

...

NEXTing is not absolute. Each man has a queue of things that demand his attention, but each man only has so much attention to go around. The things on this queue may be other women, work, hobbies, etc...

Things at the top of the queue get attention very frequently. THings further down get attention less and less often. Things at the bottom of the stack get little or even NO attention.

NEXTing is the process of sending a woman to the bottom of the queue. Thus, she gets no attention. Many people think the "next" is an angry or bitter move, where you reject the girl, go out of your way to avoid her, or even treat her poorly. That's not the DJ way. No matter HOW hurt you are, you are in control of your emotions.

The problem is that recovering AFCs often don't have enough things on that queue (other women, hobbies, work, school, etc) to insure that a woman naturally doesn't get any attention. She'll be at the bottom, but at the bottom of two things, so she's still second-in-line and still gets attention. Or he hasn't matured enough to control his attention and keeps letting her get further up on the queue than she belongs.

The thing about this analogy is that the girl is still capable of moving up the "queue" by behaving in a manner that is more to your liking, after she sees what benefits your attention can have.

Of course, this means she has to WANT your attention, which is something YOU have to address. GIving your attention to a girl who doesn't want is just wasted attention, plain and simple.

That's just the way I think about it.

 

[Kwah]

Squirrels, that was the best god damned definition of NEXT I have ever heard. Even I hadn't thought about it that way, and IM a god damn Computer Science guy who deals with Queues all the time.

 

[princelydeeds]

I agree with Kwah that was a great post. I think that with AFC's nexting is a good thing, I mean leaving a chick alone completely. For a true DJ, who is in control of his emotions, nexting and shifting a chick to the bottom of the barrell is a very good idea. Its a necessary part of dating. I get with a lot of chicks who I at sum other point nexted cause they played hard to get, did stupid flaky things, or were disrespectful in some way. I wont lie, I have revenge fvcked many chicks I originally nexted. Often a chick I next is going through sum issues in her life once those issues get straightend out its always good to have not been rude and remained a gentleman sum will respect that and open up at a later date.
I have two NEXTED lists. The first list is nexted but i'd still bone if the chance arises. These are the flakes who stop calling for no reason or get back with a boyfriend, irritated me, or I got tired of seeing. These chicks can prove useful, they can come off of this list if they change their behavior. The other Nexted list , is don't ever call me, your drama, I can't stand you, I never wanna see you again. Its very rare that you put people on this list but there are reasons.

 

[trajhenkhet]

kudos to squirrels. Let the real ladies distinguish themselves from the other women your dating.

 

[Bonhomme]

Yes, excellent

Well stated, Squirrels!

 

[OkoYono]

Originally posted by princelydeeds
I wont lie, I have revenge fvcked many chicks I originally nexted.

I see you're calling this a "revenge f*ck", so it's not very common and might not be the best and most elegant thing do do... Right?

I have two NEXTED lists. The first list is nexted but i'd still bone if the chance arises. These are the flakes who stop calling for no reason or get back with a boyfriend, irritated me, or I got tired of seeing. These chicks can prove useful, they can come off of this list if they change their behavior.

What exactly did they do to come off that list? Call you after you ignored them?

The other Nexted list , is don't ever call me, your drama, I can't stand you, I never wanna see you again. Its very rare that you put people on this list but there are reasons.

Thanks, what you say about your two lists is giving me a little more clue...

 

[OkoYono]

Re: ...

Originally posted by squirrels
NEXTing is the process of sending a woman to the bottom of the queue. Thus, she gets no attention. Many people think the "next" is an angry or bitter move, where you reject the girl, go out of your way to avoid her, or even treat her poorly. That's not the DJ way. No matter HOW hurt you are, you are in control of your emotions.

Thanks for this clear explanation.

The thing about this analogy is that the girl is still capable of moving up the "queue" by behaving in a manner that is more to your liking, after she sees what benefits your attention can have.

Have you experienced this? What did she do? I mean, I understand this in theory... But in what way would she behave "more to your liking"?

Of course, this means she has to WANT your attention, which is something YOU have to address. GIving your attention to a girl who doesn't want is just wasted attention, plain and simple.

That's understood; and I'm giving this girl who I talked about no more attention, that's for sure.

 

[squirrels]

Re: Re: ...

Originally posted by OkoYono
Thanks for this clear explanation.

Have you experienced this? What did she do? I mean, I understand this in theory... But in what way would she behave "more to your liking"?

That's understood; and I'm giving this girl who I talked about no more attention, that's for sure.

It's happened a little bit here and there, but nothing ever came out of it...yet. I had a bad one-itis experience with a professional dater type where she was all over me until I started giving her attention...then she turned cold. So I disappeared for a little while. Slowly, it seems like she's warming up to me again, but I'm not letting her control me...

I want to distinguish myself from the other clowns who hang around her all the time, plus she's a boring conversationalist, so I don't really hang around that much (I go mingle with more interesting people while others hang around with her and buddy-up). Just the way she's behaving, I think she's interested, but she still wants to "break" me, put me with the rest of the men she's sent crying. It's going to be a bit more of a challenge than she thinks. The more I do, the more rare a commodity my attention becomes.

Even so, every now and then, I end up giving her too much attention...thinking about her/what she's doing/etc, but then I remember that she's NOT with me right now, so any attention I give her would be attention wasted that could be applied to something else. It's not easy managing your attention, but letting the wrong thing monopolize it can easily destroy you.

One of the best things to do to forget about one girl, as many of the DJs on here will tell you, is stack the queue with other women. Get SOMETHING "going on" while you wait for your one-itis to realize how much she really wants your attention.

And by then, chances are that she won't be as worthy of your attention as another...or two other...or three other girls you found while she was waiting at the back of the line. So she either moves on or she continues to wait until YOU'RE ready to see her. Then the relationship occurs on YOUR terms.

And if she starts trying to monopolize your attention or becomes unworthy of it, you simply bump her back down to spot further back in line. Your attention, aka your time, is a precious commodity. Not just any lady can waltz in and take all of a Don Juan's time. She has to EARN it.

It's like Lenny Kravitz says in "American Woman":
I got more important things to do
Than spend my time growin' old with you

 

[MysteryWoman]

Your name handle reminds me of Yoko Ono

 

[OkoYono]

Originally posted by MysteryWoman
Your name handle reminds me of Yoko Ono

Oh, does it? That's a coincidence.

By the way, can you "Imagine" (huh, huh) how much of an AFC Lennon must have been with Ono?

 

[princelydeeds]

Originally posted by OkoYono
I see you're calling this a "revenge f*ck", so it's not very common and might not be the best and most elegant thing do do... Right?

No not all are revenge fvcks. On occasion a chick will do something I don't like maybe a total flake, or say something rude that pisses me off or something else that totally irritates the heck out of me. Its not elegant but man does it feel good to bone a broad that originally played you. Think of 2 or 3 women from your AFC days that did something that really irritated you, dare I say hurt your feelings. Maybe you went out on what you thought was a really great date and they never called you again, you had a great date set up and they totally flaked or maybe you got teh number and called several times but everytime you called they were busy and never called you back, etc. Think about how great it would be if that chick who played you really hard, had her legs in the air and was screaming your name and she was calling you up begging to see you.

You don't have to be rude to her and who knows you may even develop feelings for her over time. My point is there are a few chicks whom I have been on a mission to get. Revenge may be a strong word (in all cases), and I don't mean revenge as in to hurt them, but revenge for me is letting that chick know that she messed up by doing whatever she did and that I can have her. A better choice of words might be turning the tables on her.

Originally posted by OkoYono
What exactly did they do to come off that list? Call you after you ignored them?

This depends on the chick. Sometimes you run into her a few days/weeks/months/years later. She checks you out, your lookin good, your in full mack mode and shes saying whoa this guy is tight. shes looking good acting comletely different sometimes that enough. Most times it does have somethign to do with a change in her attitude, her being more receptive to you in sum way shape or form. Sometimes, and ive had this happen, a chick will just call you one day out of the blue and act like you've been best friends forever. Ive even called a chick i hadn't spoken too in a while out of the blue, with a different attitude, and she was receptive. So anything can happen but be open to possibilities

Originally posted by OkoYono
Thanks, what you say about your two lists is giving me a little more clue...

No problem

 

[OddTech]

bump, squirrels gave some good points here.