Dumping GF after car accident

[Cejay]

I need some advice from guys that “get it.” I don’t know where to turn so I hope someone here can help.

I’ve re-written this several times trying to keep it short while providing only the necessary context but I’m sure I’m missing some important details.

I met/dated this woman from Aug-Dec. I didn’t like how she treated me in the last ~4 wks of Dec so I dumped her coldly and took a vacation.
She reached out a few times over say 5 wks and we ended up reconciling in Jan. (Yeah I know) We dated again until the present.

The last month (again) has been only OK. We’ve discovered that we’re mis-matched in a few key areas.

A few weeks ago she gets in a bad car accident, breaks both legs.

A friend, family member and I manage her care 24 hrs/day for a week at the hospital. On the last day, I have to catch up on some other obligations with my family and around my house. (I’m balancing my job too). I have a tough job with a lot of direct reports and honestly, I’m also an introvert and need to be alone for a bit to recharge. I haven’t been sleeping or eating much.

We talk about it before hand and she’s (allegedly) OK with my taking the next day off. She gets discharged on my day off, but we’ve arranged for close people to help her out. She’s going to another friends house as she’s going to be in a wheelchair for a while and the friend is retired and home more suitable. (I did offer my home)

Turns out she wasn’t actually OK with it, and she’s been pretty harsh/quiet/ghosting me since. Short text replies. At one point says we should just reconnect when she’s better.

This is a complete 360 from the behavior in the hospital. She has a several month recovery ahead. She’s going to need all the help she can get.

She’s going through a lot here, I get it. I’m trying not to be selfish. While she’s in this condition, I know I could get called upon for a lot, maybe even financial help so I do some background investigation and it turns out she has been questioning the relationship the past month too. Even considering ending it.

She’s now more or less ghosting me. Takes a long time to return my texts (if at all.) I ask her to let me back in and I pick up a bunch of her stuff for her and deliver it last night. I purposely kiss her when I get there and she’s avoidant - I feel like I just kissed a stranger. While I’m there she’s on her phone texting a lot so she’s pretty communicative. She also won’t really agree to our next get-together.

She’s 24x7 at the friends and non committal to alone time with me, but she is accepting visitors every day. Not just family either.

I want to end it. Not because of the accident, but because we were both thinking of ending it before-hand and because of how she is now treating me. I've also come to realize how much the relationship has been holding me back (in terms of personal goals, travel and my side gig)

I feel super guilty about dumping her in this state - that HAS to hit on some evolutionary conditioning.

I'm in no hurry to date others, I like this one a lot. If I end up single I'm going to work harder on my fitness and side business.

What would you do and how would you handle it?

CJ

 

[Krueg]

You may not need to come out and say anything.. She is already putting distance between you. I'd just start ignoring her, it sounds like you both already talked about possibly ending things.

 

[Cejay]

Thats kinda what I was thinking. After a few days, perhaps an invite to discuss in person. If that is ignored for 1-2 days then I think a break-up text is likely justified. (Although not preferred)

CJ.

 

[sazc]

As a therapist once told me, accidents can put things into perspective for people. NEVER partner with someone that you can't see taking care of long term, in case of a tragic situation. THAT commitment is what a real partnership is made of.

In any case, either she's letting go to see what you will do, how you will act, because she doesn't think you will be there for her, or she's done with the relationship.

Thing is, as you realize, if you ghost, she's going to paint you as the bad guy to anyone who will listen. That's probably why you want to actually have "the talk". So that other people don't comment on how you abandoned her in her time of need.

If you need to say anything, I would let a good 4 days go by, and then text and say " listen, we both know this wasn't a good relationship before your accident happened, I don't want you to be unhappy, I want you to focus on healing, so I am going to let you handle your personal situation without being a burden. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you heal quickly."

Or something like that. Then, no matter what she replied, you gently stuck to your guns about "let's be honest, nether of you were happy, and you do not want to be an impediment to her getting better"

if you are feeling generous, let her know she can text you if she needs something. And then, if she does text take it on a case-by-case basis.

 

[Cejay]

Thank you Sazc. That's "officially" the plan.

CJ

 

[Desdinova]

At one point says we should just reconnect when she’s better.

This is a complete 360 from the behavior in the hospital. She has a several month recovery ahead. She’s going to need all the help she can get.

She’s now more or less ghosting me.

She also won’t really agree to our next get-together.

She obviously doesn't want you around.

The problem I'm seeing here is your desire to take care of her because she's been badly injured. There's absolutely nothing wrong with having that desire, but she clearly doesn't want your help and doesn't want you around.

Just quit. You're doing all this 5hit for her and it's a thankless job. If I were in your shoes, I'd be pissed. All you're doing is prolonging the inevitable. IMO, she doesn't even deserve a goodbye or an "I'm moving on" text. Just delete her number and move on.

 

[Glassguy]

At one point says we should just reconnect when she’s better.

You missed the easy way out when she said this.

You should have said "You're probably right, I am going to clear my head and take a few days for myself" and then went ghost.

 

[sazc]

You missed the easy way out when she said this.

You should have said "You're probably right, I am going to clear my head and take a few days for myself" and then went ghost.

word

In fact, you probably should have just said "okay" and then stopped communicating.

In any case, when you do text, stick to something along the lines of "I feel as if I need to let you focus on getting better, and not intruding on this situation with putting any attention on a shaky relationship"

And, remember (consider) you broke up with her once before. People are hard pressed to change their behavior/who they are. Next time you are so unhappy as to break up with a chick, you might want to honor those feelings and consider that getting back together will only prolong you finding someone who can meet your needs well

 

[Cejay]

Guys,

Thank you for the advice.

I've been with quite a few women (at least for me) and this is the first time I'd ever gotten back together with someone. There was something different with her (or so I thought) but I don't think I'll make that mistake again.

I'm torn on next steps, between either ghosting completely or ghosting a week and sending something along the lines of the suggested. For now it's just ghost and plan a vacation or something fun for myself.

I'm willing to bet that in about a week I get a "we need to talk" text but I'm not driving 1.5 hrs just to get dumped.

Either way, I know it's over. I did want to help her, hell I'd help a stranger in this situation, but we are "only" dating and frankly, nobody treats me like that.

CJ.

 

[The Duke]

I suspect she wants to end the relationship and her acting schitty to you is her way of sabotaging the relationship to get you to take action. Girls never want to take the blame for ending it.. Perhaps she wants to put the bad guy label on you to feel better about herself. And this is a great opportunity for her to tell the world you left her because she has two broken legs. Haha you know thats the story she will put out.

If this was me, I would still continue to make an effort to help her out. Just think of it as doing a good deed for the betterment of humanity. However I wouldn't try and be her boyfriend. Basically stick her in the friendzone.

 

[Manofrefinedtastes]

Thats kinda what I was thinking. After a few days, perhaps an invite to discuss in person. If that is ignored for 1-2 days then I think a break-up text is likely justified. (Although not preferred)

CJ.

You'd blamed well better start to PREFER it. That's the way it's going. You are acting like a total AFC and orbiter. She is through with you, and is just using you for how you can help her. If you can't even get a good kiss from her, you are already OUT THE DOOR.

You are holding onto some strange memory. The girl that you are spending your time and resources on is NOT the girl that you fell in love with.

 

[Dingo]

I wonder whatever happened...

 

[CMNILS87]

I suspect she wants to end the relationship and her acting schitty to you is her way of sabotaging the relationship to get you to take action. Girls never want to take the blame for ending it.. Perhaps she wants to put the bad guy label on you to feel better about herself. And this is a great opportunity for her to tell the world you left her because she has two broken legs. Haha you know thats the story she will put out.

If this was me, I would still continue to make an effort to help her out. Just think of it as doing a good deed for the betterment of humanity. However I wouldn't try and be her boyfriend. Basically stick her in the friendzone.

Why would you ever want to try and keep helping someone who treats you like ****? Regardless of doing a good deed and making your ego feel better, there's literally no need to be taking care of a woman you've been casually dating on and off for 4 months.

This guy is searching for closure so hard, but she won't give it because she's passive aggressive as **** and it's making him be a super beta trying to reach out.

I'm a big proponent of role reversal. Let's say you have a casual/fwb that is being weird and there's blurred lines. First you don't want to be seen in a weakened state and get annoyed by all the attention. Then they get needy and want to help out and do all this care for you. You want space and they don't get it, but they keep reaching out. Now you're annoyed as hell.

You just did too much, too soon.

 

[dude99]

I need some advice from guys that “get it.” I don’t know where to turn so I hope someone here can help.

I’ve re-written this several times trying to keep it short while providing only the necessary context but I’m sure I’m missing some important details.

I met/dated this woman from Aug-Dec. I didn’t like how she treated me in the last ~4 wks of Dec so I dumped her coldly and took a vacation.
She reached out a few times over say 5 wks and we ended up reconciling in Jan. (Yeah I know) We dated again until the present.

The last month (again) has been only OK. We’ve discovered that we’re mis-matched in a few key areas.

A few weeks ago she gets in a bad car accident, breaks both legs.

A friend, family member and I manage her care 24 hrs/day for a week at the hospital. On the last day, I have to catch up on some other obligations with my family and around my house. (I’m balancing my job too). I have a tough job with a lot of direct reports and honestly, I’m also an introvert and need to be alone for a bit to recharge. I haven’t been sleeping or eating much.

We talk about it before hand and she’s (allegedly) OK with my taking the next day off. She gets discharged on my day off, but we’ve arranged for close people to help her out. She’s going to another friends house as she’s going to be in a wheelchair for a while and the friend is retired and home more suitable. (I did offer my home)

Turns out she wasn’t actually OK with it, and she’s been pretty harsh/quiet/ghosting me since. Short text replies. At one point says we should just reconnect when she’s better.

This is a complete 360 from the behavior in the hospital. She has a several month recovery ahead. She’s going to need all the help she can get.

She’s going through a lot here, I get it. I’m trying not to be selfish. While she’s in this condition, I know I could get called upon for a lot, maybe even financial help so I do some background investigation and it turns out she has been questioning the relationship the past month too. Even considering ending it.

She’s now more or less ghosting me. Takes a long time to return my texts (if at all.) I ask her to let me back in and I pick up a bunch of her stuff for her and deliver it last night. I purposely kiss her when I get there and she’s avoidant - I feel like I just kissed a stranger. While I’m there she’s on her phone texting a lot so she’s pretty communicative. She also won’t really agree to our next get-together.

She’s 24x7 at the friends and non committal to alone time with me, but she is accepting visitors every day. Not just family either.

I want to end it. Not because of the accident, but because we were both thinking of ending it before-hand and because of how she is now treating me. I've also come to realize how much the relationship has been holding me back (in terms of personal goals, travel and my side gig)

I feel super guilty about dumping her in this state - that HAS to hit on some evolutionary conditioning.

I'm in no hurry to date others, I like this one a lot. If I end up single I'm going to work harder on my fitness and side business.

What would you do and how would you handle it?

CJ

I need some advice from guys that “get it.” I don’t know where to turn so I hope someone here can help.

I’ve re-written this several times trying to keep it short while providing only the necessary context but I’m sure I’m missing some important details.

I met/dated this woman from Aug-Dec. I didn’t like how she treated me in the last ~4 wks of Dec so I dumped her coldly and took a vacation.
She reached out a few times over say 5 wks and we ended up reconciling in Jan. (Yeah I know) We dated again until the present.

The last month (again) has been only OK. We’ve discovered that we’re mis-matched in a few key areas.

A few weeks ago she gets in a bad car accident, breaks both legs.

A friend, family member and I manage her care 24 hrs/day for a week at the hospital. On the last day, I have to catch up on some other obligations with my family and around my house. (I’m balancing my job too). I have a tough job with a lot of direct reports and honestly, I’m also an introvert and need to be alone for a bit to recharge. I haven’t been sleeping or eating much.

We talk about it before hand and she’s (allegedly) OK with my taking the next day off. She gets discharged on my day off, but we’ve arranged for close people to help her out. She’s going to another friends house as she’s going to be in a wheelchair for a while and the friend is retired and home more suitable. (I did offer my home)

Turns out she wasn’t actually OK with it, and she’s been pretty harsh/quiet/ghosting me since. Short text replies. At one point says we should just reconnect when she’s better.

This is a complete 360 from the behavior in the hospital. She has a several month recovery ahead. She’s going to need all the help she can get.

She’s going through a lot here, I get it. I’m trying not to be selfish. While she’s in this condition, I know I could get called upon for a lot, maybe even financial help so I do some background investigation and it turns out she has been questioning the relationship the past month too. Even considering ending it.

She’s now more or less ghosting me. Takes a long time to return my texts (if at all.) I ask her to let me back in and I pick up a bunch of her stuff for her and deliver it last night. I purposely kiss her when I get there and she’s avoidant - I feel like I just kissed a stranger. While I’m there she’s on her phone texting a lot so she’s pretty communicative. She also won’t really agree to our next get-together.

She’s 24x7 at the friends and non committal to alone time with me, but she is accepting visitors every day. Not just family either.

I want to end it. Not because of the accident, but because we were both thinking of ending it before-hand and because of how she is now treating me. I've also come to realize how much the relationship has been holding me back (in terms of personal goals, travel and my side gig)

I feel super guilty about dumping her in this state - that HAS to hit on some evolutionary conditioning.

I'm in no hurry to date others, I like this one a lot. If I end up single I'm going to work harder on my fitness and side business.

What would you do and how would you handle it?

CJ

She has already ended the relationship emotionally with you in her mind. If she was questioning things before the car accident and now she is cold/non responsive, she has all but ended the relationship verbally. Her interest level is below the point of return. Right now she realises she needs you from time to time so she is keeping you around but not communicating with or treating you very well.

AS SOON AS SHE IS BETTER, SHE WILL END THE RELATIONSHIP.

You are best to cut ties now and work on yourself.

You feel you will be betraying her if you dump her now because she is in recovery, but her level of appreciation towards you is next to nil, so do what is best for you.

Walk away. She has help. You don't owe her anything and she has already emotionally shut you out.

 

[the_stig]

If I invested that much time and energy into someone's recovery and they blew me off because I had ONE DAY of other obligations, well I'll just say I think you're being too nice. I would not reach out to her and would move forward like the relationship was over and done. Sounds like she's 100% ungrateful for the dedication you've invested. Probably sitting there swiping on tinder and already has the next guy lined up.

A girl I was dating last year, basically ends things because she said I "ghosted her" after her grandma passed away. She had immediately gone to the family cabin and I went a day or two without initiating a text figuring she was busy, relaxing, mourning, etc. Whatever, don't have time for that crap, her loss, she wasted no time joining tinder, never looked back. These sloots will just drop you on a dime, so why give them anything else but the same courtesy.