Dumped again so I'm back..Some ranting, some hard earned wisdom and some questions.

[\O/]

Hey guys. So i'm back..four years later. Heartbroken and sad but a little bit wiser this time around.

When I found this site in 2005 I had, like most of us, just been dumped. To make matters worse, this was by my first ever girlfriend and sex partner. We had been together for 3,5 years. I was completely crushed, depressed and stripped of confidence. I did not know that I could have such a physical response to being dumped. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and she was on my mind constantly. I failed my exams and just stayed isolated in my room for long periods. At this point I was still living at home with my mom and sister. Directly after the breakup i moved out and into an apartment with 3 friends to go on with my life and meet new people.


The breakup itself was ugly and she probably overlapped with another guy. Irrelevant but still..
I cried to her like a little ***** begging her to reconsider and take me back. I acted like a whiny little c*nt and i'm embarresed to say i even wrote her a long letter in which i declared my endless love for her.:kick: lol, what a pathetic little boy i was then . When I think back at that version of myself, I truly believe that heartbreak is one of the things in life that really promotes self growth and wisdom. I went No Contact from day 1 and never contacted her since.


I started reading a lot on these pages. Read the bible, read the techniques, self improvement etc. I started to sleep with lots of girls, but they weren't always the girls I wanted. I was quite cynical and used girls for sex. Never called back, never responded to texts after and never initiated contact again. It was "one ride per customer" and I was bitter and wanted to punish girls like the way I felt punished. I got rejected alot, but I didn't care. Numbers game. I had no approach anxiety in bars, clubs etc. After a while I started to feel depressed about all this, because I wasn't getting the quality I wanted. I got high quality girls on dates, but it never materialized into anything more. I believe that I never truly fixed my inner game and that I never really saw me as the great prize I pretended to be.


I decided to take on a job in sales, outside my home town. Travelling. I was great at my job and my confidence grew. I felt the best i had felt for a really long time.:yes: It had been over 3 years since my last real LTR. And that's of course when it happens. I met the most beautiful and hot girl I have ever seen. I take it slow and it all just fell into place. I'd say she is a 9 and I do not use that scale lightly. I'm probably a 7 max myself in the looks department. I gamed her slow and we became friends, then lovers, then boyfriend/girlfriend. It happened fast because we saw eachother every day and for the first time I actually felt in love again.


First rule i incorporated into my mindset after my first break-up was "Always protect your heart". Sitting here today, feeling the way I feel, I can honestly say I failed. It took me a while into our relationship to let her in. To open myself up again. I always held back. She felt it. I did it purposely. However, at some point I thought, "**** it, I'll allow myself to go all in with this girl". That's the safest path back to AFC-world. When you lower your guard, you lose your frame and your control. This eventually leads to a shift in power and ultimately a decrease in respect. When you lose respect in a relationship, it's over. And you can't fix that.

We stayed together for 4 years. We fought a lot in the beginning. I was hard and not easy to "negotiate" with. I kept my frame, so I had the respect but it was turbulent. We have been living together for the most part of our relationship. Most of our fights has been about practical and domestic issues. We annoy eachother. I got so tired of all the fighting that I stopped giving resistance. That's when you lose the respect.

We thought we were similiar, but the longer we stayed together the more differences became apparent. We basically stopped having sex, and when you stop that, you are just friends living together. We both knew that for a long time, but ignored it. It became the big elephant in the room, that none wanted to talk about. She gradually stopped cuddling up to me, she stopped kissing me and we lost our intimacy. I had started to prepare myself for the possibility that it would soon be the end of us, and I also had more and more difficulties seing us being together in the future. But I also somehow thought we were just going through a rough path and that our love was so strong that if we just worked on it, we could fix anything. Then about 2 weeks ago she started crying, we need to talk..blablabla. I knew what was coming. I accepted it straight away, but did not agree. We talked some, and then I switched to talk about the practical issues of splitting up. I think she was surprised by my reaction. I think she expected me to cry or break down or something, but that guy is long gone. She will never get a tear from me. I will go out of this relationship like a man. I may not agree with her decision, but i will accept it. She will find out sooner or later that she has made a big mistake. Unfortunately, then it will be too late.

I want to go No Contact. I have been through it before and I know what has to be done. I have a calm in my body that I didn't have the last time around, even though this girl has meant so much more to me than the last one. We talked about marriage, kids etc. I thought it was going to be us. I know it will get better and she is just one girl, but she is a quality girl, and those are harder to replace.. Especially now that I'm in my late twenties. I feel like my biological clock is ticking..lol. All my friends are having kids, steady realationships etc. I think my mindset now is one of scarcity and not one of abundance.


My problem is this; I want to go No Contact, but we own an apartment together. We are broken up, but we still have to live together for almost two more weeks. This is hard. Still feels like it's not really over if you get my point. We also have to divide all the things and stuff we have accumulated over the years. Luckily we don't have kids. I'm trying to take over the apartment by myself, and this is probably the most important thing for me in my life now. I have good things going for me in my life atm except for a rusty skill set with girls, somewhat derailed mindset of scarcity and a huge confidence blow.

How do I minimize our contact when there are so many practical things to be handled? I don't want to delete her on facebook. I think that is childish. I don't remove pictures of us together, because there was a life before now which I will be man enough to accept. It's also social proof given that she is so incredibly beautiful. Or is it? I hide her updates and deleted her phone number (although I know it by heart).

I want to go no contact for 60 days for a start. She knows I want no contact and she has said she respects that. She knew this when we started dating. I'm not friends with ex'es unless I'm 100% free of loving feelings. I hope this can happen with her, because I genuinly appreciate her as a person. I just don't think I'm mature or strong enough for that for quite some time. I just have too much of oneitis now.

How should I act around her now? Same as before? Happy? Ignore her? Sex her? (I did once after we broke up). I feel kinda sad and just want her to move out and focus on my hobbies and life. I've turned of the tv and will focus on reading books. I will keep busy with working out and play soccer and hang with my friends. I will stop drinking so much when I go out, because it ****s up my game 100%. I'll stop my focus on girls for a while, because I believe that hooking up with someone other than her, will in fact make me even more sad and not help at all.

These are sad times, and this is not the post I intended to write, it just ended up like this. But i'll try to be positive. You can't stop heartbreak, you can only contain it. It's not what happens to you,it's what you do about it.

Any insights and help is greatly appreciated and welcome.

​

 

[speed dawg]

Looks like you know the deal....seems like you're just not compatible. That can lead to a loss of respect in some instances, even if you did keep the frame. Eventually it will just crumble.

Think of this as another chance to put the finishing touches on your inner game. There will be another quality girl, I mean, there ALWAYS is, even when I though there couldn't be, even in the most remote of locations.

 

[SteR]

... When I think back at that version of myself, I truly believe that heartbreak is one of the things in life that really promotes self growth and wisdom.

Agreed. I've actually started reflecting a little on my past and it seems the times I've been hurt the most, I've grown the most.. hopefully you'll learn a lot from this experience too (once the emotional turmoil blows over).

First rule i incorporated into my mindset after my first break-up was "Always protect your heart". Sitting here today, feeling the way I feel, I can honestly say I failed. It took me a while into our relationship to let her in. To open myself up again. I always held back. She felt it. I did it purposely. However, at some point I thought, "**** it, I'll allow myself to go all in with this girl". That's the safest path back to AFC-world. When you lower your guard, you lose your frame and your control. This eventually leads to a shift in power and ultimately a decrease in respect. When you lose respect in a relationship, it's over. And you can't fix that.

This is the part I'm actually quite interested in. It's been said a lot around these forums that one should 'protect the heart' and I completely understand this. But what I don't get is whether it's ever actually possible to 'let her in' so to speak without losing the frame? This is always something that's intrigued me.

I'm just wondering if by 'letting her in' you actually meant you let her be the dominant partner?

I know it will get better and she is just one girl, but she is a quality girl, and those are harder to replace.. Especially now that I'm in my late twenties. I feel like my biological clock is ticking..lol. All my friends are having kids, steady realationships etc. I think my mindset now is one of scarcity and not one of abundance.

I can relate to you on this since we're a similar age, but from what all the older guys on this forum say, things really do make a change for the better when we enter our 30s... so chin up, it seems the best times are ahead of us.

Also, guys don't have a biological clock so we've no rush. Half your friends will statistically be divorced in the next few years so don't feel pressured to join them

How do I minimize our contact when there are so many practical things to be handled? I don't want to delete her on facebook. I think that is childish. I don't remove pictures of us together, because there was a life before now which I will be man enough to accept. It's also social proof given that she is so incredibly beautiful. Or is it? I hide her updates and deleted her phone number (although I know it by heart).

...How should I act around her now? Same as before? Happy? Ignore her? Sex her? (I did once after we broke up). I feel kinda sad and just want her to move out and focus on my hobbies and life. I've turned of the tv and will focus on reading books. I will keep busy with working out and play soccer and hang with my friends. I will stop drinking so much when I go out, because it ****s up my game 100%. I'll stop my focus on girls for a while, because I believe that hooking up with someone other than her, will in fact make me even more sad and not help at all.

I've actually been in this situation before when I was ~18. I lived with the girl in college and unfortunately had to endure living with her for ~6 months more after she broke my heart. To make matters worse, the day after doing so she started bringing random guys back and having sex with them in the room next to me.. so just be grateful she's not doing that, haha. My best advice (from experience) is to just keep busy. Spend time with your friends and try to stay active.. it seems you're doing that already though. I found my friends were the greatest support personally.. they really helped take my mind of things.

Bottom line is you're not in a bad situation. Yes I'm sure it hurts right now but you're about to enter your prime years so I'm sure there'll be plenty of good women on their way.

Just be glad you don't have any marriage/kids problems to sort out!

 

[pdx1138]

Good man, you know what to do.

as for the next two weeks, maybe be out, more than in (the apartment)
if you don't want to be around her.

Dude. Thank your lucky stars you two didn't have kids, that would be a REAL mess. Or if you'd actually gotten married....financial wreckage to boot!

 

[Desdinova]

However, at some point I thought, "**** it, I'll allow myself to go all in with this girl". That's the safest path back to AFC-world. When you lower your guard, you lose your frame and your control.

I really do believe that there's a true balance you can have in a relationship where you can love the woman but not allow yourself to be taken advantage of. I think I may have found that balance, but only time will tell.

This eventually leads to a shift in power and ultimately a decrease in respect. When you lose respect in a relationship, it's over. And you can't fix that.

You cannot change how a person percieves you. If they see you as a pushover, then you will always be a pushover to them.

I got so tired of all the fighting that I stopped giving resistance. That's when you lose the respect.

I had this happen in my marriage. I got tired of arguing about the same fvcking thing over and over again with absolutely NO action on her part to fix the problem. After a while, you're just too tired of fighting the same battle and need to surrender. I knew I was doing this in my marriage, but at that point I didn't care. I didn't love her anymore. She was free to do what she wanted as long as she didn't take advantage of me. Shortly after I quit fighting, she cheated.

I also somehow thought we were just going through a rough path and that our love was so strong that if we just worked on it, we could fix anything.

"Love does NOT conquer all" is a hard lesson to learn especially when you've had it reinforced into your brain after years of being told it does by television, books, movies, etc.

My problem is this; I want to go No Contact, but we own an apartment together. We are broken up, but we still have to live together for almost two more weeks. This is hard.

When I ended my marriage, I had to live with the bytch for 1 1/2 months while her bf's wife was moving out. I even slept in the same bed with her. It's very difficult to stay with a woman you're no longer fvcking, but I don't think you can go no contact until she's moved out. There will be house matters to take care of, so it's best to keep your interactions with her as "business only" until she's gone.

I don't want to delete her on facebook. I think that is childish.

It's not childish. I deleted my ex-wife from my facebook. She doesn't need to know what I'm doing. By leaving her on your fb, you're still giving her access to your pictures, status updates, who your friends are, etc. Not only that, YOU still have access to all her 5hit too. That's NOT how no-contact works. You need to completely cut your ties with her because you're on a new path of life now. What's in the past should stay in the past.

I don't remove pictures of us together, because there was a life before now which I will be man enough to accept. It's also social proof given that she is so incredibly beautiful.

You should be able to create new social proof out of nothing. Remove the damn pictures. Again, you're on a new path of life now.

How should I act around her now? Same as before? Happy? Ignore her? Sex her?

Business only. No chatting about how your day was nor how hers was. If she asks you questions, just give her short, non-descriptive answers. If she volunteers information, let her but don't get her to elaborate.

I'll stop my focus on girls for a while, because I believe that hooking up with someone other than her, will in fact make me even more sad and not help at all.

I ALWAYS make it a point to rebound after I'm done in a relationship. It gives me the sense of progression in life and moving away from the past. Besides, if you're not fvcking someone else, then you're going to be even more tempted to fvck your live-in ex again.

You can't stop heartbreak, you can only contain it. It's not what happens to you,it's what you do about it.

Very true. I don't think I've been able to truly embrace this idea until now. I have stopped myself from falling deeply in love with a woman until very recently. The problem is that people seem to have the idea that love is equal to self-sacrifice. It is not. Part of love is respecting the things that the other person is passionate about rather than expecting them to give up on their passions. You must retain your self-respect in a relationship and put your foot down when necessary. It may cause emotional discomfort in your mate, but it's usually only temporary.

You need to have a plan if and when the relationship ends. You need to do things that will help you move away from your ex and get started on a new journey in life. You need to know that you CAN and WILL move on with your life and be able to overcome the emotional trauma that has resulted from an ended relationship. If you do not realize these things, you will be stuck spinning your tires in AFC-land.

 

[comic_relief]

Bring a chick back to the apptment and bang her, loudly, while your ex is there.

Field Tested last year, Comic_Relief approved.

FYI the ex-gf will start running around the house SCREAMING that you are a pig that deserves to die even if she initiated the break-up to go date your (ex) best friend. Just go out and say "I can't even hear my new girlfriend moan over her incessant jabbering!" She leaves the apartment and you don't see her anymore.

- comic_relief

 

[Desdinova]

Just go out and say "I can't even hear my new girlfriend moan over her incessant jabbering!" She leaves the apartment and you don't see her anymore.

Why didn't I fvcking do that???

 

[imarockstar]

My best advice: keep your head up dude. Like others have said, this time of pain manifests into a time of growth, if you let it.

As my dad told me about 4 months ago, this is a time for some soul searching. What you had planned is no longer going to happen, so your brain is scrambling for ways to figure it out, or most likely, is scrambling to find a way to get back on track and going according to the plan (i.e. figuring out what went wrong or how to work things out with the woman)

Trust me, I know this because this is where I was 4 months ago. However, I have made drastic changes in that time. When we broke up, I was in a job that I hated and didn't pay me enough. I was going to school, just because I knew it was the right thing, rather than really putting some thought into what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I was playing video games a lot, smoking pot here and there, drinking pretty heavily everyday, watching tv a little too much, and putting up with her sh*t, my roommates sh*t, my parents sh*t, my friends sh*t, and my bosses sh*t. I was completely miserable because my life eventually revolved around her happiness, around reacting to her rather than paving my own way and blazing my own trail.

The first month sucked, but I needed that month to think and shift directions. The 2nd month, I decided to unhook my xbox, to dedicate more time to the gym, and to start running a few times a week. I also began training in mixed martial arts.

Present day, I do not smoke any longer. I drink a couple glasses of red wine a night, but I only get drunk like once every couple weeks if that. I got a new job with better pay and a lot better group of people. I have acquired new friends, and although I am not that close with them yet, it is much better than hanging out with bad company, bad friends who take advantage of you or who are going nowhere and dragging you with them. I read interesting books instead of playing video games. I go to the gym every other day, run every other day, and train in MMA 3 times a week. I live in the moment now, because I became aware that I did not use to. I put myself out into the universe rather than reacting to everyone else. Others react to my actions or my words now. I say hi to everyone, try to be friendly with everyone and make them feel like the best person in the world. I have let down my guard with other people. I used to not smile or be friendly because I thought it would make me look weak. It also made me look like an a$$hole. I have put thought into future career paths and I know what I am going to study in the fall. I am eating healthier than I ever have in the past, no more processed BS, limited fats carbs and sugars. It's a domino effect man, and this would have never happened if me and my ex didn't break up.

The main principle I realized is that I need to focus on the present, and a positive future, but mainly the present because it is the only moment you can control. STAY THE HELL OUT OF THE PAST. Just keep on moving man, life is like a train, you just gotta hang on for the ride and never look back. Focus on making your future better by making your present the best it can possibly be.

And guess what, my ex is pregnant with my child! It is what it is. This is life, it's not always fair, but you have to remain positive, because that is the only way you will learn anything from the negative points in life. If you remain negative as well, you will just become a downgrade of yourself, an angry, frustrated, bitter person.

Long reply I know, but I wrote all that to show you that it will get better, and lets face it, my situation is a bit worse, at least you are not tied to this woman for 18 years. However, this happened and I am now the best version of myself to date. I am happier than I have ever been, and I no longer feel like my life is constantly getting worse and that I am getting old and that life is slowly ending. I feel as if I have a new beginning. I feel like I am starting over, and it is pretty awesome. My future is bright now, because I am at peace with myself, I have respect for myself, my inner game is at an all time high.

Martial arts changed my life, and it may be different for you. You just need to do some soul searching as I said earlier, ask yourself if you are actually happy, and if there are some things you feel like you need to change, do everything in your power to change them.

I talk to my ex every couple weeks about the pregnancy, and I'm still good. In your case, I would go completely NC, it really does help as I have done it in past relationships. As far as other women, I didn't feel the need to involve them in my life until just recently. I needed a few months to get my sh*t together and get back on track. Trust me, I miss the hell outta sex, but I personally wanted to find a way to be happy without a woman, without the instant gratification of sex, and besides, I am more of a relationship guy anyways, ONS's aren't really my forte, although I am not entirely against them either. Just stick to your own set of standards and don't feel like you need to do anything because society tells you to. You know who you are. And maybe a ONS will speed up your personal healing process. Everyone is different. Bottom line is, this time is all about you right now. Be the best version of yourself possible. If you are not currently that, start working on it.

Good luck man, it only sucks for a little bit.

 

[Gro0ver]

2 weeks is nothing! I lived with my ex for 3 months after we decided we'd break up!

Sex her - Yes, as long as you don't be catchin feelings! None of that cuddling stuff afterwards.

Keep yourself busy, and start making changes. Get to the gym more, start planning your new hobbies (you will have so much extra time), read a different type of book to normal...

The new life really starts when you move out but you can set things in motion now so that it's a smoother transition. Be sure to reconnect with old friends and reaffirm your friendship bonds, you'll need them when things get tough.

You'll be fine dude, the opportunities are limitness now

 

[Colossus]

First rule i incorporated into my mindset after my first break-up was "Always protect your heart". Sitting here today, feeling the way I feel, I can honestly say I failed. It took me a while into our relationship to let her in. To open myself up again. I always held back. She felt it. I did it purposely. However, at some point I thought, "**** it, I'll allow myself to go all in with this girl". That's the safest path back to AFC-world. When you lower your guard, you lose your frame and your control. This eventually leads to a shift in power and ultimately a decrease in respect. When you lose respect in a relationship, it's over. And you can't fix that.

Sorry to hear about your breakup. I have a few thoughts...

I used to feel the same way; that going "all in" with a girl was pure foolishness and the surest way back to AFCdom. In some ways, it is. I DO agree that once respect is lost, it is lost for good in most cases. But opening up your heart to her and losing respect isnt a direct cause/effect thing.

Anytime you open up your whole heart to a woman, whether you are an AFC or accomplished DJ, you put yourself at risk. The more you let her in, the more potential power she has to hurt you. However, it goes both ways. The mistake AFCs make is that they give a disproportionate amount of themselves to the girl, and thus give her undue power. In fact that is what landed most guys at sosuave.com.

Naturally, when a relationship ends that you had a big "heart" investment in, it will hurt. There will be a longer recovery period. But this is a critical time. What you do during this period will determine your future outlook on women. The natural inclination is to recoil and vow never to let another woman in to that degree ever again. Well let me tell you this will only make future relationships very difficult for you.

Women aren't going anywhere. We have to learn to live with them, and keep our heads in the game so we don't get played. You sound like you have a pretty good grasp of game, and you shouldn't beat yourself up about feeling down right now. It happens, man. You're still a human being with feelings. It sounds to me like this relationship just ran it's course. You didn't make any glaring mistakes; it sounds like you qualified her well enough and she is a good woman....you just couldn't reconcile your differences and grew apart. You didn't get played. I think moving in together so soon and under the backdrop of lots of fighting was a mistake, but you probably see that now.

You know what to do from here on out. Stick out the next couple weeks with her, and then go about your plan of focusing on hobbies, bros, and just taking a breather from women. Let your mind recover and take some time to reflect on everything. Bounce things off guys here on the forum---it is very helpful to get different perspectives when you're emotional.

 

[vatoloco]

Bring a chick back to the apptment and bang her, loudly, while your ex is there.

Field Tested last year, Comic_Relief approved.

FYI the ex-gf will start running around the house SCREAMING that you are a pig that deserves to die even if she initiated the break-up to go date your (ex) best friend. Just go out and say "I can't even hear my new girlfriend moan over her incessant jabbering!" She leaves the apartment and you don't see her anymore.

You see this above? ^^^^

Don't do it.

Since you made the mistake of buying property with her, the best you can do is to keep it the most amicable and polite that you can be with her. Otherwise, she'll make your life miserable here.

 

[comic_relief]

You see this above? ^^^^

Don't do it.

Since you made the mistake of buying property with her, the best you can do is to keep it the most amicable and polite that you can be with her. Otherwise, she'll make your life miserable here.

it's fine, if you actually care! I didn't care about what she thought and did. I ended up dating the girl that I was in the bedroom with for about six months afterwords until she moved out of the country (pre-planned) for grad school.

She tried to make my life miserable but I actually needed to care for her to make it miserable.

- comic_relief

 

[drak_ool]

A lot of good things have been said in this thread...

What I would like to add is that even though I agree with the concept that life is a train, and you gotta keep moving without dwelling too much on the past, you still need to take some time to think about why things didn't work out and (this is the important part) why you are better off without this woman, now and forever.

That was the mistake that I made in my last break-up, after an initial period of not giving a damn and just screwing around, I started thinking that maybe we just broke up because of the distance (we were living on 2 different continents when things ended), that maybe i can get her back if I just move to her country, etc...

That sh.it fvcked up my mind bad! I lost all ability to bond with other girls, even sexually. I mean I would hook up with a chick once, but the second time I just had no more desire for her and images of my ex kept circling in the back of my mind. It was not until almost 6 months into it, when I broke down and told my parents and some good friends about it, that I was able to resolve this problem. By talking to them, I was able to look at her as the ****ty person she was because of how she ended things, I was able to look at her evolution as a person over the last 3 years and realize that there was simply no way I could still be with her, even if she was to move here. Getting to that point really felt like I had reached Nirvana, my life is so much better now that I am at peace with what happened, and I can focus on a future that does not involve her.

hope this helps

 

[vatoloco]

it's fine, if you actually care! I didn't care about what she thought and did.

Imma have to call you out, my friend. You did care. She hurt you so you wanted to hurt her back. When you truly don't care, you just ride into the sunset, never to look back. Downrep if you must but, I call it as I see it.

Once you reach Enlightenment you will have no more need for revenge and you will become a more efficient person.

 

[\O/]

Thank you all for great replies. That's why i love this place. All chipping in to help eachother out of the gutter and make better men out of us!

Looks like you know the deal....seems like you're just not compatible. That can lead to a loss of respect in some instances, even if you did keep the frame. Eventually it will just crumble.

This is how I try to accept it. I think we just weren't compatible enough. I'm just very sad that we grew apart instead of together.

Originally Posted by \O/

First rule i incorporated into my mindset after my first break-up was "Always protect your heart". Sitting here today, feeling the way I feel, I can honestly say I failed. It took me a while into our relationship to let her in. To open myself up again. I always held back. She felt it. I did it purposely. However, at some point I thought, "**** it, I'll allow myself to go all in with this girl". That's the safest path back to AFC-world. When you lower your guard, you lose your frame and your control. This eventually leads to a shift in power and ultimately a decrease in respect. When you lose respect in a relationship, it's over. And you can't fix that.

This is the part I'm actually quite interested in. It's been said a lot around these forums that one should 'protect the heart' and I completely understand this. But what I don't get is whether it's ever actually possible to 'let her in' so to speak without losing the frame? This is always something that's intrigued me.

I'm just wondering if by 'letting her in' you actually meant you let her be the dominant partner?

No, I don't feel like she was ever the dominant partner. However she did demand more and more and allowed herself to talk to me in a different manner as the relationship progressed. When we fought alot in the beginning, she brought it up as a problem that she struggled with. She NEVER argues or fights with anyone, except with me. Arguing and fighting about trivial things doesn't mean all that much to me, so i just brushed it off. But when she explained how it made her feel, I held back and tried to play nicer for her to feel better.

By letting her in I mean opening myself to her. Talking more about feelings, connecting with her emotionally, building deep rapport and even sharing insecurities Sharing insecurities is very dangerous, although quite liberating. When you feel like anything you can think to yourself you can say to her. Feels like a safe little bubble, but I don't think it's a very smart path. One of her best qualities is how nurturing and caring she is. I love this in a girl, probably one of the most important personality traits I look for. It can also be a mistake to fall into this, as it subconsciously deminishes masculinity. She feels like you need her andyou let her behave this way because it makes her feel good and it'salso very comfortable.

Originally Posted by \O/

I know it will get better and she is just one girl, but she is a quality girl, and those are harder to replace.. Especially now that I'm in my late twenties. I feel like my biological clock is ticking..lol. All my friends are having kids, steady realationships etc. I think my mindset now is one of scarcity and not one of abundance.

I can relate to you on this since we're a similar age, but from what all the older guys on this forum say, things really do make a change for the better when we enter our 30s... so chin up, it seems the best times are ahead of us.

Also, guys don't have a biological clock so we've no rush. Half your friends will statistically be divorced in the next few years so don't feel pressured to join them

I really hope so. I would much rather get dumped now than in 7 years with kids.. And we can still date girls well down into their twenties

I've actually been in this situation before when I was ~18. I lived with the girl in college and unfortunately had to endure living with her for ~6 months more after she broke my heart. To make matters worse, the day after doing so she started bringing random guys back and having sex with them in the room next to me.. so just be grateful she's not doing that, haha.

Wow, that's brutal, man! Good thing you didn't end up with that one!

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I don't want to delete her on facebook. I think that is childish.

It's not childish. I deleted my ex-wife from my facebook. She doesn't need to know what I'm doing. By leaving her on your fb, you're still giving her access to your pictures, status updates, who your friends are, etc. Not only that, YOU still have access to all her 5hit too. That's NOT how no-contact works. You need to completely cut your ties with her because you're on a new path of life now. What's in the past should stay in the past.

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I don't remove pictures of us together, because there was a life before now which I will be man enough to accept. It's also social proof given that she is so incredibly beautiful.

You should be able to create new social proof out of nothing. Remove the damn pictures. Again, you're on a new path of life now.

Ok, here's the deal though. We own an apartment together. Both of us are equally responsible for the mortgage. The apartment/mortgage is too big and expensive, according to banks, for me to take over all the obligations alone. This means that until I can find a solution, I need her to stay responsible for the loan for a while (even though i will take over all the financial obligations and transfer ownership to me alone by doing so). She has been kind enough to agree on this. However, she can demand to be realeased from the loan at any time. And until i have a solution, that will lead to us having to sell the apartment. I won't get a new loan for a nice apartment like this, which i am desperate to keep. The mortgage is for almost 420 000 dollars so it will be very expensive, but worth it. If we have to sell, i have to live with other people and it will set me back 7 years. It's much easier to get new chicks in this place than it was living with 3 guys in a ****hole. I therefore think it will be a bad idea to delete her on facebook, atleast for now. I have hidden all her actions and the actions of her familymembers.

The photos is another story. I can take those away, but people on here always say to have photos with attractive girls as social proof. I can of course get social proof in other ways, but if I just don't look at them, it will show my high standards with girls( in LTR's , we've all fvcked warpigs behind closed doors..) and there is none more attractive than my ex.

Quote:

I'll stop my focus on girls for a while, because I believe that hooking up with someone other than her, will in fact make me even more sad and not help at all.

I ALWAYS make it a point to rebound after I'm done in a relationship. It gives me the sense of progression in life and moving away from the past. Besides, if you're not fvcking someone else, then you're going to be even more tempted to fvck your live-in ex again.

I did this during my last heartbreak. It was terrible for me. I was way too emotional and it just made me feel so incredibly sad when i had another girl in my arms after sex. It's honestly one of the worst moments i've had because it felt so wrong and made me so emotional. It's almost 8 years ago and i can still remember the feeling vividly.
It got better after a while when i stopped caring as much and finally found my cynical side. However this first rebound girl was so wrong for me and not even a girl i would consider dating. So i guess if it had been a higher quality chick it might have had quite a different impact on me. I'll see what happens when she moves out

You need to have a plan if and when the relationship ends. You need to do things that will help you move away from your ex and get started on a new journey in life. You need to know that you CAN and WILL move on with your life and be able to overcome the emotional trauma that has resulted from an ended relationship. If you do not realize these things, you will be stuck spinning your tires in AFC-land

Very true. Very inspiring. I went into the relationship knowing it could end at any given time. I knew I had to have a life of my own and not base my happiness on another person. But i think it's easy to lose sight of this as the years pass by. I've kept a life of my own though, but i notice that my ambition levels did decrease because i had a "comfortable, secure and good" life. Instead of living my life to the fullest, i became an observer like someone here wrote. I am awake now.

Imarockstar:

Thanks for inspiring words. I've read your story and you are a strong man. Your situation is even tougher, but you have the right attitude and you are taking charge of your own life. Looking forward to seeing your progression

 

[\O/]

2 weeks is nothing! I lived with my ex for 3 months after we decided we'd break up!

Sex her - Yes, as long as you don't be catchin feelings! None of that cuddling stuff afterwards.

Keep yourself busy, and start making changes. Get to the gym more, start planning your new hobbies (you will have so much extra time), read a different type of book to normal...

The new life really starts when you move out but you can set things in motion now so that it's a smoother transition. Be sure to reconnect with old friends and reaffirm your friendship bonds, you'll need them when things get tough.

You'll be fine dude, the opportunities are limitness now

We did have sex once after we broke up. It made me think wtf didn't we do this more often when we were a couple?? Makes me angry that we didn't adress our problems in the bedroom sooner. I think this is were we lost alot of our intimacy and the reason we slipped more into friendship than boyfriend/girlfriend. When we had sex it was good, but it was too far between each session. I'm going to try to get a few more rounds in before she leaves. It may make it worse when she moves, but that will hurt no matter what so i think it's worth it

Yeah, finally i have alot more time on my hands, so it's very important that i fill them with the things that i enjoy and have passion for. It's also quite liberating to not having to answer to anyone but myself. I can do whatever i want and don't care what anyone thinks.

Naturally, when a relationship ends that you had a big "heart" investment in, it will hurt. There will be a longer recovery period. But this is a critical time. What you do during this period will determine your future outlook on women. The natural inclination is to recoil and vow never to let another woman in to that degree ever again. Well let me tell you this will only make future relationships very difficult for you.

This is critical. My view on woman got warped the last time. It made me bitter, cynical and never believed i could find a girl that I liked that liked me. Lots of girls liked me but it was the wrong ones. Then i found the perfect girl, who not only liked me, but eventually LOVED me. It gave me a calm and kinda washed away alot of my cynisism. Life wasn't so unfair and cruel afterall. I still felt some jealousy and resentment though. I could never just get any girl i wanted to, although she pretty much could get anyone and had gotten the guys she wanted. I was still, in my head, the seller and she was the buyer. Not necessarily in her eyes, because i had game then, and to her i had higher status/value. So in her head she might have felt like I chose here, but in reality and in my head, i just presented the best me so she had to chose me. Does this make sense? When i read this it tells me that my beliefs and inner game is far away from that of a true DJ. I place way to much value in female validation. I'm also far more outcome dependant than i wish to be. I think i have a long way still..

You sound like you have a pretty good grasp of game, and you shouldn't beat yourself up about feeling down right now. It happens, man. You're still a human being with feelings. It sounds to me like this relationship just ran it's course. You didn't make any glaring mistakes; it sounds like you qualified her well enough and she is a good woman....you just couldn't reconcile your differences and grew apart. You didn't get played. I think moving in together so soon and under the backdrop of lots of fighting was a mistake, but you probably see that now.

You know what to do from here on out. Stick out the next couple weeks with her, and then go about your plan of focusing on hobbies, bros, and just taking a breather from women. Let your mind recover and take some time to reflect on everything. Bounce things off guys here on the forum---it is very helpful to get different perspectives when you're emotional.

Thanks. This is uplifting words. I think you are right that the relationship just faded out. Like a candle that burned out. We were too different. I know this logically and given the chance, i wouldn't have her back now if i could. I still have too much work to do on myself. I think i'm more sad about us not being more compatible. I really wanted us to be. We were on so many levels. I also think that i am more scared of being without someone that i am of being without her...does that make sense? It's so safe and comfortable to have a confidant and someone so close to you that you feel you can share anything with. Sounds gay, but i'm a hard yet sensitive guy

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Originally Posted by comic_relief

Quote:

Originally Posted by PairPlusRoyalFlush

Bring a chick back to the apptment and bang her, loudly, while your ex is there.

Field Tested last year, Comic_Relief approved.

FYI the ex-gf will start running around the house SCREAMING that you are a pig that deserves to die even if she initiated the break-up to go date your (ex) best friend. Just go out and say "I can't even hear my new girlfriend moan over her incessant jabbering!" She leaves the apartment and you don't see her anymore.

You see this above? ^^^^

Don't do it.

Since you made the mistake of buying property with her, the best you can do is to keep it the most amicable and polite that you can be with her. Otherwise, she'll make your life miserable here.

I'm with you. I would never do this. I don't mind being an ******* and do bad things to girls. Believe me i have done. But she hasn't done anything wrong. She just fell out of love with me. It's not her fault. She can't control her emotions. She was a good girlfriend. Loyal, faithful, washed my clothes, made me dinner and always stood by my side. She doesn't deserve being treated like ****, because she has always treated me with respect. I wish her well, only not as well as i wish for me

As for the property, that's a great point which i mentioned over. I need goodwill from her side in order for me to keep the apartment. The apartment is great, located in the city center, spacious (atleast for 1 person) and great for gaming girls and having my buds over for playstation, football games and pre parties. It's also a sound investment for the future.

By talking to them, I was able to look at her as the ****ty person she was because of how she ended things, I was able to look at her evolution as a person over the last 3 years and realize that there was simply no way I could still be with her, even if she was to move here. Getting to that point really felt like I had reached Nirvana, my life is so much better now that I am at peace with what happened, and I can focus on a future that does not involve her.

I've heard that making a list of all her bad sides is a good way to internalize why it is a good thing that you are no longer together. That way you can see that she wasn't all that you wanted in a girl and that it wouldn't have lasted for a lifetime anyway. Atleast not a happy lifetime. I'm just a very nostalgic person and i know that by nature I tend to focus on the postitive, happy things and forget the negatives. A good quality really, but it makes changes and diverging paths more difficult to handle. Everything just gets a bit more sad when you're a nostalgic person. hehe. I do think it's imporant to have the ability to reflect on good, warm things from our past, even if it makes us sad sometimes. Sad is not always a bad feeling, it can sometimes be quite beautiful...

 

[\O/]

Yet.

Well, now she can do whatever she likes. It's not my business anymore. I know she will eventually hook up and fvck other guys. That's life. I'll fvck other girls.

But she never cheated on me. Of course you can never know for sure, but i highly doubt it. I don't even know when she could have cause she always comes home right after work. I don't normally trust girls not to cheat, because i have fvcked a girl while she was litterally on the phone with her boyfriend. I've hooked up with dozens of girls who have had boyfriends. So when i trust a girl, it is not by default, but by merits. She has just earned my trust over time in this area. And unless someone tells me or shows me otherwise, that is how i will evaluate her character.

 

[Colossus]

Thanks. This is uplifting words. I think you are right that the relationship just faded out. Like a candle that burned out. We were too different. I know this logically and given the chance, i wouldn't have her back now if i could. I still have too much work to do on myself. I think i'm more sad about us not being more compatible. I really wanted us to be. We were on so many levels. I also think that i am more scared of being without someone that i am of being without her...does that make sense? It's so safe and comfortable to have a confidant and someone so close to you that you feel you can share anything with. Sounds gay, but i'm a hard yet sensitive guy

Nah man it's not gay. It does feel good when you have someone that's there everyday, a witness to your life. You get used to it, comfortable. After a month or two on your own you'll feel stronger though and be able to see things more clearly. Distance always lends clarity to past relationships.

You are probably right that you have a lot of male-improvement to do, and that's good you recognize that. It sounds like you presented a really polished facet of yourself and she gradually fell in love with you, but you dont think that's something you could repeat...like too much luck.

The best thing about being a Man is we have the ability to get better as we age. You mature physically, get wiser, smarter, higher status, experienced with women...all these things (can) add up to higher value if you are deliberate and intentional about it. Look at it this way: you have a couple LTRs under your belt, one with a quality 9. Inner game takes time, years to develop. You just have to aim for the point when you are not outcome dependent; i.e. whether you land a particular girl or not, your base mental state is not affected because your confidence is so solid. Women love confidence like men love t!ts....it's irresistible to them.

 

[comic_relief]

maybe i should give you guys some back story first on what happened. Didn't think that I actually would have to. Dated the ex for about a year and a half. She broke up with me on V-Day and went out with my best friend later that night. Brought him back to our shared one bedroom apartment to have sex with him while I was there. I would wake up in the middle of the night to her standing over me and looking through my text messages to see if there were any about her. To me, I wasn't being out of line at all.

My ex-friend even told me, "I'm surprised that you didn't kick the sh!t out of me that night."

It's all about HOW you carry off the "I don't give a sh!t" attitude as well. Afterwards, she chased me while still dating my (ex) friend.

- comic_relief

 

[backbreaker]

I remember the last time i was really really hurt bad by a girl. I dated for over a year, let her move in with me, she cheated on me with some random dude she met at a bar and she fvcked up becuase he called her when she got home... at 4am.

now granted, in hindsight i was not the man at that time i was when she met me, so i hold no serious grudges against her, i understand why it happened.

and i remember, being very very depressed. very depressed. it was around this time i had started using drugs, though she did not know it, and i had only done it a few times up to that point, but it was her leaving that really at the time spiraled everything out of control and i stepped up to the big boy drugs. she started off as a plate, though i did not know the termonlogoy at the time, and at efvery time, she was never really my fav plate either, but i never could get rid of her. she was a resilliant little bugger and in time i really grown to care for her. we compliated each other quite well, she liked my friends, my friendsl iked her (too much). i thought i loved her but in hindsight i did not love her i just was afriad of being alone again.

and you know what i took from that more than anything was not so much that she hurt me or what she did, or that women can be ruthless and cunning or whatever, but it was that i never should give any woman that type of control my feelings and well being to the point where i am abusing crack in the first place.

what i am saying, when i went through all that, at least after i did not come out of it really mad at her, i was really more mad at myself for... i mean, why do i care THAT much? and the only conclusion i could come to is that i was looking for something in her that i could not give myself.

at the end of the day depsite what i had achieved at the time with my business and habving some success with women, i was miserable. i wasn't doing anything i wanted to do, i had no drive at the time, when i first met her she was one of many plates. by the time i left her she was my life. she really was. i had nothing else. and her leaving, really hurt.

today, if my wife left me tomorrow, i am not saying i would not hurt. i know i would i love her. but i would be able to move on beucase whirl she is a big part of my life today she is just that, a part. i would be able to get through my day doing all the **** i always do, i will stil go to the gym, i will still do the things that interest me and that i am passionate about, and i will go out and meet new women and have some female companionship.

i guess what i am trying to say is that breakups and hte hurt after the breakup everyone focuses on how you need to get her back or how you need to show her how that you do not care, but to me, at least in 2012, when a woman you cared about leaves you it really puts the stress test to your metal and what you really are about and what you are not about. is all this **** you say you want to do or that you say or4 think you are true or is it window dressing.