"Don't take it personally..."

[LowPlainsDrifter]

A piece of advice I've heard often is "don't take
rejection personally." But what about acceptance?
Are we not supposed to take that personally?
I'm only trying to sort out what I perceive as an
inconsistency here.
Anyone have thoughts on this?

 

[Sexy_Malibu]

Wow that's a good one. I never even thought about that...

basically I think that the reason you shouldn't take things personally is because of the whole "eye of the beholder" thing... some people just like certain things and don't like certain things and it doesn't make you wrong or bad to not be/have the things they like. But... it does make acceptance a little less wonderful doesn't it? I think part of it also has to do with who the "beholder" is... if you like them and really respect their opinions, then I guess their opinion of YOU means more.

I think that rejection shouldn't bother you because its just a matter of taste... they just don't like that type of thing... So at least you can feel good about acceptance because acceptance means not only do they like that type of thing, but you are pretty good at the "type of thing" they like???

 

[toot86]

deep.

I love it.! I think if a girl you meet at a club and you get her to give you a b/j in the back of the car..

Its because you had the skills...

and if she the next night gave a b/j to a big Black guy


you take it in as it was a good b/j nothing eles nothing more..


You got because you had the skills..

 

[Titus]

Low, that is a good piece of advice, but if you do not undestand it, it is usless. Because only then it starts working.

In short, it shows you that being angry at anything is only spitting in your own face, not by anybody else but yourself. Once you realize your own stupidity in this, taking things personaly slowly starts to lose it's power.

Try it, it's worth it!

good luck

 

[PEACEDJ]

Personally I take rejection and acceptance the sameway.

That way you won't lose. Like if you get accepted, good give yourself props, and if you get rejected let be who cares either way you learn right?

Plus, by not expecting anything or anticipation of something you learn to be free and happy in any situation possible.

 

[bugsquish]

Sounds like you're talking about the "Locus of Control" described in the Quick Tips section

Locus of Control
AspiringDonJuan

I read about a principle the other day that has been touched on here, but I don't think fully explained. It is known as Locus of Control, and basically comes down to what you see as the determining factors in life and your own influence on things.

A person who sees himself as having ultimate control over his life and everything that happens is said to have an internal locus.

On the other hand, if a person sees his life as being manipulated by factors outside of his control, he is said to have an external locus.

In general, people with an internal locus are more successful than those with an external locus. However, it goes further. It can get a bit complicated, but quite simply the locus can be different for success and failure.

For example, if Johnny picks up a woman, he might say, "I am just such a great guy." On the other hand, Billy might say, "I was lucky tonight, she must be desperate, I guess the moon was in the right phase, etc." Johnny has an internal locus when it comes to success, whereas Billy has an external one.

Now, when Johnny is unsuccessful in picking up, he might say, "Boy that woman must be having a bad day." Whereas Billy might say, "Jeez, I really stuffed things up again, I am such a loser."

This time when it comes to failure, Johnny has an external locus whereas Billy has an internal locus.

In general, people with a reasonably external locus of control (I'll get to why I say "reasonably" in a minute) in relation to failure will be more successful, because they keep up a more optimistic outlook.

Incidentally, Johnny's attitude should look familiar to the advice posted on this site, whereas Billy's might sound a little like your old pre-Don Juan days.

So what am I driving at? It should be obvious, but in case you missed the point, I'll spell it out.

You must accept that you control your own destiny and keep the internal locus when it comes to success. However, you must realize also that interactions with other people require some of their control, so when you fail, it is often not your doing -- maintain an external locus for failure.

Having said this, it is important to keep some internal focus on failure in certain cases so that you can learn from your mistakes, but not so much that you get discouraged. You have to find a balance.

 

[Starman]

Locus of control has more to do with whether you Believe you have power within YOURSELF to do/behave/think etc vs. Behaving/think/etc that you have NO CONTROL..and that negative experiences are beyond your own control

Listen,

Acceptance is a FLAT out compliment..the person that gives it to you isnt ambiguous or vague about his/her acceptance of you

REJECTION - on the other hand is VERY vague..Why someone rejected you can have a MILLION reasons (you were too ugly, she was already involved, she was having a bad day, she is lesbian, etc)

YOU will never know the reason behind a rejection...so WHY take it personally?

When someone says "I dont like you"

You're first question should be "Why?"

that is your mentality trying to find a reason so as to not to accept Rejection at face value

EVERYONE gets rejected..Ive seen some reallly good looking friends of mine who ALWAYS score..get rejected cold MANY times!

The trick is to MEMORIZE all the acceptances..and do away with the rejections..they are useless

 

[Sexy_Malibu]

Originally posted by Starman
When someone says "I dont like you"

You're first question should be "Why?"

that is your mentality trying to find a reason so as to not to accept Rejection at face value

EVERYONE gets rejected..Ive seen some reallly good looking friends of mine who ALWAYS score..get rejected cold MANY times!

The trick is to MEMORIZE all the acceptances..and do away with the rejections..they are useless

But the rejections aren't necessarily USELESS... While you shouldn't take it to heart, it can be a learning experience. I mean, if someone says "I don't like you... because I'm just not attracted to guys with brown hair" then you say "okay, to each her own"... But if she says "I don't like you... because you offended me with that -----ist statement" (fill in your own ISM) then you can say, "oh, wow, maybe I should be less insensitive, or maybe I should think before I speak"... maybe.

 

[Starman]

heh true dat maliboob,

I was just referring to the original post..where the guy was wondering Why you should remember ACceptance..and not rejections?

If you are coming off as an ass..of course you should learn from your rejections..to see if it was something ABOUT you or whether it was something superficial..

That is Did they reject you as a person? or reject your behavior?

Rejections are a harsh reality of life..its hard to differentiate between being rejected as a person all together or KNOWING that you didnt give the person a chance to know the REAL you, so how can they reject you so fast?

Most people who take rejections personally..have had parents who rejected them as a person/whole..because of something disapporiving they might have done (i.e. spill the milk)

Parents dont know the lasting effects they have on their kids

 

[bugsquish]

Starman, you're right, but the locus still holds true.

Originally posted by Starman
Acceptance is a FLAT out compliment..the person that gives it to you isnt ambiguous or vague about his/her acceptance of you

Internal locus, and rightfully so. You are responsible for this event. It is in your control.

Originally posted by Starman
REJECTION - on the other hand is VERY vague..Why someone rejected you can have a MILLION reasons (you were too ugly, she was already involved, she was having a bad day, she is lesbian, etc)

External locus, again justified by your common sense. Those million reasons were OUTSIDE your control.

 

[Starman]

BugSquish..Your explanation CAN work with internal/external..but this theory is more about Behavioral control of internal/external actions..

I think what you mean to say is the Attribution Theory

read about it here

http://www.as.wvu.edu/~sbb/comm221/chapters/attrib.htm

 

[Ar7]

Originally posted by Starman

That is Did they reject you as a person? or reject your behavior?

Nailed it right there me thinks..

There is nothing much you can do about the physical attributes you were born with. When your physical attributes are the primary base of a rejection, it is best to just accept that, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". It's not something you can control, so not much point dwelling over it.

While if it was your skills to blame for, then by all means take it personally. It is an essential ingredient of a constantly improving DJ.

 

[Starman]

The main idea is that person wasnt given a chance to know WHO you are as a person!

So they cant possibly REJECT you! I read a book a while back saying "When a woman rejects you..she is just not INTERESTED at THAT TIME..And should NEVER be construed as a Rejection of your entire Personal self"

 

[Ar7]

Originally posted by Starman
The main idea is that person wasnt given a chance to know WHO you are as a person!

Ok I think I spoke to soon in my earlier post

A part of being a DJ is about creating those chances isnt it? So unless it is a physical attribute that you cannot help, yes you should take it personally, for the benifit of improving your skills further.

 

[iqqi]

Originally posted by Starman


REJECTION - on the other hand is VERY vague..Why someone rejected you can have a MILLION reasons (you were too ugly, she was already involved, she was having a bad day, she is lesbian, etc)

exactly on point. you don't take it personally because 99.9% of the time it isn't about YOU.

how could it really be if they don't know you?

 

[Starman]

I agree with anyone that agrees with me

and no dummy! Rejection should never be taken seriously..constructive criticism YES..rejection goes out with the trash

 

[Ar7]

Originally posted by Starman
constructive criticism YES..rejection goes out with the trash

Yup, this is what I trying to point at by saying "taking it personally for the benifit of your own skills". Which of course starman has worded it way better.

 

[Starman]

I have seen many times..2 guys of equally good looks..one was the rockstar drug using highschool dropout..the other the workout fitness guy with a good job and a degree

guess which one got rejected?