Don't know how to answer

[h_amati]

Hello,

I've dated this girl on and off for 6 months, we have kissed but have not been intimate, sexual tension is high.

A month ago, she invited me to her friend's wedding that entails staying overnight. I told her to pick a hotel and she seemed enthused about it, she even mentioned we should stay for a night before the wedding.

The wedding is in a couple of weeks and today she texted that she needed to change plans since she is training for a marathon in september and she can't stay for the night.

So she wants to go and return earlier to the city so she can train Sunday morning. She has not cancelled going to the wedding together, just staying overnight.

I have not responded yet and wonder how I should do so. Keep in mind she is 36 and we are both divorced, she is not a little girl anymore.

I'm bummed about this and I really feel like I should tell her to fvck off and go by herself, but I know there is a right way to handle this and get my way with her.

Any ideas?.

Thanks,

Hugo

 

[SoSuave666]

 

[Iceberg]

Six months without any intimacy is absurd. Even if it was off and on.

This was her last big shot and she blew it. Move on. I don't know what she's doing or what she's thinking or what she's planning. But this is a joke. She doesn't even deserve a "fvck off."

Hate seeing a guy waste months trying to crack some girl like it's the DaVinci Code. In adults (ages 16+), interest will usually manifest itself physically in the first 4 dates or so. And honestly, I get pissed if I go 3 dates without any action.

x2

 

[ebracer05]

6 months without intimacy dude?

I'm going to disagree with Iceberg and say that while she may have blown her last shot, you have 6 months invested in this girl and just lost an opportunity to spend the night with her. I would at least make an attempt to recoup some of my losses before I totally cut ties.

I just had a thought that unless this wedding was for a friend she wasn't very close to, it's weird that a girl would choose training for a marathon over attending her friend's wedding, even if she wasn't that close. Maybe running is really important to her? Maybe it was a justification to break your overnight plants. There is only one way to find out!

You need to plan some sort of date where sex is going to be the natural result. Invite her out for drinks or something and bring her back to your place for a movie or some other thing that you have. Maybe you play an instrument or something. Maybe there's something you really need to show her. You've kissed her before so that shouldn't be an issue. You need to sexually escalate the situation and put her in a position to either accept your sexual escalation or rejection. This is what it comes down to man, and you can't wuss out. I would only give it one chance though. If you get sex, you can reassess the situation. If you don't get sex (or at least significantly increase the level of escalation), it's time to walk. Give it your best shot and go for the gold... shooting for anything less will not help you.

 

[headFirst]

How can it be on and off.. when there was never any on.

Maybe to you it's on and off but to her you are just friends. Then she got to thinking she doesn't want to give you the wrong idea by spending the night.

I honestly think if you are 6 months into it and you haven't tried to get intimate, this is on your accord and your fault. If you never gave her a chance to reject you then you can only blame yourself.

She either A) only see's you more as a friend and figured you got the hint by now, or B) was waiting for you to make a move so you casually got placed into the friend's zone. Either way I think you went "casual" about it way too long.

6 months and no play but you guys were dating of some sort? You might want to reanalyze what you and her really were.

 

[TRSX]

Please watch patrice o'neal stand up. if shes 36, I'd wait a MAX of 2 dates for intimacy. Put your **** up against her and see how it feels.

Man up.

 

[h_amati]

Can't fault the reasoning here. Truth is I have consistently rejected her, she wanted to keep dating and told her that I'm not interested and we should be just friends (although I would like having sex with her).

She's always flirty and shares some of her sexual fantasies, she jokingly says she feels love for me and we should get married someday. She touches me constantly and likes loves to grab my arm when walking.

She has seriously said I'm good looking and a great catch. She hides it well, but I can see she gets jealous of other girls.

The wedding is of a close male friend of her's. I know this guy and we get along good, he knows we dated and thinks I'm great for her.

This girl is pretty serious about running and training, I just don't get why she would cut the time at her friend's wedding short.

I told her I'm fine if she thinks I shouldn't go with her to the wedding, she replied she does want me to go with her and just that I need to know we should leave earlier. She is having dinner with the marrying couple soon and said they would understand the importance of her training because they are runners too.

She is always teasing me in an openly sexual way, when I respond to her teasing she always backs off. The thing about spending the night of the wedding together is something like that, she is about to get it and she backs down.

 

[Iceberg]

Can't fault the reasoning here. Truth is I have consistently rejected her, she wanted to keep dating and told her that I'm not interested and we should be just friends (although I would like having sex with her).

She's always flirty and shares some of her sexual fantasies, she jokingly says she feels love for me and we should get married someday. She touches me constantly and likes loves to grab my arm when walking.

She has seriously said I'm good looking and a great catch. She hides it well, but I can see she gets jealous of other girls.

The wedding is of a close male friend of her's. I know this guy and we get along good, he knows we dated and thinks I'm great for her.

This girl is pretty serious about running and training, I just don't get why she would cut the time at her friend's wedding short.

I told her I'm fine if she thinks I shouldn't go with her to the wedding, she replied she does want me to go with her and just that I need to know we should leave earlier. She is having dinner with the marrying couple soon and said they would understand the importance of her training because they are runners too.

She is always teasing me in an openly sexual way, when I respond to her teasing she always backs off. The thing about spending the night of the wedding together is something like that, she is about to get it and she backs down.

So what you're telling us is, she SAYS a lot of nice things about you....and none of this results in sex.

Hmmm what is more important. Actions or words?

Teasing. Talking. Flirting. Complimenting. You're in your late 30's, man...if there's anything that life has taught you by now, it's that words mean nothing. Especially a woman's words.

What are you expecting? Maybe after another 6 months or maybe a year or two of flirting, then she'll open up to you?

I don't care if you've consistently rejected her. Call it what you want...right now, she's rejecting you. Because she has something you want and she's not giving it to you. Meanwhile you're still playing the non-sexual boyfriend role of kissing her, holding hands, and attending weddings.

 

[cremasta7]

I wouldn't knock back a wedding invite... all that free food and booze.

Just book yourself a hotel room. She can head back early by herself and you're free to chat up any single women at the reception afterwards.

 

[HalfPUAHalfAFC]

I wouldn't knock back a wedding invite... all that free food and booze.

Just book yourself a hotel room. She can head back early by herself and you're free to chat up any single women at the reception afterwards.

While everyone is correct to lambaste the situation of 6 months and no sex and wondering why the OP is still with here, cremasta7 is on to something here.

Yes, book the room. At the wedding, divide your time up flirting with both this girl and other women at the reception (a notorious place for easy lays). Get a jealousy plotline going.

When the girl knows you have a room and sees other women receptive to your advances, then she might change her mind about leaving. She'll see that if she leaves you could easily bang another chick from the wedding. That might just be enough to get her into bed for the evening.

Or, if she does leave, you have other women in your sights for the evening. Once the evening is about 1/2-2/3 over, drop a hint to your girl about staying. If she refuses, then direct all your attention to other women you have already opened by this point. Your girl might just change her mind if she sees she is about to lose you. And if she doesn't, you still have 1/3 of the reception left to close someone else.

Take advantage of the situation to the fullest.

 

[seethehoop]

I wouldn't knock back a wedding invite... all that free food and booze.

Just book yourself a hotel room. She can head back early by herself and you're free to chat up any single women at the reception afterwards.

This is what you should do. That way if she has a change of heart and wants to stay over you have somewhere to go and if not you can then stay and pull, its high emotions for women at weddings. Also may be her ASD kicked in and she felt too easy. Set this up but draw the line. If she bails on the night then you move on. 6 months its way too long.

 

[h_amati]

Well, had a chat with her yesterday. Told her I expected to spend the night with her and that I find hard to believe all that crap about her training and that I changed my mind about going to the wedding because I don't appreciate plans changed at the last minute.

She told me that this has nothing to do with spending the night with me. That her personal goal from here to september is the marathon she is running. She explained that her change of plans is because she received a call from her father saying he will be at the marathon to see her. She has been a dissapointment to her father all her life and she does not want to dissapoint him again.

She told me to think whatever makes me feel better and that if I changed my mind about going to the wedding it's my call.

I have not replied to her messages and still think this is a load of crap. I just don't understand why she is so set about going to that wedding with me and why she even bothered to answer.

 

[HalfPUAHalfAFC]

So, in other words, you took none of the advice on the board and when all butt-hurt AFC on her, she called you on it, and now you have no choice but to play into her frame. Well done.

And if you decide to go the wedding anyway after saying you won't, you'll be even more of a chump in her eyes.

You've dug yourself a hole. Stop digging.

I'm not sure there's a way to salvage the situation after you stupidly tried to call her bluff and failed. Maybe someone on the board can help.

I see her dumping your needy rear end soon.

 

[The Karate Kid]

Man, you need to eject from this chick. In my experience, first if a girl is interested in you, you will have her naked by like the 3rd hangout(i have never waited longer than that), and she will take any opportunity to spend time with you, especially out in public if she sees a future.

 

[SoSuave666]

Personally, I like the advice about going to the wedding and getting a room for yourself. You put HER in a situation where either she stays with you or has to wonder what it is that you're doing without her.

I'm not so sure it wasn't the worst thing to call her out a bit. I mean, she can't sacrifice 8 hours of an overnight stay? That 8 hours is going to make the difference between her completing a marathon or not completing it? It's two months away so she is probably at the height of her training though. I dunno, I just don't see staying ONE NIGHT as a huge problem. There are definitely other reasons why she doesn't want to spend the night, and it's clearly because she isn't secskually attracted to you. It doesn't matter what you did honestly, I think the book is closed on this broad.

 

[Iceberg]

So, in other words, you took none of the advice on the board and when all butt-hurt AFC on her, she called you on it, and now you have no choice but to play into her frame. Well done.

That's how I see it.

Well, had a chat with her yesterday. Told her I expected to spend the night with her and that I find hard to believe all that crap about her training and that I changed my mind about going to the wedding because I don't appreciate plans changed at the last minute.

You're making the mistake that lots of guys make. You're engaging in a debate with a woman as if she were a man. If this were a man, you could say, "Here's what I think. Here's why I'm doing what I'm doing. And here's the result I expect." And the man will either accept your logic or offer a counterpoint with his own logic.

With a woman, you cannot do this. You have to play the game. You have to tug at their emotions without seeming like you're doing it. It's unfortunate, but that's how God made them (or whatever you believe in).

If there was a move to make, it was telling her that you can't go without bothering to explain. You can even play the "upset" card in the sense of, "Look. I altered a lot of plans based around this wedding. And now you're inconveniencing me further."

You cannot, however, say "I wanted to spend the night with you. And you ruined it." because you're placing power in her hands. She has something you want, and now that she's not giving it to you (for 6 months), you've become upset.

She told me that this has nothing to do with spending the night with me. That her personal goal from here to september is the marathon she is running. She explained that her change of plans is because she received a call from her father saying he will be at the marathon to see her. She has been a dissapointment to her father all her life and she does not want to dissapoint him again.

And this is exactly why you don't engage in these types of debates with women. They'll throw some wall of bullsh!t at you, and you'll be left with no counter-argument.

 

[Iceberg]

There are definitely other reasons why she doesn't want to spend the night, and it's clearly because she isn't secskually attracted to you. It doesn't matter what you did honestly, I think the book is closed on this broad.

Are you saying this because of the refusal to share a room at the wedding....or the six months of sexual denial?

Heh.

 

[h_amati]

Heh!...spot on. It was a huge mistake trying to reason with her and it is a mistake I keep repeating...thanks for the advice!.

I'm impressed by the amount of bullsh!t she threw about her training and disappointing her father.

Although I didn't care about going to the wedding from the start, I do care about the mutual friends attending the wedding.

Is there anything I can do or say to her that can make me look less of and idiot?

 

[pdx1138]

Is there anything I can do or say to her that can make me look less of and idiot?

The only thing you could do is show up with a girl hotter than her and let her catch you two making out on the dance floor....for spite.

in any case, you need to move on.

let it be a lesson to you never to try and reason/explain/rationalize to women. Ever.
It will never get you the results you want.

I made that mistake a few times and now I always avoid those statements/giving them the power. It's pretty much over if you do.

 

[true romance]

There is nothing you can do but save your dignity. Ignore her and move on , enjoy the wedding and hit on single women there. Redeemp yourself like a true champion.

Do not say anything else to the girl. She already left running her marathon...