Don't forget to ask yourself...why?

[ducaro]

To all you guys on here who are in seach for the 'woman' of your life..
just some of my thoughts.. this post is only for those who are hoping they would find a 'good woman' one day and settle down...and clearly NOT for those who want to turn somebody into a 'fvck buddy' or do some 'hot babe' in a super market with 'inner game' or whatever.

Please be very sure, i mean ABSOLUTELY sure about the woman you are gonna get into your life. There may be a time when you actually find a good woman finally after all the struggle of going through the crapppy women out there, but its imperative you find out for yourself exactly why she likes/loves you.. and what is her motive in getting together with you..

here is a list of the things your woman should NOT consider when she falls in love with you.. (not in any particular order)

1. you look good
2. you have money
3. you'd make a good dad
4. you have influence
5. you are well built
6. you are popular
7. you don't smoke/drink
8. you are 'cool'
9. you are good in bed
10. i can go on..

Do you see it? all the factors are external. It has nothing to do with the person.. the real you.. what really makes you a special person.. what makes you unique from within.

what I am trying to say is your aim should be looking for a woman who doesn't really care about your externals.. your environment.. what you have achieved,, i mean all of this (externals) should be considered a bonus and nothing more... it doesn't really matter if it did not exist.. you know what i mean?

The real woman should be looking inside you to find out about 'you' as a person.. what are the qualities that make you so special.. what is your thinking like.. your philosophy of life.. what makes you a different person... your spiritual maturity, your passion for life... what drives you... your compassion for nature.. etc etc
this i feel is the essense of true love and respect (i believe it exists, unless you wanna prove me wrong)

sadly, a majority of the men and women fall in love with eachother and get married only because of the above factors'.. there is no depth to it... i see it happenin all the time.. The women don't think about the consequences of what would happen if all those factors suddenly vanished one-day... they just swing branches when that happens! this is the misery we all see.

so summing it up.. always ask yourself why she loves you. and you should be asking yourself too.. do you like her just because she is pretty, quiet, shy and the fact she'd make a good mother?

this post might end up sounding a lil too spiritual in a sense, but I can't help it.. im just not materialistic and I always strive to know the truth behind everything.. (even if its hurts!) I just don't believe in superficial/shallow relationships of convenience. honestly, its all about materialism and greed. this is what is killing love, respect and understanding for one another around the world.

I firmly believe you should tell yourself everyday that you are gonna die one day.. face it you are! so be humble yet strong, focused and confident about what you wanna do in this life. after all, you will be answering yourself in your death bed about everything you achieved/experienced in this life.. and you most certainly wanna be truthful and deep about it, don't you??

I hope this post helps you to get to know yourself better. Find the meaning in yourselves.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo,

Good post, Ducaro!


The scariest thing most people (men or women) will EVER do is to look within themselves. And that's usually because deep down, most of them already KNOW they would be staring into an abyss------so myopic, and shallow their lives are...

People often prefer to take the path of least resistance, which is to remain surface-level and superficial. I too, believe that it takes a certain amount of guts, balls, and yes------SPIRITUALITY to mine your own personal depths.

For only when we do THAT, can we train ourselves well enough to know when it's circumstantially appropriate to either be SELFISH (in the sense that we know when to protect our own best interest), or SELF-LESS (in the sense that we ALSO know when to look out for the well-being of those we choose to care about).



Peace...one day.

 

[Sinistar]

Something about this post doesn't sit right with me. I think it started with...

To all you guys on here who are in seach for the 'woman' of your life..

...this to me this translates [broadly] into a marriage goal-state mentality.

It would seem [to me] that some of the happiest and most successfull men out there (who are also in good relationships, good families, etc) were out there living their life there way and women were a compliment to his life. Eventually (through lots of experiences) he meets a women of high caliber and combined with good timing, her desire to be married, have a family and her willingness to stand beside him (and not overpower him), etc - he comits to a single 'better' one.

Now society doesn' seem to want to come out and say it. However, I think when we get down to bare facts, attraction, status, confidence, bad habits, s3xual experience all do play a role in a woman's transformation from pure attraction to feelings of love. And reversing the roles, I can tell you that a woman smoking, or addicted, or overweight, or inexperienced s3xually actually do/did play a role in my feelings developing for them.

Maybe I could put it another way. From your list below, it would seem that a woman would/should truly love a man even if his appearance (to her) turns her off. Or if he is inexperienced intimately. Or if he has bad habits or addictions, etc, etc, etc. I guess I have to throw my vote in that these things (ie external) do play a role (at least initially and arguably LT as well) in a woman falling in love with or being in love with a man. And to your point, they actually do matter (and should).

And maybe I just missed the theme/point of your post????

 

[Latinoman]

To all you guys on here who are in seach for the 'woman' of your life..
just some of my thoughts.. this post is only for those who are hoping they would find a 'good woman' one day and settle down...and clearly NOT for those who want to turn somebody into a 'fvck buddy' or do some 'hot babe' in a super market with 'inner game' or whatever.

Please be very sure, i mean ABSOLUTELY sure about the woman you are gonna get into your life. There may be a time when you actually find a good woman finally after all the struggle of going through the crapppy women out there, but its imperative you find out for yourself exactly why she likes/loves you.. and what is her motive in getting together with you..

here is a list of the things your woman should NOT consider when she falls in love with you.. (not in any particular order)

1. you look good
2. you have money
3. you'd make a good dad
4. you have influence
5. you are well built
6. you are popular
7. you don't smoke/drink
8. you are 'cool'
9. you are good in bed
10. i can go on..

Do you see it? all the factors are external. It has nothing to do with the person.. the real you.. what really makes you a special person.. what makes you unique from within.

what I am trying to say is your aim should be looking for a woman who doesn't really care about your externals.. your environment.. what you have achieved,, i mean all of this (externals) should be considered a bonus and nothing more... it doesn't really matter if it did not exist.. you know what i mean?

The real woman should be looking inside you to find out about 'you' as a person.. what are the qualities that make you so special.. what is your thinking like.. your philosophy of life.. what makes you a different person... your spiritual maturity, your passion for life... what drives you... your compassion for nature.. etc etc
this i feel is the essense of true love and respect (i believe it exists, unless you wanna prove me wrong)

sadly, a majority of the men and women fall in love with eachother and get married only because of the above factors'.. there is no depth to it... i see it happenin all the time.. The women don't think about the consequences of what would happen if all those factors suddenly vanished one-day... they just swing branches when that happens! this is the misery we all see.

so summing it up.. always ask yourself why she loves you. and you should be asking yourself too.. do you like her just because she is pretty, quiet, shy and the fact she'd make a good mother?

this post might end up sounding a lil too spiritual in a sense, but I can't help it.. im just not materialistic and I always strive to know the truth behind everything.. (even if its hurts!) I just don't believe in superficial/shallow relationships of convenience. honestly, its all about materialism and greed. this is what is killing love, respect and understanding for one another around the world.

I firmly believe you should tell yourself everyday that you are gonna die one day.. face it you are! so be humble yet strong, focused and confident about what you wanna do in this life. after all, you will be answering yourself in your death bed about everything you achieved/experienced in this life.. and you most certainly wanna be truthful and deep about it, don't you??

I hope this post helps you to get to know yourself better. Find the meaning in yourselves.

I strongly disagree.

In fact, my advice (based on a marriage to a woman that was willing to move to the Artic if it came to that and always respected me) is to only seek a relationship with a woman that has THREE MINIMUM requirements:

1- She has that "chemical reaction" (very strong attraction) for you. This is a sexual element of course.

2- She respects you and for the same token makes sure others don't disrespect you.

3- She does not have a past that strongly challenge your values.


Because all those three elements has nothing to do with how much money you make and other material aspects.

Now...in addition to that comes the "falling in love part"...and I don't disagree that that include other elements that you might mentioned.

But I will tell you one thing...EVERY marriage and EVERY relationship is going to experience challenges...and the only THREE things that can potentially make that relationship run in fumes at least until you jump-start it again are the three elements I provided.

I was married for a very long time to a good woman and I was in a relationship with a woman that also adored me. And I am working in another...

Am I that lucky? Nope...I just know what to truly look for. And have no issues walking away.

 

[ducaro]

Now society doesn' seem to want to come out and say it. However, I think when we get down to bare facts, attraction, status, confidence, bad habits, s3xual experience all do play a role in a woman's transformation from pure attraction to feelings of love. And reversing the roles, I can tell you that a woman smoking, or addicted, or overweight, or inexperienced s3xually actually do/did play a role in my feelings developing for them.QUOTE]


I think you have partially missed the point of what I was trying to make..
if you are talking about attraction for a person.. i agree one is quick to judge a person on their externals. Ofcourse, I am not attracted to a person who i think is not attractive, and because of this I quickly discard the person, without actually knowing what the person is really about. But, I make it a point to know what the person is about from within. We all know that even though a girl doesn't 'look good' there are attributes about her as a person that CAN make you fall in love with her and connect on a different level that is much more fulfilling. If this is something that cannot happen to you, then you still don't know yourself from within. Also remember the slim perfect woman you married, will be over weight/wrinkled/bad in bed one day.

Ok so she's an addict. do you know why? may be she needs help! may be she doesn't, and she is just an addict! you need to find out. need to look within a person.

 

[Colossus]

I disagree with some of your 'eharmony' rationale here. As was said before, many of those 'external' qualities in your list can be manifestations of someones character.

Ive never been married, so my opinion only offers limited validity, But it seems to me that most happily married men were guys who lived fulfilling, balanced lives on their own, and just happened to meet someone alot like them who led a similar life. I think so many people get married to fill some void or purpose in their life, like its part of their agenda. They 'force' it to work and are ultimately unhappy. Thats my own insight. Like I said, Im young and have never been married, but I have the benefit of having an experienced and introspective father who was made me aware of a lot of pitfalls.

 

[ducaro]

Hmmm...not sure I agree with your rationale here. The "external" factors you're pointing out are all manifestations of the internal qualities that you claim love should be based on.

1. you look good
-- motivated, take care of yourself.

2. you have money
-- intelligent, ambitious, self-actualized.

3. you'd make a good dad
-- kind, emotionally stable.

...etc. etc....

good observation. But please note that in some cases the externals are NOT manifestations of the internals, because the person within doesn't exist! that means all the externals are bought and is 'put on' to 'look' and 'attract' to continue in this world. So, it IS unwise to judge a person by externals. Externals are just a bonus. One day those externals may not be there.. and the question is what do you look for then????? Internals once formed will always be there. That is solid. Externals change. you could lose an arm, you could catch a disease. you could grow fat..you could lose money. and if all that happens what does your woman look for?? another branch? or stands by you telling you 'it doesn't matter, thats not what I married you for.'

haven't you heard of dad's that are ever so loving to their children, but beat the wife up for various reasons? That is what I'd like to call biological partiality, where the offsprings are considered a part of oneself, but the contributing partner is not seen in the same light.

have you seen the movie 'The Curse' ? Luscious red plump apples on the outside.. cut it open and its filled with rotten worms.

 

[ducaro]

I disagree with some of your 'eharmony' rationale here. As was said before, many of those 'external' qualities in your list can be manifestations of someones character.

Ive never been married, so my opinion only offers limited validity, But it seems to me that most happily married men were guys who lived fulfilling, balanced lives on their own, and just happened to meet someone alot like them who led a similar life. I think so many people get married to fill some void or purpose in their life, like its part of their agenda. They 'force' it to work and are ultimately unhappy. Thats my own insight. Like I said, Im young and have never been married, but I have the benefit of having an experienced and introspective father who was made me aware of a lot of pitfalls.

nothing to do with 'eharmony'. its all about looking within. read my response to phat.

 

[vorbis]

sorry Ducaro but your post reads like a pep talk for the lonely balding fat guy with little job prospects. As in a hot girl will like you for you and not worry about you being fat, bald and broke. Attraction does not work that way.

Read your list again man, most women would wet themselves at the thought of being with a guy who has these attributes!

1. you look good
2. you have money
3. you'd make a good dad
4. you have influence
5. you are well built
6. you are popular
7. you don't smoke/drink
8. you are 'cool'
9. you are good in bed

 

[ducaro]

sorry Ducaro but your post reads like a pep talk for the lonely balding fat guy with little job prospects. As in a hot girl will like you for you and not worry about you being fat, bald and broke. Attraction does not work that way.

Read your list again man, most women would wet themselves at the thought of being with a guy who has these attributes!

Bingo. You have managed to perfectly miss the point!

 

[dietzcoi]

Another Oprah lover post....

Dietzcoi

 

[mintxx]

I don't think he has missed the point man. These things are all external reflections of your inner self. The only reality is action. A kind person is a person who does kind things. A self respecting person is someone who looks after himself. The only existence of love is in the acts of love etc. (Sartre). Potential is not reality. If you take all these external aspects of yourself away, there is no expression of your inner being and hence no 'you'. Nothing wrong with a girl chasing someone for these things.

edit - i notice this has already been said, but just my 2 cents

 

[AllAmericanGuy]

I think a lot of you are missing the point...

There is a heavy spiritual emphasis that I think a lot of people completley miss in regards to attraction and intimacy. Most relationships are completley lacking this element and wonder why 10 years down the road things are just not the same.

There are three kinds of intimacy, physical, emotional, and spiritual. You can base your relationship off of any of these or a combination of them.

If you base your relationship off of physical intimacy it can be a fully functional 100% satisfactory relationship but that type of intimacy alone can only sustain the relationship for 6months to a year.

Likewise if you build your relationship off of emotional intimcay it can be a 100% seemingly healthy relationship, but will be sustained at that same ideal fulfulling level for 6 to 8 years.

As far as physical intimacy is concerned we've all been in that situation where we've had close to the most fulfilling sex with what we consider the hottest babe in the world... but 6 months later and that perfect ass just isn't filling that void anymore... And similarly if you've had the forutune or misfortune of being in a long term relationship or even a marriage for even periods of years and then progressively over time you no longer are in love with your mate. Why? Even if you are extremley emotional compatible in virtually every aspect--emotions flucuate, situational things in LIFE change effecting that dynamic you had------ it us unstable and unpermenant.....

In my humble opinion if a relationship is built off of a spiritual intimacy it can last at an ideal 100% fulfilling level for your entire life with your mate. What you believe, what your ideals are, what you stand for, what you are hoping for, who you REALLY are, never changes. Who a person REALLY is deep down; their character, their integrity, their foundational beliefs are unchanging. Sixty years later you can look at your 90 year old wife and still adore her because she is the SAME person you fell in love with. You can't look at your wife 60 years from now and still be turned on by her perky breasts, beautiful skin tone, vast amount of energy, quirky personality, etc.

 

[Luthor Rex]

good observation. But please note that in some cases the externals are NOT manifestations of the internals

Exactly!

Money + health are NOT a good indicater of the internal person. The same fire that burned down a man's house and destroyed his assets may also be the one that burned and mutilated his body.

Apperances should never be relied on...

 

[Mr.Positive]

1- She has that "chemical reaction" (very strong attraction) for you. This is a sexual element of course.

2- She respects you and for the same token makes sure others don't disrespect you.

3- She does not have a past that strongly challenge your values.

I've got to second this.

The strong "chemical reaction" will TRUMP any and all other forms of potential mate selection.

Everything else...money, looks, fame, status, is fluff really. Things women will use to justify "trading up" so to speak...branch swinging.