Don't doubt your decisions, ever.

[gettinit]

I have had a girl for a few months. All seemed great and I really grew to like her. We could be together and things never seemed to get old. She suddenly started being distant so I backed off a bit to let her simmer for a while in the event that she just needed space. Covid isolation is having weird effect on people. She was responding to text so slow that I just stopped initiating at all. She did begin initiating again and we ended up getting together again, but there was something off. Way off. I told her that I thought that maybe we should spend some time apart. Her reaction was that there wasn't a reaction. As I finished my drink, she basically treated it like any other night, conversation wise. I was under a lot of pressure from other issues and had a few drinks in me so I decided to just get up and leave. She said "don't get grouchy with me". I simply said. "Grouchy? I'm not being grouchy. You just don't seem to care at all about us being apart. Have a nice life" and walked out. I was done. We crossed paths a few times over the next month and she initiated conversation. We ended up at the same table when out and I started to cave. She was being so damned nice. I started to feel that I may have overreacted when I had walked out on her. When leaving the table, I asked if she wanted to continue the conversation. I ended up at her place for the night. All seemed OK, but I decided to keep things loose. 4-5 days later we got together again at her place, playing cards and listening to music. (her place it better for late night due to my neighbors) We were having a great time. So at about 1:00am, I go to the bathroom and I hear her phone ding. Two minutes after I sit back down, she tells me that I can't come over there anymore and I should grab my stuff, but we can hang if we run into each other when out. I was like WTF? She told me that by walking out, I had done damage to her trust in me and I had hurt her. She needed some time and it was probably temporary. A half hour long conversation followed where her phone went off 2 times, her claiming that it was UPS notifications. Yeah... OK. She looked really stressed. I said. Look, take what time you want. I'm leaving. I grabbed my stuff, she walked me to the door and stepped outside glancing around. She had never done that, ever.

Post Mortem
I'm pretty sure that I know the mistakes that I made with this, but feel free to hammer me since I'm always open to learning.

Puzzle pieces have a way of coming together after some sleep. She had an insanely jealous ex who would cruise her house at all hours, accuse her of cheating and all of the other things that come with that personality. If it was temporary, why grab my stuff? Duh, It's so he didn't see it (possibly again). As far as her following me out, she was probably seeing if that nut case was out there. I can't see that I could be wrong, especially because she mentioned that he reached out to her about a month ago. Considering a text came when I went to the bathroom, I have to wonder if he was looking in a window. Creepy stuff. I'll never understand the attraction to that behavior. She basically took a situation that we both seemed to have gotten past and turned it back around on me, making everything my fault. Made up so SHE could break up. Nothing new and I'm kicking myself for reaching back into the garbage. No guilt for her and she thinks I will fall into a backup position in case things don't work out and that I will be there to catch her.

Nope.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

At least you are piecing this together. I would guess she was banging the ex - or it wasn't the ex at all but a new guy she was sleeping with. Otherwise she wouldn't have asked you to leave so quickly - if it was an ex, why would she care? Whoever it was, it was a guy who was likely coming over and she wanted to bang.

You made the right moves in how you responded to her distance by giving even more distance. But where I think your mistake was, was when you said, " You just don't seem to care at all about us being apart. Have a nice life." You already KNEW she didn't care. If you tell her you are asking for space only out of RESPONSE to HER actions, that tells her you aren't doing it because you yourself have lost interest but that you are hurt by her declining interest and that you are taking the hint. Instead, after you told her you needed time apart, when she didn't react, you should have just politely left. "Well listen, I have to get going. Have a good night." and that's it. When you say you think you should take time apart and there is no reaction from her, that's a slap in the face. She is either secretly happy that you are finally going to get out of her hair, or trying to call your bluff. And the "don't get grouchy with me" is a really half-a$$ed attempt at pretending like she cares. If she really cared she would not have responded so trivially. The only response is to walk away and let her beg you back - on the spot or some time later, and if she does come back around, it has to be on your terms.

 

[gettinit]

@oldmanofthesea
Spot on. I should have just shut up, said goodnight and walked. I don't think that ill give her a chance, even on my terms...well that is unless I'm in a drought anyway.

I think that she is seeing the crazy ex and he probably saw my car and went off. I noticed her staring at her phone, with more of a look of fear that it would ping again. Its as easy as a click to silence it, but Im guessing it was so she might know if he was lurking outside.

 

[crosscheck1331]

If there is one thing I learned when it comes to girls, is yes, you have to trust your gut. Also, be firm. If you have established boundaries, you can't slip and make exceptions under any circumstances. I have indirectly learned that even though women sometimes intentionally test, it is better to straight up tell her to get out of your life than to go back on your word in order to keep her around. In saying that I am talking about if she disrespects you in a way that you don't like and had made clear you wouldn't stand for.

 

[Focal core]

She had an insanely jealous ex who would cruise her house at all hours, accuse her of cheating and all of the other things that come with that personality

This is why i dont do girl who rebound, they basically emotional unavailable.. Just vent out stuff with you. Dont do it again. Ever

 

[gettinit]

@Focal core
She was 4 months out. I steer clear of those fresh from a breakup. Never ends well.

 

[Focal core]

@Focal core
She was 4 months out. I steer clear of those fresh from a breakup. Never ends well.

Her action showed she wasnt fully checkout. Or still chasing her ex tails. Your guts may confirm this, dont ignored it.

 

[TonyTenner]

It's more likely it wasn't the ex - women despise needy/jealous men so if it was him she would likely have preferred you to hang around - but a new guy.

 

[darksprezzatura]

It pays to "appear" super confident.

Yet.

Internally, it's often a good idea to analyse your decisions before and after making it.

Find ways to prove yourself wrong.

Humans internally have biases which make us get too attached to our beliefs even when they are often wrong.

Look for contradictions. Reduce risk. Use your analytical mind to understand probabilities.

I repeat: it would still pay to "appear" as if you don't doubt yourself, doesn't necessarily mean you shouldn't analyse decisions.

 

[Bigpapa]

Yes , most likely there was a new in the picture that was about to come at her place to see her , not the ex

the feeling of anxiety that she was feeling when looking at the phone was most likely about that guy being there soon and you were still there and was a little bit worried about you guys meeting and putting her in a bad position .

it was good that you had dignity , but as a rule , the woman should be the One that wants the relationship not the guy .

if you like her enough , you can stay 1h or something after sex so you give her the time and space to make a move towards a relationship , otherwise you should just bang her and leave in 30 minutes top

 

[Roober]

For me, once it's over, it's over. There are far too many women in this world to waste your time on someone who's not interested.

 

[gettinit]

@Focal core
I agree and my gut is in line with the facts. Probably some unresolved things in her head. Its been 7-8 months since the ex and as we all know, bad memories fade. Its a shame that she wasn't straight with me. I don't want to be with someone who harbors any feelings for an ex anyway and if she needs to do that, she knows that she is risking the loss of me... well..actually she has lost me. If she was straight with me, I might have actually considered her return on my terms, after first having to crawl over broken glass.

@TonyTenner
I don't think so. When we got together, she had cleaned the crap out of her house, Neat as a pin. Almost too neat. It has since shifted to a bit messy. Nothing ridiculous, but lived in.
If it was a new guy, the place would probably be spotless. An ex would be used to the norm.
As far as women despising needy/jealous men, maybe that's the thing that makes her feel valued, as f-ed up as that is.. I never gave her either.

@darksprezzatura
That is exactly what I do and in rethinking, second guessed myself. As you can see, it didn't end well. Could I be wrong at this point? I looked at this upside down and sideways and always came up with the same conclusion. Analysis complete. I understand what you mean about bias and yes, things need to be looked at factually and with an open mind.

@stringpuller
I don't think that he was on his way over, I think that he did a typical, late night drive by, saw a car and freaked. She made a choice to monkey branch from me and will get an unpleasant surprise if she tries to swing back to empty sky.

 

[darksprezzatura]

@Focal core
I agree and my gut is in line with the facts. Probably some unresolved things in her head. Its been 7-8 months since the ex and as we all know, bad memories fade. Its a shame that she wasn't straight with me. I don't want to be with someone who harbors any feelings for an ex anyway and if she needs to do that, she knows that she is risking the loss of me... well..actually she has lost me. If she was straight with me, I might have actually considered her return on my terms, after first having to crawl over broken glass.

@TonyTenner
I don't think so. When we got together, she had cleaned the crap out of her house, Neat as a pin. Almost too neat. It has since shifted to a bit messy. Nothing ridiculous, but lived in.
If it was a new guy, the place would probably be spotless. An ex would be used to the norm.
As far as women despising needy/jealous men, maybe that's the thing that makes her feel valued, as f-ed up as that is.. I never gave her either.

@darksprezzatura
That is exactly what I do and in rethinking, second guessed myself. As you can see, it didn't end well. Could I be wrong at this point? I looked at this upside down and sideways and always came up with the same conclusion. Analysis complete. I understand what you mean about bias and yes, things need to be looked at factually and with an open mind.

@stringpuller
I don't think that he was on his way over, I think that he did a typical, late night drive by, saw a car and freaked. She made a choice to monkey branch from me and will get an unpleasant surprise if she tries to swing back to empty sky.

I wasn't talking about decisions in context to women only, but everywhere.

Unless you have clear boundaries, along with an experience of abundance, you will falter with women.

Assume this, if you had 10 women blowing up your phone to sleep with them, what kind of decision would you make in the case.

Would you second guess yourself this much?

Would you be making posts about a particular girl on a forum?

Don't get stuck up on pvssy, there are lots of women out there even if you feel like you won't find anyone.

 

[gettinit]

@stringpuller
Maybe it won't phase her at all. It really doesn't matter to me. My post was more of a case study than worrying about what to do and she would need my presence to be "in" her frame. The only way that she will see me is by accident.

 

[Clamslammer]

A guy with options does not ask a female why she is not paying attention to him. You sound like an insecure girl and her cat got dried up quick because of that.

When you saw her pull back you should have pulled back even more and got busy with your life if you had one outside of her. She would have came chasing like a squirrel chasing a nut and then you would have control of the outcome.

Walk away from this one. If she reaches out, no wasting time texting back and forth. Invite her over for dinner.

 

[flowtheory]

Honestly, man, I don't actually think you did many things wrong. Could they always be improved? Well, duh, yea. No one here is doing things 100% according to the man guide SS rules. It's an ideal - something to shoot for, but life has a way of getting in the way because we're emotional and will bend on some things when we like someone. Totally natural. Impossible to be stonecold when you want intimate experiences. Because that requires openness. Can't always operate an emotional field with a logical mind. But the only way everything becomes auto-pilot is through failure. And that failure has to be learned by experiences like these. I don't think you made any eye-bulging out of socket mistakes.
You walked when you needed to and were playful when you needed too, plus you seem self-aware.

You seem like a sound guy who knows his value which you displayed in actionable ways. Sure you asked her why she was being a certain way, but big deal? you cared. It's not weak to care. You liked this girl and gave her a shot. Weren't needy, but rather you were curious because she presented confusion. You didn't beg or plead but you made yourself open to possibility with her again subsequent to her first weird shift. Sometimes we give second chances. Not an issue. She seemed to take you up on it, but then it was clear she's entangled in something a bit odd.

My take? She got weird the first time because the ex re-emerged. She dropped you fairly fast and became evasive. You saw her again, and she remembered how she actually enjoyed you and you would most likely be a healthy and somewhat positive person her. Logially she knows that. But emotionally she's probably a bit off and likes drama/toxicity right now. You guys ensue your evening and correspondence from there. However the difference this time is that her ex is around - psycho or not, we don't know, or care, because she's just painted the narrative that he's that to make herself out to be a victim who needs TLC - so the next guy will treat her even better. (Women do that all the time. My ex does it already and I treated her insanely well; not without some flubs, but I'm certainly no ghoul. Women just do that... We all know. It's a way for them to justify their own BS, I think. )
Anyways; her ex has more emotional pull than you because of emotions and time invested. The new guy will lose 90% of the time to the ex for those two reasons alone. There's way more too, but, you know.
I don't think it's a new guy either. But it doesn't matter if he's new or old. Just look at how she's acting. To me she's unstable and a bit unhinged with being selfish. It's not a good investment for you.

@Focal core
She was 4 months out. I steer clear of those fresh from a breakup. Never ends well.

Never ends well at all. You will have to be a proxy for her to process her emotions. So it won't be about the relationship or you, it will be solely about her needs and wants/unwanted feelings. Everything will be mediocre at best. But if a moment is great? it will be met with a low shortly after.

It's more likely it wasn't the ex - women despise needy/jealous men so if it was him she would likely have preferred you to hang around - but a new guy.

But if he was the one who walked. Whether it's jealousy or not, if he's showing attention to her, that will far outweigh new guy attention. Because if she's in the throes of a breakup, high-emotion territory still she will be super sensitive to everything that guy does. Even negative attention is positive when we miss someone.

You would be surprised the subconsiounce level that they love a guy who will correct them the right way.

Im assuming you are correct on a gut level and he was probably on his way over. He doesn't take no for an answer i guess. Imagine that

Especially if they just broke recently. He is going to be much more assertive than he was. Cares slightly less about how he comes across. and this will translate to deep desire. And oddly, high attraction from her.

I wasn't talking about decisions in context to women only, but everywhere.

Unless you have clear boundaries, along with an experience of abundance, you will falter with women.

Assume this, if you had 10 women blowing up your phone to sleep with them, what kind of decision would you make in the case.

Would you second guess yourself this much?

Would you be making posts about a particular girl on a forum?

Don't get stuck up on pvssy, there are lots of women out there even if you feel like you won't find anyone.

Terrific post.

hard to imagine those things if you never eperienced it though. But if every guy operated with this mindset.. They would all be attractive in themselves and be conquering their goals and dreams, I bet. It relinquishes the petty romantic relationship dramas, which are the most exhausting.

 

[flowtheory]

@Focal core
She was 4 months out. I steer clear of those fresh from a breakup. Never ends well.

4 months is nothing if she actually loved the guy. If she was actually invested and it broke? Oh man.. that can take up to years to heal, saying if they dated for a good chunk of time.

If it was just a 'love' (and by love i mean lust, but they think its love) relationship 4 months to get over something would be fairly standard.

 

[Focal core]

Women monkey branch. Every time. There is no rebound vacuum. Not that i ever seen.
Those are called plate spinners

If they serial rebounder theres no way they can heal from previous relationship, feelings were ignored and converted to thought. hence so many guys/girls complain they cant find a meaningful relationship.

 

[flowtheory]

If they serial rebounder theres no way they can heal from previous relationship, feelings were ignored and converted to thought. hence so many guys/girls complain they cant find a meaningful relationship.

a meaningful relationship can only happen when you have that with yourself. Then when the other has that with their self, you simply open together and experience a meaningful life together, as it's a natural by-product. Like two magnets being attracted.

 

[Focal core]

a meaningful relationship can only happen when you have that with yourself. Then when the other has that with their self, you simply open together and experience a meaningful life together, as it's a natural by-product. Like two magnets being attracted.

Exactly this is why an emotionally healthy person dont do rebound. They maintain relationships with themselves. Only then they know how to love other then themselves.