Don’t know what to do

[jaymbrs]

What he should do is dump her, vanish or not. It's a really bad idea to set boundaries on someone like this.

He's not going to do that though. And honestly I've grabbed my balls in a relationship or 2 and addressed an issue very directly with the woman I was seeing. It actually did help me gain some respect and even though the relationships ended eventually I left feeling better that I addressed the said issue like a man.

 

[lamath]

LA, I want to you to pay heed here. It’s not her, it’s him.

Most would do the same with a man who carries a weak frame and boundaries, as he cannot be trusted to lead her. Hence, she keeps him until she finds a man who can.

If anything, she’s upfront about it.

Most of us think is not salvageable.What is your opinion if you think its him?
I agree that his frame as been slowly degrading and is the reason for this.Possible to regain frame?

 

[lamath]

He's not going to do that though. And honestly I've grabbed my balls in a relationship or 2 and addressed an issue very directly with the woman I was seeing. It actually did help me gain some respect and even though the relationships ended eventually I left feeling better that I addressed the said issue like a man.

This dont work imo its not setting up boundries its making an ultimatum.

From Rollo
https://therationalmale.com/2012/05/07/ultimatum/

Whenever a person delivers an ultimatum, always understand that this is a declaration of powerlessness. In other words, “I am so out of control in this circumstance you must do this or I will remove either myself or you from the circumstance.”

 

[RickTheToad]

Most of us think is not salvageable.What is your opinion if you think its him?
I agree that his frame as been slowly degrading and is the reason for this.Possible to regain frame?

Only way would be to walk away and see if she chases. If she chases he can take her back on his terms, but it's not going to last. A leopard never changes her spots. Give it another month and she'll be entertaining other men. These phones and social media almost make it too easy for both genders to wonder if the grass is greener on the other side.

DTB

 

[guru1000]

It's both. She chose him for his weakness because it validates her in a novel way. Would she openly do this to a guy she respects? No, those guys are normally just for sex.

You reaffirm my point. She wouldn’t act that to a man she respects (and not only for sex).

Most of us think is not salvageable.What is your opinion if you think its him?
I agree that his frame as been slowly degrading and is the reason for this.Possible to regain frame?

Dump. Let her chase. Then gauge her efforts to redress.

Problem with this is it’s just a temporary bandaid to a larger issue in OP which will arise again.

 

[flowtheory]

LA, I want to you to pay heed here. It’s not her, it’s him.

Most would do the same with a man who carries a weak frame and boundaries, as he cannot be trusted to lead her. Hence, she keeps him until she finds a man who can.

If anything, she’s upfront about it.

I don’t know if my frame is entirely weak. I believe I’m very understanding and grant openness in many situations while trying to be understanding. It’s difficult when she is being openly honest about the ‘friendships’ or what’s going on with her.

I can agree that I should build a more solid frame in some ways. bjt Like LA said I’m dealing with someone who is deeply hypocritical in many areas. So I do handle situations quite well when they arise, but another issue pops up instantly when one is dealt with.
She contrived attraction and this doesn’t have much to do with frame IMO but more-so to do with maybe someone who is insecure.

Why am I putting up with it all though, given the many issues presented? What we have is generally quite good aside from some things.

Defence aside..

What would guru do in this situation? I know I’m not handling everything perfectly but I haven’t had experience like this before so I can’t learn true frame without having the foundations tested.

 

[sosousage]

if you have other options:
ignore her

if you dont
stop being jealous and keep f*cking her till she cheats on u. also look for other wamen

 

[SoSuave666]

I don’t know if my frame is entirely weak. I believe I’m very understanding and grant openness in many situations while trying to be understanding. It’s difficult when she is being openly honest about the ‘friendships’ or what’s going on with her.

I can agree that I should build a more solid frame in some ways. bjt Like LA said I’m dealing with someone who is deeply hypocritical in many areas. So I do handle situations quite well when they arise, but another issue pops up instantly when one is dealt with.
She contrived attraction and this doesn’t have much to do with frame IMO but more-so to do with maybe someone who is insecure.

Why am I putting up with it all though, given the many issues presented? What we have is generally quite good aside from some things.

Defence aside..

What would guru do in this situation? I know I’m not handling everything perfectly but I haven’t had experience like this before so I can’t learn true frame without having the foundations tested.

Stop calling them friendships Jesus Christ. What happened to having some balls.

OP you have weak frame and are being a *****.

 

[RickTheToad]

I don’t know if my frame is entirely weak. I believe I’m very understanding and grant openness in many situations while trying to be understanding. It’s difficult when she is being openly honest about the ‘friendships’ or what’s going on with her.

I can agree that I should build a more solid frame in some ways. bjt Like LA said I’m dealing with someone who is deeply hypocritical in many areas. So I do handle situations quite well when they arise, but another issue pops up instantly when one is dealt with.
She contrived attraction and this doesn’t have much to do with frame IMO but more-so to do with maybe someone who is insecure.

Why am I putting up with it all though, given the many issues presented? What we have is generally quite good aside from some things.

Defence aside..

What would guru do in this situation? I know I’m not handling everything perfectly but I haven’t had experience like this before so I can’t learn true frame without having the foundations tested.

The majority said the same thing. Walk away. You're letting her control the relationship (or whatever you have). Are you that pvssy whipped? Gain control back by walking away. It's hard, I know, but it has to be done. Nothing worth doing in life is ever easy. Get to it and go NC.

 

[lamath]

I don’t know if my frame is entirely weak. I believe I’m very understanding and grant openness in many situations while trying to be understanding. It’s difficult when she is being openly honest about the ‘friendships’ or what’s going on with her.

I can agree that I should build a more solid frame in some ways. bjt Like LA said I’m dealing with someone who is deeply hypocritical in many areas. So I do handle situations quite well when they arise, but another issue pops up instantly when one is dealt with.
She contrived attraction and this doesn’t have much to do with frame IMO but more-so to do with maybe someone who is insecure.

Why am I putting up with it all though, given the many issues presented? What we have is generally quite good aside from some things.

Defence aside..

What would guru do in this situation? I know I’m not handling everything perfectly but I haven’t had experience like this before so I can’t learn true frame without having the foundations tested.

Ive have face some similar situation in the past, it was easy for me to deal with it because i wasn't hook to her already.
I just did ngaf about it and situation fixed itself. Might not be how everyone handle it

 

[guru1000]

I agree, in fact I've been in both roles with the same woman and was treated differently. But that isn't the most important information here because this woman is also seriously fvcked up. You can't put lipstick on a pig. No one should take this woman seriously.

I sure hope you aren't seriously contending you can make a ho a housewife.

She’s not a ho from what I know.

Yes, some women are incorrigible. She’s not one of them. Wise is he who understands the difference.

Edit: I retract that after reading Flow’s subsequent post. She has baggage though not a ho.

 

[flowtheory]

You reaffirm my point. She wouldn’t act that to a man she respects (and not only for sex).
Dump. Let her chase. Then gauge her efforts to redress.

Problem with this is it’s just a temporary bandaid to a larger issue in OP which will arise again.

I’m not going to dump her. Yet. But something needs to change, and fast. And this is needs to come from me. So how does one re-establish it all.

And it’s not about her not respecting me. She’s said overtly that she does. We have sex plenty and go out often. She swoons often. There’s just these issues..

Food for thought..
Her dad cheated on her mom for a full 30 years (entire duration of their marriage. Her dad sexualized her as a child and even as a teenager - no foul play though). She has commitment issues and phobia because of this. She is insecure in aspects of vulnerabilities.
I heighten this fear because I am quite attractive. I used to model internationally (legit). I get attention from lots of women. Her last boyfriend was a real 4.5/10 no joke; he had many issues, including alcoholism. She’s about an 8.5.

It’s not always ones frame that is in question. Or is the problem always us. Dealing with people whom have baggage (most women) creates issues.

 

[RickTheToad]

Food for thought..
Her dad cheated on her mom for a full 30 years (entire duration of their marriage. Her dad sexualized her as a child and even as a teenager - no foul play though). She has commitment issues and phobia because of this. She is insecure in aspects of vulnerabilities.
I heighten this fear because I am quite attractive. I used to model internationally (legit). I get attention from lots of women. Her last boyfriend was a real 4.5/10 no joke; he had many issues, including alcoholism. She’s about an 8.5.

And you do not see any red flags here? Sexualized as a child, daddy issues, commitment issues..

 

[lamath]

I’m not going to dump her. Yet. But something needs to change, and fast. And this is needs to come from me. So how does one re-establish it all.

And it’s not about her not respecting me. She’s said overtly that she does. We have sex plenty and go out often. She swoons often. There’s just these issues..

Food for thought..
Her dad cheated on her mom for a full 30 years (entire duration of their marriage. Her dad sexualized her as a child and even as a teenager - no foul play though). She has commitment issues and phobia because of this. She is insecure in aspects of vulnerabilities.
I heighten this fear because I am quite attractive. I used to model internationally (legit). I get attention from lots of women. Her last boyfriend was a real 4.5/10 no joke; he had many issues, including alcoholism. She’s about an 8.5.

It’s not always ones frame that is in question. Or is the problem always us. Dealing with people whom have baggage (most women) creates issues.

I disagree here, her past and baggage are not a reason to validate lack of respect.

If you take those into consideration imo you are entering her frame.

 

[guru1000]

What concerns me Flo is instead of feeling and being insulted here, you are still looking to fix this relation. As if your being her savior is more important than you.

Therein is the larger issue.

I can’t help you other than for you to experience the subsequent pain of what she will do to you. Unfortunately, you will not change without the motivation of deep pain. So I’ll leave you to it and we’ll chat some more after her cheating once you build the resolve to dump her.

 

[RickTheToad]

What concerns me Flo is instead of feeling and being insulted here, you are still looking to fix this relation. As if your being her savior is more important than you.

Therein is the larger issue.

I can’t help you other than for you to experience the subsequent pain of what she will do to you. Unfortunately, you will not change without the motivation of deep pain. So I’ll leave you to it and we’ll chat some more after her cheating once you build the resolve to dump her.

He still has the rose colored glasses on. We've all been there in some part of our lives. The only thing the helps us change the way we operate is when we hit rock bottom or experience extreme pain. He'll learn eventually.

 

[SoSuave666]

What concerns me Flo is instead of feeling and being insulted here, you are still looking to fix this relation. As if your being her savior is more important than you.

Therein is the larger issue.

I can’t help you other than for you to experience the subsequent pain of what she will do to you. Unfortunately, you will not change without the motivation of deep pain. So I’ll leave you to it and we’ll chat some more after her cheating once you build the resolve to dump her.

She will probably dump him first if he doesn’t. Overt disrespect is one step away from “the talk” where she will rip his soul out and not care in the least.

 

[Atom Smasher]

What would you suggest is the solution in handling this? Sit down and express that I’m not interested in partaking in a relationship where this behaviour is present. Setting a solid boundary.


I don’t know if this is entirely true. If she was ready to branch swing, and given her insane honesty towards situations I would think she would just end it if she weren’t happy. Much less she wouldn’t be sending me the text she did yesterday. Or care in many other ways which she has.
I don’t know why she’s doing what she is. It could be to show she has options and use dread tactics for control.

I know she doesn’t like that I hangout with my ex girlfriend (whom I’ve been solid friends with for two years post breakup)

This is entirely YOUR responsibility. You are the reason it is happening because you did not lay down your boundaries. It actually seems like you may not even have boundaries.

She has already lost respect for you. I know this because you have let this happen and any woman would revile not being reined-in. Women need a leader, a man who sets the parameters for the relationship. He doesn't negotiate them. He sets them.

I don't mean to be rude or overly harsh, but brother, you need to fix this fast. The only hope you have is to sit her down and lay down the rules in an absolute fashion. There is no negotiation. If it were my relationship, I would cut her off immediately because the fact that your girlfriend should not be dating other men should be self-evident.

What kind of man allows his girlfriend to date other men? You must have a severe insecurity to be allowing this. I fear that you are going to have to learn this the hard way. We'll be here to help lift you back up once the inevitable bomb drops.

 

[ubercat]

IDK guys she seems a cheerful slvt to me and I d use her as such whio looking around. Probably bad advice for Flo as he s caught feels.

 

[Dash Riprock]

If it were me, I would break it down to her as if she's a child and let her know the dinners she's going on are called dates, it is not okay to go on dates with guys she met on dating sites and if she continues to do so, you will walk away from this.

This is the best advice in this thread.

There's lots of bad advice in this thread (one post that's about 210% off course). First, realize there is no 100% definitive right or wrong solution to this.

A number of moving parts here:

Is it fishy? Yes.
Is it disrespectful. Maybe, leaning yes.
Do you own her? No
Can she have friends? Yes
Do people at first go on a date and find out later they're better off platonic? Yes, but not often do they reconnect under the "platonic-only" guise.
Do people meet people again whom they initially met online to gauge interest again for romantic reasons? Usually, yes.

If it were me, in a very confident no BS tone, I would talk with her and open with something like:

"Sally, I've been thinking about your "dates" (and they are, don't let her use her conniving, "Oh, he's just a friend" BS that you'll almost certainly get from her--BIGGEST cop out in the female playbook) with the guys you previously met on dating sites. I'm a bit confused as to why you feel compelled to meet them, again, for what appears to be another date when you and I are dating exclusively. It may be ok with some guys, but it's not ok with me. So feel free to go out on the dates and have a good time, but if that's your choice, I don't think we should be exclusive any longer. I'd still like to see you, but just know, like you, I'll be seeing other people too."

Then just go silent and DO NOT CAVE OR NEGOTIATE. She may cry, call you silly, jealous, etc. Just smile and say you mean what you said. And then DON'T LINGER. Get off the phone or walk out. Don't do this at your place so she can linger. YOU want the option of literally WALKING AWAY.

Nothing could be a more powerful weapon than your WILLINGNESS TO WALK.

Let us know how it goes.

PS- A girl I was dating a number of years ago pulled the same crap with a guy at work she was incessantly talking about and having what I call an emotional affair with. I went over to her place unannounced, said my piece and walked out. His name came up 95% less and her IL went up. That was within our first year of dating. We ended up staying together for 9 years and a lot of it was due to the standards I set early on. I was tested on many occasions and usually used the "Some guys might be ok with it but I'm not" angle. It always worked.