Don’t want a divorce but don’t want ONEitis

[ThinkerG]

Long story short.
I’m 27 in shape good-looking have been married for six years and have two children. I got married when I was 20 young and had my first child at 21 all with the same woman. When me and my wife first met it was instant attraction and chemistry we couldn’t leave each others side. We had children got married and throughout our marriage I was not the best husband. She’s was an amazing wife...loyal, hot, had my back at our lowest finacial point, great mother. I’m a great dad but I was controlling, unfaithful, had a wandering eye and didn’t know what it meant to have a real relationship. I do believe I would be the loyal husband I know I could be. I’m aware that my childhood played a part in my character but that is not an excuse nor can I blame that. it was all me. I took my life for granted. About a year ago I had confessed to my wife that I had slept with someone after I had told my wife I wanted to divorce because I couldn’t get the thought trying strange out of my mind. It was not an emotional think, just a random **** that I regret sincerely. It’s been about a year I’ve been trying to make amends with my wife and get her to work on our family and get our life back in order. I will admit I was very desperate times and when she told me she doesn’t love me anymore about a year ago I took it very hard and completely broke down. I have successfully read the rational male have became “red pilled” or trying at least. I had a very serious talk about a week ago and she has said that she just does not see me the same way anymore and she can’t believe all of the things that I’ve done to her especially being unfaithful...she wants to proceed with a divoce( but never brings it up) . We communicate, text, calls and in person about the kids and see each other all the time but it’s weird, and awkward and she’s very cold. She swears on her life that she is not seeing someone or even close to being interested in dating anyone. I know it’s a tough pill to swallow but I honestly believe her for the most part. I can’t help but want my family back, I’m a very close father to my children and will be in their lives as much as possible. I have so much jealousy and fear of her being with other men and yes I know that is a weakness that I need to overcome. I know this falls into one of the iron rules but I need advice. How should I move on? Should I keep fighting for my family and wife even after the constant rejection? ** I have no fear that I can’t find another woman, that is just the last thing from my mind right now and I don’t believe I need another woman to complete me, I have my own **** to focus on. I feel sick constantly, nervous, uneasy and it won’t go away. Thanks in advance

 

[Glassguy]

Let me play devil's advocate.

If the roles were reversed and she cheated, you'd probably already be gone. It sounds to me as though your wife tried to make this work in her mind but realized that she will never be able to block out what you did. Instead of living in limbo and never trusting you again, she wants out.

I cant blame her. You shouldnt either.

My ex wife cheated. We were married 9 years. Knowing how I am, I had to divorce her and I made it a fast process. I knew that I would never trust her again so why spend more of my life trying. Also, why invest more into a person that is more than capable of doing it again, especially after I let them get away with it.

Kudos for your wife for sticking it out and at least trying to manage your marriage, but she knows that it will never work.

I love women. I am constantly spinning plates and always looking for new women in my rotation. But......

I still believe that marriage is a whole new level and when you step out on your significant other, you cant turn into a coward and not get what's coming to you.

The absolute best thing you can do right now is just tell your wife that you know how she feels, apologize for your actions and tell her that you will agree to move along with the divorce. It is better than the hot/cold treatment that you will get for the rest of your life (and rightfully so).

You also dont want to live your life as a suck up to her or feel as though you are walking around on eggshells every day. When you put just a little poison into the drinking water everyone is going to get sick. You did it, be a man and own up to it and move on with your life.

 

[lamath]

Hey
You are not thinking rationally right now.

imo you married way too young at 27 the best is yet to come.
Num 1 is the kids, make sure they are alright.



Dont try and get her back, thats just gonna look needy af
Try to have a minimum of contact with ex ik its not easy with kids, im in a similar situation right now but i initiated the seperation.

Do your own things man, delete any social media you have her on, minimum contact communicate by text not phone call.

If you think you can date do so.
Go to the gym, go see your friend, do more social things etc...

 

[ThinkerG]

Let me play devil's advocate.

If the roles were reversed and she cheated, you'd probably already be gone. It sounds to me as though your wife tried to make this work in her mind but realized that she will never be able to block out what you did. Instead of living in limbo and never trusting you again, she wants out.

I cant blame her. You shouldnt either.

My ex wife cheated. We were married 9 years. Knowing how I am, I had to divorce her and I made it a fast process. I knew that I would never trust her again so why spend more of my life trying. Also, why invest more into a person that is more than capable of doing it again, especially after I let them get away with it.

Kudos for your wife for sticking it out and at least trying to manage your marriage, but she knows that it will never work.

I love women. I am constantly spinning plates and always looking for new women in my rotation. But......

I still believe that marriage is a whole new level and when you step out on your significant other, you cant turn into a coward and not get what's coming to you.

The absolute best thing you can do right now is just tell your wife that you know how she feels, apologize for your actions and tell her that you will agree to move along with the divorce. It is better than the hot/cold treatment that you will get for the rest of your life (and rightfully so).

You also dont want to live your life as a suck up to her or feel as though you are walking around on eggshells every day. When you put just a little poison into the drinking water everyone is going to get sick. You did it, be a man and own up to it and move on with your life.

I have had many sincere talks with her, asking her for forgiveness because I committed the ultimate “sin” against her. I was suppose to be the one person to not hurt hurt and I did. I was just young and dumb and have made an honest turned around and believe people deserve redemption. If I believed it wasn’t for the best or I would step out again I’d never risk doing that to her or my family again. I’m all honesty I wasn’t thinking clearly during this separation/ cheating. It’s no excuse but it’s true. I appreciate the response, it sounds all too familiar because I’ve rationalized it in my head. She did try at one point and I didn’t understand all that I do now to mend it. You do reap what you sow, I understand this. So the question now is how to I get over someone that I have to see all the time/ I’m attracted too/ want to be with...especially when I don’t feel like spinning any plates at all?

 

[ThinkerG]

Hey
You are not thinking rationally right now.

imo you married way too young at 27 the best is yet to come.
Num 1 is the kids, make sure they are alright.



Dont try and get her back, thats just gonna look needy af
Try to have a minimum of contact with ex ik its not easy with kids, im in a similar situation right now but i initiated the seperation.

Do your own things man, delete any social media you have her on, minimum contact communicate by text not phone call.

If you think you can date do so.
Go to the gym, go see your friend, do more social things etc...

I’m doing this. I take the kids about half the time, fully self sufficient, but the gym, somewhat of a social life, (don’t really want friends or to date at all right now) own a business and trying to focus but my personal life is throwing me off. This could’ve been a afc move but I’m already in the worst position with her and wanted to make a change. She’s the one who wants a divorce but never pushes it, asks about it or anything so I’m the one who has to push it along. Last week I had a “put all the marbles on the table” dinner with her. I basically said that I understand her and that understood That I have hurt her deeply. I also stated that I would like to work on our marriage and not get a divorce. She said she couldn’t do it so I told her ok, I’ll finish all the documents and I’ll give her the divorce. She text me later that night asking if I’m OK and we had a little heart-to-heart through text but the result was the same. (I told her I don’t need pitty, I’ll be fine but I was young and made mistakes. I’m not totally desperate or bagging her, I am firm and diplomatic in my approach) My question now is how do I get over someone I have to see all the time, I’m attracted to, want to be with and have children with?

 

[Ranger]

I have had many sincere talks with her, asking her for forgiveness because I committed the ultimate “sin” against her.

Ultimate sin? Are you sure about that? Women are generally more forgiving of infidelity. Especially if the man feels remorse.
At that point she has you over the barrel. The perfect cuck.

There is much more to this story. So much more, that if you knew...it would shock the hell out of you.

She hasn’t been “in-love” with you for quite a while.

“ Women would rather share a man than be saddled with a loyal beta”
Rollo Tomassi

 

[ThinkerG]

I just find it very interesting that time and time again the good girls go for the players. I think the bad girls go for the nice guys too.

We met when we were just kids, 17ish. I kind of was always a player but I didn’t like it. I wanted something meaningful at a younger age and when me and her man we just hit it off. We had a really great time and were married for six years but I didn’t know how to be in a marriage. I was young and dumb there’s nothing more I can say about that. I regret a lot of things deeply I have also learned a lot that I don’t believe I would have if I didn’t go through this process. I’m not the average player **** boy, there’s a lot more to it than meets the eye but in a nutshell Yeah I wasn’t capable of being the husband she desereved ...until now, now that it’s over

 

[Glassguy]

Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy.

You simply tell her that you understand what you did, how it impacted her and what you want between the 2 of you and what to expect from you going forward.

You tell her that if she isnt willing to grant you another chance (fully) that you will 100% comply with the divorce. You tell her if a divorce is what she wants, the 2 of you should get the process going ASAP.

You need her to either submit (fully) to working things out or commit (fully) to the divorce. You have to eliminate one side so that you can move forward either way and get your life back on track.

Its simple. If she is calling your bluff she will submit. If she is truly wanting a divorce, you oblige and move on. No more second guessing. That is the first step in you getting closure either way and starting to develop a strong frame again.

As far as what you do if she is all in on the divorce? I guess it is natural to not be immediately interested in other women because you are down on yourself. Allow yourself 3 days to feel sorry and then get at it. The gym, hobbies that you enjoy, spend more time with your kids when they are with you, etc.

You cannot control her and her emotions but you d@mn well can control yours.

 

[Ranger]

I just find it very interesting that time and time again the good girls go for the players. I think the bad girls go for the nice guys too.

It’s not that. Understand the dynamics of power. The one who is displaying needing the other the least, is in the power position.

She would be like any other woman if she had been in the power position. Branching if necessary to escape a sap.

There is still the idea of a unicorn in you LA.

 

[SoSuave666]

Too late OP. You already have oneitis. The simple solution is to never initiate contact/only initiate contact regarding children. Bang other girls, and start over. She will respect you more, and more importantly your children will respect you more for being a man. Work on your life: the gym, your business, personal development. You’re 27, your best days are ahead of you.

But I’m sure you don’t want any of that advice right now. you will most likely continue to make afc mistakes until eventually you realize she’s ****ing someone new and she starts withholding your rights to see your children because you’ve become far too beta/stalker. At that point you will have no choice but to do the advice I suggested in the paragraph above.

 

[Spaz]

Ultimate sin? Are you sure about that? Women are generally more forgiving of infidelity. Especially if the man feels remorse.
At that point she has you over the barrel. The perfect cuck.

There is much more to this story. So much more, that if you knew...it would shock the hell out of you.

She hasn’t been “in-love” with you for quite a while.

“ Women would rather share a man than be saddled with a loyal beta”
Rollo Tomassi

I agree.

I've got caught cheating multiple times and despite all the drama I didn't drop frame, in all instances I expected her to leave (as I undoubtedly would) but women seem to operate on a different level when it comes to infidelity.

There's more to this story and it doesn't look good for OP.

OP displaying beta tendencies is certainly compounding things further, ultimately pushing away the wife.

 

[Spaz]

Too late OP. You already have oneitis. The simple solution is to never initiate contact/only initiate contact regarding children. Bang other girls, and start over. She will respect you more, and more importantly your children will respect you more for being a man. Work on your life: the gym, your business, personal development. You’re 27, your best days are ahead of you.

But I’m sure you don’t want any of that advice right now. you will most likely continue to make afc mistakes until eventually you realize she’s ****ing someone new and she starts withholding your rights to see your children because you’ve become far too beta/stalker. At that point you will have no choice but to do the advice I suggested in the paragraph above.

Best solution for OP here.

 

[ThinkerG]

Ultimate sin? Are you sure about that? Women are generally more forgiving of infidelity. Especially if the man feels remorse.
At that point she has you over the barrel. The perfect cuck.

There is much more to this story. So much more, that if you knew...it would shock the hell out of you.

She hasn’t been “in-love” with you for quite a while.

“ Women would rather share a man than be saddled with a loyal beta”
Rollo Tomassi

Ultimate sin? Are you sure about that? Women are generally more forgiving of infidelity. Especially if the man feels remorse.
At that point she has you over the barrel. The perfect cuck.

There is much more to this story. So much more, that if you knew...it would shock the hell out of you.

She hasn’t been “in-love” with you for quite a while.

“ Women would rather share a man than be saddled with a loyal beta”
Rollo Tomassi

Good catch. I am sure because Betrayal in my eyes is the ultimate sin in a relationship. She Did want to make it work and we tried for about for five months and I didn’t have the knowledge or will to mend my marriage the way I should have. It’s disgusting really and at this point obviously I deeply regret it. I thought that she should just get over it when in reality I should’ve helped heal her heart, boy how ****ty was I to not take her feelings into account, I work on forgiving myself everyday. I can’t go back and change the past but I can learn from it. there is a lot more to the story than meets the eye. I am well aware that she hasn’t been in love with me for a couple years now and I can’t blame her. I was always the Alpha, maybe too Alpha in all the wrong ways. I treated her like she was a spun plate instead of my wife and having a real relationship with her. I was like her master, not her trusted partner. I did this all unknowingly but nevertheless this was our way so yes, at some point she realized she shouldn’t be treated like that and I agree with her. I’d change our whole lives for the better if she allowed but she’s wanted a divorce and rejected me for a year now.

 

[Ranger]

You will most likely continue to make afc mistakes until eventually you realize she’s ****ing someone new and she starts withholding your rights to see your children because you’ve become far too beta/stalker. At that point you will have no choice but to do the advice I suggested in the paragraph above.

This is almost inevitable. She has already been fukking someone new.

His insecurities (he mentioned) were displayed early on. He doesn’t know that men have instincts that make them “control”, so to speak, when a woman is in the prowl. (He mentioned this as well) So his “insecurities” most likely were evoked. This in no way lessens his infadelity, if people want to look at it that way.

She is slamming him while he’s down. She will keep him down until she’s sure there are no comebacks.
He really is certain he was the complete cause of it all.

 

[Ranger]

I think you have lack of experience if you think all women are the same. Being in a 30yr marriage then thrown into the Game around 60yo vs being a millennial in the Game are different animals.

That was really intellectually limited. Certain things are biology and some things are individual.
Experience? You have no idea. Lol

 

[Spaz]

I think you have lack of experience if you think all women are the same. Being in a 30yr marriage then thrown into the Game around 60yo vs being a millennial in the Game are different animals.

Only experienced you ever showed was a Long Distance Relationship and that you got dumped.

If that's millennial "game" I'm laughing all the way to the bank.

This probably is why I'm fvcking so many millennial babes LOLLL.

 

[Ranger]

Only experienced you ever showed was a Long Distance Relationship and that you got dumped.

If that's millennial "game" I'm laughing all the way to the bank.

This probably is why I'm fvcking so many millennial babes LOLLL.

He has no idea. Civilians kill me. Lol

 

[Spaz]

Still butthurt and following me around? I can teach you English.

I could do better, I could teach you 4 more extra languages.

Or how about you show us some decent prove of your millennial game that you produced this week ?

Don't worry I'll show mine in exchange. We can compare notes

 

[Ranger]

Certain things are biology but women act differently depending on how socially integrated they are. if you dated more than two people in a lifetime it should be easy to see that.

Lol. Two? I had over 50 by 25. Marriage was a weigh station to learn some things. Not always fun for sure. But critical for my path. I’ve turned it all into good things.

My FWB is 25 years younger than me. Just because you still aren’t getting it, doesn’t mean that there arent some of us styling like champs.

What I said to you was completely valid yet you spun it to fit your paradoxical mental state. That is choice. You could have stopped, thought about it, and then maybe absorbed it. Apparently not.
It wasn’t all that advanced as an idea.

 

[Spaz]

He has no idea. Civilians kill me. Lol

And the only defence they got is by attacking my level of written english, people must be thinking that it's my primary language whilst in reality it's not even my secondary language.