Doing my best to become confident, need advice at very basic level

[getBackUp]

Hi,

I have had some serious confidence issues because of my upbringing. In the last couple of years I have become independent and I have also had some success in my job and in a hobby that I am putting above everything else. I also started dressing more maturely, changed to a more disciplined lifestyle, etc. I feel that over the last couple of years, but particularly in the last 6 months or so, my life has become much stronger and. The problem is that these are rather recent developments given my age (26).

My success in life has not yet brought success with women. I am still timid and fearful with women. I decided that it is now time to man up and approach. I started reading the bootcamp, and tried out looking women in the eye (on the street), and smiling, and this is how far I have come so far.

I have thought about how I can meet more women. Basically, I have a circle of friends but we don't really participate in nightlife. I have a couple of bars next to where I live, but I do not yet feel confident to march in alone and start approaching. I am considering to ask a friend to basically try be my wing, but the problem is that I do not know how he will react. I think I could find someone among my friends who would help me out as a wing.

Alternatively, I discovered a local pickup community and they seem quite social. So as the alternative, I am considering to write to them and meet up. I cannot predict how such a group would treat me, after all I am everything but a pickup artist, instead I am a man struggling with basic self-confidence.

Finally, as a third alternative, I considered following through with the bootcamp lesson by lesson. To me, the lessons about approaching and initiating a conversation seem frighteningly hard, but if it has to be it has to be.

It would help me a lot if someone could give me some constructive advice. My issue cannot be resolved with a simple "Man up and approach!", I would really like to hear your advice and what you would do in my place.

 

[BeDJ]

I was in your situation not too long ago. It felt like you are trapped in a glass cube. You see everything around you, but for some reason you can't seem to break the glass to be free. The comfort of knowing the cube protects you is enough to make you content.

Being social with people you don't know is the most uncomfortable situation to be in. However, it will be the most rewarding. That glass cube comforts you, but at the same time, it takes every opportunity away from you. Notice everybody around you and what they are doing in a social environment. Notice what they do when their friend leaves to the bathroom or at the checkout. They are just waiting, just like you. Wouldn't it be nice to have someone to talk to for a bit while you wait? However, you remember that rejection sucks.

If I gave you the magical cure to no fear rejection and rid the approach anxiety, I wouldn't be here. I'd be all over TV and hanging out with Hugh Hefner. We all have to start somewhere, even if it's a miniscule amount. You can't be a social butterfly without emerging from the cocoon.

Start basic:

1) Have small talk with random people you see in your everyday life. Grocery store, coffee shop, 7-eleven, anywhere. A genuine smile goes a long way.

2) Meetup.com These are the people that are going out of your way to meet you.

3) Go to your local bar. Get to know the bartender, bouncers and regulars. Be that guy people want to meet.

As far as conversation, ask them about themselves. Start asking them questions and get used to caring about what they have to say. It's the quickest way to build rapport and get buddy-buddy with someone. If they seem pretty cool and you guys click, offer them a drink or lunch sometime. $5 can go a long way.

 

[skinnyguy]

Well right now you're pedestalizing and you need to dump that first before you try to date women.

Once I realized that my life is pretty awesome without women, I became more confident. Realize that there are certainly downsides to dealing with women - their annoying habits, their complaining, etc. Having chicks to have sex with is highly overrated.

A lot of times getting a gf just happens "in the moment". If you discipline yourself to stop thinking about women, you'll be more at peace and will end up meeting more women in fact. When you're not looking for women, you tend to do the things you want to do instead of the things that you think will lead you to hooking up.

I used to have a miserable weekend life. I would go to a club at 10 pm, drink by myself, try to talk to some chicks, get rejected, and go home.

I would suggest first getting some really cool guy friends. Having cool guy friends will put you in better social situations (so that you're not that "random" guy) and will get you more invitations to parties. A great technique I've found, is when you're out, talk to single guys. If you make friends with them you'll end up having a better social life and less prone to lusting after women.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I am a man struggling with basic self-confidence.

Being able to understand that takes brains and being able to admit it takes guts.

Go do something that makes you more confident, and women will seem easier. Try martial arts, if you have access good training.

 

[sph21]

I was like you. But then I decided to change my awkwardness towards people. I decided to meet as many people as possible and try to talk to them (especially women). It doesn't matter whether they're older/ younger than you. It will boost your confidence level.

 

[BraddH]

The very root of confidence comes from knowing that you are just perfect as you are. Because how can you not be?

Now if a chick will come along with your life or no, it doesnt matter. In fact it is about a thousand and one reasons whether she comes or no. And in this life, you cant never have everything, so why not be perfect just as you are?

 

[Darth]

Strengthen your values. Dig deep and find out who you are. Develop morals.

This is the best way to gain confidence.

 

[getBackUp]

Hi,

I really want to thank you for the answers. There is a lot of useful advice in them. The post that speaks to me the most is skinnyguy's. Probably the single most useful thing I can do is to stop thinking about how to get confident to someday be attractive to women, but to cancel them out of this equation. I must wash out of my system to think, dream and scheme how to be more attractive for women, and this independence will make me a better person and more confident and attractive (paradoxically). Than you for this piece of advice.

As for being social, I agree with what has been said. Just get out there and talk to people. I have been experimenting with that and I will continue and itry to slowly increase my exposure. I will do that by intensifying my hobbies (sports in particular). It is always difficult to change ones routine and establish a new habit but I will work on it.

 

[Cremasta]

The best thing you can do to get your confidence up is to simply be good at stuff.

You mention your job and your hobbies. This is a great start. Take a step back from the women and work on those instead.

When you've climbed the pecking order it does wonders for your confidence. You might be the best tennis player at your club, or the 'go-to' guy at your job whenever people have problems. Doesn't matter, being good at something and confidence go hand in hand.

Good luck!

 

[Dgwizdal]

Edited Below...

 

[Dgwizdal]

1. First thing you need to do is drop the notion that you are trying to become more confident to get good with women - this will eventually happen and be a byproduct of the transformation for YOURSELF.

2. Go to the gym - a nice a** one - Not sure where you live but the gyms in Chicago have huge locker rooms with lazy boys and flat screens. Get bigger and then hang out with the bros after words and talk about dude stuff. Shoot the sh*t. Comradery with bros on the same mission as you (self improvement) will help you realize that there are a network of people behind you and you do not need women to validate your manliness. Maybe you'll meet some cool guys to go out with.

3. Work your a** off. Be proud of your accomplishments. Anything else is irrelevant.

3. Youtube - Julienfreetour AND RSDJulien. His videos are money and are all from the bootcamps and meetups he throws around the world. They're funny as hell and free. Everything you need to learn about grabbing life by the balls and becoming the f*cking man is there. Although the lessons are directed towards pickup; the principles can be applied to all aspects of your life AND getting what you want out of it. I would also suggest exploring the pickup camps around your area. They will definitely be open to having you join. Brotherhood is what this whole thing is about contrary to what most may think.

4. Go against the grain. Start speaking your mind and having an opinion. Be different and enjoy confrontation/debates and some of the hate you may receive - do not budge. Be loud and obnoxious with no remorse. KEEP IT 100%. Not only with this teach you a bit about some of the ingredients you need in order to create attraction with women, but it will help you establish a backbone and RESPECT FOR YOURSELF - The root of confidence.


5. Read the Bible, watch the videos, and FLIRT AND FLIRT SOMEMORE. ANY WOMEN YOU SEE. Easiest way - tease them. Make fun of them about anything. When they respond, one up them with good eye contact and a sh*t eating smirk. They love it. Create the situation to tease if you have nothing to go by. Purposely take a long time to swipe your card inside the gas station. Then blame them for looking at you crazy and that you're going to report them to the manager for treating you poorly. Smile, wink, eject.

FROM THERE, start conversations, be a great listener, have an opinion, and continue to be playful and reward with compliments sparingly when genuinely deserved. RELATE - frame things as "YOU AND I" to make feelings of intimacy. Kino and laughter Always maintain the mindset that SHE wants YOU. Take her on an emotional rollercoaster. There is nothing greater in bar pickup than when a woman says "I hate you" with glossed over eyes and then proceeds to shove her tongue down your throat. Hot/cold, push/pull, neg/reward, and BANTER. Look em up. Forget forecefully telling stories to DHV - you will already have that busting her balls.

Do this with EVERYONE. Bust balls, have a great time everywhere, and OWN THE INTERACTION. Frame everyone as being in YOUR WORLD. And when people enjoy themselves while they're in YOUR WORLD - they come back for more. Eventually, my friend, you are suddenly the sun and everyone else are planets orbiting around YOU.

6. Slowly but surely you will start to feel more relevant, confident, and IN CONTROL. Once you are in control of yourself, your emotions, your goals, your ambitions, your life, YOUR HAPPINES, you are free to do as you like and women can take it or leave it. And you won't give a f*ck if they do leave because you need no woman to make you happy and will have more around than you know what to do with. Women want to be lead by a MAN not followed around by a boy. After a few failed relationships you will figure out and internalize the correct balance of attraction and rapport to sustain a LTR. Spin plates dizzy until you find one that fits in your world perfectly and award accordingly. OR DONT :crackup:

 

[GS750]

All great advice. Dgwizdal makes excellent points. Working out and exercising regularly will make your confidence skyrocket. Also, cut out porn completely if you haven't already. Guys who have done so have reported a confidence boost when dealing with the ladies.

 

[getBackUp]

Thank you for more good advice.

Does it matter a lot which kind of exercise you do? I don't like gym so much but I like indoor climbing, which obviously does not give the same bulk in the long run. It is a more social sport though, and in the long run I want to climb outdoors. But I am a beginner and if gym is by far the better way to feel confident and in control, I can still work on changing my mind.

 

[GS750]

I think overall cardio mixed with some weight lifting should do it...unless you're horribly out of shape. The point is that exercise will make you look and feel better about yourself which will in turn boost self esteem. The benefits of regular exercise are immeasurable. Oh and the p0rn thing...cut that sh*t out altogether if you're using it. Cold turkey.

www.solvemygirlproblems.com/2011/06/working-out/

 

[HyperAnalyze]

Thank you for more good advice.

Does it matter a lot which kind of exercise you do? I don't like gym so much but I like indoor climbing, which obviously does not give the same bulk in the long run. It is a more social sport though, and in the long run I want to climb outdoors. But I am a beginner and if gym is by far the better way to feel confident and in control, I can still work on changing my mind.

Athlete here.

Try your best to learn the compound movements such as the deadlift, squat, clean, jerk, press, bench, row, etc.

They will build overall mass and size to your frame along with muscle size. Inbox me if you are not sure.

 

[NewJack]

What level is the most basic?

When I knew I was broken on the inside, I tried to understand myself. I worked to understand myself. When, after a long time, I could see how I was broken on the inside, then I began to have an inkling of how to fix it.

All this while, things were changing outside of myself. Some aspects of life got better, and then worse. Then different aspects got better, and then worse. But the wounds inside persisted in spite of all changes of circumstance.

So I sat alone in my basement and asked myself, and whoever else would be listening to me: why am I this way? why is life this hard? why do I struggle this much? what am I not seeing? what am I not getting? how can I be better? how can I give others what I know they deserve?

And in this process, I found an answer.

Maybe something like that would work for you? I don't know. Good luck.

 

[thatfeel]

What level is the most basic?

When I knew I was broken on the inside, I tried to understand myself. I worked to understand myself. When, after a long time, I could see how I was broken on the inside, then I began to have an inkling of how to fix it.

All this while, things were changing outside of myself. Some aspects of life got better, and then worse. Then different aspects got better, and then worse. But the wounds inside persisted in spite of all changes of circumstance.

So I sat alone in my basement and asked myself, and whoever else would be listening to me: why am I this way? why is life this hard? why do I struggle this much? what am I not seeing? what am I not getting? how can I be better? how can I give others what I know they deserve?

And in this process, I found an answer.

Maybe something like that would work for you? I don't know. Good luck.

What answer did you find? Just curious for insight purposes.

 

[getBackUp]

OK so I had an interesting night out which started promisingly and ended disappointingly. Given my very low expectations and my (previous?) struggle with very basic confidence, I made some good progress (by my standards) but then I chickened out.

Here is what happened: I had dinner at an event where there were random people left and right of me, they were two really pretty girls, perhaps 5 years younger than me (undergrads) but definitely pretty. In a word, I completely nailed the situation and it gives me a glimpse, a little little promise that I can get out of my dark hole. Normally I would shut up and be miserable at these kind of events but I chatted up one, then the other, and I liked the other because we had some stuff in common and we had an awesome conversation. Other girls started chatting me up during the conversation. Essentially this proves that I can do it. Sure it was luck, maybe a freak accident, but the things said in this forum are true. I did demonstrate social value, and they were getting interested. Plus, they were really really pretty girls, honestly. When I was telling one girl about my passion (a very geeky hobby actually), she got really excited and at the end when I wanted to leave asked me a follow up question about that! Can you imagine I was telling a girl (who is not at all into computers) about a coding project and my ambitions with it, and that she would care??? I was feeling a little bit weird being so much older than them, though. I did not ask for a number (though I clearly clearly could have) which maybe was a chicken move, but then again I don't want to date a girl so much younger than me. Anyway, it made me proud.

Then I went to another party of my friend's where I chatted up another girl super successfully. Again (dammit!) she was the same age group (19-20 mabye) considerably younger than me (26). She was also very beautiful and it was a very pleasant chat.

What I learned from this is that I had no problem being at ease, in good posture (feet grounded, straight back), using my hands to communicate / express myself, smiling, and keeping eye contact, slow breathing. That was almost too easy. I did not initiate kino though, and honestly I felt WEIRD being so much older. Plus, I was actually able to keep that frame for a while that none of this actually matters, and I tried to talk a as well as I could about stuff that evokes emotions and asking the girls opinions and about themselves. I have huge room to grow here, finding the right topics. Plus, one girl ate out of my hands after I told her about my geeky hobby and the dreams I am pursuing with them.

My conclusion is that none of this is rocket science, just practice.

I made a few mistakes. I opened a set from a weird angle and the conversation started unpleasantly and did not hold. Anyway, then I made huge a mistake of drinking a bit too much. I was getting tired (additionally, I barely slept the last night for practical reasons in my house). I no longer could keep this easy and cool frame in which none of this really matters. I left early (with plans to continue the night with friends) and did not man up to chat to one hot girl which (to make it worse) gave me an awesome smile just when I was about to leave. That was just terrible. The rest of the night I could not retrieve my lost marbles. Stupid and cowardly!

Plans to meet up with friends did not work out and I finally decided to go to some bars and pubs which I otherwise only jealously see from the outside. I did not have the balls to approach but just went into one venue, moving in a normal and slow pace, and just walking through the whole place to see it the whole extent of it. There was one girl at a table, alone, and I failed to approach (idiot). I repeated the procedure with another venue, with the idea to check these places out and get accustomed, but it was disappointing that I did not approach.

On my way home on the street I opened a set asking them (honestly) about the best nightlife places in my city, and they gave me some hints. I did not really game them. When I opened them, I clearly felt the momentary tension when they were wondering whether I am a weirdo or a guy asking about nightclubs, deciding for the latter. One guy talked, the other was silent.

In summary, for me this was tiny progress and it reaffirms that I am at least not completely unsuitable for the game. This doubt has always persisted and I still have it, but slightly less. I am able to chat to girls in good posture, I do dress comparatively well, and when talking to young girls (e.g. undergrad students) I am clearly more sophisticated than guys of their age, and I do some interesting stuff. It will be my project over the next months and years to be able to express that really well, make her understand who I am in a smoother yet honest way, and show the woman that I do honestly have a lot to give. This can only work if I grow some Cojones and approach more. Please, please let them grow.

As a total beginner, I went out without wing. I am really intrigued and curious whether I have that power to actually learn to game alone. I think I might. Given the beginning of the night, I feel like I might have it in me. God the rewards will be so so very sweet. There is a lot of work ahead and I really really hope I have it in me. This was my first very tentative field report (if it deserves the name).