Doing a Squirrels

[Die Hard]

I don't care anymore... I just can't be strong anymore. Fvck, what kind of a mess have I gotten myself into?

Three fvcking months since I nexted her BPD ass. And still I can't really leave it behind me. My whole emotional system has been turned upside down. It's like if your mind and emotions and your whole psychological system were a jigsaw puzzle, then now mine has been totally shuffled into a chaos.

How long it has been since I have felt this way...MANY YEARS!! How far I have come since then! Three years on SoSuave now, I believe...and a totally different man from who I was before then, 180 degrees. Since I found this place, I have had a few troublesome situations with women, but was always able to overcome them with a little effort. Ran into a few BPD's too these last years but was always able to stay distant enough, nexted them before they could do damage or I simply realized that they were worthless so I didn't spend much energy on them anyway.

And still, after all this time, all this wisdom, all this self improvement...I manage to become THIS fvcked up over some goddamn WH0RE!!!

After all the sh!t and hard times I've had to deal with in my godforsaken life, after all the troubles I have conquered, I still manage to be this sad, helpless clown who feels paralyzed and helpless because of some stupid cvntwh0re.

And honestly, I don't even WANT her back! Even then, when we were together, I often asked myself what I was doing with this girl. I couldn't connect with her AT ALL. You know how when you have a conversation with some small kid, you just fake your interest in his stories? You just feign your interest in whatever he says, to be nice to him..but in reality, you don't care about what he says. That's how I felt when I was talking to her, too...

She was dumb and childish, I honestly didn't respect anything about her, her life, her habits or her personality...and often asked myself what I was doing there, when we were watching a movie on the couch or doing other stuff together.
But the physical part is what I couldn't go without... Not just the sex but also the kissing, or just sitting on the couch and put an arm around her etc. That's what I needed from her. And if I had spent the night and stayed some while more the next day, I would often get enough of that as well and ask myself: "Is this it? Is this what it's all about?"

I have two or three very short videos that I recorded on my phone on some occasions when we were together. Nothing special, I was just lying on the bed playing with my phone and she was talking to me and I just recorded us for a minute, out of boredom... then I'd show it to her and we'd laugh about it etc.

Anyway, I haven't watched those little vids since the break. I wouldn't allow myself, coz it would bring the memories closer and perhaps make me weak. But I finally watched them today and it was very weird. I had expected that it would make me long back for those moments and of course it did do that on some level. But I also experienced aversion, feeling like those days and moments made no sense and I was just kidding myself athe time, pretending that she and I (or her and me, I'm never sure how this works in the English language) were a "couple" and had something going on between the two of us.....while in reality, I didn't connect with her at all and our "togetherness" really felt quite EMPTY.

There really wasn't anything substantial between her and me, you know? And I realized that from the beginning...
Now, in the past, when I was still a stupid, ignorant beta chump, I always had the ilusion that me and a girl really "connected", that we had something really special, precious and unique going on. And then after the break, I would long back for her and have the feeling that I had to go without my soulmate, that we were meant to be together and that I would never find that "specialness" again.
Well, not this time, haha! When I watched the vids, I felt like "What was I doing there with that girl, anyway?", like I was lowering myself and shouldn't have been there in the first place. Even though some part of me doesn't want to be conscious of this fact, I do realize it. I should not have been with her, I was kidding myself and trying to force myself into a "happy relationship" illusion. I WANTED it to be that, and I somehow even changed myself into someone I was not, just to "fit" into the picture of being in a happy relationship.

To be honest, I've never been in a real relationship. Whatever that is... It was always me being a beta chump, getting dominated and constantly disrespected by some evil bytch, totally NOT having a happy relationship (most of them were "affairs" anyway, not real relationships.) And if this was not the scenario, then it would be me hanging out with some chick that I really didn't enjoy that much, coz I couldn't really open up to the experiences and enjoy them and be truly happy with the girl, coz she would not be goodlooking enough or just not be my type.

So THIS TIME, I had scored a very hot babe, perhaps the hottest I've ever been with. And she wanted to do stuff with me and be around me all the time and be romantic with me all the time, and be a real "couple". I was flattered, coz she was so attractive both in her looks as her behavior (typical BPD magic, putting a spell on you that makes you be mesmerized with her) and so I applied all that I have learned since finding SoSuave, to make it work and put a spell right back on her in return, mesmerizing her in return. And it worked, lol.

Eventually, things had to blow up anyway, but that's not my point. My point is, it was all just a goddamn illusion. I was playing her, putting game on her, just touching all the right buttons to make her behave the way I wanted, to make her go crazy over me and act like all of us want our girls to act. And I played her well! But at the same time, I was playing myself...I was trying to NOT SEE the fact that there was nothing substantial between her and me. I just WANTED it all to be special and was kinda molding her and me into something that was supposed to be a happy relationship. I think she really did experience it all like that, she's too simple minded to think it could have been otherwise, lol.

But me, I never really did become convinced by my own illusion... Sometimes I did, sometimes I felt such deep and profound emotions when we were together...but overall, I always knew that this was all just some self-made fairytale.

So really, I don't even know why I "miss" her or long back for her. Or yes, I do...it's the sweet moments that do it for me. Being sweet and romantic together, watching the sunset on a beach, standing behind her with my arms wrapped tightly around her, whispering sweet little things in each other's ears, caressing each other and looking each other deep in the eyes, melting together...

Dangerous stuff, especially when it's with a BPD-mindsucking-vampire!! But yeah, that's what's really linking me to her, those things. I wish I could just go to her right now and be like that together for a moment, just to get my fix...then leave again, coz it's really the only thing that she has to offer me (obviously there is also the GREAT sex, but to be honest I am not so dependant of sex and don't really need it THAT much).

Meh, I don't even know what I'm trying to say with this post. I'm just thinking out loud and I guess I don't HAVE a point. The only point I have, is that 'm fvcking lost and confused. I don't know what to feel and I don't know what I want...from her...or other girls...or from LIFE ITSELF to be honest!

Nothing makes sense to me anymore...


And what the fvck is up with this, I ask you? I have been having sleeping problems all my life, it always takes me at least an hour lying in bed before I get to sleep and I often can't fall asleep before 3 o'clock in the night, not even if I stay awake for a day, lol. But from the first week I met her, I suddenly had a perfectly healthy sleeping rhythm. I could go to bed early in the evening and fall asleep very quickly, having the best nightrest possible.
Childhood trauma has left an everlasting unnerving feeling inside of me. I feel that's the reason why I have never been able to sleep peacefully, I always feel like falling asleep is similar to letting down your guard and being vulnerable, that's why I have trouble with it... But she, it is as if she made everything alright, things were okay and safe and I felt peace, so I could just sleep peacefully every night. And I don't mean sleeping WITH her, I mean sleeping in general, alone at my own home.


I'm gonna read back this post in a while, when I finally become my old self again, and laugh about it. These last few years, I've been laughing so much at the "old me", couldn't believe I was once able to get so messed up. But here I am, just as messed up as in the old days... What a joke...

 

[sodbuster]

Back in my darkest days [involving Dental School... when your passing a class involves a PATIENT that may or may not show up][you had to do so much of each procedure], I would say"fuc& it...it just doesn't matter" and keep putting one foot in front of the other. All you can do.

 

[Gro0ver]

Physical attraction can be very strong, not just the type where you find them extremely hawt but the type where you also have physical chemistry and some s**t happens on a chemical level that makes you just wanna impregnate her :crazy: danger! Don't beat yourself up about living the illusion for a bit, life is like that and sometimes you have to explore a path, even if you know it will probably reach a dead end, we humans are adventurous creatures and it wouldn't be very fun if we just lived by logic the entire time.

On emotional recovery, my advice would be to get back to foundations of your life and work and focus on the simple things. Career, friends, hobbies, family. Start to appreciate these things more and become absorbed in them.

Concentrate on "giving" yourself to whatever you're doing in that part of your day. To lose yourself in a task, or social interaction or whatever, is a positive thing all round and it keeps us sane.

To get to bed earlier, turn the internet/TV off 1 hour before you want to sleep and read a book. At least if you stay awake for hours then you can do it enjoying a good read

Find joy in the simple things brother all the best.

 

[SecondHalf]

A good thread DH.

obviously there is also the GREAT sex, but to be honest I am not so dependent of sex and don't really need it THAT much

Good that you don't "need" it, but I'm certain you enjoy it. In the past, there have been a couple women in my life that would allow me, encourage me actually to pound that thing with everything I could muster and appear to love it. It was completely intoxicating as it gives you the feeling of complete intimacy, complete control (not holding back) and her loving you for it. For me, this was very powerful.

But from the first week I met her, I suddenly had a perfectly healthy sleeping rhythm

I thought about this for some time. It sounds like you at some subconscious level accepted that you were not alone and relinquished control. This took the edge off you allowing you to be at peace at some level you needed.
Or maybe it was an all consuming "happy place" where your typical burdens faded to the distant background allowing you to ignore them.

Disclaimer, don't know you, just throwing that out there as food for thought.

Ultimately, it's not so puzzling really.
I miss getting high. I will always miss getting high even though I know it was bad for me and my goals.
I miss a couple women who have been bettered by others that I don't even think about anymore. I'll always miss them.
Addiction and or escape ...


SH

 

[Die Hard]

Physical attraction can be very strong, not just the type where you find them extremely hawt but the type where you also have physical chemistry and some s**t happens on a chemical level that makes you just wanna impregnate her :crazy: danger!

Made me lol


Thanks for the replies, guys.

I may be harder on myself than neccesary... Thing is, I lost my job at around the same time we broke up and also had to move to another place. As if recovering from a BPD waif (seems important to me to mention this, she wasn't the typical raging BPD but a waif/silent BPD) isn't tough enough, my life was turned upside down in other major ways at the same time.

When all the major aspects in your life are going bad, you have little foundation and strength to recover from a breakup... Having no job messes with your self esteem, and self sesteem happens to be a big issue when you're recovering from a BPD chick.
I'm mad at myself for being such a chump in the aftermath of the breakup...but I guess I would've been handling it MUCH better if the rest of my life was going swell. I mean, many guys have dealt with the aftermath of a BPD and this event alone can turn your life and your mind into a big mess. So when ON TOP OF THAT, the rest of your life, your job, your finances, your house etc. are all fvcked up...is it really that "weak" for a man to lose himself? I guess not and I guess I'm even handling it better than most other people would.

And really, the outcry in my OP wasn't just about the situation with the girl and how it has affected me...on a deeper level, it was also about how my life is sort of a mess at the moment and how I feel I have no direction in life and have been descending into an abyss these last few months...

But that's gonna change. I've been feeling sorry for myself all the time...felt paralyzed, unable to fight back at the things life has thrown upon me. I've been stuck in reverse all this time...
I've been acting out for a while, displaying risky behavior and all, just not giving a fvck...
Yesterday was sort of a breaking point, I'm starting to take charge of my life again. It isn't easy and probably won't be easy for a while, but I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other, like sodbuster said.
What I said about my psychological system being a jigsaw puzzle that's been shuffled up into a chaos, also counts for my life itself. But I'm slowly gonna pick up the pieces and connect them to each other again, one at a time...

I'm a mess, I must become whole again... And I will.

 

[PeakIV]

Die Hard - you are a legend......

That post has me written all over it.... been there done that.

I think I have broken the addiction, 1 year out. (not) still think about the crazy a** Byatch.
Know she is no good for me, but still want that hit every now again.

Make no mistake it is an addiction and just like the smokes and booze, you
just have to stay away... ss opened my eyes and I just concentrated on work and earned a fortune last year, still that little something saying "if only" or "what about if I try again" "maybe this time it will be different" LOL

sometimes you just have to carry on having to accept that that one little piece is missing.......kudos to you for sharing that insight.

 

[backbreaker]

when you are in Aa you will run into 1-2 people in just about every group who take the whole AA thing overboard. 2-3 meetings a day everyday forever, ti's all they do and they are consumed by it. I mean the first 6 months to a year it's important to hit up as many as you can to get a foundation under you but after that you have to start to incorporate AA into your everyday lifer.


just about everyone who i know in AA who takes that approach are either white kuckling, are miserable or have went back out. It's like you can't help but think about it if that's all you talk about everyday even in a positive manner.

you're thinking about this way too much. you need to find the balance. there are all times when we all have went off on the deep end myself included so you don't have to tell me i know my **** stinks lol.

hang in there bro you just seemed to be mentally burned out about all this

 

[speed dawg]

I don't exactly know the answer, but I can say this. Sex is almost the goal of mankind to an extent. When you go to the bar, I mean, the ultimate goal is to get laid. And the hotter the woman the better. When you go out to eat with a chick or whatever, it's all build-up to that night when you're pounding on the pvssy. So, the hotter she is, the better it is (in most cases).

You just want the pvssy, and that's the hardest part to get over.

 

[PeakIV]

You just want the pvssy, and that's the hardest part to get over.

NAIL ON HEAD

 

[Zarky]

Strange, never felt that way about a chick myself.

 

[Gro0ver]

Strange, never felt that way about a chick myself.

I am seeing a chick at the moment who i have a very powerful, animal-like physical attraction to (she has the same for me), it doesn't go much beyond that but its so powerful that it makes me delusional sometimes that something more could work out. Luckily logic tends to come to the rescue at the right time.

I never experienced a base level attraction like this before, I think it's possible to go through life without ever experiencing it. Mesmerizing and dangerous, it's like your favourite drug except there's no comedown, just unmitigated lust and the foolish hope that there's something more to be had.

 

[Zarky]

Possibly, but I also think that there are certain guys who have the type of personality that's more susceptible to that sort of thing. Almost an addictive personality.

I know a guy who falls for all the BPD chicks and gets screwed over every time, but he's also a smoker, an alcoholic, and a chronic gambler.

Whereas I couldn't get addicted to something if I tried. I get bored with anything that lasts more than a short time. I've never had a big attraction to a woman that lasted more than a couple of nights. And if the girl asks too much or starts to play with my emotions, that attraction vanishes instantaneously.

 

[Jitterbug]

After my HPD ex and a bad case of one-itis with a different girl, I decided that I should learn to control my emotions better. My solution was (and is) lifting heavy weights and eating healthy. I followed the primal blue print from Mark's Daily Apple and have never looked back. It sounds very indirect, but when you lead a healthy life and stay strong and fit physically, your mind will follow. You'll learn how to channel and control your emotions (I always find serenity under a heavy barbell) and develop a calm quiet confidence when dealing with people.

 

[\O/]

But that's gonna change. I've been feeling sorry for myself all the time...felt paralyzed, unable to fight back at the things life has thrown upon me. I've been stuck in reverse all this time...
I've been acting out for a while, displaying risky behavior and all, just not giving a fvck...
Yesterday was sort of a breaking point, I'm starting to take charge of my life again. It isn't easy and probably won't be easy for a while, but I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other, like sodbuster said.
What I said about my psychological system being a jigsaw puzzle that's been shuffled up into a chaos, also counts for my life itself. But I'm slowly gonna pick up the pieces and connect them to each other again, one at a time...

I'm a mess, I must become whole again... And I will.

I know how you feel, bro. Remember, if you're going through hell, keep going. Whenever I get emotional about **** or feeling low about my life, I tell myself to man the **** up. It instantly shifts my mindset to a more cynical and positive state. Makes me feel stronger.

It's ok to allow yourself to wallow in self-pity for a (short) while, but it's important to snap out of it and switch to a more positive outlook on life.

Seems like you are getting your head back in the right place.

 

[Die Hard]

Thanks again for all the replies, guys. It's really nice to have this place and get some support in times of need.

I kiss closed an HB8 today

Been trying to achieve this for MONTHS now but it just wouldn't happen. All this time, I felt I needed to score another hot chick in order to really leave my ex behind and feel good about myself again.
Obviously, that put a lot of pressure on achieving this goal. And the more effort I put into it, the more frustrated I would become as my efforts wouldn't pay off. And that fustration only made me put MORE pressure on achieving the goal and so on and so on...

So I took a little time off (just a little over a week) and put the goal aside for a moment. That allowed me to have a little "breakdown" (resulting in this thread), after which I regathereed myself somwehat and found new energy. Kiss closing the HB8 today was a great reward and it feels like a big weight off my shoulders

 

[Delly2000]

Man. I know how it feels. You gave me some real good advice before about this chick I was dating. She was the hottest girl I ever dated. I really enjoyed myself with her. I still think about her till this day. But I realize she is long gone. We had our time and that was it for us. If she really wanted to be with me she would have made it happen. When women want something they go for it all out...forget what Hollywood tells u. If she was the right woman I would have been comfortable (depsite the euphoric feelings of being with a beautiful woman and pleasing her i wasn't).

I got a new girl..who admittedly isn't as hot but she got all the traits thats good for me.

-she good looking
-has a good job
-highly educated (PHD)

now for the important taits

-she is loyal
-she is giving
-she is supportive

She has somethings that I dont like but I will probably complain about them in another posts.

My point is that if you can get her you can get another. Maybe even hotter. If not hotter...at least better for you. Learn from this experience and understand what you did wrong...what you did right...or if she was a bad choice (which she sounds like she was). You dont want a bad woman. She just going to drag you down and destroy you.

 

[Die Hard]

Well, thanks for returning the favor and giving me some good advice this time

I'll be alright, man. One step back, two steps forward!