Does the truth cure Oneitis?

[bigneil]

Someone on this forum (sorry if I don't recall who) recently recommended to treat your ex like a friend and to ask their advice about other women. They said to ask if she'd been on any hot dates lately and to tell her you know she'll make a really good friend.

I took the advice and told my ex today that I had 7 women texting me (which is true) and that I wanted her recommendation on which one I should choose. I told her their names and ages and asked which one her intuition suggested was the best match.

She replied quickly with 2 long messages, sounding jealous or at least very intrigued. More importantly, she admitted she's had a new boyfriend for a few months now (since I last saw her - it was a LDR). She never admitted this until I fired her up.

Note that she still seemed to be extremely depressed and unsatisfied with the new guy.

The funny part was, finding out for certain that she was officially with someone else actually helped me tremendously. I see three reasons for it:

1) I'd rather think she's had one guy versus lots of one-night stands (I know she's not abstinent).
2) Knowing for certain that she was taken erased whatever false hope I was clinging to.
3) She doesn't seem any more satisfied with him than she was with me anyhow. Let him suffer through trying to please her (she has BPD).

I wasn't sure if anyone else had experienced this milestone in getting over their oneitis ex by simply learning and accepting the truth, but this seems to have really helped.

Thanks to whoever posted that advice.

 

[Scars]

First off, why is your ex your "friend"?

Why does she need to know who you are fvcking/trying to fvck? The less people that know, the better.

How the hell is telling her any of that going to free you from oneitis? I bet deep down you still "love" her. What "truth" are you talking about? She doesn't need to know everything that happens in your life. What does she have to offer you as a friend anyway? The "truth" is, you should stop talking to your ex now. You are still so wrapped around her finger that now you are admitting to her what her competition is. The competition of keeping you around on a leash for validation. I bet you still give her compliments and try to rationalize to yourself that you such "great friends", and know so much about each other, and have been through "so much together". Gag.

Seriously bro, what are you doing?

To her you are probably coming off needy and she sees it as a lame tactic to provoke jealousy. Whether it worked or not, she is completely aware of it.

I don't know who told you that advice but it is WRONG. Either that or you completely misinterpreted it.

Bang whoever you want, but keep it to yourself. If you're looking for a DHV about how you bang so many girls it's always better people hear it from someone else's mouth and not your own, otherwise you lose all credibility.

Do yourself a favor and get rid of your ex. Don't be surprised if she starts contacting all these woman you are trying to seduce and sabotages everything for you.

-Scars

 

[bigneil]

I hear you scars.

Note: my ex was never my friend until today for about 5 minutes when I finally got her to admit she was seeing someone else since we broke up. We've been broken up 2 months so at some point it's moot.

Finding out she was officially with someone else is what freed me from oneitis, or at least I feel a lot better now.

 

[Scars]

Did it really though? Or are you just trying to rationalize it to yourself?

When me and my BPD ex broke up it sucked, but I've still managed to remain no contact with her. A few weeks later she was trying to get in touch with me again and I continued to ignore. I felt like I had the upper hand. Later on I started hearing about the new guys she was seeing. And even though I acted like I didn't care, it still hit a nerve with me. I never broke and contacted her though. Still haven't. It's been about 4 months now.

It sounds like you broke though. What made you guys start talking again? Was she checking up on you? Were you checking up on her? You were doing good for 2 months and then suddenly spilled everything that you were up to.. and admitted which girls you are trying to replace her with. She's going to be sweet and continue to get more information out of you then use it against you later or hurt you even worse than before. There is no reason to stay in contact with her. The fact that you stated "I finally got her to admit she was seeing someone else" proves that you still care. Why did you have to do that? Now you're trying to say that finding this information out makes you feel "better"? Nah man. Quit lying to yourself and the rest of us and do yourself a HUGE favor and remove this girl from your life completely. You guys broke up for a reason, so remember that. I know it's rough. I've been/still kinda am in the same situation, but retreating back to your old trash won't do anything for you. I know it's like a comfort zone for you because it's all you knew the whole time you were dating but you must break free from this mindset. You're doing good by approaching other woman, but there's no need to get your ex involved. It will just bring you trouble my friend.

-Scars

 

[bigneil]

I waited until she contacted me, but then I guess I did sort of break down.

I only told her their first names and she lives 1000 miles away so I don't have to worry there. She used to make fun of my previous girlfriends just based on their first names so I threw some new ones at her.

Anyhow, advice taken.

 

[Voice]

You guys may be perfectly right about your "bpd ex gfs" but then again why does every girl have borderline personality disorder on this board? Just because a girl likes drama doesn't mean she has some sort of psychiatric disorder. Newsflash, ALL girls like drama and have the ability to take you on an emotional roller coaster. There are real people with this disorder that live a pretty painful life and often attempt suicide. I know some girls are irrational and can be calculating cold-hearted *****es, but it doesn't mean they have a personality disorder.

Anyway I agree with scars. In social psychology it's known that you really cannot use logic to change someones mind on a matter in which they have an emotional attachment. This is why evolutionist won't ever be able to convince creationists that they are wrong. Creationists have an emotional attachment to their ideology and no degree of logic can change their views. If people were strictly logically based then you wouldn't have a problem curing your oneitis. However you are emotionally attached to her and therefore knowing the truth really won't do a whole lot to change your emotions toward her. What it will do however is convince you LOGICALLY to move on. Over time your emotional attachment to her will fade the LESS you come in contact with her. So STOP contacting her and stop visiting her facebook, looking at pictures of her, remembering times with her, etc. START getting your mind on other things like hobbies, career, and of course other females. Your oneitis will soon fade just like it did with girls you had oneitis in the past.

 

[sexysuave]

You need to go no contact, whatsoever! Do whatever you have to do, change your number, delete her from your facebook, whatever it takes, burn the pictures bro, or stash them very very very far away out of sight, but just dont' have anything around and start gaming other girls.

Remember the golden rule, NEVER try to hold on to someone who doesn't want YOU around!! WaYYYYYY too many fuc**ng guys ingnore that rule and try to get their ex to stay and beg them and what not (not that this is what you're doing, but it happens often). This is screaming desperation and it is just awful! If your chick doesn't want you anymore, show her the damn door and do not stay in contact. One of my best friends is going through this (he's married) and it's been tough to get it through his head. His wife wants to move out on her own to see how things will be and she refuses to go to any counseling with him and says that "it's too late" and that "she is over it" while he is steady trying to convince her to stay. He is the nicest guy in the world, good looking, would NEVER EVER even think about cheating on her (I know this for sure lol), and yet she still wants to leave because she fell outta love and on top of all of this, she wants him to Cosign on her new apartment because she can't get it approved based on her salary!!! I told him to tell her to f*ck off!!! Well, he partially listened. He told her "no, I will not cosign for you". She got mad at him and he had to sleep in a different room last night. There is much more to this story,but the basic point is he is not respecting the rule that when someone wants you out of their life, you stay out, and make sure not to let them back in!! Hell if my own mom told me "f**k off, I dont' want you around, I don't love you anymore and dont' wanna see you" I'm sorry, but even my mom would be ignored. You HAVE to love your self more than anyone, and when others disrespect you or dont' want you around, you LET GO!!!

Go no contact bro, change your number, no temptation

 

[JPlaya]

Finding a new girl is the best option

 

[mahoney]

i think it really depends on your personality type - for some it is better to move on, and for others it is better to normalize

imagine girls were alcoholic drinks and you are in a bar drinking them. all is fine, but later that week you are at home and have work later, and there is some liquor in the house. some people look at the drink in the house and really still want it, even though now it is no longer appropriate. and others still like it but don't feel the urge to drink it right then and there.

one of those two people should pour that liquor down the sink. they are an alcoholic, their addictive personality means they cannot be trusted. the other person doesnt need to, they have a normalized relationship with alcohol

its like this with girls, after a break up both types are probably quite down about the whole thing, thats normal! this bit is like say after you've been to a bar and you just got home and even though there is work tomorrow you kind of feel like one more drink even though you probably shouldn't. both types do this. the alcoholic type though, wants more the following day to get through work, the normalized type is fine having the alcohol around and isnt dreaming about drinking it

most people on this board have the addictive personality trait which is why they cant handle not being with a girl in the same way an alcoholic cant handle not having a drink. the girl has to be nexted, the liquor poured down the sink. its something in their personality

if you dont have this personality its better to normalize relations with someone after a breakup not pour them down the sink. if you normalize things the bad feeling will go away quicker for those people, and it wont suck if/when you see them around - as for many there will be mutual friends, shared socializing locations, and its good to open doors not close them. if you dont normalize then down the line if you see them its going to reopen old wounds. seeing someone around in a different configuration can be a really good way to get over someone! but only depending on your personality type

so it really depends on a lot about you and how you interact with stuff, and whether you suffer from addictive personality

 

[typical]

You guys may be perfectly right about your "bpd ex gfs" but then again why does every girl have borderline personality disorder on this board? Just because a girl likes drama doesn't mean she has some sort of psychiatric disorder. Newsflash, ALL girls like drama and have the ability to take you on an emotional roller coaster. There are real people with this disorder that live a pretty painful life and often attempt suicide. I know some girls are irrational and can be calculating cold-hearted *****es, but it doesn't mean they have a personality disorder.

Anyway I agree with scars. In social psychology it's known that you really cannot use logic to change someones mind on a matter in which they have an emotional attachment. This is why evolutionist won't ever be able to convince creationists that they are wrong. Creationists have an emotional attachment to their ideology and no degree of logic can change their views. If people were strictly logically based then you wouldn't have a problem curing your oneitis. However you are emotionally attached to her and therefore knowing the truth really won't do a whole lot to change your emotions toward her. What it will do however is convince you LOGICALLY to move on. Over time your emotional attachment to her will fade the LESS you come in contact with her. So STOP contacting her and stop visiting her facebook, looking at pictures of her, remembering times with her, etc. START getting your mind on other things like hobbies, career, and of course other females. Your oneitis will soon fade just like it did with girls you had oneitis in the past.

WRONG, NOT ALL girls like drama there are some that don't like causing or being part of any headache causing issues, the fact of the matter is BPD (some are mild some are severe) girls are very very very easy to hook up with and get into a relationship with. But as you said some just like causing issues in their life as they have nothing better to do (especially our generation of MTV pop culture girls)

Thats the problem too many men decide to get into a relationship with a girl who has no control over her life and adds nothing of value to the mans life.

Bottom line is to stay away from girls who don't have it together and only date girls who have a few nuts and bolts working upstairs the rest should only be fu(kbuddies.

Also to the OP why the hell are you even trying to be friends with a girl who you think is mental ?? Honestly would you be friends with a lunatic male ?? So why is it okay for you to be friends with a lunatic female ??

Some of the crap we as men put up with women just to get a bit of sex is stupid, you wouldn't put up with that sort of crap with a best male friend so why put up with it when it comes to your gf or ex gf, just next and move on.

 

[AlexDP]

You guys may be perfectly right about your "bpd ex gfs" but then again why does every girl have borderline personality disorder on this board? Just because a girl likes drama doesn't mean she has some sort of psychiatric disorder. Newsflash, ALL girls like drama and have the ability to take you on an emotional roller coaster. There are real people with this disorder that live a pretty painful life and often attempt suicide. I know some girls are irrational and can be calculating cold-hearted *****es, but it doesn't mean they have a personality disorder.

The difference between being BPD and liking drama is immense. I'd say that in 90% of the cases you even have physical indicators of BPD (the famous sad or scared eyes, the dissociation, being sickly). If you've read up on the subject, you won't confuse the two. That being said, it is sometimes used to sort of "justify" the behaviour of *****es. Trust me though when I say you'd rather have an ex who is a calculating cold-hearted ***** than ex who is BPD.

Being friends with a BPD ex is something one shouldn't do IMO. It's all about emotional detachment. And sooner or later your ex will make you care again. I'm a big fan of remaining friends with a normal ex, if you're both capable of doing so, because cutting off someone who was at some point important to you is immature, not necessary and not very suave at all. With a borderline it is unfortunately not possible, because she will always try to find ways to make you suffer.

 

[sinnerman]

oneitis cannot be cured IMO. i went NC with my high school gf. even though she tried to contact me & normalize I disappeared. Thing was I really liked this gal. 5 years later we met again and I realized I still have feelings for her. We went on a few casual dates and all the time I felt like she was the one. I only got over her completely after I met my most recent gf a year back and we became serious.

Im still on good friendly terms with my high school gf and we hang out occassionally but I just dont feel anything anymore as someone else is in her place now.