do relationships still haunt and hurt...

[Gman]

Do relationships that have failed still haunt and hurt unbearably in ten, 15 years? How about 20, 30 years?

On this board we hear all the time about LTR 'break-ups' and how we should get over them etc etc. move on, etc. That this feeling wont last long etc. But how long does it last?

What do the older DJs say? Does time really heal everything? Being 20 years old and not really experienced in the ups and downs of life, it is easy to believe that life has effectively ended forever with the break up of a LTR. Is it true or do people recover?

 

[ARK]

I dated a girl for 4 years at the age of 23. Finally we married and two months into it I find her cheating on me. Finally guy number two came a long and I divorced her 11 months into our marriage. I was hurt, distraught, etc. I ended up building a wall around me to protect myself.

Dated a girl and she always complained about that wall. That ended up not working out after a couple years but now I have to say I am completely over my divorce. I filed when I was 27 and I am now 31. Ironic I saw my xwife last weekend. We were 10 feet away from each other and it didnt bother me.

So yeah, time heals all wounds.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Old relationships tend to haunt people because the believe that time heals all wounds. This doesn't work because time is eternal; think about it.

Take this example; if you broke your arm would you sit around at home and wait for time to heal it? Of course not, you would take action and go to a doctor!

After breaking up a person should basically do three things:

1. Figure out what didn't work.
2. Learn an alternative so not to make the same mistakes.
3. Go out and meet other people.
   [/list=1]
   
   Time does squat, actions on the other hand will make a difference.

 

[ARK]

I agree on your list Francisco, but when your cheated on you arent immediately ready to go meet other people.

You are hurt, feel worthless, etc. I built a wall to keep myself from being hurt again. Only after dating a girl for a couple years which didnt work out. I was able to get over this wall I had built to protect myself. I would say time alone does help, but if you go out and meet people then you would get over your hurt faster.

 

[Coolage]

well put

 

[diablo]

Do relationships that have failed still haunt and hurt unbearably in ten, 15 years? How about 20, 30 years?

Not unless you're a crazy man who won't stop living in the past. If you're still feeling unbearable pain over a breakup after a few months you really need to get involved in more activities and meet new people.

On this board we hear all the time about LTR 'break-ups' and how we should get over them etc etc. move on, etc. That this feeling wont last long etc. But how long does it last?

How many drinks does it take to get drunk? It depends on what you're drinking, what you've had to drink, and what your tolerance for alcohol is. Same thing with breakups - there's a lot of extemporous details that make it impossible to nail down a concrete answer to such a vague question.

what do the older DJs say? Does time really heal everything?

Yes, it does. Unless you lost a leg. However, I'd imagine after some amount of time you'd get used to and accept that as well.

...it is easy to believe that life has effectively ended forever with the break up of a LTR. Is it true or do people recover?

No, people never recover from breaking up with someone. They are stuck forever in a state of limbo, wishing that the past was the present. Some have even formed a cult in which Michael J. Fox is the "Messiah" for having starred as Marty in "Back to the Future". They believe that soon the flux capacitor will allow them to go back in time and fix whatever went awry in their relationships.


Breakups happen, life goes on. You'll get used to it.

 

[Desdinova]

Time doesn't automatically heal all wounds. The person HAS to make an effort to move on instead of dwelling in the rut that he's in. I dated my first girlfriend for 6 months, and it took me 3 years to "get over" her. During those 3 years, I wasn't making any progress to actually move on with my life. I spent those 3 years hurting.

Exactly 3 years after we split, I finally woke up. I thought to myself, "Fvck man, I've wasted 3 years mourning over this breakup. I need to quit wasting time and move on!" That's when I finally got over her, when I put the effort into moving on.

After my ex-fiance left me (the second time), I decided "no more of this 5hit" and worked at moving on with my life without her. I got over her quite quickly.

You never forget them, but when you make an effort to move on, you're no longer affected emotionally by them.

 

[diablo]

It also has a lot to do with the mindset you have in a relationship. For example, I can say in all honesty that if mine were to end (which has been going on for well over a year now) I wouldn't be put off by it in the least. Sure, it would be annoying to have to find a new girl, and yes I do care about the one I'm with now, but I wouldn't let it bother me. There's too many other people out there to get bogged down thinking about one female long after the relationship has ended (for whatever reason).

 

[frivolousz21]

It also has a lot to do with the mindset you have in a relationship. For example, I can say in all honesty that if mine were to end (which has been going on for well over a year now) I wouldn't be put off by it in the least. Sure, it would be annoying to have to find a new girl, and yes I do care about the one I'm with now, but I wouldn't let it bother me. There's too many other people out there to get bogged down thinking about one female long after the relationship has ended (for whatever reason).

Diablo is wise beyond his yrs

 

[WORKEROUTER]

I think the degree to which it hurts depends on the strength of the relationship.

Take my last relationship, for example. I absolutely liked this girl because not only was she good-looking, but I felt that I had a connection with her. Unlike most of the broads I meet, we could talk about stuff that interested both of us.

Plus, we were practically attached to each other with glue for a while. When things started getting rough, I realized that unfortuantely, this won't be a LTR that is going to last. Sure, there were some AFC things I did that probably helped to accelerate the losing IL, but it was also simply because we weren't totally compatible.

It's funny because there were many times I just wanted us seperated. But when we actually broke up a couple days ago, I really started feeling sh*tty about the whole thing. Walking around the streets brings back old memories of the past when we were together and going strong. I mean, it's been a couple days, and I still constantly reminisce about being together w/her.

It's tough. And sure, I go out and meet other women, but it's different because I felt like I actually had a connection with THIS ONE. It's not really the sex that I miss as much as the companionship and bond we shared.

Anyway, long story short, we all feel crappy after breaking up with a girl that we like, and the best solution just seems to roll on with life anyway and try to make the best out of it.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by ARK
I agree on your list Francisco, but when your cheated on you arent immediately ready to go meet other people.

You are hurt, feel worthless, etc. I built a wall to keep myself from being hurt again. Only after dating a girl for a couple years which didnt work out. I was able to get over this wall I had built to protect myself. I would say time alone does help, but if you go out and meet people then you would get over your hurt faster.

The first two steps are the ones you should be doing with your "recuperation" time. You don't just jump back in without taking a breath.

More times than not, people sit around doing nothing for some period of time. After a while they begin feeling even more lonely. Eventually they force themselves to go out and meet other people. Unfortunately, they feel less confident, unsure of themselves, even untrusting. Why? THEY'VE SKIPPED THE FIRST TWO STEPS!

What's even worse, they make the same mistakes and get into the very same type of situation that they were in during their previous relationship. Why? THEY'VE SKIPPED THE FIRST TWO STEPS!

I'm not saying that the those steps are easy, nor that they would take a specific amount of time. I'm just saying that you can choose to sit and wallow in self pity or you can learn and move on. You can either learn to trust that you can survive your next relationship or you can choose to avoid taking another chance to protect yourself.

Understand however, that most times the longer someone chooses the path of avoidance, the more they become desperate or even worse bitter. This is the dichotomy of the the cycle between "nice guy" and "the jerk." which is well described in Pook's post Be a Man!. It does take a lot of self confidence AND self awareness to avoid falling into the cycle though.

When it really comes down to it, everyone has a limited amount of time. Everyone has the ability to choose to either wait and just exist, or take action and live.

 

[WORKEROUTER]

Originally posted by Francisco d'Anconia



When it really comes down to it, everyone has a limited amount of time. Everyone has the ability to choose to either wait and just exist, or take action and live.

You are absolutely right.

I have been kinda stuck in a rut the past couple days over my break-up, and seeing my ex-gf flirting around with other guys doesn't help.

But life is too short just to fall into a trap of self-pity and rot.

However, what if a person DOES feel that he has in a way, been used during the relationship? That a lot of the feelings were insincere. This has definately made me a little more bitter.

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Time does heal the pain of a break-up with not so serious relationships. I've dated plenty of women whom I got over within a few weeks and never even thought about again. However there have been a couple women that I had serious LTR's with that I occassionally think about and say "Gee wonder how so-so is doing?" The pain from the break-up is gone, but the memory stays, you just move on bro. You leave the past as just that, and look forward to the future.

I think the biggest problem guys have coming out of a serious LTR is they do feel like the world is going to end AT THAT POINT! You know, where you feel so fukin' low and pathetic, but you need to get over yourself. Go meet new people, enjoy your life and things always take care of themselves.



PIMP

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by WORKEROUTER
...
However, what if a person DOES feel that he has in a way, been used during the relationship? That a lot of the feelings were insincere. This has definately made me a little more bitter.

I had experienced the same thing a last year after ending a LTR. What worked for me was my understanding that bitterness would make me less of a man because in being bitter I was giving away the control of my personality; even worse, giving it away to someone was no longer in my life!

Then consider other people who are or could be in your life, would they want to incorporate a bitter person into their lives? One might as well stay at home and lock himself away from the rest of the world.

I went through every argument we had and how it made me feel and dealt with them, learned from them and decided what I needed to change. Couple that with moving into a new house and starting a new job at the same time I had no time to even care what my ex was doing or who she was seeing; I focused on myself. I decided to do my own boot camp just to tune up my sarging skills.

Long story short, two weeks after getting my own affairs in order I started my boot camp which lasted all of a weekend. During that time I met three women and had dates with them during the following week. There's a FR somewhere in the forum about one of my pickups.

In a nutshell I replaced the bitterness and wasted time with feelings of high self worth, work, new home, and sarging. Understand that we can either live in the past and have it define us or learn from us and become greater.

 

[DJDanny]

personally i think back and remember every relationship i've been in even the first ones 10+ years ago.

Do they haunt me? hell no i look back at them once in awhile and realize how they've led me to where I am and what i learned from them. how and why they didn't work out and what i am actually looking for. Of course it helps that prior to my last one i was the one who ended every relationship for my own reasons.

But last relationship ended about 2 1/2 weeks ago after 3 months, she ended it basically because she said she wanted to be my gf and i prompty turned the AFC on didn't last 2 weeks after that. Whoops. live and learn buddy.