Quiksilver
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Jul 30, 2006
- Messages
- 2,853
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I've noticed that many brothers on Sosuave have no trouble landing a first date(even 2nd date!), but when it comes to having a good relationship so you can focus on other things in life, a lot of guys have no clue.
One thing I'd like to address is what constitutes Girlfriend Material.
I had a friend a few months ago who was in an 8 month relationship with a pretty cool girl. We were out at a bar one quiet night, shootin the breeze and talking about women(go figure, right?). I asked him "So man, why are you with Caitlyn?".
I asked because she'd been hitting on me for a good two or three weeks whenever our gang got together. It was pretty disturbing because he's one of my real friends. Not one of those kids you talk to and are suddenly cool with; the kind that can turn on you if it suites their purpose, I'm talking a real genuine friend.
Anyways, his answer was something like "I dunno, why shouldn't I have a girlfriend?".
They didn't get along to well, plenty of times our boys would leave the room when they were arguing and *****ing to eachother, so it was clear that things weren't rosy between them.
I got to thinking.... No wonder so many guys have trouble in relationships! I mean, they're practically ASKING for trouble. I have a couple other friends with failed LTRs, simply because going in to the relationship, there was a misunderstanding of motives between boy and girl.
He wanted an armpiece, she wanted a companion.
He wanted sex, she wanted a provider.
It's in the "we'll find a way to make this work out" attitude that things DO NOT WORK OUT.
To find a girl worthy of a long term relationship, a girl has to pass through a simple series of questions that I ask myself. If any red flags go up by me, there will be no "we can make it work" mindset. A good long term relationship has to get off on the right foot. The honest, clear, and communicative foot.
--
Many guys think it's EASY to have a good and healthy LTR. Perhaps easier than even a one night stand or a short term sex-only fiasco. Reality check guys... It's not. A good relationship always starts off with sex and intimacy. I know another guy, Andy is his name, who is in a long term 'relationship' where he is literally waiting for sex. He's been with a girl for two months and never had sex. Most good relationships do NOT 'start slowly'.
Therefore when you have a selection of girls who you could potentially start a good LTR with, and call your Girlfriend, there has to be strong sexual intimacy at the start.
So, got that 'special' girl in mind?
Now you have to ask yourself three simple questions:
Has she made me happy?
Does she make me happy?
Will she make me happy?
Answer, or get her to answer, these questions.
Has she made me happy?
When you've been with her in the past, has there been more than just sexual lust and desire? Have you shared laughs, found common ground, and really been interested in each other? Most guys are under the impression that you need to be an arsehole and be mean to a girl for her to stick around. Well guess what? You'll never find a good fulfilling long term partner by being a narcissistic jerk 24/7. You have to open up and really get deeper than just primal lust.
Does she make you happy?
Lots of guys get clouded emotionally when dealing with girls. Personally, there've been girls who I've hit it off with great and everything looked good, then at some point, usually a month or so in once we'd gotten to know eachother, it starts to turn sour. We start bickering and get tired of seeing eachother. It comes to the point where the very sight of each other is sickening and hearing her talk was torture. This, my friends, is the stage that many guys tragically fall at. As I said above, THEY TRY TO MAKE IT WORK.
With a girl who I'd be willing to call a girlfriend, I have to know from experience that being around her a lot will not lead to disaster. There will be no compromising and tweaking to make my relationships work. You simply have to ask yourself, "okay it started out okay, is it still okay?"
If it is, move on to the next question, if it isn't.... NEXT! Many guys fail to Next a girl because they are desperate to make things work, and can't bear to lose a girl that MIGHT be relationship material. This is where legal cases, cheating, and infidelity develop. From patchwork relationships that have the man or woman BENDING their personality and behavior to fit the other's liking.
"What is the next question???"
Will she make you happy?
This is the tough one. You have to get to know her first before you can answer it, and even sit down and ask her: "Why should you be my girlfriend?" or, "Why should we be together?".
Nobody asks these questions directly anymore. It's almost as if men are afraid these days to really demand and expect a healthy relationship. If I'm willing to settle down with a girl, I want to KNOW that she is committed for the right reasons, not a legally binding piece of paper, a child, or because "we used to be so good together".
So, ask her: "Why should we be together?" however you want. You need to get her to really understand that you are going to be sharing a lot of time together, be exclusive, and really form a bond. It's a reality check.
You should be looking for sincerity and genuineness from her, if she avoid the question or simply refuses to answer, it means you do not have a clear line of communication and the relationship was over before it started.
I stated above:
A good relationship has to be honest, clear, and communicative. If a girl is going to be YOUR girl, she has to be all three. If she isn't honest or clear about her intentions, she gets the boot. If she doesn't tell me how she really feels about me or US, she gets the boot. Again, here many guys try to make it work and RUSH into the relationship on the dishonest, and manipulative foot.
--
So, to recap:
1.
Be honest with yourself. Why do you want a girlfriend? If it isn't for the right reasons, it's not going to work long-term. You might be able to get away with it for awhile, but experience shows that people can't hide forever. If you want sex only, don't look for a LTR material.
2.
Ask her simple questions. Qualify her.
Ask her:
Has she made you happy?
Is she making you happy?
Can/Will she make you happy?
If she isn't making you happy, or you aren't fulfilling her needs, that's when the **** hits the fan and sparks fly.
3.
Don't settle for second best. Keep your standards high and don't compromise. If it isn't going to work, don't get in over your head.
4.
Confront her directly about the two of you being together. Don't just 'let it happen'. Again, that's where lapses in communication occur and people end up cheating on each other. So don't be afraid to really step up and challenge her motives for being with you.
5.
If a red flag goes up, that's it. Game over, please insert coin. Either you dump her or she dumps you, so get out of a relationship that doesn't look or feel right.
6.
One thing I didn't cover: There's NO substitute for experience. Most guys know what I'm talking about here through experience. It's the guys who want to settle down with the first girl that rocks their world, those are the ones I'm concerned about, because you will be inexperienced at qualifying a girl, and separating the good apples from the bad.
So there is a question of honesty, a question of clarity, and a question of communication. Those are the requirements for Girlfriend Material. It's your job to answer those questions.
Stay single and play the field, or be SMART about getting into a relationship!
Cheers guys!
edit: If you have any info to contribute, by all means add to this! I'm far from an expert, but I speak from experience and know that there's plenty more to learn.
One thing I'd like to address is what constitutes Girlfriend Material.
I had a friend a few months ago who was in an 8 month relationship with a pretty cool girl. We were out at a bar one quiet night, shootin the breeze and talking about women(go figure, right?). I asked him "So man, why are you with Caitlyn?".
I asked because she'd been hitting on me for a good two or three weeks whenever our gang got together. It was pretty disturbing because he's one of my real friends. Not one of those kids you talk to and are suddenly cool with; the kind that can turn on you if it suites their purpose, I'm talking a real genuine friend.
Anyways, his answer was something like "I dunno, why shouldn't I have a girlfriend?".
They didn't get along to well, plenty of times our boys would leave the room when they were arguing and *****ing to eachother, so it was clear that things weren't rosy between them.
I got to thinking.... No wonder so many guys have trouble in relationships! I mean, they're practically ASKING for trouble. I have a couple other friends with failed LTRs, simply because going in to the relationship, there was a misunderstanding of motives between boy and girl.
He wanted an armpiece, she wanted a companion.
He wanted sex, she wanted a provider.
It's in the "we'll find a way to make this work out" attitude that things DO NOT WORK OUT.
To find a girl worthy of a long term relationship, a girl has to pass through a simple series of questions that I ask myself. If any red flags go up by me, there will be no "we can make it work" mindset. A good long term relationship has to get off on the right foot. The honest, clear, and communicative foot.
--
Many guys think it's EASY to have a good and healthy LTR. Perhaps easier than even a one night stand or a short term sex-only fiasco. Reality check guys... It's not. A good relationship always starts off with sex and intimacy. I know another guy, Andy is his name, who is in a long term 'relationship' where he is literally waiting for sex. He's been with a girl for two months and never had sex. Most good relationships do NOT 'start slowly'.
Therefore when you have a selection of girls who you could potentially start a good LTR with, and call your Girlfriend, there has to be strong sexual intimacy at the start.
So, got that 'special' girl in mind?
Now you have to ask yourself three simple questions:
Has she made me happy?
Does she make me happy?
Will she make me happy?
Answer, or get her to answer, these questions.
Has she made me happy?
When you've been with her in the past, has there been more than just sexual lust and desire? Have you shared laughs, found common ground, and really been interested in each other? Most guys are under the impression that you need to be an arsehole and be mean to a girl for her to stick around. Well guess what? You'll never find a good fulfilling long term partner by being a narcissistic jerk 24/7. You have to open up and really get deeper than just primal lust.
Does she make you happy?
Lots of guys get clouded emotionally when dealing with girls. Personally, there've been girls who I've hit it off with great and everything looked good, then at some point, usually a month or so in once we'd gotten to know eachother, it starts to turn sour. We start bickering and get tired of seeing eachother. It comes to the point where the very sight of each other is sickening and hearing her talk was torture. This, my friends, is the stage that many guys tragically fall at. As I said above, THEY TRY TO MAKE IT WORK.
With a girl who I'd be willing to call a girlfriend, I have to know from experience that being around her a lot will not lead to disaster. There will be no compromising and tweaking to make my relationships work. You simply have to ask yourself, "okay it started out okay, is it still okay?"
If it is, move on to the next question, if it isn't.... NEXT! Many guys fail to Next a girl because they are desperate to make things work, and can't bear to lose a girl that MIGHT be relationship material. This is where legal cases, cheating, and infidelity develop. From patchwork relationships that have the man or woman BENDING their personality and behavior to fit the other's liking.
"What is the next question???"
Will she make you happy?
This is the tough one. You have to get to know her first before you can answer it, and even sit down and ask her: "Why should you be my girlfriend?" or, "Why should we be together?".
Nobody asks these questions directly anymore. It's almost as if men are afraid these days to really demand and expect a healthy relationship. If I'm willing to settle down with a girl, I want to KNOW that she is committed for the right reasons, not a legally binding piece of paper, a child, or because "we used to be so good together".
So, ask her: "Why should we be together?" however you want. You need to get her to really understand that you are going to be sharing a lot of time together, be exclusive, and really form a bond. It's a reality check.
You should be looking for sincerity and genuineness from her, if she avoid the question or simply refuses to answer, it means you do not have a clear line of communication and the relationship was over before it started.
I stated above:
A good relationship has to be honest, clear, and communicative. If a girl is going to be YOUR girl, she has to be all three. If she isn't honest or clear about her intentions, she gets the boot. If she doesn't tell me how she really feels about me or US, she gets the boot. Again, here many guys try to make it work and RUSH into the relationship on the dishonest, and manipulative foot.
--
So, to recap:
1.
Be honest with yourself. Why do you want a girlfriend? If it isn't for the right reasons, it's not going to work long-term. You might be able to get away with it for awhile, but experience shows that people can't hide forever. If you want sex only, don't look for a LTR material.
2.
Ask her simple questions. Qualify her.
Ask her:
Has she made you happy?
Is she making you happy?
Can/Will she make you happy?
If she isn't making you happy, or you aren't fulfilling her needs, that's when the **** hits the fan and sparks fly.
3.
Don't settle for second best. Keep your standards high and don't compromise. If it isn't going to work, don't get in over your head.
4.
Confront her directly about the two of you being together. Don't just 'let it happen'. Again, that's where lapses in communication occur and people end up cheating on each other. So don't be afraid to really step up and challenge her motives for being with you.
5.
If a red flag goes up, that's it. Game over, please insert coin. Either you dump her or she dumps you, so get out of a relationship that doesn't look or feel right.
6.
One thing I didn't cover: There's NO substitute for experience. Most guys know what I'm talking about here through experience. It's the guys who want to settle down with the first girl that rocks their world, those are the ones I'm concerned about, because you will be inexperienced at qualifying a girl, and separating the good apples from the bad.
So there is a question of honesty, a question of clarity, and a question of communication. Those are the requirements for Girlfriend Material. It's your job to answer those questions.
Stay single and play the field, or be SMART about getting into a relationship!
Cheers guys!
edit: If you have any info to contribute, by all means add to this! I'm far from an expert, but I speak from experience and know that there's plenty more to learn.
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