Divorced Dude (Not losing yourself)

[TheNewStyle123]

What's up gentlemen.

I'm posting this for advice, but also just to get some stuff off my mind right now. Some of you may know my situation, but if not, I'll quickly recap: my wife and I separated in August. Marriage was just a mess and I found out she was seeing someone else (I was only married 3 years). Around this time a friend recommended TRM to me and it has been a life saver (as well as the help from all of you here on sosuave). For the first time in my life I feel happy again and like my old self, except this time I am armed with better knowledge from my mistakes. I know the type of person I want to be with, and what to avoid in my next relationship.

Anyways, who else here has gone through a divorce? I ended up having to get an attorney because my wife was acting irrational (shocker) and was threatening me every week that SHE would be getting one. We have NO kids, house was sold, and NO major assets to split up. This literally could of all been taken care of with a mediator... but you know.. women.

It has now been the better part of 5 months that we have been separated with still no divorce. She was supposed to get her financial documents in to my attorney (I served her) within 45 days. 4 months went by and NOTHING. A month ago my attorney sent hers a letter through certified mail. No reply. Just last week we filed a motion to compel giving her 7 days to get the documents in....still nothing. We are supposed to be having a zoom hearing regarding the motion to compel this Wednesday (if that even occurs).

The funny thing is, she has continued to text me occasionally throughout this time about random bullsh!t (filing our taxes this year, something that came in the mail, etc.) and has never once addressed the fact that she never got her documents in and could be sanctioned by the court. I have of course not mentioned this to her as this is my (and her) attorneys job to discuss.

I am trying to keep sight of my own happiness and sanity. I cannot let this dictate my life no matter how much it continues to drag on without her cooperation. For once, I have the power back in my life. I've hooked up with a few girls over the past few months (another date tonight) and it has been great. There was a point during the low of my marriage where I thought: "Is this really it? Am I just stuck with this non-affectionate, moody, insecure person for the rest of my life?" Needless to say, re-entering the game has felt like a resurrection.

Wondering if you guys have been through a similar situation. Hoping the grass is greener and within the next few months I can say I am 'officially' divorced.

Thanks boys.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

We did it with no attorneys. Everyone I know who has used attorneys got raked over the coals with them billing them for every little thing and racking up 20-30K before all was said and done. They want nothing more than to drag it out and it make it as contentious as they can on both sides so the parties dig their heels in against each other and fight so they can go back and forth forever and make as much money as possible off them. It's a racket.

 

[TheNewStyle123]

We did it with no attorneys. Everyone I know who has used attorneys got raked over the coals with them billing them for every little thing and racking up 20-30K before all was said and done. They want nothing more than to drag it out and it make it as contentious as they can on both sides so the parties dig their heels in against each other and fight so they can go back and forth forever and make as much money as possible off them. It's a racket.

It's ridiculous dude. Like I said, no kids, all assets already split... if she wasn't so volatile in the beginning I totally would have said mediator. I just hope it gets resolved sooner rather than later. Enough time has passed, plus we were only married 3 years..

 

[BackInTheGame78]

It's ridiculous dude. Like I said, no kids, all assets already split... if she wasn't so volatile in the beginning I totally would have said mediator. I just hope it gets resolved sooner rather than later. Enough time has passed, plus we were only married 3 years..

You are lucky no kids...they use them as giant pawns in this whole thing.

 

[TheNewStyle123]

You are lucky no kids...they use them as giant pawns in this whole thing.

For sure man. I would be much more worried about the time/financial commitment with this. But just trying to keep my head high, move forward, and keep spinning plates!

 

[RickTheToad]

What's up gentlemen.

I'm posting this for advice, but also just to get some stuff off my mind right now. Some of you may know my situation, but if not, I'll quickly recap: my wife and I separated in August. Marriage was just a mess and I found out she was seeing someone else (I was only married 3 years). Around this time a friend recommended TRM to me and it has been a life saver (as well as the help from all of you here on sosuave). For the first time in my life I feel happy again and like my old self, except this time I am armed with better knowledge from my mistakes. I know the type of person I want to be with, and what to avoid in my next relationship.

Anyways, who else here has gone through a divorce? I ended up having to get an attorney because my wife was acting irrational (shocker) and was threatening me every week that SHE would be getting one. We have NO kids, house was sold, and NO major assets to split up. This literally could of all been taken care of with a mediator... but you know.. women.

It has now been the better part of 5 months that we have been separated with still no divorce. She was supposed to get her financial documents in to my attorney (I served her) within 45 days. 4 months went by and NOTHING. A month ago my attorney sent hers a letter through certified mail. No reply. Just last week we filed a motion to compel giving her 7 days to get the documents in....still nothing. We are supposed to be having a zoom hearing regarding the motion to compel this Wednesday (if that even occurs).

The funny thing is, she has continued to text me occasionally throughout this time about random bullsh!t (filing our taxes this year, something that came in the mail, etc.) and has never once addressed the fact that she never got her documents in and could be sanctioned by the court. I have of course not mentioned this to her as this is my (and her) attorneys job to discuss.

I am trying to keep sight of my own happiness and sanity. I cannot let this dictate my life no matter how much it continues to drag on without her cooperation. For once, I have the power back in my life. I've hooked up with a few girls over the past few months (another date tonight) and it has been great. There was a point during the low of my marriage where I thought: "Is this really it? Am I just stuck with this non-affectionate, moody, insecure person for the rest of my life?" Needless to say, re-entering the game has felt like a resurrection.

Wondering if you guys have been through a similar situation. Hoping the grass is greener and within the next few months I can say I am 'officially' divorced.

Thanks boys.

Yes, I filed for divorce and then I filed for an annulment. The divorce lasted longer than the marriage. Everything depends on your state, and we cannot give you legal advice. However, are you represented by an attorney? If so, he can file a motion of default judgement if she doesn't respond. Stop talking to her. I have no idea why anyone who's going through a divorce and who's been cheated on is still conversing with their ex if no children are involved. Get good records and docs of everything.

Is the grass greener? No, not really. Once a person goes through a divorce, they look at the whole marriage, LTR and family court system differently. You will be jaded if you had enough scars from the legal system. For me, I would not get married again. It was a nightmare, I wasn't happy and I didn't conform like my ex-wife's friend's husbands appeared to. I am a little rough around the edges, and I've experienced being poor, living with no heat and no water for a bit in NYC. So, I can adapt. However, telling a person where I am, where I am going, reporting to the mothership; as Tom Leykis refers to it is just not for me. You want a loan, wifey has to sign off on it. You want a car, wifey wants to sign off on it. You want a HELOC on YOUR home, wifey needs to agree. F uck that. I never understood how a dudes money and assets becomes our assets, but her assets stays hers. Ever see how dude and females word things differently. Dudes say ours, females say hers. Anyway, you may also now be willing to let a female walk if she gives you an ultimatum of marriage or breaking up. I've let a few walk away, and I never looked back. They've reached out, I just laugh. Current GF says that's evil of me, and I said, oh well. It's funny and pathetic at the same time. All in all, you may become numb; and that's okay. Just don't go back on what you say. Be up front with them, and stick to what you said. Then, they can never say you misled them. If they walk, they walk, but at least you know you didn't "waste their time" or promise something you were never going to deliver in the 1st place. Remember, females have a biological clock, dudes generally do not.

 

[LiveYourDream]

Be up front with them, and stick to what you said. Then, they can never say you misled them. If they walk, they walk, but at least you know you didn't "waste their time" or promise something you were never going to deliver in the 1st place.[/B] Remember, females have a biological clock, dudes generally do not.

Big respect for you, for choosing to live that way.

 

[TheNewStyle123]

Yes, I filed for divorce and then I filed for an annulment. The divorce lasted longer than the marriage. Everything depends on your state, and we cannot give you legal advice. However, are you represented by an attorney? If so, he can file a motion of default judgement if she doesn't respond. Stop talking to her. I have no idea why anyone who's going through a divorce and who's been cheated on is still conversing with their ex if no children are involved. Get good records and docs of everything.

Is the grass greener? No, not really. Once a person goes through a divorce, they look at the whole marriage, LTR and family court system differently. You will be jaded if you had enough scars from the legal system. For me, I would not get married again. It was a nightmare, I wasn't happy and I didn't conform like my ex-wife's friend's husbands appeared to. I am a little rough around the edges, and I've experienced being poor, living with no heat and no water for a bit in NYC. So, I can adapt. However, telling a person where I am, where I am going, reporting to the mothership; as Tom Leykis refers to it is just not for me. You want a loan, wifey has to sign off on it. You want a car, wifey wants to sign off on it. You want a HELOC on YOUR home, wifey needs to agree. F uck that. I never understood how a dudes money and assets becomes our assets, but her assets stays hers. Ever see how dude and females word things differently. Dudes say ours, females say hers. Anyway, you may also now be willing to let a female walk if she gives you an ultimatum of marriage or breaking up. I've let a few walk away, and I never looked back. They've reached out, I just laugh. Current GF says that's evil of me, and I said, oh well. It's funny and pathetic at the same time. All in all, you may become numb; and that's okay. Just don't go back on what you say. Be up front with them, and stick to what you said. Then, they can never say you misled them. If they walk, they walk, but at least you know you didn't "waste their time" or promise something you were never going to deliver in the 1st place. Remember, females have a biological clock, dudes generally do not.

Good advice, thank you Rick! Yeah, I'm already seeing it in myself how I am starting to view women/marriage/relationships differently... but in a self-actualization and positive way. Hey, you need to always protect yourself and your own happiness first right?

 

[Roober]

Good luck.

My best advice? Don't try to rush it, or you will end up sacrificing a lot. Most divorces take 1-2 years, often with a minimum 6 month requirement.

Your situation sounds fairly simple, fortunately. You shouldn't really need an attorney if everything is square. If you're fees start to pile up, I would **** can them and do it yourself. A couple hours of research could save you thousands.

As far as the contact goes, I would keep conversation to the bare minimum. Ask yourself, do I have to respond? If not, then don't. She will get the clue eventually.

 

[RickTheToad]

Big respect for you, for choosing to live that way.

It's the right thing to do. Though, most females in their 20's and 30's are freezing their eggs, so it's not that big of a deal anymore, but still. If a couple just wants FWB's, no problem. Tell em. It should start that way anyway.

Good advice, thank you Rick! Yeah, I'm already seeing it in myself how I am starting to view women/marriage/relationships differently... but in a self-actualization and positive way. Hey, you need to always protect yourself and your own happiness first right?

Welcome to the new order. YOU are #1, everything after that is secondary.

 

[Barrister]

As an attorney myself I can tell you that contrary to popular belief here on SS and in the world at large, we aren't all money-sucking fiends that are only out to benefit ourselves at the expense of our own clients. You attorney sounds like he/she is having a difficult time getting a hold of the other side which is technically not their fault. That forces them to use the court for intervention when you can't make simple agreements and that stretches out the proceedings exponentially. And please don't try to do the divorce yourself.

Now, as far as not letting it ruin your attitude, I have also been where you are. I wouldn't let it affect you. The divorce does not have a major impact on you day to day since you have no children together. Be thankful for that. Most women you are dating casually are not going to care. It can interfere with a potential LTR possibly but this is fresh enough you probably aren't thinking about that anyway.

 

[RickTheToad]

As an attorney myself I can tell you that contrary to popular belief here on SS and in the world at large, we aren't all money-sucking fiends that are only out to benefit ourselves at the expense of our own clients. You attorney sounds like he/she is having a difficult time getting a hold of the other side which is technically not their fault. That forces them to use the court for intervention when you can't make simple agreements and that stretches out the proceedings exponentially. And please don't try to do the divorce yourself.

Now, as far as not letting it ruin your attitude, I have also been where you are. I wouldn't let it affect you. The divorce does not have a major impact on you day to day since you have no children together. Be thankful for that. Most women you are dating casually are not going to care. It can interfere with a potential LTR possibly but this is fresh enough you probably aren't thinking about that anyway.

- This is a satire post by the way...

 

[Ricky]

What's up gentlemen.

I'm posting this for advice, but also just to get some stuff off my mind right now. Some of you may know my situation, but if not, I'll quickly recap: my wife and I separated in August. Marriage was just a mess and I found out she was seeing someone else (I was only married 3 years). Around this time a friend recommended TRM to me and it has been a life saver (as well as the help from all of you here on sosuave). For the first time in my life I feel happy again and like my old self, except this time I am armed with better knowledge from my mistakes. I know the type of person I want to be with, and what to avoid in my next relationship.

Anyways, who else here has gone through a divorce? I ended up having to get an attorney because my wife was acting irrational (shocker) and was threatening me every week that SHE would be getting one. We have NO kids, house was sold, and NO major assets to split up. This literally could of all been taken care of with a mediator... but you know.. women.

It has now been the better part of 5 months that we have been separated with still no divorce. She was supposed to get her financial documents in to my attorney (I served her) within 45 days. 4 months went by and NOTHING. A month ago my attorney sent hers a letter through certified mail. No reply. Just last week we filed a motion to compel giving her 7 days to get the documents in....still nothing. We are supposed to be having a zoom hearing regarding the motion to compel this Wednesday (if that even occurs).

The funny thing is, she has continued to text me occasionally throughout this time about random bullsh!t (filing our taxes this year, something that came in the mail, etc.) and has never once addressed the fact that she never got her documents in and could be sanctioned by the court. I have of course not mentioned this to her as this is my (and her) attorneys job to discuss.

I am trying to keep sight of my own happiness and sanity. I cannot let this dictate my life no matter how much it continues to drag on without her cooperation. For once, I have the power back in my life. I've hooked up with a few girls over the past few months (another date tonight) and it has been great. There was a point during the low of my marriage where I thought: "Is this really it? Am I just stuck with this non-affectionate, moody, insecure person for the rest of my life?" Needless to say, re-entering the game has felt like a resurrection.

Wondering if you guys have been through a similar situation. Hoping the grass is greener and within the next few months I can say I am 'officially' divorced.

Thanks boys.

What is TRM by the way? Struggling with some marital problems but hoping to avoid divorce.

 

[Barrister]

 

[TheNewStyle123]

As an attorney myself I can tell you that contrary to popular belief here on SS and in the world at large, we aren't all money-sucking fiends that are only out to benefit ourselves at the expense of our own clients. You attorney sounds like he/she is having a difficult time getting a hold of the other side which is technically not their fault. That forces them to use the court for intervention when you can't make simple agreements and that stretches out the proceedings exponentially. And please don't try to do the divorce yourself.

Now, as far as not letting it ruin your attitude, I have also been where you are. I wouldn't let it affect you. The divorce does not have a major impact on you day to day since you have no children together. Be thankful for that. Most women you are dating casually are not going to care. It can interfere with a potential LTR possibly but this is fresh enough you probably aren't thinking about that anyway.

Very good advice @Barrister thanks buddy. Yeah, I'm just continuing to live my life, trust the process, and let my lawyer handle these things. My lawyer is a female too. When she lawyered up she got a woman, so I thought fight fire with fire haha.

 

[TheNewStyle123]

OP, I'm like you, was married about three years, no kids, got divorced.

I initiated the divorce. Though it broke my ex's heart, she was compliant with my wishes. We didn't own property either. So I paid a paralegal $600 to file the papers and that was that. Took about 4 months. BUT your wife sounds like she's not complying, so I think using an attorney is a better idea. Let him be the bulldog so that you can focus on self-improvement. This too shall pass, eventually you'll be legally free and you can put the whole thing in your rear view.

And I can say that the grass is definitely greener. I had a pretty good marriage but it was a drag for me, just kind of backed into it when I shouldn't have. I'm much happier as a divorced dude. In fact these days I see it as just another relationship I was in, a short period in my life and nowhere close to defining who I am.

We are very similar man! The part I bolded is EXACTLY how I have been seeing it. It's just a chapter of my life, a part that has come to an end.. time to move forward now. Even though I am still going through the divorce process, every passing day makes the whole 3 years of marriage seem more and more fleeting. Time to work on myself!

 

[TheNewStyle123]

What is TRM by the way? Struggling with some marital problems but hoping to avoid divorce.

The Rationale Male. The book by Rollo Tomassi

 

[Hamurabimbi]

Divorced her in ‘18. Had 1.5 years of insane hedonistic adventures with girls a generation younger than me. Now I’m dating my ex-wife. Life makes no sense.

 

[Fruitbat]

Yes. Divorced same as you, no kids or assets. Sadly my wife essentially lost her mind and I spent 3 years trying to help her live alone, I did not succeed.

Advice would be:

don’t rush into anything new.
Stay away from drugs and alcohol. I didn’t. It near finished my life.
don’t let the past dictate the future, your opinions, don’t get resentful.
If you talk to anyone, choose a professional, not friends.
Be wary. People know you’re vulnerable. The metaphorical limp will bring out predators. Don’t put yourself in any further vulnerability.
Don’t feel the need to prove anything. Stay away from social media other than positive things or the odd snapshot.
make looking after your career and fitness your number one priority.
be kind. Help people around you, be useful to others where you can.

understand life is very short, it will be gone in a flash and the lesson is that although it’s entirely unpredictable, and can feel meaningless, and will end, so does a great record, yet we still dance.

that above sentiment helped me a lot. Dance the dance.

oh and just so you know, remarried now to the woman of my dreams and we have a beautiful daughter. I’m not sure where you are right now but due to what happened and the drunk and drugs, I stood on the bridge on 15th November 2016, after flirting with it a few times.

I just lost my bottle and chickened out. When I see my little girl I’m damn glad I didn’t.

you may not be as much as a neurotic mess as I was, but just know you can come back from this.

 

[TheNewStyle123]

Divorced her in ‘18. Had 1.5 years of insane hedonistic adventures with girls a generation younger than me. Now I’m dating my ex-wife. Life makes no sense.

This is me currently... hahaha